Catalinetta

Cat's Notebook

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Catalinetta    34

WARNING: CAT'S STUFF - DO NOT READ - DO NOT TOUCH

I've been trying to get back into being normal again, but I don't think that's happening. The Lich King's voice still echoes in my head, telling me to do terrible things all the time. I can't really sleep, so I just lie awake and try to pretend I'm normal. I stare at the ceiling and listen to the voices.

Well, no more of that! I decided to buy this journal so I can write something. I'm not much of a writer, though so I guess I'll just write about what I was thinking before I tried to sleep. So tonight there were two elves in the Sanctuary guildhall; one was really good looking, long black hair. The other was an Illidari, also good looking. The Illidari didn't know that the other elf was flirting with him, which was pretty hilarious. Kreyen saw it, too. I stepped in and said I'd totally watch them polish eachother's sword, which, let's face it, I totally would. Being a death knight is so boring. I'm pretty sure I smell like I'm rotting, even though I use that mint oil, and people will look at me funny forever. I can't blame them, I'm dead! And I don't even get the perks of being Forsaken, like how they apparently can heal some of their wounds. If I get wounded, I am screwed. I've been trying to take care of myself as best I can, but it's difficult. Eventually I'm going to rot and fall apart.

Well that's depressing. I'll try to write about other things, like those two elves. I think their names were Vythemar and Sylarian? Total elf names. Anyway, Sylarian has these big horns. I'm into it, personally, I could see why Vythemar would be too. I could just see the two of them making out, like, one day they come back to Sanctuary and Sylaran is like "Oh but my horns are so heavy!" and Vythemar is like "Perhaps I shall hold them for you" and then they make out. Yes! Total hotness. I'd watch. I could see it as a romance novel; the angry Illidari and the elf guy. I'll have to work on a better title. I could see a scene like this:

Vythemar stroked Sylarian's horns gently, his bright elven eyes gazing into the Illidari's. "Don't be afraid," he whispered into the other male's long ear. "I'll be gentle."
Sylarian grit his teeth in anguish, clearly attracted to the elf though too proud to admit it. "Perhaps I do not wish for you to be gentle," he grunted between clenched teeth. "Perhaps it is I who will destroy you."


TO BE CONTINUED

(I'm pretty good at this!)

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Catalinetta    34

Since being in and out of the Sanctuary hall, I've noticed a few characters. There's a big tauren guy who seems nice, he's usually cooking. A few elves, and some orcs. Not a lot of trolls, surprisingly. Two that stood out to me are an orc lady named Sharka and an orc guy named Gary (I think?), who actually looks less orc-y than she does. Maybe he's mixed or something? I haven't asked. I've seen them together though, and I'm pretty sure they're dating. He's totally got eyes for her, I can tell. I don't blame him, either, Sharka has a body like a brick crap-house. She might be taller than him, which I know some guys are totally into. I'll bet it's an orc thing, for the lady to be stronger. Maybe they fight before they go to bed? Maybe they fight during?? It's probably something like...

Sharka grabbed Gary by the throat and grunted into his face. "I told you, you piece of #*$& that's now how we do things here!"
Gary shrugged. "Well, maybe you should show me? How else am I going to learn?"
The orcess narrowed her eyes at the smaller male and shoved him against the bed, hands gripping his shoulders as she pressed her mouth to his. She tasted of raw meat and ale. Gary felt his hands creep toward her short hair and held on tight. He was in for a rough ride...

Go Gary!

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Catalinetta    34

When was the last time I wrote in this thing?

What a weird weekend. I spent one night talking with a few other death knights. Nothing new on that end, really. One of them was super sassy, one of them is that creepy guy who watched me sleep, and one of them is a freaking vampire. Then I was sent by the Ebon Blade to.. I'd better not write that. I met a few other people in a bar, tonight. A sneak and a demon hunter, both with major Alliance-killing boners. I don't get it, but whatever. I mostly spend all night killing demons, it's not like we're low on them. 

Kreyen told me everything was gonna work out.

 

I mean, I guess it has to, doesn't it? 

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Catalinetta    34

Nothing lasts forever.

I just gotta keep telling myself that. I mean, I'm a death knight. I know I can last basically forever, so long as I'm careful. Everything else, not so much. I know I'll outlive things; buildings, cities, wars, friends. I know that any sort of happiness I get will only last so long, but that doesn't mean I should reject it, should I? I should try and be a little happy while I can. It's just weird, feeling happy for once. Like, am I dreaming? I actually fell asleep, last night. I don't need to sleep, but I did. I guess I felt comfortable enough? Safe enough? It's so weird.

