A New Book and a Black Feathered Quill

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While this book looks as fresh as the day it was pressed and bound, I have had it in my possession for some years. A birthday gift from Faelenor. He said if I ever had something I could not say to him, to keep it here. So practical of him, so honest and true of him. I would say my excuse for never picking it up previously was that I never had anything to keep from him, but in reality I just never had the desire to self reflect in this way. But with new, drastic changes to one’s life, their priorities and willfulness to do certain things change.

So here I am, the sun just beginning to peek over the gardens in our estate, our first home. The warmth kissing away dew drops on the flowers and shrubbery as I sit here and write. So few times have I had the opportunity to return here lately, but it always feels warm and inviting, and I immediately feel safe and cared for. I am glad we are able to share some of that warmth and care with her… I have a need to care and protect her from harm and there is no better place than the Rayfeather manor.

Never once did I ever see myself opening my heart to another person beside my significant other, and yet now, there is a rippling in the waters. It’s begun small, an infatuation, a desire, a draw so strong that you cannot and do not want to escape from. She says she feels the same way to me, that I pulled her in and she fell in love. Faelenor was much the same way seven years ago, we fell in love in the span of the sun setting and returning to the sky.

But my fear is what is holding me back. Fear of loving and trusting another with my complete being, fear of losing everything I have to that person. I know Faelenor has feelings for her, has had them for quite some years, and what if I am pushed out. Chosen over rather than along with. I would lose the love of my life, the family we’ve worked for and fought for over the span of years. Jealousy is an ugly monster and makes beautiful people do such ugly things. I do not want to be one of those people, but the fear still sits heavily within me.

Last night, we all agreed on Faelenor’s words. That whatever is in store for us next, and this new, tentative family, we would wade in it together. I hope his words stay true, and with time and patience and tenderly shown love, we can all be happy together. My naive optimism sometimes get the better of me, but this time it almost feels different. At least, I hope it does and that is not my wishful thinking rearing it’s ugly head again.

Edited by Amalyn

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I feel compelled to write again, to use this book that I know to be overly costly. Fael enjoys spending a bit of money on me, he says I am deserving of having nice things every once in a while. And now, someone else in our lives is deserving of that same treatment, of being doted on and cared for.

I am coming to the realization that this is all real. We have invited another into our hearts, our home, and intend to extend that love to the rest of her family. Her children are already so enmeshed in our own circle. I think about the difficulties that will come next. The hurdles to get over, the incoming talks, and the new dynamic of a blended family.

First, speaking with the children; specifically the two young ones. How do you go about explaining to a seven year old that another woman will be sharing her parent’s bed each night? That her best friend will be moving into her home, and if they’d like, they can share a room. I’m sure Saturna will be excited about that prospect, but will have plenty of questions regarding the former. How will Isa feel? Her mother now involved in the way she is. Will they be understanding? Accepting? I do hope so.

This causes me to take pause, for the idea of approaching her older children. Though I suppose technically they are not her children. They still share her likeness, and I feel if I were to meet another Saturna, I would want to be involved in her life. Faelenor has also already formed a bond with the older girl; the older son still an unknown. Perhaps they will not be so difficult to talk to, for there is somewhat of a detachment there. But I wish there wasn’t for Sinlanna’s sake. This could be a way for her to become closer to these distant children, should she wish to.

This is just one of the things weighing on my mind as I laid in bed this morning. After moments of tenseness and miscommunication, we ended up in each other’s embrace. Arms and legs tangled between the three of us, a sense of comfort as we waited for our day to start. I could smell both of them, an intoxicating surround as our half-naked bodies were warmed by the sun beginning to cast through the window. I remember looking up to her beautiful face and just marveling in it. And then being caught by Faelenor, the look of sly playfulness on his features. She is so much like my husband; I find it easy to fall for her. But I do not want that to be the reason I do so. I want to know all of her differences, her intricacies. She’s still so much of a mystery to me, so much behind those shadows. Yet I can feel myself letting go each time we meet and with each passing day I want to know her inside and out, and I want her to know me. I even want her and Fael to know each other deeper, to truly fall in love as well. I want us three to be completely whole, trust flowing freely between us.

