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Idle thoughts of a lost soul (Yueme Ravensong)

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I'm proud to announce nothing interesting really happened today. I spoke with Tairika and found a secret I wouldn't even dare to inscribe in my log of memories, not right away at any point. I said my goodbyes to Stormwind for now, and I moved to Darnassus, even if it's only temporary.

Already the memories here make it enjoyable, I've never felt more attractive and more ready to take on the world. Tomorrow I will test my wings, the bandages finally came off, and despite my babying the scar is nothing but a white slice, unnoticeable in most light though if you look close, you can see the teeth marks. I worry it may upset Shari, and if this is true then I may have it magically altered.

Oh.... I also submitted my application.

I dearly want the position, I hope I find out soon.

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(( more of a short story than a journal entry, IC events rather than a written log ))

Close your eyes, breath.

You're still alive.

That was all she could really understand right now. But she wished there was more to it than that, there was pain, it radiated from the pit of her stomach as it churned, seeming to consume itself, rations of dried meat. Her system tore it apart, she didn't have much else to eat so it refused to come up, but at night she would struggle to turn on her side, hold back groans of pain and wish for death. It wouldn't come and they seemed to enjoy making sure that the desperate impulses would not come to pass. She just wanted it to end, everything needed to end.

At times the priestess would come, that harpy. She consorted with the priest, that poor man, his fate was her fault.

Close your eyes, breath.

As long as your heart is beating there's a shred of hope right?

The darkness was the worst though, she tried to ignore everything, when she could manage sleep, it was fitful, pain, nightmares. So much so that she'd become sure they were memories rather than illusions. Her heart was broken, her mate was dead. That was where they found her wasn't it? They pulled her from the snow and the frozen bodies of those she loved most, no, that wasn't right.... it was her wedding.... her wedding. It never happened. Dalomere wouldn't want her back.

He was dead wasn't he?

Her eyes opened slowly, the roof of the hut, it'd become so familiar...

Close your eyes, pretend you're somewhere else?

" Yueme?" The druidess' face contorted in annoyance, her eyes fluttering open again, her shallow eyes scanning the room. There was a sight that made her heart leap, a visitor, not the red eyed blood elf, not the witch of a woman. He wasn't dead.

The tall elf male made sure to keep himself silent as he moved across the room, and the fire that had been drained seemed to return quickly. She pulled against the rope, arched herself in an attempt to tug from the collar. Once dry eyes seemed to glaze with tears and she had to keep herself from shouting with glee. The warden knelt next to the broken woman, his eyes reflected the rage he felt towards those who did this, pity, pain, worry. They all etched his face.

" We're getting you out of here." Quickly the druidess nodded, slowly she could feel his hand on her cheek, his palm felt so soothing, her eyes closed and she nestled her face into his touch only until his lips met hers briefly. Hope had returned. " I love you." He assured her, she couldn't help but sob.

Dalomere moved himself over her, leaning up to untie her from the post, Yueme watched him expectantly, nothing was going to go wrong, elune had answered her prayers. This personal hell would be over, she'd be going home. Nothing would go wron-

There was a weight against Yueme's chest, suddenly she was compeled to look past the warden to the entrance of the hut where one green eye watched impassively. A gun shot, it rang in her ears almost as if it were an after thought. What was warm and wet on her face... The warden's weight now was fully on her, blood draining from the elf's skull, staining what was left of her white dress. All strength drained from her soul as the hunter calmly reloaded the gun, pointing it once more at the warrior, shooting though his chest, and through him, into the druidess. Yueme was stunned for too long, her lungs couldn't find the air to scream.

She did regardless.

She did so until she couldn't anymore, coughing and crying, she couldn't think, she couldn't breath. Her world had ended. What more could there be? Even hope betrayed her. Elune had left here, there was nothing, nothing left at all.