One thing is for sure, though. I need to get this wound taken care of. Like, if it's just me looking at it, I don't care, but a big gaping hole in my chest is probably a distraction. I guess there's only one person I know who knows a thing or two about stitching up the undead. I'm sure he's not gonna be happy with why I'd ask him to do it. Not that I blame him. He did say if I ever wanted to try some experements, he'd help me, and this definitely counts as an experement.

It's probably going to hurt a lot. I'm gonna need all the bravery I can get.

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Catalinetta    34

In a lot of pain, today.

I asked Vales if he could sew up my death wound. He was nice about it, had me come to his lab in the Undercity. It's funny how at ease I feel around him. I guess it's because we're both undead, even if we're two different varieties. Showing him my death wound didn't feel nearly as scary as it did when I showed Kreyen. Vales actually thought it was pretty, which is weird, but also kinda... flattering? Or just weird. Anyway, he sewed me up while I told him what was going on. He railed on me when it came to the "situation", and I couldn't exactly argue against his logic. Like, I know I'm going to get hurt. I know it's impossible to hope for something more. So why even bother? I don't know. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

The thing is, Vales said that this isn't the first time I've done this. He said that the last time it happened, I was so hurt that I made myself forget. That's why I went to Northrend. I wanted to forget. He was actually worried about me, that I'd do it again.

I'm so embarassed. I don't remember everything that happened before I went to Northrend, but I do remember feeling lost. After I died and came back, I tried to be myself, but.. I don't think I had the strength to do it. I remember wanting to die. I remember thinking that if I just went to Northrend, maybe the cold would swallow me. I guess it didn't. I wonder if, when all this comes crashing down on me, am I going to want that again?

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Catalinetta    34

Deathlord.

That's what they called me, after the attack. The attack that could mean the end of our "friendly" relations with the Horde and the Alliance. The Knights of the Ebon Blade are already outsiders. We're barely tolerated, and yet when the Lich King speaks, we listen. When he commands, we follow. Even if it means attacking our own.

How could they do that to us?

I had to cut down blood knights. My own brothers and sisters in arms. The very thing I wanted to be, I had to kill in the name of the Lich King. Lady Liadrin, my hero, the person I looked up to more than anything.. I had to join that fight. I deserved to be burned by the Light. I deserve all of that pain. Once, the Light was like.. this thing I could always depend on. It was my salvation, when my family died. It was all of my hopes and my dreams. Now it burns me, tears me apart from the inside out. The Light didn't just reject me, it tried to erase me.

And for that, they call me Deathlord. Like I'm supposed to be proud of this title, like it's a badge of honor. All for being raised without my consent by the same evil that killed me, only to still serve him, just so I can be with the people I care about. All so I can be tolerated in death, and then we go and attack the people who tolerate us! I don't understand the logic. We never even attempted diplomacy, we just ran in and attacked, as if it were like before. It's no different, just because we can control our actions now. We're still doing what he says. His voice still echoes in our heads.

What's going to happen when everyone has finally had enough of us? What's going to happen when the Knights of the Ebon Blade can't protect us from the Light? They couldn't protect us, last night. The only reason we escaped is because there is no death for the dead. We're damned to keep walking, but that doesn't mean there isn't pain.

Deathlord. That's my reward for betraying my faith. Deathlord.

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Catalinetta    34

It's been a while since I've written in here. So much as happened, it's almost like I didn't want to write it down because I was afraid it might all go away if I did. That doesn't make any sense, but whatever.

After Light's Hope Chapel, I decided I needed to leave the Ebon Blade at any cost. I knew there'd be a price. I started working for the Scryers in the hope that maybe, so long as I was an ally of theirs, they could help me if the Ebon Blade ever came for me. Nothing has happened yet, but I still worry. Working for the Scryers came with a lot of side effects, but I think I made a good friend in Vathelan. Also somehow, magically, I'm not even sure how, got engaged.

That's such a weird story. I mean, I knew that as a death knight, I'm undead. We can't have children, I couldn't be what Kreyen wanted. So I went on some missions for the Scryers. It changed me, I can't say how, in case this journal is ever read by someone, but I'm not the same as I was. It's like I was given another chance? I'm still a death knight, I still feel the urges, the voice of the Lich King when he speaks to us. I still need my runeblade axe, need to feed it blood in order to stay in my right mind. I still need to kill, but, the changes are enough that I feel kind of sort of alive again.

The things that happened to get there though, I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.

Anyway, I'm engaged. We were just sort of fooling around before the Scryer missions. At least that's how it started. He tried to keep me at arms length, but I was stubborn. I figured I'd rather enjoy myself while I could, you know? So we fooled around and eventually he actually said he loved me, and it felt like my whole world blew up. Did he love me the whole time? Even when he left? He says so, but he wasn't ready. I've forgiven him, but sometimes that still hurts. My memories are coming back in bits and pieces. I remember more vividly now the last day I was alive. I remember my last night, grieving. I remember what happened between me and Cerryan.

