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Dear Mistress Clys

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Dear Mistress Clys,

I have a problem, and I hope that you can help me. My brother and I are one year apart and grew up practically as twins. We buried our mother and bought some land together. Then, in our late 20s, my brother met and married a woman. We still lived together, only with hostility and distance.

Then the scourge came, and we all died at their hands. I, and my brother's wife, arose recently and joined the Forsaken. My brother has not been seen again.

My question is this. My brother's former wife, whom I despised in life, is now very attractive to me. She has the cutest little smile, with what's left of her mouth. She seems to be interested in me, also. We spent a lovely night picking bugs out of each other's hair and feeding them to each other.

Do you think it's all right if I make her my mate? I mean, she did die, and her vow to my brother was "Until death do us part." So...it's okay, isn't it?

~Restless Corpse

Dear Restless Corpse,

Absolutely not! Your brother could show up at any time, and then where would you be? It's one thing to fight while you're alive. It's entirely another to fight with another undead. Since neither of you can die again, you'll be fighting forever!

I suggest you simply enslave her. Get yourself a good Warlock and bind her soul to your service. Make her truly yours, more than she ever was your brother's. That way, if your brother does show up, there won't be anything he can do about it, and you can laugh at him for eternity. Much better than fighting, don't you think?

~Mistress Clys

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Dear Mistress Clys,

The dead speak to me on a daily basis, and I have this new ghost that won't shut up. She bounces around, yelling nonsense in my ear and jumps up and down on me when I'm trying to concentrate. Sometimes she makes me lose my concentration and has even caused me to lose soul shards!

Since you are a priestess, is there any way you could rid me of this vile poltergeist? I'm worried she'll start to bug me even more.

Oh, and if I kill my last remaining relative, is that a bad thing?

Yours,

Wicked Warlock

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Dear Wicked Warlock,

A ghost that jumps up and down on you doesn't sound like such a big problem. Ghosts don't weigh anything. However, the shouting in your ear I can understand would be annoying. Many a parent has stabbed a child to death for just such behavior, and I don't blame them.

The problem, however, lies within yourself. The dead speak to you daily, you say. I consulted the revered Tauren shaman, Bob, about this, and he said that such a problem indicates a serious lack of personal hygiene on your part. Ghosts and spirits are attracted to the smell of decay, mold, and rotting flesh. The solution, then, is relatively simple. You must bathe, often.

Since you are obviously not used to it, here are some simple steps to successful bathing:

1) Immerse yourself completely in warm water, getting your entire body wet, and soaking your hair.

2) Use lots of soap, lathering your skin fully, and working the lather deep into your hair as well. Spend extra time on your private parts, and be sure to scrub under your breasts.

3) Rinse yourself fully, removing all of the soap.

4) If this is your first time bathing, change the water at this point, and then repeat the process, as many times as needed to remove every speck of soil from your stinking carcass.

5) After your bath, perfume yourself lightly using a good quality scent, and then dress in freshly laundered clothing.

Remember, cleanliness is next to godliness. Or, as Shaman Bob puts it, "A bath a day keeps the ghosts at bay."

As for killing your last remaining relative, I would wait on that until you have learned your bathing lessons. After all, you don't really need an additional ghost haunting you right now.

~Mistress Clys

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Dear Mistress Clys,

I am a Tauren hunter, and I pride myself in my knowledge of our heritage and culture, and in my adherence to the ways of the Earthmother. However, I have this ugly wart on my left nostril, and although I have prayed for weeks and weeks for the Earthmother to remove it, she has not responded. I nearly lost control the other day and went to an Undercity surgeon to have it cut off, but fortunately I regained my senses before I went through with it.

I'm perplexed and saddened by the Earthmother's lack of care for me. Doesn't she love me? Why does she want me to look like this? Please, I need your wisdom.

~Angry Cow

Dear Angry Cow,

In the words of the revered Tauren, Shaman Bob, written in his priceless tome, The Book of Bob:

"Ask not what the Earthmother can do for you. Ask what you can do for the Earthmother!"

You see, Angry, your focus is in the wrong place. You are focused on a wart on your left nostril. Instead, you should be looking at the big picture. Here is what I suggest.

Go to the Charred Vale. Take some Gaea seeds with you. The Harpies there are desecrating the lands, spreading their foul and unnatural taint until the stench of it is detectable in Sun Rock! Go there. Slay the Harpies -- all of them. Rape and mutilate their dead bodies, and make a mountain of their flesh. Plant the Gaea seeds on the bleeding, oozing, mountain, and give thanks to the Earthmother for her cleansing power. Get your eyes off your nose, and look up at the Earthmother's face!

