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Vilmah

Vilmah's Journal - Volume 2

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Okay, let's try this again.

I just bought this book in Orgimmar. Can you believe it? I still have trouble walking through that city, but here I am, walking like any other orc, buying empty journals. I still can't shake the feeling of being followed, but I'm trying. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between active caution and paranoia. Which am I being? Who can even tell, anymore? The Legion is here in disguise. There are still Kor'kron who want me dead. I don't exactly have a death wish, but sometimes I think death is a lot easier than trying to figure out how to live with all this baggage.

No, let's not do that. I'm not going to become one of those sad saps who searches for death. That's not me. Need to keep things in perspective.

Well, here's some good news. I went to Hammerfall, and with Garinth's help, was able to free some spirits. I think I pissed Garinth off, so I owe him one. Unfortunately that little adventure busted the hell out of my arm, which brings me to another weird coincidence; Broxigan is back. What do I even say about that? I thought he was dead. I thought I was over him being dead, but seeing him again really threw me for a loop. Like all the things I tried to forget are coming back with a vengeance. I guess it would be too much for me to ask for this to be easy. At least now I can get my arm fixed.

I'm not going to disappear again, though. With Nojinbu taking my place in the front, I've still got a job to do and that job is doing all the killing for him. If I sound bitter it's because I kind of am. He goes on a spiritual journey to try and rid himself of this anger and discovers he doesn't like killing anymore, okay, that's fine, but someone has to do it or you've just got two people with their backs to the wall. That person has to be me, now, and the fact that I've been enjoying it bothers me. Back before he had no qualms hunting down Kor'kron and killing them one by one, I was coming to terms with how I'd keep myself out of sight, and it involved being hired to do some dirty deeds I am not proud of. Now it seems they're not going to ever end; I'm going to be the one breaking bodies one by one, killing as many as I can, leaving an empire of corpses behind me. It seems like I only live to kill.

I used to stand for peace. What do I even stand for, anymore?

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Well don't I feel stupid.

Brought in Edmund to get patched up and ran into Baern. I don't know him very well, but he seems pretty smart. Gave me a good verbal smack to the face and reminded me that I've got to stop being so self destructive. There's being cautious, and there's being downright crazy. You'd think I'd have learned that lesson by now, but it's difficult. I'm still having a hard time trusting anyone, but I find myself falling into bad habits. Namely, I can't find myself saying no to people I love. My bloodsworn family, the old Sanctuary. They asked me to lead them, but I've got another responsibility to this guild, and that's bringing us all closer together. How am I going to do that when I can hardly put my trust into these new recruits?

I've got to think of a way. Maybe I'll head to Outland, ask the Mag'har for guidance. If anyone will know how to rebuild trust, it's them.

 

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The more things change, the more things stay the same. The fighting, the arguing.. sometimes I wonder why I even bother, but then I remember I', too set in my ways not to. Besides, what else ould I do? I'm just tired of having to deal with everyone's trauma. I know we've all been through the worst the world has to offer. I'm definitely not the first person who's had to deal with being hunted, or who lost someone, and I know it's harder for some to deal with things like that.. but sometimes I just want to smack some sense into them. The world does not revolve around you, I want to say. Leave your problems at the door. We have bigger things to worry about. Stop being selfish.

Then I realize I'm just talking to myself.

I really hate this.

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You know it's been a weird day when Shokkra makes me think about my beliefs. They used to be pretty cut and dry; serve and protect. That much hasn't changed. Neither have my methods; fight your way through. I think what's changed is my willingness to believe that I'm capable of making any huge differences. I used to think that maybe, if I tried hard enough, we could really make some headway. If I just reached out enough, fought enough, represented the Horde in Thrall's image enough, we could show the Alliance who we really are.

Well I did that, and then I realized that it's not who the Horde is. The Horde isn't me. I want to believe that I represent the Horde and it's ideals, but we've changed so much since I led Sanctuary that I'm pretty sure my beliefs don't mesh with everyone else's. I don't even think they ever did. I'm lucky Sanctuary still exists, because with it comes people I can put some trust in, but beyond us? I don't know. All I know is that I'm too set in my ways to be a fatalist, so I'm going to keep trying to do my best and fighting and representing the Horde the way Thrall would have wanted it, but..

Even Thrall isn't around, right now.

Maybe that's this nagging feeling I've been having. I keep thinking I'm forgetting something, like there's something missing. Is it Thrall? Was he the reason I did all of this? Is he the reason I can't find myself feeling okay about it, anymore? It would be wrong of me, and weak of me to allow his absense to dictate my emotional state. I refuse to be weak, but I will openly admit that his actions gutted me. Both figuratively and almost literally. Watching your hero fall apart is like watching your life fall apart. Who do you put your faith in, now? All you have is yourself.

