Connie Boltzmann

The Heartwrenching Memoirs of Connie Boltzmann, Gnome Revolutionary

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I have spent the last five years among the Big People, learning their ways, attempting to figure out how to make them give us Gnomes the RESPECT we DESERVE.

I learned two main things about the Big People:

1.) They are huge and ugly and racist and boring.

2.) They only respect people who ACT LIKE THEM.

I think that over the past five years I've gotten pretty good at acting like them. I just follow a few simple rules I've made up for myself:

*I must always use my Human name, Connie Boltzmann.

*I must not tinker.

*I must not use exclamation points.

*I must not bounce.

*I must not swing my feet when sitting at a Big Person's table.

*I must not chase butterflies.

If we Gnomes can learn to do these things in the presence of Big People, not only will they give us the RESPECT we DESERVE, but they will give us an important toehold in their society.

And then! Then the day of the Gnome will come! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

(Note to self: I must not laugh maniacally, not even on paper.)

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Of course you can't always rely on your brains to win the RESPECT you DESERVE. I figure the best backup is to have a bunch of Big Friends who can bash in people's faces when they laugh at you.

Even better than Big Friends is Big Slaves, cause they can't look at you funny and say things like "Is that such a good idea?" or "Aren't you overreacting a little?" Instead they'll just bash in the people's faces, and then you get the RESPECT you DESERVE, and you can go on with your day.

So, I'm going to learn how to summon demons.

Of course I can't really parade them around Stormwind, because most people frown on that kind of thing. But I can summon them in dark alleys when I need to, things like that. And when the day of the Gnome comes, I can call down the armies of Hell upon the Big People's heads. Of course it will be a while before I'm good enough to summon the armies of Hell.

Anyway, today I tried to summon my first imp. Imps obviously aren't very big, but you've got to start small and work up. It didn't work too well. I got something, but I don't think he was an imp. He was too tall, for one thing. I snapped a picture of him with my Pic-o-Matic 3400 before I sent him back to the Nether:

Character.jareth.jpg

I think I'll try again tomorrow. Until then I'll just work on my Gnome Supremacy Manifesto.

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I had resolved not to tinker, because I wanted to help eliminate the Big People stereotype that gnomes are good for nothing but tinkering, that we think of nothing but cogs, that our lives are just circuits and wires and robotic chickens.

But it's like a drug.

At first I would tinker in my apartment at night. But I became terrified that my neighbors would hear the clinkings and clankings and the occasional explosions.

I searched the city and found a temporary workshop between two wine barrels.

Tinkerspot.png

But it's damp and I think there's rats down there.

More than anything I long to sneak off to the Dwarven District, or even to Ironforge, where I can find the little places that my own kind have made and tinker in peace. But the Big People could never know. If I am to receive the RESPECT I DESERVE, they have to believe that I have truly adopted their ways!

Because they're huge and ugly and racist and boring.

I think that I will find a disguise, and sneak off at night, and they will NEVER EVER KNOW!!

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Last night, it began!

Up until now I've worked alone, living among the Big People and learning their ways so they'll never suspect when it's time to call down the armies of Hell upon their heads. But yesterday I met a fellow Revolutionary! I won't write her name here, because if this document ever gets intercepted, it must not endanger a fellow gnome.

Due to a severe lack of discretion, we very nearly got killed or captured or both. Because of this I think it's pretty important that we establish a few ground rules for Revolutionary Activity.

1.) We've got to pretend to like the Big People, even though they're stupid and sometimes smell bad.

2.) We must not talk about Revolutionary Activity unless we are in the Revolutionary Safehouse.

3.) We must not talk to anyone about Revolutionary Activity until we know exactly what their opinions on the Gnomish Condition are. This one's especially important, because my new colleague almost got us arrested last night by running up and talking to other Gnomes about our revolution! I'll have to come up with a few Test Questions to see where people's loyalties are, and then a few Persuading Statements to get them to think like us if I"m pretty sure they won't turn us in.

4.) I'm the brains of this operation and everyone has to listen to me.

5.) Above all, we must never, never hurt another Gnome and we must always, always help another Gnome, even if they're not part of the Revolution. Gnomes have got to stick together!

