Sifar

An Old Friend

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I thought I would nay be able to start writing again.

There is still a heap of sorrow and anger filling me, but I missed the chance to pour out my thoughts for myself. My old journal is nearly in tatters, partly from months of use and partly from the angry writings on its final pages. I didn't mean to pick up this new book, but it called to me. Just wandering the Exodar's shopkeepers this dazzlingly blue cover caught my eye. The silver tracery along the edge gives it a magical look and the pages are pristine white. I'm glad I found it, like a new, old friend.

Now, I sit here trying to pull my scattered thoughts together but my pen refuses to write. Sifar, what have ye gotten yourself into?

*a few wet drops are evident in the ink*

I still cannot believe what has transpired...refuse to believe that I was so thoroughly duped. Yet, I also refuse to believe that my feelings were un-true. I may have loved something that was false, but I loved. Will I ever see him again? Will I be able to without bashing his skull in? Will Light ever forgive me?

Someone asked me for help this evening. I simply de-activated my stone. I don't want to face anyone yet.

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Just received a response from Ninorra. I think she's angrier about this than I am.

I still just don' want it to be true.

But it is.

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big mistake.

big big mistake.

I thought I'd try the time-honored method of drowning one's sorrow. Now, I feel worse than before. Not only does my heart still ache but my stomach is rebelling and my head is pounding.

I just want to make it stop.

I want to be angry with him. I should be furious with him. I should be hunting him down right now. But, I'm more angry with myself.

I have to make it stop.

(( And, to all the ladies of TNG - much love for letting Sifar pull you into her world.

I sense more mayhem and destruction to come.))

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((sifar you're better then a lifetime movie marathon and a lifetime supply of hagen daus and ben n' jerrys xD Although my charecter Ic would like nothing more then to carve your gut open and sniff the entrails of your softtie stretchy bits. OOC i adore you and you're writing skills I was listening to the radio today and this song reminded me of you i'm such a newb D:

))

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((... I was listening to the radio today and this song reminded me of you i'm such a newb D:
))

(( Wow! That is a great song/video summary. So, I'm the wolf, right? ))

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Received a note and gift from him today. Does nay come close to making up for anything. I honestly do nay know what the lad be thinking. The belt was well made and would have suited me well, but it should also fetch a good price at auction.

Ama's been a dear lass and made me feel right at home. Well, as well as a dwarf can among the trees.

-* A scrap of crumpled paper is shoved between the pages *-

Here honey. As an I'm sorry gift.

Dark "Omet" Ale

p.s. There are all kinds of fun tricks I could show you with this belt.

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GRRRrrr...

I just re-read that note from Dark. I cannae believe he wrote that. I cannae believe that he'd ever expect the chance to even touch me again.

I'm begining to believe that he honestly has no idea. Between Light accepting his escapades and plenty o' lasses willing to fall for his pretty words and wild ways...he's been getting away with it for decades.

Sometimes, I think we all see what we want to see. Perhaps lacking something in ourselves, we see it in another. We love what we believe we are not. I loved his freedom of thought and passion for life. He was always so willing to try something new or push himself further. Is this what I miss...what I want in myself?

I don't need him around to find it.

Someone suggested I challenge him to an outright duel. I don' think I could do that. Honestly, don' think I could face him yet. Too likely, I'd be the one on my knees at the end and I don' care for him to see me cry over this.

Another suggested a different option: hiring others to take care of the beating in my place. Now this has potential. I would not have to face him, but he'd know it came from me. He said they could assure the message was clear.

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I've set the wheels (or daggers) in motion. A few details still to be worked out, but I trust Dark will feel some degree o' pain before this is over.

Perhaps Light has some coin to chip in for an extra beating or two... I should check with her before I finalize this contract.

Other than to visit the mailbox and buy fresh food, I haven't left the house in days. It's comfortable here. So easy to just hide away and know the world keeps spinning without me. Will it be different when I emerge? I doubt it.

I'll need to meet with Sowell though. Until I feel a clear need for action, I stay.

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I admit it. I felt uneasy about calling the Cartel into my feud with Dark. I wish I could do it by my own hand, but know that I am not up to the task. Regardless, I feel less so, now. Word travels fast through our communities and I've found welcome comfort in unexpected places.

Ninorra may also be hatching some sort of plan. She has a fine mind and many resources at her command. (Perhaps I should remind her that I don' want him dead...)