I can't forget Light's Hope, even if the event itself was a blur. I can't get it out of my head. I wanted to get out of there, and I realize know what a coward I was for not trying harder. They might have killed me, but at least I wouldn't have to live with this guilt. This knowledge of my betrayal. I try to keep it inside, I don't want Kreyen to think I'm nothing but sad all the time. He makes me so happy, but it's difficult to admit to him just how much he saved me. If I didn't think he would be waiting for me, I would have let them kill me. I did those terrible things because I was selfish, and scared of never seeing him again. I know it makes me a monster. I know I have to atone for it all, so I'm here helping Borrowed Time with this mission of theirs.

Some evil bastard hurt them, recently. They're planning an attack, and it's huge. It involves meticulous planning, tanks, all sorts of things. I know it must be serious because Shokkra let me help her plan, and there is so much to account for. I want to do my best for them, to help them, and maybe make up for the terrible things that I did. It's difficult to even sleep, because I know I don't need sleep, necessarily.. I just like it so much. Dividing the days, separating them. My memories of Northrend are undivided, like one long nightmare. The past few weeks have been like a real life, again. What did I do to deserve that?

 

Edited by Catalinetta
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Catalinetta    34

I am working on doing more good deeds! Spent the day in Orgimmar looking up engineers who could craft some more mines for the assault. I met up with Zanas there and I'm pretty sure that guy has like.. the most one track mind of any guy I've ever met. I feel bad having to turn him down every time, but he knows I'm off the table. He told me he'd come with me to do good deeds, though. So long as he's not just saying it to get into my pants, I think that's great. I even talked to him about maybe joining Sanctuary, but he seems to think that the Commander wouldn't like him. He also had some not-so-nice things to say about Borrowed Time, but, they've been pretty nice to me even though I'm a visitor.

Updated the plans, added the prices, updated the map with the mine layout, and gave the report to the boss.

With all this planning, I sometimes forget to go and feed my axe. I haven't taken Rokano's advice about getting a pet yet, but Kreyen says maybe I can get a cat or something after the assault. We'll see if that'll help with the murder urges. Aren't cats basically little murder machines? I guess we'd have that in common. We used to have cats back home to keep the mice away.

Heh. A cat for a Cat. I wonder what I'll name it?

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Catalinetta    34

I had a nightmare. Isn't that weird? I haven't had a nightmare since before I died. Probably because I didn't need to sleep. I guess I still don't, exactly, but it's good to separate the days. The nightmare was weird. I couldn't move, the Scourge was all around me. I didn't have a weapon, and they were going to eat me. I tried calling for help, but my voice didn't work. I just kind of lie there, watching while they came to eat my arms and legs.

Was that a memory? When I was killed, I remember the pain, and falling. Cerryan's face, far away. I don't remember the Scourge coming to eat me, but I guess they didn't because I didn't have any flesh missing when the Lich King brought me back.

I hope I don't have that nightmare again.

I met Kreyen's cousin Sinlanna, too. She was nice, but, pretty set on us having kids soon. I'm still nervous about the idea. I told her we had plenty of time, and she seemed okay with it. She even invited me to dinner! Shit. I just realized, I need to learn how to eat right. Okay, as soon as the siege is over, I've gotta find a tutor. Someone who can teach me how to be a lady. Or at least fake my way through it. Fake it til you make it, right??

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Catalinetta    34

It went all wrong.

The fight was bad. I had to stay inside and guard the spellcasters. I was with Vathelan and Kirital, we were supposed to keep them protected. Lazhio came, and it was just bad all around. Kreyen got hurt when the tower exploded. His leg got blown off. I don't know what to do or what to say to him. Ariavan is dead. The doctor who helped me, who was so nice to me when he didn't need to be, I can't believe he's dead. I tried to find Lora but I don't know where she is, so I came back to the apartment to shower and change and go back to the infirmary where Kreyen is.

But when I got here, there was someone waiting with a delivery. Kreyen didn't wait for after the fight, he sent me a present. She's this tiny white kitten. He said he picked her because she likes cuddles. She's so tiny, and she fell asleep in my arms. I couldn't stop crying, but she just wanted to curl up next to me and sleep. I named her Munchkin.

What do I do? Even if I see Lora, I don't know if she wants to see me. She was gone for so long and I never got the chance to apologize, or even explain about what happened. With the doc gone, she's going to be so sad. What could I possibly say to someone who just lost the person she loves most?