I better go copy this stuff into my Gnome Supremacy Manifesto.

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I...my heart...it hurts.

Not because anyone stabbed me in the heart. I'm pretty lucky that she missed it.

But no. My Partner in Revolution has turned out to be a BLOODCRAZED TRAITOR!! She ignored Ground Rules for Revolutionary Activity numbers four AND five.

We want a BLOODLESS revolution. BLOODLESS. Well, until the Day of the Gnome comes and I call down the Armies of Hell upon their oversized heads.

I'm starting to doubt that though. Now that I've looked into the face of BLOODCRAZED MADNESS and survived.

That's right. She STABBED me. She told me that my temperant, intelligent, political, flawless beautiful methods (with demons) are not true to the Spirit of the Revolution. She told me that we needed to be militant and take our proper place in Gnome History using force. I'm convinced that she intended to overtake Stormwind this very night. SHE ATTACKED A HAPLESS HUMAN RIGHT IN THE OPEN!

Not that I really care, I mean humans are probably better dead anyway, but.

She STABBED me.

Luckily I met another Gnome tonight whose heart seems to be much truer to the spirit of Gnomehood. My new acquaintance, WHOSE NAME I MUST NOT WRITE HERE, rescued me from the BLOODCRAZED TRAITOR. And gave me...something...delicious...

I don't know. It healed me up pretty well.

And we went out to the docks to recover, and spoke of Revolution. All we were missing was a bottle of Gnomish Sprocketale. I guess I lose one ally and gain another.

And she says she's found other Gnomes.

The Day of the Gnome will come.

And it will either be bloodless or involve the Armies of Hell.

I haven't decided yet.

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I can't believe how wrong I have been! I've been trying to think like a human for so long that I've forgotten two important things:

1.) How really really counterrevolutionary that is

2.) How much incredibly insanely better at everything important gnomes are

I have adopted a new revolutionary strategy!

Just the other day I was talking to a fellow Gnome in the streets of Stormwind, even though it is very dangerous for Gnomes to talk in the open there, due to the RAGING PREJUDICE of the Big People. Those who scoff that Humans are nice would be astonished by what happened next! A Human came and started talking to us, PRETENDING to be friendly, and even giving us cupcakes! But my new Gnome friend analyzed the cupcakes' contents with a device similar to my father's famous Chemigizmotron Combobulator, and determined that there was a strange substance in the cupcakes--some variety of herb. Oh, how I admire her Gnomey spirit! For she tasted the cupcake anyway and we observed the results.

The RESULTS were that the herb was a BRAIN-ADDLING AGENT introduced by the Human to DESTROY us. But an addled Gnome brain is at least twenty times more astute than a normal Human brain! We escaped from him and I explained to her that THIS was why Gnomes should head the Alliance! We are better and not devious or racist!

She helped me hatch a new, gnomier plan than my first one. If we could extract and concentrate the chemical which is the Brain-Addling Agent in the herb, we could distribute it to the Humans of Stormwind, incapacitating them! My new colleague and fellow revolutionary (whether she knows it or not) also suggested turning the humans into puppies, because puppies are cute and likable and they would just play with each other all day instead of staging a counter-revolution. We would accomplish this by giving the Humans a "gift" of shiny flying gadgets, distributing both a brain-addling agent and a puppification agent.

The plan is brilliant! I do not know why I didn't see it before--the best Human plans will ALWAYS be beaten by Gnome plans.

FOR GNOMEREGAN!!

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My Gnomish Supremacy Manifesto has been on hold, as have my BRILLIANT PLANS. I've been on a spiritual journey. I've fallen in love, I've had my heart broken, I even got so compassionate one day that I set all my demons free and watched them kill everyone on this little farm and felt really bad about it!

After that I decided I wasn't really so into demons, so I bought this book called 101 Spells for Proving Your Superiority with Light and Shadow. I thought it sounded pretty useful for a gnome patriot like me since I'm even more convinced than ever that Gnomes should be in charge and all the other races should at least be baking us cookies or something.

Maybe sometime soon I'll write about all my life-changing adventures, but for now I'm really tired and I need to demon-proof my door before bed.

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