Connie Boltzmann

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Everything posted by Connie Boltzmann

  1. My Gnomish Supremacy Manifesto has been on hold, as have my BRILLIANT PLANS. I've been on a spiritual journey. I've fallen in love, I've had my heart broken, I even got so compassionate one day that I set all my demons free and watched them kill everyone on this little farm and felt really bad about it! After that I decided I wasn't really so into demons, so I bought this book called 101 Spells for Proving Your Superiority with Light and Shadow. I thought it sounded pretty useful for a gnome patriot like me since I'm even more convinced than ever that Gnomes should be in charge and all the
  2. Connie checked her mail every day, though she rarely received any letters. It was part of a Revolutionary's job, however, to be on top of these things. One never knew when the humans would Find You Out and send you a notice that you were about to get audited, and if there were any Experimental Revolutionary Puppies frolicking in your basement, any at all, you'd be carted off to the Stockades and never seen again. One also never knew when a fellow gnome would Join Your Cause and send you an encoded note, whispering of Revolution. Today, Connie was astonished to find the latter, sort of.
  3. I can't believe how wrong I have been! I've been trying to think like a human for so long that I've forgotten two important things: 1.) How really really counterrevolutionary that is 2.) How much incredibly insanely better at everything important gnomes are I have adopted a new revolutionary strategy! Just the other day I was talking to a fellow Gnome in the streets of Stormwind, even though it is very dangerous for Gnomes to talk in the open there, due to the RAGING PREJUDICE of the Big People. Those who scoff that Humans are nice would be astonished by what happened next! A Human ca
  4. hurts. Not because anyone stabbed me in the heart. I'm pretty lucky that she missed it. But no. My Partner in Revolution has turned out to be a BLOODCRAZED TRAITOR!! She ignored Ground Rules for Revolutionary Activity numbers four AND five. We want a BLOODLESS revolution. BLOODLESS. Well, until the Day of the Gnome comes and I call down the Armies of Hell upon their oversized heads. I'm starting to doubt that though. Now that I've looked into the face of BLOODCRAZED MADNESS and survived. That's right. She STABBED me. She told me that my temperant, intelligen
  5. Cookies will never win us the RESPECT we DESERVE. I....I would like a cookie though.
  6. Last night, it began! Up until now I've worked alone, living among the Big People and learning their ways so they'll never suspect when it's time to call down the armies of Hell upon their heads. But yesterday I met a fellow Revolutionary! I won't write her name here, because if this document ever gets intercepted, it must not endanger a fellow gnome. Due to a severe lack of discretion, we very nearly got killed or captured or both. Because of this I think it's pretty important that we establish a few ground rules for Revolutionary Activity. 1.) We've got to pretend to like the Big Pe
  7. Your time will come, Mr. Macblaster. We shall see who is dining on sweetbreads THEN.
  8. I had resolved not to tinker, because I wanted to help eliminate the Big People stereotype that gnomes are good for nothing but tinkering, that we think of nothing but cogs, that our lives are just circuits and wires and robotic chickens. But it's like a drug. At first I would tinker in my apartment at night. But I became terrified that my neighbors would hear the clinkings and clankings and the occasional explosions. I searched the city and found a temporary workshop between two wine barrels. But it's damp and I think there's rats down there. More than anything I long to sneak off t
  9. Of course you can't always rely on your brains to win the RESPECT you DESERVE. I figure the best backup is to have a bunch of Big Friends who can bash in people's faces when they laugh at you. Even better than Big Friends is Big Slaves, cause they can't look at you funny and say things like "Is that such a good idea?" or "Aren't you overreacting a little?" Instead they'll just bash in the people's faces, and then you get the RESPECT you DESERVE, and you can go on with your day. So, I'm going to learn how to summon demons. Of course I can't really parade them around Stormwind, because
  10. <p>I did it. </p>

    <p>Not a man, though, gnomie girls are way cuter.</p>

  11. I have spent the last five years among the Big People, learning their ways, attempting to figure out how to make them give us Gnomes the RESPECT we DESERVE. I learned two main things about the Big People: 1.) They are huge and ugly and racist and boring. 2.) They only respect people who ACT LIKE THEM. I think that over the past five years I've gotten pretty good at acting like them. I just follow a few simple rules I've made up for myself: *I must always use my Human name, Connie Boltzmann. *I must not tinker. *I must not use exclamation points. *I must not bounce. *I must not