Siané

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About Siané

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  1. Siané's Diary

    Happiness is an ephemeral, transient thing. It doesn't take much to make it wink out, like a guttering candle snuffed with a pinch, or just an errant breeze. I was lucky to know it for even as little as I did. I knew it and appreciated it dearly at the time, but losing it was still more than I could bear. Yet here I am, writing in my diary. I re-read my old entries today. I find myself envious of my past self, when I awakened on the isle and had no idea who I was or what I'd done. Or of myself right after Xandric helped me get a whole soul again, and it seemed like I could do anything. At some point, I started coming to the realization that that wasn't the case; that some things are inescapable. And it wasn't when Karthok attacked me the first time, or the second. Before that hovered the realization on the horizon. Maybe it was having Jeho. When I found out I was pregnant, I was stunned, and about the thought of having a child, I was ambivalent. I knew, I just knew, that I wasn't mother material. But I didn't fully understand how deeply I would let a child down until Baal'themar. It was then that I began to understand that I couldn't protect myself, and therefore anyone dependent on me. But I didn't truly understand why. I went back to Baal because, I told myself, only I could hope to stop him, to tame him, to gentle him with love. People would get hurt if I didn't. But that ignored the larger truth, which was that I wanted to have to. I wanted to be trapped. I wanted to suffer. It felt like what I was born for. It felt... right. And it always will. The pattern my life has taken, the spiral and its inevitable conclusion, time and time again, has proven that. I've tried to explain, and all people do is tell me I don't have to be that way, or things don't have to be that way; but I know otherwise. Only Xandric was different. He just... accepted it. I don't know if he really understands, but he accepts it. But I can't help but feel guilt, because my urge to seek out suffering will always harm those around me, especially those that care about me. That was the realization that destroyed me, when the first happiness I had was snuffed out, moments before Accalia devoured my soul. For a time, as Siané, I was blessed with a chance to forget that knowledge. But now I know that was only a dream, and one I can't afford to re-indulge, or others will be hurt again. Yet here I am, writing in my diary. I tried to end my life. As before, I was not permitted, by those that cared about me, in their own ways. The irony is not lost on me. What I can do now, I don't know. I try to put on a brave face for Xandric. I try to focus on helping others. But I can never forget. I don't dare take Zakael up on his offer. I can never be Siané again. Here I am. What do I do now?
  2. Siané's Diary

    Things have settled into a routine, kind of. There are four different places that I go between. I spend about half the week with Jeho. She's at Sanctuary's guildhall in Orgrimmar right now so that's where I go. She is growing up so fast. She's trying to crawl but hasn't quite figured it out yet. I read to her and play with her and take her out for walks in the courtyard. Eventually, when Dragonsroost Port is fixed, she'll go back there with the other kids. Pythral has her hands full with all those kids. I see Zak sometimes but he's more often in the field when I'm with Jeho. The next part of my time I spend with Xandric and Twilight Empire. Xandric still has his garrison in Draenor but we go other places sometimes. Otherwise I'm helping with Twilight Empire business. I'm the only ambassador now since Skylah and Mackenzie left, and Katrynne was killed. They're discussing what they want to do with the paths now. I hope there will still be a place for me. I want to be able to do what I can. Xandric is very encouraging but lately he seems to be really stressed out. He seems to think things are just always going to get worse and worse for the world. I told him things would get better. We're holding off the Legion and stopping Elisande and taking the Nighthold. Sanctuary is helping with that. So I know everyone will be okay. I don't like to believe anymore that the future won't be bright. When you don't have hope, you don't have much of anything. I won't lose hope again, no matter what. Then I've been spending a lot of time at Baal's cabin. The people who stay there a lot are Baal, Fayleah, Rhaen, Syreena, and Aruku. They're all good people, even though Fayleah probably thinks I'm kind of pathetic, and Syreena keeps trying to stab me. She was really mad when she found out Kex'ti wasn't dead anymore. He really was dead when I told her he was, but then he came back. I thought she'd be mad so I didn't tell her when he did, but I didn't realize she'd think I deliberately lied. She really hates me and thinks I'm dangerous. If she and Fay ever compared notes on me I think they'd both be really confused. Oh well. I'm not a threat to anyone. Baal knows that. I think. Some people would think I'm crazy for calling Baal and Fayleah good people. Especially after I saw what they're doing in the basement recently. They enjoy hurting people, and that's not good. But both of them don't do it for no reason. They have a strong sense of justice. They feel like when they punish someone who did something evil that they're doing good in the world. if they're not teaching a lesson to the person who did it, they're delivering a warning to those who were thinking about doing it. I understand how they think. Even Syreena isn't really a bad person. She really does think I'm a threat. None of the people at the cabin hurt people they consider friends. And they do have friends. I just can't not have sympathy for someone I understand. Even if they never appreciate it. The last place I go is of course to Sanctuary, to take care of any business they need me to do. Commander Julilee asked me to set up a meeting with Lazarus, and then with Katelle, and then someone from the Night Vanguard asked me to set up a meeting with Commander Julilee. I heard they're negotiating an alliance now. I hope it goes well. I also visit Lazarus' manor occasionally, to help him restore it. There are still a lot of rooms just to get cleared out of debris and dusted and aired out. I haven't gone in awhile. I hope he's not worried about me. I should probably speak to Rhaen tonight. I haven't talked to him since the other night in Silvermoon when i tried to explain to him why it wouldn't work. I really care about him but I don't want what he wants. I'm not sure he even knows what he really wants. I'm just not sure I can say anything to him that he'll hear. He reminds me of Zakael when we were still dating. But Zakael changed a lot. I hope Rhaen doesn't end up disliking me too.
  3. Siané's Diary