Faelenor and I still need to talk. Just he and myself. I could see it on his face for the last two days. He is most likely worried for me, for I have been the one to show the most trepidation. But can he blame me? He has already fallen for her as they worked together. He already knows her and has those feelings. It was not that long ago that I believed the Lady Arath’dorei did not appreciate my presence at all. And now I feel her presence so acutely. If I reach out my mind to hers I can brush the edges, feeling the animal pacing within her beauty. Yet, there is a softness to her. A need to be held and kissed tenderly, to be shown she is safe. I have this inexplicable need, no, a desire for us to provide that for her. She’s had so much hardship in her life; so much that one person never deserves to go through on their own. She deserves better. She, and her family, deserves love.

I shared a kiss with Faelenor this morning; it felt no different than any other day. And yet, it brought a blush to my face. As if I feel nervous to enjoy my own husband now. I need to deal with these thoughts, worries. I think it’ll be something I speak with each of them about soon.


Sinlanna Arath’dorei, welcome to the Rayfeather Family.

I have all of the hope in the world for us to be a loving and working family

Edited by Amalyn

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I have never known the tender touch of another woman until that night, how gentle and soft we can be. Skin, smooth and radiant, bewitching in whatever light deems itself worthy to shine upon it. She is so exquisitely beautiful that I could not help myself from falling for her that night in the garden. But was it truly falling in love? You cannot -love- someone within a matter of days, weeks, can you? I suppose there is love at first sight, which perhaps did happen between myself and my husband… but could the same thing happen twice in the same lifetime? I would draw the conclusion again that they are so similar, that that would be the explanation; but I cannot bring myself to do it. She has differences, intricacies, that greatly differ. She is her own person, not like any other I’ve met, and it draws me in even more. So I would say I have fallen for Sinlanna Arath’dorei, in infatuation and desire, beyond just physical. But I think with time I could fall completely in love with her as well.

I must communicate this to her, and soon, for I fear she is pulling away from us. She has not spent the last several nights here in our home, saying she has business to tend to at her own manor. But business and rebuilding do not happen in nighttime, so I fear the worst in her running away. As I lay upon Faelenor’s chest and voice my concern, he reassures me she just needs some time, some space. Of course I will listen to him; his experiences in life have made him so wise that I often forget he is younger than he seems. He’s intelligent and calculating, which makes him a formidable friend and foe. I have always listened to his words, or his command on the battlefield, and never once has he lead us astray. It is something I can always count on in life, his ever present… presence, and mind who is always ready to help another of his people.

Those who get to know Faelenor are usually surprised by him. For if you can get past the tactical soldier’s exterior, the businessman and diplomat, he is warm and light hearted. If ever anyone has a concern, no matter who they are, he will listen to their words. He will listen to their heart and then return in kind, offering his knowledge and words of reprieve. This is why it pains me that another under our banner refuses to hear him out. That they have such differing opinions on one matter, yet, they want to see the same end. Perhaps they will work things out in time, I have faith in them doing so.

Previous to the last few evenings, of Sinlanna missing from our bed, we all had dinner as a family. A beautiful table set on the beachside of the manor, succulent meat and fresh baked bread. The girls were full of energy, excited to give their respective mothers a gift that had been chosen earlier that day while out with Faelenor. I fear the promise of opening our gifts after eating was the only reason they ate at all, being so full of exuberance and anticipation. The time came and I could see the sparkle in Faelenor’s eye, that these would be no normal gifts on any ordinary day. I was proven right, when each girl opened  their box and beautiful bracelets were shown to us. Each identical, yet their own. White gold bands, script inside with our daughter’s names in our native tongue, and arrows engraved on the bands aside each pearl at the ends of the band. It was the pearls that caused me to realize their meaning, each a reflection of Sinlanna and myself in the simplest of ways. My pearls looked the blackest night, and her’s looking like the radiant whiteness of the sun in it’s purest form. We each, as mothers, held tears back… for it would have soured the evening to upset our daughters in such a way. It is a mother’s duty to protect her child from all that she can, is it not? Of course… I have many thoughts on protecting your children and what they should be exposed to, for well rounded growth and understanding of the world. But that is a topic for another day, another time.

