A Steamy Romance Novel

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*The first few pages in the book were left alone, leaving it seeming like.. well, a steamy romance novel. Further on in the pages, someone wrote on top of the lewd words with a dark red crayon.*

It's all happening again. I don't know if I want this to stay with me when I reach where I need to go, but it always helps to write things down just to get them out. I will get an actual book for that, maybe a fancy one with a pretty clasp so when I wake up I know it's not just some piece of crap.

I talked to Anorah, she said there are better ways to deal with this sort of thing. I've been meaning to go into the arenas with her for days but I've constantly been putting it off.. I'd better say sorry for that. She said I should stop taunting others. She's right. I'm too immature for the sake of 'fun'. It's not really that fun anyways.

I talked to Red, he said he would miss me and he offered his support. He wasn't hateful at all either.

Leoren sort-of asked but I verbally danced around that arrow and didn't bother discussing it with him.

Kovan wants me to stay longer. It's all happening with him again and I can see the end result. Even if I know how it will go with him, I want to stay. I want that warmth. It was kind of stupid of me to try to make him leave, but I've given him so many options. He hasn't taken any. But I know how it will end. Everyone knows how it will end with him. If I want to stay with him I need to act quickly. I know the other option besides Salvation.

Eladis is the other option, but how do I convince him? I think a knife-at-throat method is best.

Malorii... *The paragraph after is scribbled out.*

That was quick. Knife-at-throat it is.. Maybe I need to find an actual book, for myself. Temptation will be the first lesson.

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He took them because he wanted me to stay. In fact, he tossed me over his shoulder and took me to his home. When I awoke I didn't feel you in my back pocket. He must have read you, book. We will find a better place for you. It was quiet once we finished saying what we thought we had to say. I know what happened, it upsets me still. Even without thinking of that there is a looming shadow. A deep doubt and dread. Doom? Denial? Decay? Dance? Dream? Desire? Dare? Destruction? Distance? Despair? Darkness. Death.

After I convinced Karen daddy's hair is not a rope to climb, we went and I showed her the pretty night orchids in the greenhouse. I wasn't sure if she liked them or not, she seemed to be smiling the entire time anyway. That may not have been the flowers though. It could have been the song. One day maybe she can tell me.. or Kovan. If nothing is done, then Eladis. If I were able I would give her a million night orchids. But since I cannot, daddy's hair will have to do.

Kovan made a wonderful dinner, fried boar and tea to drink. He offered thistle but I didn't take it, I didn't need it. I tried to keep light hearted. Karen fussed and didn't want to be away from me. Eating one handed was difficult so he helped me. I almost expected the fork to meet my gums but he wasn't terribly angry with me. I was careful with my words. I'm sure he noticed my funny outfit, but he didn't say anything. There was a whole closet for me and it was already filled. Where will I put my rags?

I wonder what he's thinking right now. I can't sleep. I pretended I could and was until he was. A walk is in order, then a snack, then a bath. If all else fails, I'll not and say I did. Or I'll just take what I want. It would probably wake him. Is that so bad? Yes it is. It's not smart to wake a sleeping lion and it's no good to be greedy. He looks so peaceful. I will leave him with his peace.

The second lesson will be greed.

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A blue trump card. I still don't like him. At least it wasn't some big secret why he wants to keep him around. I want to ask but I know. I don't need to ask. I don't want the lie. I know. He knows too. They know. Why does there always have to be something tucked away to not speak of? Why is it always like it's for my own good when I know damn right why? Red was brought up but he didn't really like it. I won't press it. He can work it out for himself if he wants to. Red didn't sound very interested anyways.

I have no right to dislike anyone for those reasons, he's right, I'm an awful tease. It was all my fault. I guess I did want it a little, only because I was curious. I wasn't too curious during or after though. One day that teasing will change. That's why he needs a trump card. Maybe I know what I need to do and maybe this is something I actually will tuck away.. for his own protection.

Am I not the only paranoid untrusting one?

I hate to think of it. I hate to think of anything. When I think it chains but it only goes bad. There is always sifting through darkness before getting to the light. I think. I think that's how the plan is. Yes it is.