I think I'll leave the house today. Laron has seemed pre-occupied, I should ask him why. I've roamed the local hills until I know every meter and I'm growing restless. Not that I'm needed else where. I just don' like the lethargy settling into my bones. Better for focus outward, it seems, than to continue to wallow.

Right after I write the letter, I'll ride out.

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I feel sick again. I don't enjoy this disconnect between my mind and my heart. I never have and it seems more extreme than ever before. I feel like I'm getting back to my old self...then something happens to knock me back on my ass. Even know, I can envision what was happening separate from the feelings. Distance myself from the pain of the moment and almost analyze it. But, in that moment...all I felt was the pain.

I went out to Hellfire after finally leaving Shattrath again. Of all the places, I should have known it was a poor choice. I thought I'd make the rounds, see a few friends, pick up a few herbs...maybe the makings for a few ravager dogs, but that place stirs up too much emotion. It reminds me of pains long past and then compounded them with present ones.

I thought a bombing run would be fun, something to distract me and literally lift me up. But, when I was there, the rock did one of its funny tilts in the air, feeling as if it were going to flip right over. I remembered to catch hold of something but my heart asked "what if you just let go?" It scared me so much I jumped on a bird back to the mainland. I wanted solid ground under my feet again.

It wasn't long after than my search took me near the edge of the abyss. There is a spot where someone's home and yard were obviously sundered. The home's front door is on "solid" ground, a fence is staked through nothingness out to a patch of ground, and an out building floats within sight. I don't know how long I sat there on Gertie's back just imagining the home that used to be. I wondered what happened to its occupants when the sundering happened. Slipping down from her broad back, I wandered around the house noting how the building blocks were pulled apart. I almost walked out to the other patch of land. I didn't see any problem in making it there...in my head.

I wonder, still, what happens if you step off the edge of the world. How long would a person fall for eternity? Do you hit something eventually? Would it end the pain?

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I spoke with Verloran briefly yesterday. I was in the marshes, exploring again and trying to distract myself with simple things. It was rather nice to hear another voice while I roamed. He politely inquired, but I managed to not spill my guts out to him. Strange how it's nice to have someone not intimately tied to your inner problems. I need more friends. I don't think he caught any change in my voice.

Next time, I should remember to ask how he is.

Another odd experience while I was there...the elf in charge turned meinto a crow. I didn't quite understand what she meant when she asked me to explore some of the drying up lakes. I assumed I'd be trotting around as I usually do. I should have thought twice before activating that trinket although it looked more like a fish than a bird, to me.

It's stuff like that which causes me to not trust magic users. They grow so comfortable with their abilities to change shape, conjure food out of air, or ignite a persons soul that they expect the rest of the world to be comfortable with it as well. I'm glad I've never had a warlock ask to encase my soul, perish the thought! However, I tried conjured bread once. Not too bad, but did little to really take care of my hunger.

It felt smart to stay away from the abyss

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Nothing new today.

That's not true, but it feels that way.

I miss having something to look forward to.

I miss him... at least my dreams of him.

I found out there's another abyss (or more of the same) on the far west of Zangarmarsh...

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I spoke with an old friend today. Apparently he had heard of my recent "troubles" and wanted to see what he could do. I thought *thought* he was being nice. It's been so long since we talked and he was always a good mate when I was younger. But, it turned out he had other motives. It was as if my wounds were fresh blood calling to a predator.

How could he nay understand that finding comfort in another lad's arms was the furthest thing from me mind?

He didn' leave until I finally challenged him to a duel.

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Still, words are not coming to me. I sit here, staring at the blank page as thought after thought drifts through my head. Yet, nothing forms into the words needed to express them.

So, random thoughts:

  • The effect of Morning Glory is only for those who pick it.
  • Strange spore creatures want the mushrooms I find throughout the marsh.
  • Creatures of the Dead Mire collect or grow all kinds of useful plants amongst their tangled vines.
  • Laron wants a flying mount of his own now.
  • Light forgives me.
  • I like warp burgers.
  • Faction lines are blurred when enemies are greater.
  • I've never thought a human lad to be "cute".
  • If I could train my nimble hands a bit better, I could use both a dagger and a mace...each when needed.

bleh, musings of a clouded mind.

At the rate I'm going, watch this space for more of the same tomorrow.

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I've written notes to Verloran and Laron. I'm not certain what their response will be, although much rests on their perspective.