I remember when I thought Kreyen didn't want me. It was the doc who sat beside me and tried to make me feel better. It was the doc who gave me his blood every day, just so I could feel again. He didn't have to do that. He didn't have to do anything. Now he's gone.

Along with Kreyen's leg. I don't know what to say to him, either. I know he's gonna be upset about it, it's gonna take a while before he'll be able to walk again and do all the stuff he's used to doing. I know that's gonna be tough for him, but I don't know how to make any of it better. For now, I guess I just have to be there for him. I just want to help out how I can. Munchkin won't let me go, she's grabbing on to my shoulder. I won't let him go either.

Edited by Catalinetta

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Catalinetta    34

The last few days have been a real test. I don't know what I'm being tested on. Patience? Bravery? I was taken in by the Ebon Blade. I escaped. I got back only to find out that Kreyen left. A nice mage at Borrowed Time helped Megeda and I track him. He's at Light's Hope. Megeda went because I can't, and now it turns out that his memories are gone. He doesn't know who he is, he doesn't know who I am.

I sent him a letter. I don't know if he'll read it, or if he'll believe the things I told him. I guess a lot of it is pretty unbelievable. 

Why would a living person be engaged to a death knight? Even after all the stuff that happened to me, it doesn't change that part. I don't think anything can.

 

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Catalinetta    34

I talked to Vath about what happened in Suramar. He said we'll have to figure something else out. It's not safe for me to be out on my own. What a weird feeling. I'm a death knight, I should be able to defend myself from anything. Except other death knights, I guess. I can't live like this. I mean what am I supposed to do, be afraid forever? I can't do that. Besides, eventually it might get other people hurt too. People who are close to me. I know, not many of those, but I don't want to risk them.

I guess there's only one thing I can do at this point. I'm not sure if it's brave or stupid, but I'll do it. At least then I'll know I tried to do the right thing.

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Catalinetta    34

Well, I did it. I went to see the blood knight emissary. His name is T'suro, and he's actually really nice. I was surprrised he was so nice to me, but I guess I've started to be a little wary of people in general. I'm never really sure what to expect. Anyway, I asked what I could do to atone. He said I needed to throw myself at Cerryan's mercy, because it's my fault that he was hurt at Light's Hope Chapel. It was actually me who scarred him. That I don't remember seeing him is probably even worse. I was so scared, and it all happened so fast, I didn't even realize I'd hurt someone I cared so much about. 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of the outcome. T'suro said that if Cerryan actually tried to take me out that he'd defend me, but that makes me feel even worse. I'm afraid of a lot of things, but mostly I'm afraid that I'll come between friends, that me trying to do the right thing will ruin someone else's life. It seems like I already ruined Cerryan's, and there's nothing I can ever do to fix that. No amount of apologizing can fix the damage I did, and it seems pretty cruel of me to even consider asking his forgiveness.

But I'll do it, because T'suro said it's the only way to attempt to make things right. I spoke to Lora last night, she said I could come visit today. It would be nice if I could see her before I go to Cerryan.

I got another letter from Kreyen. Still no memories, but he'd like to see me when he gets released.

Maybe it's good he doesn't remember me, in case this thing with Cerryan goes south. Maybe it would be better if he never remembers. Maybe this is his chance for a life with someone who won't cause him so much grief.

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Catalinetta    34

Today was eventful.

I started off the day by completely shoving my foot in my mouth when I went to see Lora and the doc. Because I'm a complete moron, I managed to insult them both by apologizing to Lora ten times before I asked about Ariavan. I'm sure my explanation about how death freaks me out didn't exactly help. They offered to talk to Cerryan on my behalf but I told them it would probably be better if I went in alone. Not sure having three people backing me up before I even turn myself in would look sincere. I don't want him to think I'm begging for his forgiveness, I want him to know I'm willing to do what it takes to atone.

I ran into Phyruss after that, and told him about Kreyen. I felt bad because I guess they didn't know. Was I supposed to tell them? Phyruss is really sweet, he keeps insisting we're family even though we're not, really. Our "connection" doesn't remember me. I don't know if he ever will. I'm glad to have a friend like Phyruss, though. He reminds me of me, when I was alive. He managed to give me some hope.

Then I realized I was being an absolute dumbass about it all. I mean, before the big fight, Kreyen and I talked a lot. We talked about what would happen if one of us died. We talked about how we'd stay together, no matter what happened. Now here I am sulking, when he's somewhere on his own with no family and no memories, and I feel sorry for myself? That's not what he would have done. If I were in his place, he'd have already gone over, beat up anyone in his way, and brought me home. Because he'd know that's what I'd want. I'm not gonna try and beat up anyone or anything, but I sure as hell am not gonna just stand aside and leave him there just because I'm afraid.