After we were done I slept, then I woke up and wandered around some more. Everything here is big but not as big as House Thornel was. Even the linen closet is big.

The third lesson will be the plan.

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I lied this morning. I'm not going back. Not only do I have to sort this little mess out, I don't think I should. He shouldn't have asked me about that note. I don't want any sway. My cross would tell me to let him figure it out on his own too. I'm going to let him do that. He doesn't need my approval. It's his life, not mine. Did I ask him for approval when I did what I needed and joined the cross? No.

There was blood on my shirt. I hid it from him. It wasn't mine, that's for sure. Another thing I need to sort out. I said I didn't know damnit. Why did he do that. He got what he deserved. I left him there.

The sweat was real. The rest was harder to cover up.

The fourth lesson will be respect.

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There is an empty room just for me. He said he would bring a cot. I didn't ask him, I don't even want to. No one else is here, just him. He said he wouldn't say anything, probably out of fear. Who knows, maybe it's something else, but I did make threats.

I am safe here until the doctor is ready to see me.

The last lesson I want to remember is honesty.

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Tomorrow night, present yourself at the Apothecarium. Do not resist. Do not attempt to defend yourself.

No soulstones.

No healthstones.

No magic.

No thistle.

No powder.

No magic.

He's so wonderful. He smells nice even, for a forsaken. He's going to do something to bits, then open me up, and take the bad bits out. Something about excruciating paraeldrich shock state. I don't know what that means. He asked about my children. I told him everything I could, including I'm not living with them and they're pretty much not mine anymore.

But I did request to keep that kidney organ, because sometimes I've heard of children needing those from parents.

He told me I didn't need to worry about it and he was bothered by all my kneeling. I wanted to kiss his hands too but he said no. He's better than royalty. Better than the prince. Better than the dark lady, even.

Leibowitz will make me well.

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Damnit if there was anything else. Anyone else. I will not back down. I regret letting the offer slip away before. I will not back down. This is for me. This isn't for anyone else. This is for me. I will have my salvation. Maybe it's worth ruining it, I'll never know. I don't want to know.

Shadowspeak brought up some good points but it's still worth a shot.

My last night as Bir Romine was a good one. I even picked up a few things along the way. I went to the secret spot and looked for Khu's collar, it wasn't there. Maybe he'll remind me to go looking for it again. Poor Khu really did like that thing. Shadowspeak wasted his breath on me. I think he knew he did. He told me all about himself but I don't think it matters. I was doing my best to keep the pain to myself. No magic.

I won't remember his story. Maybe that was the point. It's part of the plan, I think. I knew about the plan before I spoke to him but he really made it very clear to me. There aren't many I can speak to about it, they don't know or care. I should have asked him a few things about that ability, but it is too late for that. We didn't make it to the warlock bar but I still had fun. A worthy last night, I think. Three gnome pinkies and a good joke.

"What do you call it when a tauren hunter tames a cow. Marriage!"

I should have written back. It won't matter, but I should have said goodby--*The rest of the paragraph has been scribbled out.*

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  • 2 weeks later...

One - Water, pure water. Leibowitz' orders.

Two - A few words. They drove me nuts. I don't know what to do. Nothing.

Three - A lack of words. This is good.

Four - Another sec*The rest has been hastily scribbled out.*


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Possible places to find the water:


Swamp of Sorrows

Elwynn Forest

Stormwind City- In the cathedral

Stranglethorn Vale- In the troll fountain



No thistle.

Of all the times I thought I had truly gone mad. The circles around my eyes are getting darker. The rash is up to my middle. My upper arms are red. There's a boil the size of a silver coin on the tip of my damned cock. There's nothing. No easing this. Nothing but that water. My lips are dry and peeling. Maybe I should drink it when I find it. That damned fatty seems to have been accepted and approved before me. I've been trying so hard. She has to learn to understand. She cannot speak to the doctor that way. They are not cultists. The pain doesn't stop. I can't eat. Rest comes when I can't take it.

