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clys

Dear Mistress Clys

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Dear Master of the Useless,

I'm not sure what to tell you, frankly. A tiny demon that is nearly weightless, and doesn't do much of anything sounds, as you say, pretty useless.

Perhaps it has entertainment value? Can it dance? Can it be tortured? Can it do both at once?

If it's insect sized, maybe you could use it as a spy. Watch through its eyes while it hangs unnoticed on a wall, or listen in.

If it were hot, or cold, you could train it to crawl down people's backs, maybe. Not useful, exactly, but it would be funny in a crowded room.

Probably the best thing to do is just smash it with a good sized hammer, though. If people see that thing crawling on you, you're never gonna get laid.

~Mistress Clys

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Dear Mistress Clys,

I have a lot in life, plenty of arrows, decent food, and good friends. That is however, where it ends... with friendship. It would seem I have fallen for a past love, though it seems to be far too late for a relationship with her. She has a husband and is starting a family.

It seems however, that no matter where else I go to look for love, I always strike out. My companion seems to have no problem getting the attention of any woman he wants, they actually feed him bananas whenever he comes by them. I mean really who would have thought that a bird could get so much damn attention?

Overall, I just need help in being more charming with the ladies I think, any help would be appreciated, as it would seem if nothing happens soon I am going to burst.

~Pessimistic Pet Owner~

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Dear Mistress Clys-

I have a problem. There is this girl that seems to be allright, at first. Shes pretty and talented. But she has one catch- She seems to be incredibly insane. She hears voices, jumps from buildings to see if she can live, and has tried to catch fireworks with her own hands. Now, this only happens seldomly, or at least as much as I have experianced from her. Otherwise she seems to be quite an interesting person.

So, what should I do to her, or not do to her?

-Bedazzled Blood Knight

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Dear Mistress Clys,

I'm your average trolless, really. I got pregnant young, off of a shaman who I had a one night stand with. He ended up being a real bastard, but then I met someone new. He and I hit it off pretty well, and then one day he said we were married. I thought, sure, why not! I mean, he's handsome, powerful, enjoys my dancing.. we were a perfect match!

Then I found out he and his best friend, this transvestite kid, were sexual involved. I said heck, why not, and joined in. It was fun for a while, until the transvestite got pregnant. That's when I got pissed and had to leave.

So I left for a while and ended up meeting someone I knew a long time ago. He was my first boyfriend ever, and I realized we were still in love! Only problem is, I'm still married, and I'm pregnant with my husband's son. So I had to leave my childhood sweetheart for my husband.

I told my husband he's not allowed to have sex with anyone but me. To get the point accross, I tattooed my name to his penis and cast a spell on it, so it burns anyone else but me.

Things cooled down, and we're together again, but I still have to deal with a transvestite and his kids, and I still miss my childhood sweetheart. I don't want to leave my husband, though. The spell may be reversable, but it would feel like such a waste.

Also, my husband's penis is enormous.

What should I do?

-- Stewed Screwed and Tattood

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Dear Mistress Clys,

I found love in the form of my best friend, but he got married to a trolless. They were okay with me being there for a while, but when I accidently got pregnant, the wife switched gears and ordered me to never sleep with my friend again. I could learn to live with that (though with much frustration) but she's continued to do other things that don't sit well with me, like threatening to take my babies, calling me a life-sucking monster, and even tattooing her name on my friend's penis.

I don't understand why she is so unable to deal with being his wife and prefered lover, and instead has to be the only person in his life. I try my best to treat her as a good person for the sake of my friend, but the resentment and depression is taking its toll. How can I possibly cope with her?

--Odd Man Out

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Dear Mistress Clys,

It has come to my attention recently that I have this thing... A thing for kittens. Odd, yes but I cannot resist the urge to snuggle every single kitten that I see! Oh how I long for their soft fluffy fur, the way they purr ever so gently as I hold them in my arms and caress them for hours on end! Oh and their smell is divine! How can I ever resist! Lately I've been with out one in my arms for sometime now and I really need to find a kitten! Apperently this lust for these little wonderous creations has over taken my desire to do my daily funcions! I can't sleep with out one near me! I can't eat with out one by my side at the dinner table! My friends think I'm going crazy prioritizing kittens over mana! Whats a girl to do? Please help!

- Crazy for Cats

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Dear Mistress Clys,

I'm a self-respecting serial killer. Hell, I'm a big cannibal, too... I've eaten more than any other of the Forsaken. But sometimes I think that this job just isn't worth the stress. The other day, I was sneaking up on a man with a mighty bounty on his head, which I promptly removed from his shoulders. But as I looked at his blood-spattered face, I got really scared... I mean, it looked like the picture on the poster, but in that moment I thought that it was the wrong guy. I was so worried that I tried putting his head back on, but it kept slipping off. I eventually got it to stay, and leaned him up against a tree...

I'm at a quandary here, Clys... maybe it's time to give up the killing game. What should I do?

- Hungry and Homely

100th.

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Dear Pessimistic Pet Owner,

I can understand your frustration. When your pet gets more attention than you do, it may seem like a bad situation. However, I think that things are actually much better than they look.

Since your pet attracts the attention of women, it gives you an immediate an non-threatening way to introduce yourself to them. Such an opportunity is not to be ignored. It is quite valuable, actually. All you really need to do is learn to be yourself, and allow your pet to bring a constant stream of possible lovers to you. Sounds like you have it made.