I get it, now. I've been afraid this whole time. I've been afraid he won't love me anymore, if he can't remember why he loved me in the first place. I've been afraid of seeing him and not seeing him.

Well turning myself in to Cerryan can wait. I have a responsibility. We might not be married, but we made a promise to eachother and I'm not going to ignore it just because he's not well. Kreyen told me he needed me. That's all that matters. 

Edited by Catalinetta

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Catalinetta    34

How is it even possible to get all this sad down at once.

I went with Phyruss to see him. At first I was all excited. He was more or less himself, smiling, happy, optomistic. Then as we talked, I came to realize just how important memories are. Like, I knew it would be stupid to expect him to feel the same way about me as soon as he saw me, but I guess I hoped he would anyway. It's a stupid hope. People don't just instantly fall in love. Not with me, anyway. He's getting better physically, and that's the important thing. Him being healthy and happy was always the important thing. I just wanted to be near him, and I guess I got too attached. Things were going so well. I had all my hopes wound up and they unravelled one after the other. I had everything, and then I lost it.

He says it's probably not permenant, but I'm not sure how much hope I have left. Apparently his cousin, Sinlanna, should be able to help him. I should have known better than to think I could be of any help. I don't have magic mind powers or anything, I'm just a killer. Which makes me think that maybe this is all the universe righting itself. They say what goes around comes around, so maybe this is the Light's way of evening things out? I did something terrible, fought against the Light and its champions. Now the Light has the thing I care about the most. Kinda makes sense now that I think about it. I took something from the Light, the Light took something from me.

In the longrun, I'll bet it will be great for him. He was always good in his own way. I'll bet he'll make a great champion of the Light, maybe even be a great hero. Maybe that's the closest I'll ever get to my dream, seeing it happen to someone I care about. Maybe that's okay.

He asked if I'd stay with them at the Manor. I said yeah, of course. It makes me sad to be around him, but I'd probably feel even worse if I stayed away. It's like before, when we didn't know if we could be together. I promised myself that even if he married someone else, I would still be around, because I care about him and want him to be happy. I still think that's the best thing to do.

I told him I felt like I lost my best friend. Up until then I didn't really think that way, but when I really think about it, he was my best friend. Even without all the extra stuff, he listened to me, he talked to me, he told me everything about his past and I told him everything about mine. I've never been that close to anyone, and now it's gone.

Even if I know which path to take, I still feel lost.

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Catalinetta    34

Visited the guild hall to get another pair of crutches and ran into the commander. Told her about my plan to turn myself in to Cerryan. She was pretty open to the idea, but she seems to think there's a possibility of him going overboard. At this point, I don't know what overboard would be. I told her I was willing to pay for the consequences of my actions, and I am, but I'm also scared. Is it awful that Kreyen not having his memory makes me a little less scared? If he were around, he'd probably tell me not to get carried away.

I feel bad saying it, but I don't think Cerryan will kill me. Not that I think he doesn't want to, I'm sure anyone in his position would, but I don't think he's that kind of person. I know bad experiences change people, but I think he's stronger then that. I don't think he'd let it change him.

Then again, it would be wrong of me to expect leniency. The whole point of this is for me to be sincere about redemption, no matter what kind of judgement he gives.

The more I think about it, the more scared and stressed I feel.

I'm waiting for word from Kreyen's family on when his cousin brings him to their manor. I guess there's nothing for me to do on that end but wait. I was thinking of writing him another letter, but then I figured there was no point. I said everything I wanted to say. He knows how I feel.

I just miss talking to him, I guess.

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Catalinetta    34

A bundle of letters have been stuffed into Cat's notebook. 

 

Quote

Catalinetta,

    I apologize for the time it’s taken for me to write to you.  It has not necessarily been for lack of time, as I’ve had a copious amount of that, but I’ve been unsure exactly what to say.  After a bit of a shove, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just better to respond and say what comes to mind.
    For now, I’m not going to worry about what you are or what you’ve done.  At some point I need to trust myself, and understand that I there were reasons for things I’m simply not privy to at the moment.  I wish that we could talk in person about it all, but at least until I’m allowed to leave or Lady Arath’dorei comes to fetch me it will just have to wait.  For what it’s worth, I wish I was not in what must sound like a worrying situation.
    On my end though, things are progressing pretty quickly.  Whether it’s because of your necklace, the thing in my arm, or the efforts of the healer I’ve been working with, I’m back up on my foot.  I am surrounded by people who, I’m told, I served with in the Second War, as well as my healer’s daughter.  They seem to care, despite whatever gruff exterior the two ladies put forth.
    When I haven’t been receiving healing, I’ve been allowed into the library and I’m fit enough to train.  Baressa was a little surprised about the development, but it has helped a lot to calm my nerves.  Granthas, the old human paladin with whom I’m staying, has been pushing me towards the training, but I’m still not sure what to make of it.  Paladin orders and use of the Light is confusing, so for now at least I’m just going to do what training I’m able to.
    Perhaps once I can get a prosthetic, I can start to make actual decisions for myself and come find you.  For now, know that I’m doing well and getting stronger by the day.  It’s probably a silly sentiment to express to a death knight, but stay safe.  I hope to see you soon.