    Just when I think I have things figured out, everything changes. It seems like that's always the case. My life can never be simple. I guess I just attract trouble. It's not always because of my past, either, although one thing was. I got attacked by an orc who wanted to know something I knew. He got inside my head and jumbled all my memories up, so I thought I was Vionora again. I went to Tirien for help because I didn't know anyone else who could understand. Tirien is always so good to me. I'm lucky to have him as a friend. He found someone who helped make all my memories right again. It all just seems like a dream now. The orc wanted to know how to read the book. I had always wondered where the book had ended up. I had been a little worried about it for awhile but it seemed like it was nowhere to be found. I guess he found it. I told Commander Julilee who told me to tell Professor Sen'ahri who told me to get Taozhu. I still need to find Taozhu and speak to him. I hope the orc doesn't hurt anyone else. Another thing that happened was that I spoke to Nathandiel. I sent him a letter and he responded, asking to meet. I agreed, as long as it was in a public place, but the first thing he said was that he wanted to speak to me privately. I started to tell him I couldn't but then I changed my mind. If he really wanted to speak to me, he could be the one to take the risk. So I took him to Xandric's garrison. Xandric wasn't there but the guards let me bring in a visitor. It was probably a good thing that Xandric wasn't there. He was kind of mad later. Even though Tirien was helping me then too, following to make sure I would be safe. Nathandiel wanted to talk about Kieran. He wants me to help take care of him when he's old enough to attend school. Of course I agreed. It's still years away, but I'd do anything for little Kieran. Xandric was mad when he found out. He thinks Nathandiel is taking advantage of me. But he can tell I really care about Kieran and can't begrudge me for that. The other thing was that I talked to Baal'themar. I hadn't been intending to. But he... insisted. It made me realize I didn't want to hate him, or even fear him anymore. I know what he is, and I understand him. I don't think many other people could understand. It's hard to explain. But what I told Xandric was that condemning Baal won't help anyone or anything. But if I forgive him, then I can still talk to him, and maybe help. Xandric said that it would be tacit approval of his actions to forgive him. I don't know what to say about that. I don't have it in me to punish anyone, for anything. All I can do is forgive. That's all I can do. So I've started visiting him occasionally. That's where I am now. He's started inviting a bunch of his friends to the cabin. Syreena was one, which is a little concerning. She only stabbed me a little, though. Fayleah I've met before. The other I've met so far is Rhaen. I think he reminds me of someone, but I can't think of who. Syreena decided to throw a party for some reason, so we're having a party now. I hear people coming back, so I guess I'll go see what's going on.
  4. Lazarus S. Graysong

    Siané perks up at mention of Lazarus. "Oh, I know him!" she says. "He bought me at the date auction." She smiles. "He's very amiable. Friendly, wouldn't hurt anyone." She pauses, thinking of something. "I think he's kind of lonely, though," she says, quieter.
  5. Myaka Winterborne [A]

    "She's a good person," Siané says. "She's the kind of person who, kind of, doesn't say a lot, but when she does, you want to listen."
  6. Karthok

    Siané looks alarmed when Karthok is mentioned. She winces and presses hand to the side of her head. "He's... he's scary," she says. "I don't think he cares about... anything."
  7. Katelle Larmont