~Mistress Clys

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Dear Mistress Clys,

My mistress and her brother are so licentious it makes me blush, and I'm a succubus! Their constant partying and parade of guests is getting on my last nerves! And to top it all off her brother's hair is shinier than mine! How can I seduce anyone with him hanging around?

How do I get them to settle down a bit?

Sincerly,

Vexed Vixen

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Dear Vexed Vixen,

Licentious is a big word. Too big. It shows that you are using your brain too much, and your body too little. You will never succeed as a succubus that way! The secret to seduction is in making people want your body. Your mind has nothing to do with it! So what if he has shinier hair? You have the big breasts and sensuous lips of a demoness! You wield the whip of the nether! Between your legs is a paradise of pleasure and pain that nothing can stand against! Use the pheromones the demons of darkness gave you, girl! The scent of your arousal will make strong men swoon, and lonely women weep for joy!

If that doesn't work, shave his head while he's sleeping.

~Mistress Clys

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Dear Mistress Clys,

Help! What do I do! I keep setting the bedsheets on fire while I'm sleeping. I love fire, it represents passion and heat and pain and sweat and sensuality... sorry, got away from myself there a moment.. Because of it, I find myself dreaming of.. all of thoes listed things, every evening, only to wake up to a smoldering bed!

If I don't do something soon, I fear the Master of the House may ask me to leave on the grounds that replacing silk bed sheets every day can become costly!

Sincerly,

Firey in Falconwing Square

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Dear Mistress Clys-

I have three Elven prisoners. Nightelves, of course, but I have a problem. I have no current experiments to use these as test subject for and seem to have no use for them now. Of course I can't let them go as they would likely try to have their revenge.

So my question is, how should I kill them?

Forever yours,

Bored Old Corpse

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Dear Firey,

You've got to get ahold of yourself, or let someone get ahold of you, and soon! You're obviously a passionate woman with a strong libido, and you can't simply expect your sexual needs to take care of themselves. Your body is trying to tell you something, and unless you listen things will only get worse.

Find someone, whichever gender you prefer, and get your sexy on! If you don't want or aren't ready for a close relationship, there are plenty of willing professionals who can service you for a fee. Or you can purchase a slave down in Booty Bay. Just don't buy one from Greedo. Trust me on this. You don't need a disease on top of your other problems.

If you're dead set against casual sex or purchased sex, then there is one other option which can probably tide you over for a while -- the Gnomish Vibra-Diver 6000. It has multiple speeds, is fully adjustable as to size and depth, and even comes with a belt that allows hands-free usage. Get the flame-proof version, it comes in Hot Pink or Blazing Orange. Relief is just a button-press away.

Don't yearn and burn. It's wasteful, unnecessary, and unhealthy.

~ Mistress Clys

PS I know this has to be you, Crysa, dear. Your end of the hallway is always full of smoke. If you need help adjusting the Vibra-Diver, just call. I'll send Smurch in to help you.

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Dear Bored Old Corpse,

I am truly shocked. The Kaldorei are such gentle creatures, living close to nature, without a mean bone in their bodies. That you would hold three of them captive, to experiment upon, is outrageously evil. However, the poor things cannot simply be released, now. They are certain to require extensive therapy to heal from the mental scars you've given them, not to mention any physical trauma you might have put them through.

The thought of three of these lovely creatures, shackled to the wall, naked, pleading... Well it, it... uh... it turns the stomach! Yeah, that's it. It sickens me, you hear?

You need to turn from your wicked ways, Mr. Bored, and seek the love and light of Elune before it's too late.

I'll be over to pick up the Nightelves and take them to my clinic where they can be, um, properly cared for.

~Mistress Clys

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Dear Mistress Clys,

I tried your bathing techniques, and it seemed to work for a while. However, the ghost came back. I do have good news, though. Through some experimentation and by accident, I discovered that smoking vast amounts of Fadeleaf renders me invisible to the ghosts, or at least makes them ignore me. My mind goes a bit wild and I hallucinate, but those side effects are nothing compared to the torment this poltergeist was putting me through.

If you should ever have other Dead-Talkers writing to you with similar situations, please let them in on this. It seems to be working and I am happy to share this natural herbal remedy with you. Also, I will continue with the bathing treatments in case it is also connected.

Yours,

Wicked Warlock.

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Dear Mistress Clys,

I have an annoying paladin who follows me around and seems to delight in chastising me and spoiling my fun. Normally, I would slit her throat and toss her in an alley somewhere, but she is incredibly hot, has porn-star hair, and doesn't wear many clothes. Should I hire someone else to kill her or should I just close my eyes when I kill her so that I'm not distracted by the miles of creamy thigh.