-Kreyen

 

 

Quote

Cat,

I’m glad actually glad I have someone to talk to, even if it’s only through letters for now.  From your letters, and how close it seems we were prior, I can’t imagine this is the easiest for you.  Hopefully, things start turning around in the near future and we can actually meet.  Hopefully it’s some consolation, but Baressa said that she thinks she should be able to unhinge the seed’s hold on my memories, but that it will take some time.

Nothing much has changed otherwise.  Studying the teachings of the Church of the Light, the Sunwalkers, and how the Vindicators work has not been particularly illuminating, and I’m still at a bit of a loss.  The Light seems pretty inconsistent, and I haven’t been able to pin down what changes things and allows each organization access to its strength.  The questions I have are usually met with rolling eyes or wry looks.(edited)
It seems like most of the questions I have for now just need to wait though, either from a lack of understanding or an inability to speak face to face.  I have plenty of questions for you, like how we met or what brought us close enough for me to ask for your hand.  I’m sure I had good reasons for the latter, but I’m fairly young and it seems a strange decision not to wait and just enjoy our time together.  The ring seems an interesting gift as well, like I was either prone to wandering off or doing dangerous work.  I don’t know what to think of either, but I can wait until we meet to find out.

If either were the case, it would be humorously difficult to manage now.  At least until I’ve a prosthetic that would allow easy movement anyway.  At the moment, I’m thinking at least continuing the physical training is wise.  No matter what, I’m not going to be as mobile and girding myself in plate seems like a safer bet than what I was doing before.  If I can get on my feet, and you don’t mind, maybe you could watch my back until I get fully situated again.

-Kreyen

P.S. I do have a question, or maybe a request.  It’s strange, but when we meet I’d like to be able to know its you.  If you’d rather save a surprise, I would understand, but just knowing a distinguishing detail would be enough.

 

 

Quote

Cat,

It's been a few days, and I wanted to make sure to get in touch before my thoughts escaped me.  I didn't really expect enough how difficult our meeting would be for you.  I feel like I should apologize, but I'm not entirely sure what to do to help you through the process.  Baressa is still figuring out the layout of the magic wrapped around my head, and it is a slow enough process that I don't think it's going to be done quickly.  She still seems confident that we'll be able to recover everything, so it's just the mean time that will be difficult.  Whatever I've said in the past though, I can't imagine I'd want you to be anything but happy.

I'm not sure how to insure that, other than recovering quickly, and that's pretty well out of my hands.  In the mean time my focus is just on trying to make sure that I'm as well equipped as possible to make sure I don't cripple myself further.  I'm still reading a lot and trying to form a better opinion about things, but I think if I can get things right in my head this paladin thing is doable.  Physically I guess I was in pretty good shape before, but Teliere says I need at least another fifteen to twenty pounds of muscle to be able to deal with plate adequately.  It doesn't matter much at the moment, seeing as I can't really walk properly though.(edited)
I can move around with a cane now thanks to the starter prosthetic they gave me, but it's not particularly sophisticated and is actually slower than the crutches.  I've been in the workshops trying to figure out how the engineering works for these things, but I feel like I'm in over my head.  Finding someone who already has the experience, and then augmenting that with enchantments seems like a better idea for now.  At least on that front, I feel like I'm making progress.  Finding the materials can be a pain, but it seems pretty easy to pick up on.  Combining the two disciplines somehow, I hope will put me about where I was before, and then I guess I just need to be more careful.

Anyway, I hope this finds you well and that our first meeting wasn't too distressing.  I'm lucky to have someone who cares so much, and I'm glad some things seem consistent.  Aside from being an ass, I mean.  You looked amazing, so I guess it's all starting to make a little more sense.  Hopefully this business just doesn't take as long as I'm afraid it will.

-Kreyen

 

 

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Cat,

I had to read your letter a few times and think about how to to respond to it properly.  The availability of engineers and the advice about getting ready for the transition towards a different life style was appreciated, but the bits about you were more than a little concerning.

I’m not sure I’m in much of a position to preach or complain given the situation I got myself into, but I think you should take a look at the path you’re putting yourself on.  Beating yourself up about what happened is not going to bring any of those lost back.  It won’t help against the Legion, or anything else that would be productive.  It certainly isn’t going to make you feel any better.