    "Katelle is really nice," Siané speaks up when the topic of the General is brought up. "Xandric thinks really highly of her and I can see why." She smiles softly.
  8. Baalthemar Dawnsorrow (H)

    Siané hesitates when asked about Baal'themar. She looks down at the ground for a long moment before speaking. "He's not as unpredictable as some people think... He has reasons for doing what he does. I don't... I don't always agree with them. But he doesn't really hurt people for no reason. Only if he thinks they deserve it." She licks her lips nervously. "He can be very dangerous... You should be careful."
  9. Siané's Diary

    Everything went back to normal so quickly. It feels like it was a dream, being there. I’m happy again. Most of the time. Sometimes the fear comes back, even though there’s no reason for it anymore, and I can’t stop it. But most of the time it’s gone. Around Xandric, I feel happy again. I just hope this isn’t the dream. But I try to ignore thoughts like that. I just want to move on. I’m worried about Zakael. He’s really angry. I don’t want him to try anything. I told him I need him, but I don’t think he really heard me. He’s a different person now than when we were dating, but I think he still doesn’t really see me. When I speak, he doesn’t really hear me. He’s not a bad person. Sometimes people just don’t really see another person. They see what they expect to see, or want to see. Everyone does, at least a little bit, but sometimes it’s a lot. It can be really hard to look past what you think you know. Skylah says I can be an Ambassador again. I won’t let her down. I really want to prove to her that I can be helpful, and that I want to be. I’m going to stay out of trouble, and not get anyone mad at me. It shouldn’t be too hard as long as I continue staying home a lot. I haven’t really had much desire to go out anyway. Besides going to see Jeho, or the upcoming Winter Veil celebration, the only thing I’m going to do is go to the Dreamgrove. Xandric says they can help me learn druidic magic there. It’s just as safe as Xandric’s garrison or Dragonsroost Port, so it should be nice. A peaceful change of scenery, and learning more skills to be able to help people with. I don’t know about turning into a cat though.
  10. Character theme songs.

    Siané x Xandric, Siané POV: (Yes, the inside of Siané's head is that cheesy)
  11. Copper Kisses