The gifts were so perfect, so beyond something I could have imagined at this time in our relationships. But it seemed perfect, a display from Faelenor that he wants this to work. Wants us, and perhaps already sees us, as a family. I hope, and pray, we have not lost Sinlanna, that she hasn’t taken to her home and decided to turn her back on what we had begun to build.

Another note is hastily written at the bottom, like it was suddenly added later that day.

The first formulation of Megeda’s tincture seemed to work, but I regret the way that the test came about. I was the cause of him to lose control this time, something I never wanted to happen. I worry I lost his trust because of it, and yet, he let me hold him for some time afterwards while it took effect.

Am I drawing myself too thin? So many I feel the need to care for, to love, that some days I am asleep before my head touches the pillow. I should seek those who care for me for strength, because I will not stop what I have started. I will press on, and continue to bring light to those that allow me to. It is simply my way, my destiny, right?

Edited by Amalyn

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I sometimes look at my life and wonder how I got to where I am today.

A husband, a child, a small army of people at my beck and call, willing to give their lives for me just because someone pays them to.

I’ve had people under my command as well, I practically ran a small town and provided not only physical healing services for them but mental ones too.

And now I carry a banner I previously held before, because their ideals and philosophy are most aligned to what we are trying to do, and yet I feel like a stranger to them.

I’ve been on a mission, yes, but I had no time prior to get to know any of them, not even the leader whom I’ve sworn my loyalty to, was I able to get a word in with.

I’ve sat for hours in the infirmary, I’ve healed the hurt and sick, and yet I feel like a transient, a passerby who is merely a useful ghost in a time of need.

Outside of my family, I do not feel like I have people relying on me, looking up to me for answers to their life’s problems, and it frightens me that that is what I hinge my life’s worth on.

It’s not enough that I am a faithful wife, or a loving mother, but that I only feel fulfilled anymore when I can solve others problems and bring peace to this world.

I wonder what will happen when I can no longer fight. When my children have long left our home and my body deems it’s time to give up, what will I do then? Will I be able to deal with those feelings of inadequacy, or will I have lived a fulfilled enough life by then to be sated in this underlying need?

I do want to get to know the people of Sanctuary, I really do. I miss the feeling of having a community, a family, but when I look around I cannot help but feel I am not needed. An outcast, of sorts.

I’ve devoted my life to the light, to healing wounds and easing troubles minds, but as war winds down, what do those of us who know nothing but it do?

Ha, I speak as if I’m some war-weary veteran with grey hair and countless scars to match, but if I think about it, war is really all I know.

I completed my studies at the academy and immediately fell into working alongside my husband, a man I met before I was even finished becoming a full-fledged paladin. It wasn’t until some years later, while I was pregnant with our daughter, did I turn to priesthood and forever changed my life again.

But truly, war is all I have known, and it’s something I’d never wish on anyone else in this world.

I’ve tried to protect our daughter from it, but she’s at that age where she’s becoming much more aware of her surroundings, of the world and all of it’s horrors, and I cannot stop it.

I would never lie to her, I never have, but sometimes I yearn for the days when she was still a sweet little bundle I could so easily hold against my breast. When calming her and making her happy was as easy as humming a soft tune and holding her close.

I long for the days when my husband came home every night.

But that- that is for another time, I think.

I worry, though, for befriending the people of Sanctuary. Will I be able to open myself up again? Can I allow myself to be vulnerable and allow myself to be loved? Am I even deserving of such love after everything I’ve allowed to happen?

I suppose I should speak to my husband on it. He so easily endears himself to others and is beloved by so many, it was no shock I had been so taken by him all those years ago.

And it is no surprise I still devote my life to him after all we’ve been through, concerns for my daughter aside.

It has been quite some time since I last wrote in this journal, its spine still sturdy and intact, perhaps I should change that.

Edited by Amalyn

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