I find it funny - strike that - interesting that two people I met on completely separate occasions were once intimately involved. If Ama is indeed "destined" to carry on the family line, I wonder if he would ever be the one. Or, perhaps, another shapeshifter would make sense. Although, with her family's history... he better not be a Tauren.

See, not one word about...

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I had a lovely evening last night. I'd just about given up on any chance of forming a team to tackle the Ramparts when a great Draenei pair welcomed me and a warlock to join them. It's been a while since I've had battles go so smoothly. The paladin did a fantastic job keeping the orcs attention while the warlock and I quickly drained away their health. A strange Elven warrior dusted the rust off his swords and carried himself well. Through it all, the priest maintained her cool and we had minimal hurts over the long-haul. Hopefully, my next venture into the Furnace will go as well.

I've grown too used to fighting alone or only beside a select few. Last night was good for me to remember there's a whole world out there and I cannae neglect to be a part of it.

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The Cartel Enforcers deliver on their word. Apparently Dark had a rather disagreeable afternoon o' huntin' an' roamin'... an' havin' Enforcers drop down on his head. I understand he was laying low for a while, perhaps avoiding just such a thing, but I knew that he couldn' stay cooped up forever. He has too much wanderlust for that.

I'm nay sure that this closes the book on it for me. ... Actually, I'm sure it doesn'. However, it does lighten the load and make things seem a little brighter. Getting out on my own has done me as much good as the Cartel's news.

Me only concern that lingers is bumping into him again. Ours is a small world sometimes and I'm sure it will happen. Biggest question becomes when, where, and how will we react. Sometimes little scenarios play through my head and I imagine the situation we find ourselves in and what I do or say. Sometimes I manage to take the higher road and keep my trap shut. Other time I imagine screaming at him and telling him all the awful things that come to mind. I wonder what I would say if I found him talking with another lass. Those times I think my anger would get the better of me.

I took some of that anger out on Laron the other day. I didn' mean to. We were sparring and I took things too far. He's been a good sport about it all. I sense he's been through similar situations or frustrations before. But, I should never do that to him again. Perhaps I'll need to pick on Verloran next time :)

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So, I tried something earlier this evening. I believe my attempt both succeeded and backfired.

I'm not quite sure what I was thinking (again, that may have been me problem). With all that has transpired since I first met Dark as Omet, I've realized that there be a personal o' emotional side to me that I, perhaps, ignore too much. I see lads like Laron o' Dark and lasses like Aimira who revel in this aspect. I guess I wanted to see what it might be like.

So...

I made my way to the tavern after a short day's work. I know it nay be the best place to meet a lad, at least a lad ye'd want to keep. However, that was not me goal. Me goal was to see if I could arouse a spark of interest in a lad. I've never been one to flirt or "play the lass"...I've even been called oblivious to the attentions lads directed at me. (How many times have I heard "he likes ye" from a friend only to wonder what lad they must be talking about.) I think I figured that if I just didn' pay attention then they wouldn' direct their attentions at me.

Tonight, I went in with open eyes. I nay only did me best to pay attention but to get their attention as well. Felt foolish really. I sat there, swapping tales, paying compliments, gingerly touching their shoulder or leg, dancing with a few...all to see how lads react. I even made the mistake o' buying drinks for a few of them. It was easier than I thought it'd be. Like puppies, they were. To say that I aroused the interest of more than one, would be an understatement.

A few tried to get closer than I was comfortable, but quickly backed up when I made clear it wasn' welcome. No one gets to kiss me upon our first meeting. My point proven, I left them with a round o' ale and their own tales to tell.

But, here is my issue: I miss it. I miss the soft touches and easy comfort found in another's arms. As my friend said long ago, a passion started is hard to put out. Dark lit a passion I didn' know I could feel. Now, with him out of my life, I don' know how to put it out again.

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Verloran mentioned a few days back how he'd had four or five great loves in his life. Well, maybe he didn' say "great loves" but that was the sense I got. I realize he's had a few more years to live those loves (I wonder how old he is), but here's what I take away from it: there can be more than one in a lifetime.

I've had my first and, as disasterous as the ending was, I cannae say it was all bad. I be different - better for the experience. I can hope to nay be so blinded next time and to face it with heart and mind - nay just heart. Alright, there was a fair amount of physical desire involved as well *an extra large period as her pen paused* That I cannae deny. I would nay want to deny something that lovely.