My joints refuse to move at times. They cramp. I drop my maces often. I lost twice.

My fingers twitch and quiver. The skin is turning blue but I am not cold.

There is no easing. Nothing. No lust.

I see rings.

I want to see that hunter again. Something about him. Maybe it was the way he called that woman wench. Maybe it was his anger when Athius bumped into us. His lack of patience. His verbal dominance. I showed him. He didn't seem to mind. It was too close. It was too similar. Too soon. Too quick. I don't want to play that game, ever.

I don't want to see him again.

Librine, Libby.. What a mess she's in. She doesn't seem to mind. I have to fix my own mess before I can help her. I am a good friend. I only do good. She needs some good. Master? I will figure it all out. Candles, lots of candles. Runes too. All kinds of things. There is someone I need to punch for her. I don't remember his name but I remember his face. I will keep it to myself. Not a soul will know.

Nilean. I need to speak to him. He would know exactly what to do.

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He will get it from anyone.

Anything Black.

Dark, night, young.

Young, old, new.

New, two, one.

Two, one, three.

Two split is one.

I enjoyed Black.

She will get it from anyone.

Anything White.

Pure, wrong, right.

Right, touch, shame.

Shame, secret, humiliation.

Humiliation, lust.

No lust for her.

I am unsure with White

She will get it from him.

Anything Blue.

Sea, ocean, water.

Water, rock, cliff.

Cliff, death, perseverance.

Perserverance, work, life.

Life is only worth love.

Blue is fun to watch. Both of them.

He won't want it.

Anything Red.

Blood, pulse, beat.

Beat, note, measure.

Measure, song, voice.

Voice, words, trust.

Trust, lies, deceit.

Red *A scribble of crayon wax makes the rest of the sentence unreadable*

White does not compare with Black. Blue will have who she needs but I won't step in, it's more amusing to watch. There is mutual disinterest between us. White will have who she wants despite the demon. Red is too afraid of too much black. Or Black? I doubt it.

Red with Blue could be purple.

White with Red could be pink.

Black and Black is still black.

It has always been black with Kovan.

Black and Red is just a darker Red.

Or if there is too much black. Black and Black, Red would be consumed completely and turn into a dark reddish black sludge. That could be amusing, but it's no use since Red has little interest in Black, only in what he can do to keep Black around longer. Black isn't black enough on his own so he wants more Black? Black is missed? What is it then? Why won't he tell me? What the hell do I matter to either of them?

Red is better off with White or Blue anyway.

Black is tempting but not enough.

(( I added in one name to hopefully make all that shit make sense ;P ))

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That certainly was eye opening. The worst one of two, for him. I didn't mind so much. I laughed at him. He deserves to be burnt if he wants to go that close to the flame. Sometimes I wonder where I would have ended up if I were like that. I was that way once but it quickly faded. Or was taken, or something. No luck on water yet, I bet he'll just drink it himself when I bring it to him. Doctors are usually thirsty, living or unliving. That was cut short, I should remember to continue it. I wonder who or what he's cutting up right now. Soon it will be me.

I fought the bitch but didn't get my message across. So I acted the fool she wanted me to be. If Leoren hadn't stepped in, it could have been so much sweeter. That happened after the bowvine and after Red left. Then Vaande won again. I'll get him sometime, it'll be fun. A few uncomfortable jokes. I missed a meeting. Or something. Something about us all being brothers. Brothers love their brothers, but mine usually pulled pranks. I honored him by doing that myself. I hope nobody is too upset. I mentioned it, then Xenaken threw me in the water and then gave me food. Because food dries leathers and warms bones.

Being single is no fun. Nothing to do in bed even if I wasn't, but damnit I tried. I'll just wait until it goes away. That usually works with everything else. If it didn't hurt so bad and look even worse..

Nothing is good.

Getting nothing is good.

Expecting something and getting nothing is good.

Nothingness, the essence of void.

There is a large debt I owe.

Controlling the collector's hand when the price is my being, or soul, is strange.

He wants us to be willing, that's what Malorii said.