All I have is myself.

And my Bloodsworn, I suppose, though their numbers are small and our relationships complicated. No matter how things change, they seem to always stay the same.

I have everything I need. I have my guild, I have my family, I have my sword and shield. I have a purpose, and a drive. I have the will to see this fight against the Legion through until the end, or until I'm dead.

So what's missing?

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Let's try this again, before someone else comes to see me. 

I haven't written anything in a while. I used to just dump all of my emotions into these journals and in the end I'd feel a little better, but I don't know if it ever solved anything. Lately I think I've been dumping most of those emotions into Garinth, poor guy. He doesn't deserve that, even if he is my shaman. He talked through the Night Vanguard business, the fact that our connection to them makes us a target, and that was important for me to keep in mind when I broke our ties with them. Unfortunately, it goes a lot deeper then that. Because as much as I don't want to put us all at risk, I might consider it if I knew the Vanguard would have our best interests in mind. As it is, I don't think they do, and that's troubling. I don't want to alarm our "in-betweeners", but I think the war is drawing closer to us than we can fight off for much longer.

I've already received a request to the warfront in Arathi. The Horde is attempting to gain a foothold in the north. A strategic move, supposedly, but I don't see the benefit of us being there. That's my head talking. My heart wants me to go for stupid reasons, pride especially. If the Alliance does away with our bases in Arathi, Hammerall will go. I have no good memories of Hammefall, really. Nothing but the day Thrall came and liberated us. My father is dead. There's nothing left for me, so why do I want to protect it? Because my mother is buried there, somewhere? It's just earth. It means nothing, except for some stupid reason it means something. I keep trying to remember something, anything good that might make me want to go back, but even my mother trying to protect me is painful. I'm the reason she died. I suppose going to war over bad memories would be a shit way to show my gratitude.

Still, there's something in me that wants it. That pride. I know there will be fighting, that brutal bloody warfare that we sing about. I refuse to believe there is honor in attempting to conquer someone else's home, but the Trollbanes aren't weak. They would put up a good fight, and there would be shouts and metal and brutality to remember forever. Just thinking about me gets me anxious. I want what I know is the wrong thing. I just have to distract myself with worthy causes and try to ignore the fact that my birthplace is a battlefield. It's difficult. I miss having someone to talk to.

At least the pups are here. They're terrible at cuddling, so I'm teaching them. I hope their new partners appreciate all the work I'm putting into their cuddle training.

Edited by Vilmah
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I've accepted an assignment from Horde High Command. I'm sure that sentence would look confusing to anyone who would read this (and if anyone is reading this, I am going to find you), but the thing is, I actually believe in the mission. Some refugees from Undercity have tried to make a place for themselves in Andorhol. I'm putting a team together to offer assistance, then I'll go and speak to their leader. It seems fairly cut and dry. They're just trying to survive, right? They have the right, and Andorhal was a ruin. Maybe the Forsaken there can actually rebuild. I'm willing to help if it means giving them a place to just be. After what the Warchief did, I can understand why they'd feel a little disillusioned with her. To be honest, I'm surprised more aren't, but that's what sets us apart I guess.

Allycia visited. Apparently she's been interrogated by SI:7? Well there's a shocker.. someone with Horde ties being interrogated by the Alliance. I'm surprised nobody on our side has tried to same thing with one of us. Maybe they're biding their time, but this is exactly why I didn't promote her. I told her this sort of thing could happen. The last thing we need is for her to talk about our plans, even if they have to rip it out of her by force. The less she knows, the safer she is. And us, for that matter.

Baern came to talk to me, too. That was not the best conversation. He kept bringing up Nojinbu, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to talk about it. I mean, I don't want to talk about it. It still hurts. I know he's out there, somewhere. Doing what he needs to do. So am I, and to be honest, it's a relief. At least when he's not around, I know why, now. And for once I feel like I have everything I need, even if it's not how I pictured having it. Things feel right, and even if I feel guilty for admitting it, I'm not going to keep beating myself up for doing what's right for me.

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Looks like we'll be working with Andorhal in the near future. I'm sending the Colonel a few men to start things off, and it's a good feeling knowing that we have just the kind of people we need for this sort of mission. I'm being noticeably vague, just in case. If I ever read this in the future, know, future me, that I did this for a good reason. Besides, I'm sure you can figure out what it is I'm talking about. You're me, after all.