    Xandric’s garrison is much quieter than Siané remembers since the bulk of Alliance forces moved back to Azeroth to deal with the Legion. The peace, however, has been welcome. The past few weeks have been a time of healing, a time of reorienting herself to a life free from fear and captivity. With her head on more straight than it’s been for a long time, Siané sits at a desk inside the stone keep, two blank pieces of parchment in front of her. Tentatively she takes the pen and starts writing. Dear Baal’themar, I’m sorry for leaving so abruptly. I didn’t know it was going to happen, but I had to do it when the chance came. I’ll talk about that more but first I want you to know that I don’t want to seek any retribution against you or Nathandiel. And I absolutely would never do anything to put Kieran in danger. I love him and would lay my life down for him. So I won’t be encouraging anyone to hurt any of you no matter how mad they are, and won’t help them do so. But I couldn’t stay. She stops there and stares at the letter for awhile, chewing on her lower lip. Eventually she pulls the other piece of parchment closer and starts writing on it. Dear Nathandiel, I’m sorry for leaving without saying goodbye. It happened very suddenly. I know you must be scared and angry. I’m sorry for leaving Kieran. I’ll miss him very much. I hope he doesn’t miss me too much. I meant it when I asked if I could come back to visit, before, but I don’t think I can. I wish I could trust you guys but I know I can’t. You see things differently than I do and have different priorities, and yours put mine in danger. I don’t know if that makes any sense to you, but… know that if nothing else I would never do anything that would put Kieran in danger. You can trust that, no matter what. She stops there and looks at both the letters for another little while. The candle on the desk flickers, a gob of wax slowly running down the side until it hardens. The keep is a little drafty, and she misses Xandric, who is away tonight. She had set herself this task while he is away because she doesn’t want him to see her like this. Slowly, she slides the letter addressed to Baal’themar back in front of her. Her pen hesitates before it begins to write. Baal, I couldn’t stay because I couldn’t trust you. I was always terrified and had to be careful of what I said and did for fear of making you angry or making you think keeping me around wasn’t worth it anymore. I couldn’t help but be honest more often than was wise, though. I kept trying to find some sort of connection. I wanted to understand you, and for you to understand me. But in the end it seemed impossible. The elf puts down the pen to cross her arms and hunch over. It’s not so much the growing chill of the lengthening evening that’s getting to her. For all that she tries to keep hopeful, revisiting the dread she lived with for months is difficult. She sits there, shivering, until she calms down enough to look at the letters, thinking, and finally picks up the pen. She pushes the first letter away and starts writing on the second again. I also meant it when I told you I forgive you, Nathandiel. I was more scared of you at first but eventually I realized you were just like anyone else and just wanted to be loved. You should focus on loving Kieran. You are all he needs. Just give him your love and do the best you can, and he’ll be all right. Siané stops and rubs at her eyes. A deep sadness pulls at her heart as she thinks of Nathandiel and Kieran. Nathandiel had opened up to her, in his own way, and had ended up treating her with something almost like reverence. She wishes she could do more than offer some words on a piece of parchment to try to help him, but knows she can’t. Her eyes move to the other letter. Her relationship with Baal had changed over the duration of her captivity as well, and its lasting effects are far more insidious than simple pity. She takes a deep breath and returns to the first letter before she loses her nerve. But there were things that gave me hope. You went out of your way as much as you could justify to avoid hurting me. You told me about yourself. You told me about your past. You trusted me with Kieran. You told me you just wanted a family. You were always honest with me. You respected my consent. I want to ask you why you did all these things. Why you went through all these motions if that’s all they ever were to you. I want to believe these things mattered to you, and still do. But as long as you act like they don’t, I can’t be near you. Siané shudders and drops the pen. Asserting herself now is harder than it was when she was with him. She always had, and he had never listened; and even though he’s no longer with her, and won’t even be able to respond, it awakens the same feelings of helplessness when she tries to do it now. That it is all in her own mind is somehow worse than anything he did to her body. She starts to cry, but picks up the pen to finish the letter. Please know I’m not angry. I know you don’t understand why what you did hurt me. But I hope you do understand someday. Sincerely, Siané Dawnlight Siané folds up the first letter and sets it aside, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. She returns to the second with a little more peace in her heart. Please give Kieran my love, and tell Mikki I say hello. Sincerely, Siané Dawnlight She stuffs them both inside separate envelopes and tucks them away in her satchel beside the desk. Tomorrow, when she returns to Dragonsroost Port to see Jeho, she’ll put them in the mail. She had been sure to not include any details about Kieran so that he would remain safe. Her hands still as she thinks about the baby boy. She had hoped to help him grow into someone kinder than either of his fathers were. But what could she do now? Siané bows her head, fighting back a sob although there is no one to hear it. All she can do is think of Jeho. Her baby girl whom she’d be seeing again soon. Jeho would be all right. She had Zakael to watch over her. That was one of a few very precious things Siané could cling to, and she does so now as she gets up to extinguish the candles. It was time to move on.
  12. Siané's Diary

    There is nothing written beside this entry. Why? Why? Why?
  13. Siané's Diary

    There is a “120” written next to this entry. Nathandiel is letting us move back into the main house again! I’m so excited. I want to zip through all the rooms like a hyper cat. He says I can start going out again, too. I can’t wait! I’m going to go see Jeho first. I hope Zak isn’t too mad, but I don’t care how much he yells at me as long as I get to hold her. Then I’ll go see Xandric and make sure he’s okay. I know he won’t be mad. I think maybe… maybe he can figure out what’s going on. But he’ll respect my wishes, he always does. I just hope he’s been okay with the Legion invasion. I’ll try to make him feel better about the situation. He can let Katelle know I’m okay. Maybe I’ll give him a message for Skylah too, so she knows I’m not abandoning my duties. Then I should talk to Commander Julilee too. But first, Jeho. I can’t wait to see her.
  14. Siané's Diary

    There is a “111” written next to this entry. Nathandiel took me on a picnic today. We took Kieran with us. Nathandiel has gotten a lot nicer to me since the start of this. He really sees how much I care about Kieran, and I think he realizes I would never do anything to hurt him. I’m glad, and it was really nice to get outside and get fresh air. Nathandiel said again that they would let me go someday, when Kieran doesn’t need me anymore. I used to be scared because I thought they’d probably kill me when they were done with me. I still kind of wonder if they might, but now I’m not so sure. I asked if I could come back and see Kieran at times after they let me go. He seemed surprised. I hope he really can see that there is a way for everyone to be happy.
  15. Siané's Diary

    There is a “105” written next to this entry. It’s been weeks since I wrote, but that was because there was absolutely nothing to say. The days are all the same. Mikki talks a lot. She tries to talk about escaping when Nathandiel isn’t around but I don’t let her. She thinks I’m kind of crazy. She mentioned a place called Stockholm. I’ve never been there.