I am willing, but unsure. Not of him, but what will happen to me.

What will I do when there is nothing of me?

Where do I go?

It must be very simple.

I need to ask him, but he will say it doesn't matter.

I am going to be made well, that is what he will say. That is all that matters.

Having other concerns is why that fat woman was accepted before me.

Embrace it, leave the others behind. Move. Run.

That is how things work. The way it starts, nothing is good. As in, everything is bad.

Getting nothing is good. The middle, getting nothing when there should be something is good. No matter how else it effects you.

Expecting something and getting nothing is good. The end, after time, is very good. Worth it.

Have I ever been to the end otherwise? When everything is good? I've strove for it but never made it. Not once. It is the hole that will be missing when he goes to remove it, maybe he'll ask me where I hid it. I wouldn't know what to do if he told me to find something that didn't exist. Surely Doctor Leibowitz is smarter than that. How else would he get any of them? But it couldn't be completely gone. It's just impure.

I understand why he wants that water now.

I am going to weep of joy next time I see him. I understand it so well. The plan, the choir, the smell of ashes.

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A dark field with lots of fireflies.

I went back just like he knew I would and I asked him to do what he knew I'd ask. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I almost wanted it to hurt more. Maybe I should be thankful it was painless, I look pretty awesome now. I'm scared they'll just rub off and not be there once I sleep. But he said that's what the needles were for, so I guess not.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I ask her.

He laughed pretty hard when I told him. I knew he would. It wasn't insulting either, I laughed too. Then after all that I went on my way alone. I got some herbs for some lady orc then killed some night elves. It was fun. Ok, it wasn't fun. But I'll tell myself it was fun. Walking around like this isn't fun at all but if I don't make it fun no one else will. If I remove it I wonder what will happen. Nothing I bet, but it would be pretty cool if it was like a fuse or something.

Speaking of fuses, I found my wind up robot today in the Underbog. He was all wet and he didn't work right. I tried to wind his key but he just made a funny gurgle and one arm kind of moved. I'm going to fix him right now before I sleep.

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I guess I can't invest everything in one place. I knew that already. The rebound is always the worst.

Things I always hear that apply to this:

Better now than later.

Move on and be happy.

Blah blah not worth it.

Blah blah blah self esteem.

Whatever, more ogres.

She didn't know I had two others on the side anyway. I offered devotion, ah well. Her loss. I have my secrets.

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The strangest thing today.. I woke up tied to a table with some funny circle runes carved on my belly. They really should have let me know they were going to do that last night. I don't even remember where I originally fell asleep anyways, so I guess it doesn't matter. As long as she's here.

This is the best idea yet. This one won't fail. No point in not writing this down, just in case it doesn't but I think it will. Before I go to Leibowitz I'll give this to him so he can know. Yeah I bet by the time he reads this he'll be crying or something stupid. You hear me? Listen really hard if you don't. You should be able to hear me. Don't cry. It's going to be fine.

Every day, two hours a day, they drain all the lesser shards they can from me. They? Who are they anyway? All masked and quiet, doesn't matter, she said she would be part of it and she said I would be safe.

They keep doing it every day until they can't draw any more. Then they make something big and fancy. I don't remember exactly what she called it but that's why she's in charge in stead of me. I don't know a damn thing about rituals like this. She said, "To put it simply, we're going to take your soul until you fix your body. Leibowitz will do it but we may need to leave a sliver for him. You're depressed anyways he won't even notice you're gone."

Now I know it's stupid to trust her, but damnit it's the best thing anyone has offered to do for me. I had others healing what couldn't be healed and just giving up. Not her, she used a healthstone, found it was useless, then right on the spot thought of this good plan. Sure, you told me she could do terrible things if I trusted her this much, but who else can I trust? Who else is even interested in helping?

I am willing, but I want to preserve myself. Like Red said, it's awful to see something that had so much life slowly deteriorate. I'm going to fix it all, thanks to her, even if she doesn't love me I'll always love her.

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Dusted out the imperfections.

Tied my hair.

No water yet.

Felwood or Shadowmoon?