Likewise, whatever your goals are, I cannot imagine that sacrificing yourself as fast as you can to atone would bring you any closer to them.  That’s especially true if any of them involve me, or the person locked up in my head.  Anyone who cares about you is hurt following this path, and there very likely won’t be any you left to feel better about what you’ve done.  I know you’re a death knight, but that only means that you’re deathless.  You’re not immortal.
If you really want to atone, then do so by living the life you would expect of yourself if you were still alive.  Do your good deeds because they’re the right thing to do, not because people or ‘the Light’ will forgive you.  People are fickle, and if the Light cared enough it wouldn’t allow itself to be have been manipulated by the Blood Knights, or wielded at all by the Scarlets.  The only real atonement available is the one you let yourself have.

Maybe I’m off, but I think that means really denying the Lich King’s influence and being the person you wanted to be.  So what if you can’t wield the Light?  Just carrying through on the intent would make you better than most of the people I’ve met here.

I obviously loved  you once.  I would like to have the opportunity to find that again.  So please, if not for your sake, then for mine or that of the other me, just consider this alternative.  I think there’s been enough grief on all sides already.

Yours,
-Kreyen

 

 

Quote

Cat,

I'm glad the letter helped.  I still don't really know you that well, but I don't think I could forgive myself later if I let you waste or throw yourself away without trying to intervene.  It’s not much, but what has helped me get through things now isn't focusing on the labels of progress, but on the ideals I think they represent.  I don't know yet, for instance, that I can even become a paladin.  That would require that I actually be able to wield the Light like they do.

What I can do though, is focus on the ideals of the Silver Hand espouses and make them my own.  Separate from the organization and the varied people that comprise them, I think there's a significant amount of value in them.  They make an instinctive sense with regards to making things as easy as possible for Azeroth to survive, but they require a consistent and even application that isn't readily apparent within the ranks of the organization.  As I've written about before, it obviously isn't important to wielding the Light either, but I don’t think that in any way diminishes their inherent value.

If I can focus my attention on details like that, rather than who I'm working with or where I'm doing it, I can at least be happy with myself and my own progress forward.  That being the case, it's not going to matter if I'm doing work directly for the Silver Hand, or for the mercenary company I'm apparently a part of, or even for the horde or the alliance.  So long as I can do what I think is the right thing, I think I can trust that everything will turn out alright.  At least, alright enough for me to not have regrets about what I’ve done with myself.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you could be as compassionate as you have been with me if it wasn’t just your natural instinct. So don’t put yourself into the ‘box’ of just being a death knight.  There’s a lot more to you than just that, so just take the mistakes you’ve made and use them to harden your resolve and trust yourself and your instincts.  If you have to, in the meantime trust that I have faith in you.

Yours,
Kreyen

P.S.-  This is entirely unrelated, but I’m still a little lost as to how I should handle things with you in person.  Is there...any advice you can give me you think I’d give myself about how to act?  I don’t want to feel weird about things when I get my memories back.
 

 

 

Quote

Cat,

Much as I’d like to be able to pull a line like that on you again, I don’t think it’s fair to you.  You’ve been really sweet to me thus far, and I’m not particularly keen on losing my ability to talk to you frankly by saying something insensitive if we grow intimate.  Based on what you’ve said so far, I’m guessing that I led before all this, but I don’t think I’d be comfortable doing so until I get my head back on straight.

I don’t want to hurt you, and honestly I’m not entirely sure I’d know what I’m doing.  There isn’t exactly a ton of literature on the subject here, and it’s not like I’m practicing or asking anyone for advice about it.  Otherwise, I don’t think you have to worry about pushing me away with affection.  These letters are the only real outside influence I’ve been getting, and I appreciate them more than I can say.  Having someone interested just in me being me is incredibly refreshing.  However you decide to move forward, you won’t lose me as a friend.

The only things I’ll ask are not to expect to knock anything loose, but more generally not to underestimate yourself.  I certainly don’t think I’m any more ‘the best the world has to offer’ than you are, just trust your gut and I’m sure it will point you in the right direction.  Whatever it is you want to be to me, or others, that faith in yourself is the most key.  At the moment it’s all I have for myself, but it at least seems to be working pretty well.
My fiance seems to still be interested in me, and the old friends that I had for the most part still seem to enjoy my company.  It’s easy to be patient with things when everything else seems still to be working the way it should.  And, it’s not like there hasn’t been some progress.  I’m not sure exactly what Baressa has been working on, but it seems like at least some of my muscle memory is returning.  Some of the things that used to take a lot of focus I can do without thinking now.