However, you seem to be worried that you are not charming enough. You don't need to be a smooth talker to win at love, trust me. All you need to be is a good listener, someone who actually cares what a woman thinks and feels. Show them that you are a caring person, stuff a big sock in your pants, and you should be good to go.

But, just in case you get into a situation and don't know what to say, let me give you some examples. I'm not going to give you lines you SHOULD say, though. I'm going to give examples of what you SHOULD NOT say. These are all lines that I have actually overhead men using on women in various gathering places. Most of these men are now dead.

"Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?"

"Hey babe, how about an ale and a fuck? [slap] HEY! What's wrong, don't you like ale?"

"I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?"

"My name's Otis. That's so you know what to scream."

"Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them on your heaving breasts?"

"Do you spit or swallow?"

"I like your butt, can I wear it as a hat?"

"Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?"

"Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven is a long way from here." (this guy died twice)

"If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you." (this guy was torn limb from limb)

"I think about you when I masturbate."

"I'd love to be your bathwater."

"You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from."

"You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it."

"I can make you feel like I've never had sex before.." (yes, that's exactly what he said)

So, Pet Owner, if you've never said any of these things, congratulate yourself. You're doing fine.

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Dear Bedazzled Blood Knight,

You haven't really given me much to go on. You don't even say whether or not you like this girl. You say that she's pretty, but insane. So...?

Your only question to me is, "What should I do, or not do, to her?"

How the hell do I know? Try a few things. See what happens. Sheesh.

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Dear Stewed, Screwed, and Tatooed,

Such a moving story! It brought me to tears, truly. But from what I can see you have the situation well under control. I like the fact that you control your husband, and not the other way around.

One suggestion, though. You say that the spell on his penis burns anyone else but you. I really think you need to change that, or rather add to it. It should also burn him, really badly. In fact, it should burn him regardless of who he has sex with, even you. Then make him service you at least twice a day. Keep him line. After all, he was unfaithful, and should be punished for that. Maybe you can forgive him after a few years. Or not. Is he a good screamer? I love good screamers.

I don't get the part about the transvestite getting pregnant. Males don't generally get pregnant. What am I missing here? At any rate, your best bet is to simply kill this weirdo and his children. Make stew. Feed it to your husband.

The childhood sweetheart is just a distraction. If you can bind him to your eternal service in some way, perhaps it might be worth doing, but to just have him around as some kind of additional problem doesn't seem worth it. Try putting the burning spell on his dick, too. Two screamers are better than one.

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Dear Odd Man Out --

Geez, you are such a wuss! You actually WANT to be second rate? You would be happy with sloppy seconds? What the fuck is wrong with you? Kill that bitch and take over. Stop being such a loser.

~ Mistress Clys

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Dear Crazy for Cats,

I know exactly how you feel, dear. Sometimes it's really hard to prioritize between two or more things you really love. I often find myself asking the same exact question you are asking yourself. Mana, or pussy? Pussy, or mana? It can drive you crazy until you realize something.

Why choose? Why not have it all? Mana AND pussy! Woo hoo! Now you're talking.

~Mistress Clys

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Dear Hungry and Homely,

It sounds like you are having a typical male mid-life crisis. You've been doing the same job for years and years, and it's become hum-drum and boring to you. You're so good at it, you can do it without even thinking. Then one day, you suddenly look at your self and say, "Hey? What am I doing? Is this really how I want to spend the rest of my life?"

At that point, many men go a little bit crazy. They quit their jobs. They buy a shiny red epic Raptor and race around Razor Hill trying to pick up the cute young trolls. They comb their sparse hair across the top of their bald heads, so that their heads look like giant eggs in the grip of some huge spider. In short, they make complete asses of themselves.

Do yourself a favor and recognize that what you're going through is normal. Don't freak out. Buy the red Raptor, but keep your job. Fuck the young troll, but go back to work when the weekend is over.

You're a first class murderer. Don't throw it all away just because the years are creeping up on you.

~Mistress Clys

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((Posted as my mage.))

Dear Mistress Clys,

I have recently discovered what some might call a disturbing passion. That is, to say, I enjoy setting aflame my old friends and companions in what is now called the Ghostlands. It feels strange, but when I see a shambling mound that resembles someone I recognize (As much as one can tell with shambling mounds.), I cannot help but laugh at, mock and attempt to humiliate them much as I possibly can as what little that remains is turned to ash and swept away by the winds, it ignites an overwhelming and consuming feeling of joy. Should I seek help, or continue to incinerate what appear to be the remains of friends, family and associates?

Sincerely,

The Conflagrant Conjurer

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Dear Conflagrant Conjurer,

That's how you treat your friends, is it? Set them aflame and laugh as they burn? I hate to ask what you do to your enemies.

But let's get down to the real issue, here. You are hallucinating. Your mind has jumped the track. You are like a goblin rocket car in Shimmering Flats that has missed the turn and now speeds uncontrolled toward the looming cliff face. Must be nice.

Now I'm not one to preach abstinence. There's nothing wrong with smoking from a hookah all night, drinking mana-enriched drinks, and falling into a mindless state of orgiastic bliss. It's good for the nerves and the body. It is our reason for being. But you...you aren't sharing, you bastard!

I want to know what you are smoking. It must be some damn fine weed if shambling mounds are starting to look like your friends and relatives. In fact, I'm not sure there even ARE any shambling mounds in Ghostlands.

Dude. Come to the Silvermoon Inn and share. Don't bogart the good stuff, or else Mistress Clys will have to punish you and take your stash.

~Mistress Clys

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