Waterfall in Duskwood.


Contact, write letters.

Find other notebook.



Khuu's Collar.

Shards into a stone.

Take the stone.

Hide it.

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A date, sometime. I don't know when. Maybe. I'm not shy, but I'll pretend to be. For some reason that makes people interested, or something. I think it's a pain in the ass but I've been told I'm "too" outgoing.

I told him I wanted to roll around in whatever food he liked so he could lick it off, and he still sounded interested so.. Everyone heard it too, everyone. I'm excited to talk to him again but I think I'll try to make myself more serious. I don't want him to get the wrong idea, but hey, at least this one won't be a secret. I have too many bed-warming-secrets anyway.

Another sort-of fight with that troll woman today. I explained it fully, everything, from top to bottom. She seemed a little shocked, or something. I don't know. I think she's just intent on making everyone think I'm an idiot.. while still looking good herself.

Maybe I'm letting this all get the best of me.

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I don't know why I tell myself those things. I have no interest in him. I will not pursue. I will not invest. I will not have hope. It's strange to motivate myself to be this way but it's how I should have always been. Smart.

It's easier after I meet with her for the rituals. Her hair matches her lips which match what trickles from me. Her skin matches the most pure golden morning. She looks like a saint. Trusting her is as good as trusting a rabid fel starved demon. I need to get them back without being noticed. I can't be on her bad side.

I wonder how thin I can carve this crayon. I'm sick of using the stars.

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A fun new project, or self wager. I haven't lost it, this'll be easy. Eight days. I'll give myself eight days, maybe a little longer.. because I'm sick. This disease IS an obstacle, no matter what they say to me. Is it so bad that I want to keep it to myself rather than put it on display all over? I don't want their pity, they don't mean one shred of it.

Project, right. Usually I'm at the butt end of these deals. I know I was with him. It's my turn though. If he wants to run around using people and tossing them aside, well.. I've been told I like that sort of thing. Besides, making men confused never stops being fun. I don't understand what the hell is so confusing, but I guess I'm not that pathetic. I know love. I know what it does and who to get it from. I know what those looks mean, even if it doesn't pass that.

He was hurting last night too, but he wouldn't tell me why. This might be a hard nut to crack due to the past I didn't know we had. He didn't see me, at all, ever. I made sure of it. What, does he have some kind of super engineer mecha eye? Some kind of super dragon skill where he can see me anywhere I go? Well, I'm going to take something from him. Something someone should have taken from him a long time ago. Something I should have taken from every man and woman who wronged me.

I don't know why I write it like that. It isn't like I'm running out of soul shards.

Maybe Janith can help me locate him. Or maybe she can help me do more.. Goblins wearing elf skins are no good. Two goblin hunters. One on one end the second on the other. If time permits, I'll have them both in my pocket. That will take a lot of draining, but it isn't like I haven't kept someone before.

In truth, both of those men are Pig-like. While I'm on this pig train of thought, I need to get a few things from Eladis'. My neck feels bare.

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I'm wearing it, I'll never take it off.

I'll never write, or talk.

I'll never hold onto those feelings.

It is a reminder of the lies I had and lost.

There are so many lined up for me, I don't want any.

I only ever wanted one, or two.

There are five.

Three men.

Two women.

I have no actual interest in any of them.

I had no idea one of them knew I existed at all.

I have one of them by his throat.

Another by her word.

..And another by his word.

The water is settling, I can see the layers in it. I need to stop this. I need to find Leibowitz, or Malorii. Either of them. They're missing. I sent them my diseased flesh, no word back.

I begged like a bitch in heat. I need to apologize. I still have him by his nuts though, whether or not he wants to admit it. There was a taste of flame but I'd rather just keep the spark. He can toss insults all he wants, everyone listens to me. Everyone believes me. Everyone loves me. He can dance around the bush to try and please me, but I will never blackmail him directly. I would never do that to him. I would never use him either. He did this to himself. It's his regret, not mine. His problem, not mine. I'll get what I need from someone who's worth less. That's not the same though. I'd rather lay here and think of yesterday.

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