Between that, and the hope that I’ll get a decent prosthetic once I get out of here I think things are looking up.  Granthas, the paladin I’m staying with, said that he’d dispatch Teliere to train me wherever I wound up being taken care of.  So if I can get my head wrapped around this Light business I can keep training and still spend time with you and the family.  As long as that’s what everyone wants, anyway.  Hopefully this finds you well, and in good spirits.

Yours,
Kreyen

 

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Catalinetta    34

Things have calmed down a little. Sort of.

I went on a mission led by T'suro Sunspear. He's a great Blood Knight, the kind you can look up to. He led me, a demon hunter named Sylarian, and a lady from Suramar named Ilduria. We were looking for a leyline that used to help fuel the shield, but hasn't been working. What we found was just a crap ton of demons, plus a Nightborne guy turned Felborne. Lots of fighting, I got banged up pretty bad, along with my armor. Sylarian got hurt even worse though, he wound up unconscious. T'suro used the Light to purify the leyline, but it took a lot out of him. He looked so much smaller after he did that, I think maybe the Light gives him a lot more than I realized. Makes him braver than I thought was possible. He'll be fine, though.

As soon as I got back, another member of the Ebon Blade came to talk to me, Regdar the Red. I met him at the guild hall, and later on in Dalaran. He wanted me to come back, but he had a lot of good reasons for it. I just can't bring myself to do it, even though I know it would be a lot easier on me. They have the only runeforge I know of, and they know how to help me learn my death knight stuff, but I just can't. Not after Light's Hope, after they made us do those terrible things. I can't trust they won't do that again, and regardless of their reasoning.. and his reasoning, I just can't agree it was the right thing to do.

I live with the Arath'doreis, now. It's weird, being in someone else's house, even if it is big. I didn't exactly grow up rich, so the place makes me feel even weirder. Everyone is nice, though. Sinlanna showed me to the library, and I found some books on rune and unholy magic that might help me figure out this runeforge problem. 

Kreyen seems to be happy. He's getting stronger, but his memories still aren't all there. It's weird, though. Sometimes he says and does things just like he used to. I wonder if maybe those things don't ever go away.

Edited by Catalinetta
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Catalinetta    34

Notes:

My birth father's name is Arcturus Rayfeather. He's married to Kendra Rayfeather, and they have a son named Mardil Rayfeather. 

So I have a half-brother named Mardil. Who the hell is Mardil?? I know of two Rayfeathers; Faelenor, and Aetheril. Neither of their names were in the record book. Faelenor is still injured, so I'm gonna go talk to Aetheril. Maybe he'll know who Mardil is. I wonder how I'm related to those two? Cousins, maybe? I wonder if my birth father is still alive?

If his wife is around, I don't want to cause her any grief. I just kind of want to know what kind of person he was. Not like I'm going to look for anything, he obviously didn't care about my mother so I'm not looking for anything from him. It would be nice to know how I fit in this whole scenario, though. If I have relatives still living, if they even want to know about me. The Rayfeather family was apparently known for being Farstriders. That's neat. Most of the family members were ranking officers, so they look pretty military based. Also neat.

I wonder what they'll think of me? At least Aetheril is also a death knight, even if he doesn't use his runeblade, so we have that in common. Maybe that will be enough.

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Catalinetta    34

Okay! So!

I have two half brothers. Each of us has a different birth mother. Our father was a total piece of shit but he's probably dead now. 

My half-brothers are pretty nice, though! Aetheril is a death knight, but he doesn't use his runeblade. Faelenor is the head of the household but he's still laid up. He's also married with a little girl, and she's adorable! I've never really been around kids all that much, but she liked my hair and she likes donuts so I like her. His wife is also really nice. At one point she started crying, so I took that as my cue to leave.

It was a quick meeting, and we decided to have dinner sometime. They said maybe we should keep it small, like me just bring Kreyen to say hello. I really want to, but he's still not supposed to leave the manor so I'll have to talk to him about it. I don't think his aunt would have a big problem with him having dinner with the Rayfeathers, though. I mean, she knows them pretty well, so it shouldn't be a big deal. Still need to ask what he thinks.

I went to Northrend after I met with them, and I found the runeforge! It took me all day, but I wrote it's location down. All I need now is to bring it somewhere, and get it to work. I have a feeling both of those things will be difficult, but at least I know where it is.

Edited by Catalinetta

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Catalinetta    34

The runeforge is safe. I probably shouldn't write more about it, just in case someone finds this, but it's safe. Aetheril said he'd help me remember stuff about being under the Lich King's control, so I can maybe see how the runeforges were used and activated. Maybe. We'll see, I guess.

If not, I'll have to find someone else to help me. This is getting scary.

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