When her eyes opened again it was dark, nothing but faint starlight outside seemed to illuminate the area, was that reality, or a dream? Quivering like a rabbit she pulled herself back to the post. She could have sworn she heard Thaldrin speaking to her but she couldn't hear him, even if she did, she wouldn't have responded. For a second she could swear there were red eyes glaring at her from the doorway...

Close your eyes....

Why won't I just die.

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I'm happy to be home, but to think of all that I have lost... perhaps my actions come at too great a cost. Elune has shunned me, of this I am sure. I must make my own light within the union that I share with the warden, he is the port in the stormy seas... sadly one ship, unaccounted for was lost in the ravenous tides...

Tonight I wake screaming and crying, Dalomere is here to soothe my fears with kisses and kind words but the hole in my heart seems to tear so feverntly. Why now do I begin writing again after so long? Perhaps so I can better share my thoughts, I can't find myself able to speak to my mate.

He is my mate.

Simply because we were not given the chance to swear ourselves in front of Elune doesn't mean it isn't true. As of today I am in my heart a Winterwind. But back to the past few weeks.

Arranging the wedding was a dream, despite our massive associates we chose to keep the ceremony simple, the two of us and a witness in front of a priestess of Elune. Our big day was ruined, three Sin'dorei spirited myself and our witness, a young priest Thaldrin away.

At the time I didn't think much of it, before the wedding I had been fretting with my hair on my own, weaving every fresh flower I could get my hands on into my hair, I had tried some makeup and perfume, I wanted to look perfect for Dalomere. I had even scolded him for coming to see if I was ready. How I wish I instead kissed him and simply left my vanity aside.

Then there was a week in a hut, with a warlock and a harpy who's hunger never seemed quenched. The nightmares, they took my sanity, they took my mind, they took my judgement, but I'm sure it was a bullet that stole from myself and my mate the most. Had I known, a child, Dalomere and I, our child, it never had a chance. I am a healer, I should have seen the signs... I should have done something, I feel hideous, marred and imperfect, but good enough to be a bargaining chip to another sin'dorei.

My time with him was vastly different, though I still shudder to think, not for him as much as his companion, a death knight who even now leaves me with a watchful eye on Dalomere and Baydir. I do owe the man, I will find a way to make it up to my host, yet never at the cost of my own safety.

I'm not sure how long I was with the kind sin'dorei, he offered me trust and promises, and I am sorry, but freedom was something I could not refuse, as a druid it is what I crave more than air.

I need to ask about Thaldrin, I need to heal. Perhaps once the nightmares have stopped my life will return, the very snow piled about our home makes me shake. I've forced the curtains shut, I have Dalomere and Baydir. Shari'fal seemed concerned and I am ever grateful to her. Members of the watch I was too ashamed to look in the eye. In time I will need to return to my duties, I will need to inform the rest of my extended family that I am safe, I must write to the paladin who had trusted me to wander his garden.

Though not now.

Now I must come up with a name for my child...

It will never take a breath but I still wish for it to be returned to the earth if only in spirit. Saruron... I would like to name the child after the brave priest who motivated me to move foreword once again. We'll set a head stone in winterspring for it....

I can't stop crying

Dalomere please forgive my foolishness.

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Sauren has been committed to Elune, my friend Ciandri was gracious enough to assist in that. Her words were soothing… I can't help but wonder what the child would look like, boy or a girl? Would she have my faulted silver eyes? Would he have Dalomere's smile? I'll never know but at any rate this will make the next all the more cherished.

With Elune Sauren knows their parents love him… Never will they be forgotten.

We've left Winterspring, between the nightmares and the "present" It's just not a place I can stand… I hate that, it's my home, I feel like we're running but for now I will remain in Darnassus. The safety of Dalomere's watchful eye over me.

In spite of all this I can't help it.

I feel so happy all the time.

I just can't contain it.

Though I doubt I would want to.

