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Fenny Cranksplat in "A Piece of Cake" (Race Bending Contest)

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     Fhenrir Phoenix is a tauren warrior that has served the Horde for over a decade. His staunch and unwavering commitment to fighting both the Alliance and the other threats from around the world has earned him the title of Lieutenant General. In the past, he struggled to find who he was beyond his duty. He has since settled into a (mostly) content personal life, with many close allies and a caring partner. He is generally ornery and humorless, but lets his guard down around those closest to him.

But now...


Fenny Cranksplat, in:

"A Piece of Cake"


One of my earlier memories is about a cake. It was at my birthday party. We were outside the house, sitting at a public bench in the park. Dad didn't invite anybody that wouldn't pay for their own food, so there were only Cranksplat family members watching when he brought out the cake. Crappy graying grass under the bench crunched with each of his steps, and he nearly slipped on an oil stain. But when the cake came down, I was thrilled to see it slathered in pink frosting and oozing some kind of chocolate sugary filling. Dad sliced a piece for me and set it on my plate. I must've had the biggest, fattest, happiest face an eight year old goblin could have.

Then my older half-brother, Rigo, snatched my plate and started eating.

I started bawling. "D-d-daaaad!"

Dad slapped me in the back of the head. "Shaddap. I look like a cake dispensary?"

I sniffed and watched my brother eating my chocolate oozing pink cake and was about to lose it again.

"Pushovers don't eat," Dad said.

Nearby in a pile of junk, I saw an old bent wrench. I wiped the snot off my nose, grabbed it, and beat my brother to a pulp.

"Dat's my boy," I heard Dad say while I ate the rest of my reclaimed cake.

After that, Rigo went to go live with Mom.


Dad knew I was a fighter. When I was gettin' big enough to do proper work, he bought me my mech-mace. Well, he said bought, but it had an inscription on the handle that read "Love, Your Little Corkscrew." The spinning gears on the head looked kinda stupid, but they were supposed to make it 42% more Aerodynamic and 69% more Ouchy.

"If you wanna keep eatin'," Dad told me, "ya better make dis a worthwhile investment."

I worked my butt off every day with that thing, and by the time I was old enough to make myself useful, I went and got myself a job for the richest goblin I could find. Some jerk who counted coins at the bank needed some muscle to keep thugs out.

"I... see. What makes you qualified to watch our gold, Mister... Fenny Cranksplat?" the banker asked as he read my resume.

Well, it wasn't really a resume. It was a paper that I wrote "Hire Me" on, cause they said I needed a resume to apply.

"I'm gonna level with you, buddy. Everybody in line out there bashes heads, probably about the same as I do. But," I dropped my mech-mace on his desk. "You don't have to pay to arm me. That's less risk on your end, cuz if I die or my stuff gets stolen, you didn't pay for a copper of it."

The banker tilted his head and scratched his chin.

The next day, I was working for the guy. I scratched my butt and leaned into anyone who looked funny for eight hours a day, and I was making more gold than Dad ever did. I had to crack a few skulls, but that was the way of things: either  He probably resented me for it. Well, no, he definitely resented me for it. The old dope tried to rob me after I'd stashed up a couple months of pay under my pillow.

I woke up one night face to face with him, his hand literally clutching my bag full of gold.

"Hey," he said casually, sweat pouring down his forehead.

I slept next to my mace, so I had it available to bash his head in.

I woulda felt bad, but he kinda asked for it. By trying to steal my stuff.


Nobody at the mortgage company really asked questions when I took over payments from my old man. They were still getting their gold, so they were happy. After a year or so working at the bank, I got approached by a guy in a shady outfit with a shady agenda. "Meet me in the alley down the block by the weird-smelling dumpster tonight. Got a job that'll triple yer pay."

Didn't trust him for a second, but gold is gold, and my ladyfriend cancelled our plans for that night, so I went and checked it out. Flickering street lamp just outside the alley showed me the shadow of the guy waiting for me; the flabby, spidery shadow. Trade Prince Gallywix himself came out to meet me: maybe this really was something.

He also had maybe a half dozen guards - that I could see, at least - surrounding him.

"Hah, he actually came, boss!" one of them squeaked in an awful twang.

"That he did," the Trade Prince said through his bouncing jowls. "So, your name is Fanny, right?"


"All right, Fanny, here's the score. My boys say you got a night shift at the end of the week. You're gonna look the other way, for about two hours or so."

"Why am I gonna do that?"

"So ya don't have an affair with tha fishes tomorrow," another guard said in a leathery growl.

I pulled the mech-mace off my back. "You wanna rumble?"

"He's strapped!" the first guard shrieked.

"No need for a rumble," the Trade Prince cut in. "It's bad for business. Tell you what: you do what you're supposed to, triple your pay."

If I was loyal to one thing, it was to the coin. And a Trade Prince was worth way more than any random banker. His diet alone was probably worth more than my house; Gallywix had more chins than I had fingers.

"Guess I won't see you later."


The heist came and went, and I ignored it like I was supposed to. Once they were gone, I didn't even finish my shift: the bank was gonna know who to blame when their gold was missing tomorrow. Soon as the sun was up, I was at Gallywix's place.

"Here to see the Trade Prince."

"Shove off, no appointments for today."

"He should be expecting me."

"He ain't expecting you."

"He ain't expecting a certain guy getting paid for a certain thing that wasn't observed last night?"

The guards exchanged looks. "Be right back."

One of them left, and I was left staring the other guard's ugly mug for just a bit too long. I was getting suspicious.

Finally, the guard came back. "Go on in."

So I get to the Trade Prince, hanging out in his spider tank thing. I had a sinking feeling when I realized just how much of an oily smell that thing put off, and how much noise it made when he moved around. Didn't notice either of those things in the alley.

"You hinted at something out at the gate?" Gallywix said.

"The job," I prompted him.

"Ah, yes. Fenny Cranksplat, correct? The AWOL guard?"

I was screwed. "Maybe. Listen, Trade Prince-"

I didn't even get to finish my sentence.


I woke up at the bottom of a trash chute. The only source of light was a square opening about three floors up. A goblin around my age poked his head through after he heard me shuffling around. "You awake? You must be the dumbest burglar on the whole island."

"I didn't burgle anything."

"Sure, sure. Hey, nice mech-mace, Little Corkscrew. Worth just enough to keep you out of cement shoes."

They were gonna sell my mace. "I'll kill you!" I tried to climb up, but I couldn't get up the walls. They were coated in some kind of oil; or I hoped it was oil.

"Clean up the whole place and we'll see about getting you a promotion!"

"Screw yourself!" I shouted back.

"Just think!" he called as he threw something into the chute that obscured the only source of light. "You could be "Lieutenant Garbage!""

The source of the shadow smacked into my face:

A big piece of pink chocolate cake.

Edited by Fhenrir
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