Please send help soon. My trousers can't take much more of this.

Yours,

Frustrated Scoundrel

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Dear Frustrated Scoundrel,

Your words make no sense. First, you say that you have a red-hot paladin willing to follow you around and chastise you regularly, and then in the next breath you say this spoils your fun. You are clearly confused. You are male, and therefore require frequent, properly administered chastisement just to keep you from going completely haywire. You know this in the deepest parts of yourself. Look down at your bulging trousers, and then try to tell me that this sexy paladin isn't everything you need and desire.

My advice is simple. The next time she approaches you, whip in hand, kneel before your goddess and worship her for the precious gift she is. Sing her praises as she scourges the flaws from your soul. Thank her for every loving lash she lays across your quivering body. And pray that in time you will be worthy to kiss even the instep of her foot.

Men. They never know when they have it good.

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Dear Mistress Clys,

Is it possible for the scent of a man to make you do crazy things? I've noticed lately that a particular man has ... well... become my object of obsession. Whenever he's near I can't help but snuffle his neck and crawl all over him like some wildcat in heat. Even when he's gone all I do is think of him and next when I will see him.

The thing is, my profession entails being free enough to have people be obsessed over me. I'm a practical, business-minded woman and not prone to fits of desperate desire so this is really starting to ruin my work week. What should I do?

-- Henpecked Harlot

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Dear Henpecked Harlot,

I'm going to assume that the pen name you chose for yourself is accurate, and that you are, in fact, a 'working girl'. If that is your sole source of income, then it's rather important that you protect yourself from anything that might impair your ability to work. I will proceed on that assumption.

You are obsessed with a man to the point that even his scent is intoxicating. Obsession is good. Intoxication is good. Your pleasure, your desires, your needs being met -- all good. The only problem I see here is your possible loss of control of the situation.

Can you control this man? Can you enslave him, or make him at least a servant? Do you know anything about him that would give you power over him? Do you have some way to force him to your will? You're a courtesan, and no doubt highly skilled. Get him addicted to YOU.

You see what I'm saying. There is nothing wrong with your obsession, if you control the situation. In fact, it could be lots of fun. However, if HE is in control, then there is much danger for you. You MUST NOT let this happen! You could wind up compromising your source of income. You could drive away paying customers. You could, may the gods forbid, give up your life of harlotry and settle down to raising children and breast feeding the little brats. Gag me with a gnome.

Yes, I'm trying to scare you, because if you are not scared you may not act!

You must get this man squarely under your thumb, so that all the control is in your hands, or else pry yourself loose of this particular obsession and find something less dangerous to your well being and profession.

You know the man better than I, so you choose the method. Sexual addiction, blackmail, whips and chains...whatever it takes. Just make sure that in the end, he serves you, and not the other way around. If you need a little potion to help you along, you know where to find me.

~Mistress Clys

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Dear Mistress Clys,

I'm not sure what to do. My boyfriend is what some might call a "hard ass", but he really cares for me a lot. Unfortunately, there's about fifty other males who also care for me, and every time I tell him, or he finds out (he is a rogue...), he gets angry and wants to kill them. They're my friends, I don't want them dead!

I have a bad history with men.. three rape incidents, two ex boyfriends, one of them who tried to kill me and kept a chunk of my hair sewn to the inside of his shirt.

I'm only sixteen! Why does this keep happening to me??

Also, I'm in love with someone my complete opposite! What do I do??

--Angsty Teen

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Dear Angsty,

Let's take the last question first. You are in love with your complete opposite, you say? I say, fuggidaboudit. Nobody needs that kind of grief. What you're looking for here, listen now, is someone who is YOUR MATCH. Someone whose personality complements your own. You're a puzzle piece looking for the other half that exactly matches your edges. A perfect fit is what you want. Pounding his big square peg into your little round hole won't work. Dump him now, and keep looking.

Now for your first question: Why does this keep happening to me?

If you have 50 males after you, plus one that you admit is a "hard ass" type, you have been raped three times, and some weirdo is wearing your hair inside his shirt, then I can tell you three things about yourself for sure.

1) You are unbelievably attractive, a goddess come to the mortal plane.

2) You are unbelievably ignorant and naive.

3) You are hanging around with the wrong fucking people, my god!

Nothing is going to change point number one. Well, maybe old age, but you're sixteen. Old age is a long ways off. But you CAN and MUST change points number two and three. To do this, you need time and experience. You're going to have to take drastic steps to cut down on the number of males after you, and spend the next few years having selective, one-on-one relationships with men (or women) that you choose, not who choose you (especially not against your will!). There's no shortcut to experience, but you do have to live long enough to get some, and the way you're going now, you ain't gonna make it that long.