Sometimes I see things that bring back recent memories, but in light of that I am able to push on. Dalomere's birthday went perfectly, well… a few wrinkles aside. I can't help it… Shari'fal is a friend of mine but in that outfit. Well I can at the very least understand Dalomere's reactions a little more accurately. He said that he didn't look at other women anymore, not since the evening in the glade. I can't describe how it made me feel to heal that. I will without a doubt watch my actions better, become the sort of person who deserves such loyalty.

And the first step to this, is to be able to defend myself… I've started to sneak off and stubbornly push my way to some manner of self reliance.

My claws aren't meant for blood, I can't stand the thought of it, while I often carry weapons, using them seems too much for me. MY magic, is only to be used in order to heal, I won't use it on others… I had always remembered Elindre and her desire to become a sentinel… She was always so graceful with a bow, it's my hope I can… maybe capture something of the same serenity.

The first of my attempts with it were… well Whilla thought it was hilarious.

Arrows littered the ground, but one made it to the markings I put on the tree… it's a start isn't it?

There is another blemish I should mention… speaking with Vindl, she was surprised to see me back but I thought that was off, Thaldrin was released first, or so I had been told.

Thaldrin, he was with me but no longer, I'd thought that the blood elf had taken him to but perhaps I was wrong… No doubt he's still in Svetlaena's clutches. I don't know what I can do about it, There has to be something…

((Added later))

I had a dream, I was standing in the middle of the forests, we were fighting as we had done time and time again, this time I was unarmed, nothing, no stave to block, no magic to heal. I felt this over whelming wave of fear wash over me, I had turned to look for Dalomere only to realize I was alone, all of my friends were slain and all that remained was the horde. It was a clear brisk night but there was horde, it seemed peaceful, until I faced forward.. the hulking figures looming over me. An axe was raised, reflected in my own eyes until everything went white. I'd woken up screaming. Baydir mewling at the edge of the bed and I couldn't stop crying… What am I doing?

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I can't describe it... how it pierced me to hear such a thoughtless sentence slip from his lips with such venom.

I don't know if I can ever forgive him.

The chill in Winterspring bit me but I was able to pack up some more of my things. Maybe I can finally focus myself, let go of bonds that have held me back.

Some days I'm not sure how I can manage to sleep at night.

At least I have plenty to keep my mind busy... all of this, I think I'm coming down with something...

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Time just pauses for a book doesn't it? I mean, I can't expect you to write for yourself, I left you packed with all my things, hoping we'd move back to Winter Spring, but…

I think we're staying here.

I'm sorry I'd forgotten you book, there is so much I should have told you, recorded down. I Should skim over it I guess.

Dalomere and I are mated now, we were bound under Elune, he wants to have a child, something we've been working on. I admit I'm nervous, not only because I'll be so vulnerable, but because… Well…

Janaelle joined the Watch, she's a great healer, greater than I… I suppose I'm not needed on the front lines as much, there isn't a call for it anymore is there? But the way Dalomere looks when he moves to defend her, talk to her…

We spent time at the Winter Ball that the Sanctum held. Still… why does it nag me, his attentions are waning. He doesn't accompany us to the battle field much, I know little about his Warden's duties, I should ask him. And still. Why do I feel like this?!

I hate it.

I'm a captain, jealousy shouldn't eat at me so much, not towards one of the recruits, people I'm supposed to guide and act as a leader towards. But I find myself sick to my stomach and nervous. There's nothing I can do about it. I can never hope to see myself as Janaelle's superior, I'm fairly certain she would never accept me as such at any rate. My only reprieve as cruel as it is, remains that she is a human, my breath will last beyond hers by thousands of years.

That is rarely enough caution to cause a heart to stay true.

Let's see, what else happened… I talked to Vindliah

Remembered some things… Zurai, Fennore…

Maybe a baby would be good for me, give me other things to think of. I could throw myself into my work more.

I miss Winter Spring and my garden. At least Darnassus is close to everything, maybe I should spend some time with Ciandri and Vidyeh, it would be good to have some friends.

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