I do wonder when I'll get the chance for such an intense meeting again. Perhaps nay that intense...being swept off me feet as I was left me nay using me best judgement. However, to love again...to love with mind and body again... Aye, that's something to strive for.

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I've had the most wonderful day today.

I cannae quite put me finger on what exactly made it so wonderful, but I still grin and replay many of the events in my mind as I sit here. Perhaps I liked it because it was so unexpected.

I just popped me head into the inn to do a little cooking and sort through the disaster that me packs have become. I heard the whisper o' Verloran's voice, turned around, and caught him staring back at me...dressed as a pirate! The picture just cannot be described. Apparently a certain fish food (never did like fish meself) carries piratical elements. Regardless, he shared a bit and we continued chatting. Bumped into a friend o' Verloran's, Roijin?, who joined our fun with a bit o' Noggenfogger. Quite the sight we must have made in the back o' that kitchen.

Soon, Laron arrived and we attempted to gather a decent team to enter Ramparts. I'd only been once meself and Laron never. As always, finding a decent primary fighter and healer was a challenge. We gain one and lose one until finally an old friend of Ver's agreed to take lead and an old friend o' mine, Sunny, agreed to keep us all alive. A rocky start, a change o' underpants (for Sunny and Ari), but an altogether successful run. Laron fulfilled his contracts and we were ready to head to the Furnace.

Well, "ready" be nay quite the perfect word. Ari and Ver needed to attend to other affairs, so we recruited a mage from the Cartel (Thal... something longer) and tried to find another tank. While we were enjoying our stories and card games around the campfire Ver built... we were getting desperate for an addition to our team. It was only when Sunny put out the call for "a warrior, paladin, or overconfident warlock" that we finally got a volunteer. Crazy gnomes - got to love them.

Again, the rocky start, the change o' underwear, but wrapped up by much death-dealing by us. I can see how I settle into certain patterns of fighting depending on who I be fighting with. There be certain techniques I use o' avoid depending on what needs doing. Every time me team changes, I need to adjust. I get better though.

I'd forgotten how much Sunny makes me laugh. I swear, I sounded like some little school girl giggling after every fight (not so good in the middle of a fight). He and I have always had a back and forth friendship. He says "Light be with ye" and I say "May the shadows keep ye safe." It be never ending, but we respect each other in the end. His skills...always amaze me. Oh, and having a (overconfident) gnome warlock around commenting that this room or that room is where we're all going to die is always a hoot. More so when we keep surviving. Well, a few folks did trip and bonk their heads but Sunny had them up and happy in no time. (Laron has yet to meet a bomb he can disarm.) Not me though...managed to make it through unscathed.

I re-read this all and still nay be sure exactly what made it such a fine day. I've got to think it was a little bit of everything: friends, unexpected fun, good fights, laughter, and living through it all.

Correction: I was recounting our adventures with Sunny over breakfast. He reminded me that he had to call me back at least twice. I guess it be the bliss of the sleeping to nay remember what made them sleep.

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I saw the most interesting end to a duel today. I'd walked into one o' the many neutral bars just as two rogues were coming to the end of their fight. One was a white-skinned, raven-haired blood elf woman, the other, a brutish looking human man. They both fought well, back and forth with neither quite gaining the upper hand, but it was the ending that really sticks in my mind.

They fought to a draw, both of them suddenly coming up with blades poised at each others necks. Arms outstretched, they stared into each others eyes - willing the other to give first. Their blades must have been pressed tight because I saw blood begin to roll down and then drip from each blade. Interesting that the woman's looked like a pair of scissors.

After long moments of staring and red life dripping to the floor between them, the dark-haired lass smiled wickedly and licked her lips. Even I could see her desire to make the man's blood flow...even if it meant mixing it with her own. This broke her opponent and he dropped his arm to his side. Stiffly, he bowed and walked away from their "friendly" fight. He never turned his back to her, though. Once the lad was out the door, she smiled and licked the blood from her blade. I cannae imagine doing the same... yet she... well, obviously enjoyed it.

Finally, this crazy rogue walked over to a friend who licked her bleeding neck and healed it for her.

What to make of this? I cannae say. But, now, it be stuck in me brain as if taken by one o' those gnomish devices.

(( Disclaimer - The above never actually happened, but... Malorii, stay out of my dreams! Please? ))

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