So, here's what I suggest. To get all those males to leave you alone, you're going to have to purposefully make yourself unattractive. And I mean, very unattractive. And don't go anywhere that men will be drinking, because a drunk man will fuck anything that moves. If they are orcs, they'll jump even things that don't move and are barely above room temperature!

So, take these steps to get the guys to leave you alone and give yourself some breathing room.

a) Stop bathing. Completely. No hair washing, either.

b) Do not change your clothing. Ever.

c) Pee in your pants. All the time.

d) Eat something nasty and vomit on yourself. Don't wash it off.

e) Stare at nothing, as if there is something scary there.

f) Talk to yourself constantly, saying random things that make no sense.

g) Shout as loud as you can, at random, about something that isn't there.

If *any* male is still hanging around you after a month or so, just kill him. He's obviously insane and you want nothing to do with him. Once you are finally alone and can think, then do so. Think about yourself, what you real needs are, what your heart's desire really is. Dream about where you'd like to be in 10 years. What kind of relationship do you really want to find? What would really make you happy?

Also, prepare yourself battle-wise. You're going to need to be the most dangerous bitch in town to keep the guys at bay once you go back to being your normal, incredibly attractive self. Learn to kill. Learn to kill without remorse. Learn to kill because some guy asks you "What's your sign?" Such people don't deserve to live in the same world with you. Do us all a favor and remove them from it.

Never be a victim again, or I will personally hunt you down for being a disgrace to the female gender. No, scratch that last bit, I won't hunt you down. But I will be very disappointed. You are woman. You don't have to roar, but putting a shiv in the heart of the next guy who tries to touch you without your permission would be very nice.

Once you have in your head a clear picture of what you want, then you can clean up and go looking for it. And DON'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS. Period. Remember, you are unique and precious, and you deserve nothing less than the very best.

Good luck,

~Mistress Clys

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Dear Mistress Clys;

I have been following your articles with considerable interest and decided you might be the perfect one to help me with a dilemna.

You see, used to be a time my boss' mother ran the company I belong to. At the time she was a real, well to put it into words you would appreciate, " a real hard assed iron handed bitch." She was fair and she was good to her loyal employees, and the benefits were decent. But gods help whomever crossed her or tried to bamboozle her!

Problem is, she has passed on a lot of her duties to her son, and went and had an extreme makeover. She is still the same woman I am certain, but not quite the bitch anymore.

More like a hottie!

Yes I still treat her with the same respect, but I find myself forcing down the giggles of delight as she bounces along like a bubbly nubile nymph. I just want to pinch those cheeks at times!

So I ask you, what strategies do you suggest to help me suppress those inappropriate images when I speak with her? I fear one day I might slip up and slap her tushie or something.

Sincerely;

Farmer Smith.

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Dear Mistress Clys,

Through studying alone, I learned how to summon a demon from the Nether long before I knew any other spells. It is small, the size of a big bumblebee, has spindly legs and rows of teeth. I was very proud of this before I learned to summon more useful things. You see this strange demon has no usefulness. It is so light that I hardly feel it when it crawls all over me, until it starts biting (sometimes not sharp enough for me to notice). I am determined to find a use for it, not everyone can summon something after a few months of solitary study. What do you suggest?

Sincerely Yours,

Master of the Useless

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Dear Farmer Smith,

Hey, you aren't related to Farmer Kalaba, are you, because I hate that bitch. I was in Hillsbrad fields the other day and she tried to run a pitchfork through me! Where do you farmers get off threatening people? Stick to your fucking rutabagas and leave innocent people alone!

If you're not related to Farmer Kalaba, please disregard. Unless you raise rutabagas. In that case, please kill yourself.

As for your question, I admire your honesty in admitting that a person's looks make such a big difference to you. Most shallow people are not willing to confess their shallowness to others. They walk around thinking that they are deep, when in fact their petty little lives are essentially meaningless.

But, in light of your obvious lack of intelligence in putting such a high priority on someone's looks over their character, I seriously doubt that your boss' mother cares much about what you think of her. It is clearly inappropriate for you to be thinking about laying hands on her at all, and slapping her ass would be beneath even someone of your low intelligence.

You are no doubt suffering from Male Dangling Brain Disorder, or MDBD. Males with this problem have their entire brain function relocated to their penis, where it dangles, dangerously exposed, waiting for the inevitable angry knee to the groin by some outraged female.

My suggestion is this: Either smarten up, or start wearing a cup.

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