It turns out my father decided to try and communicate with me through my necklace. Lucky for me, I have a shaman to help guide me through this realm of ghosts and anger. My mother never get a proper burial in Hammerfall. He never told me that while I was alive. I shouldn't have assumed they would have treated us with any kind of respect, but, her spirit is still there, and it's a warfront now. Garinth said he'd go and try to find where she might have been buried. Hopefully he'll have better luck than the ones who looked for her before, if they even looked at all.. but he took some of my blood with him, so. We'll see. She's a Frostwolf. This is part of his responsibility as one of our shaman to do right by the clan.

I keep telling myself that, but I want to be there. No wonder I've been chomping at the bit to get to that warfront. My father must have been trying to reach me through my necklace for weeks now, and I had no idea.

Makes me wonder what else he kept from me.

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Thought I'd take some time and visit the cantina tonight. Had an alright time catching up with Tahzani, telling him all about what's happening on Zandalar. I'm not exactly an expert on what's happening, but from what I've seen, I think we can expect big trouble in the future. Killing a loa.. that's something beyond my understanding. If there's one thing Nojinbu taught me, it's to respect the loa, even if you don't understand them. They're powerful, and some might not be in your corner, but there's a certain logic to them so its best to let them be. Gods know I don't have the balls to make an enemy of any loa..

The night was going alright until Cobrak showed up, which kind of soured the conversation we were having about Tul'urak. Apparently Tahz and a friend of his were helping him pay tribute to his loa, which is definitely a good idea considering how much abuse he takes. I hope he's doing well. I haven't heard from him since Alinah blew up at him, and I'm not keen on talking to her about that either. They're both strong willed and at the perfect age for anger and hormones to take over their brains, so really I'm not surprised. I just hope he's okay. Supposedly he left Borrowed Time, so he's on his own now.

I don't know why I'm so worried. Well, sure I do. He's Nomeni's kid, and Nomeni would have wanted him to be safe. I'm just really shitty at looking after people, especially when they're not even a part of Sanctuary. I can't very well make someone accept my advice or accept the fact that I want them to be safe. I'm sure from his perspective, I sound ridiculous. I am ridiculous. Hearing Cobrak call him a coward, and all his blustering about killing humans, I would have given just about anything to be able to give him a good punch in the face. Just. One. But what does that do? Nothing, and I've got to be the cool headed one, and I can't just start fights anymore, so I have to keep my big mouth shut.

I left. Cobrak wanted to go on and on about killing and war and all the bullshit I've been trying to avoid contributing to, and I knew it was just going to upset me. Last thing I need is to let it go to my head. I'm supposed to be the calm one. 

Sometimes I wish I could actually just be the bitch they think I am.

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The Blood War is raging. Garinth is missing. Ridan's mother is dead. Sorathan is dead. Greywind is dead. 

My chest is heavy and I'm having trouble sleeping. There are things you can't stop from happening, but that doesn't mean I don't feel guilt. I have a duty to serve these people, and I'm failing them. I have tried being conservative with our limited resources, but there are dissenting voices that crave war and revenge. I can't blame them. I want more than anything to find Garinth, and whoever killed Greywind, and tear them apart until my fingers are bloody and I don't feel this guilt anymore. I know that isn't possible, so I have to be patient and wait. Nika is still in Andorhal, and the Alliance wants to march. Soon I might need to bring the few volunteers I have and stand at the front lines. Maybe it will all end there, in glorious battle. A soldier's death, defending my people. It's all I could ever hope for, it's all I should want.

I feel selfish for wanting more. Selfish and wrong. At least if I die in battle, I die with honor. Honor is getting so rare these days, it's like trying to keep hold of a slippery fish. Or a slippery shark. I'm chomping at the bit to get back at those bastards who plagued us and killed Ridan's mother, but it's a wildly irresponsible desire. I have Kenton to worry about, now. With a worgen at my heels, I'm practically swimming in wolves. Kenton is kind and thoughtful, but I wonder how much of that is the spell he's under. When you have someone who's been programmed to serve you, it's difficult to tell where the sincerity is. 

It's so lonely. I have to go through Garinth's journal to find some kind of clue as to his whereabouts and I hate that. I hate that I need to breach his privacy, but I know it's the right thing to do. Greywind's saddle is sitting alone in his room and Razor Hill feels empty. I have to remind myself to eat and sleep, or the headaches chase me down and force my hand. I can't let that happen. So much to do.

I hear the embassy is ready. I'll have an office there, a place to work where I can help people away from the war.

Is it wrong that I want to stay here instead?

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Had a nice talk with Gun. He seems pretty happy, he was visiting his family and introducing them to his new girlfriend just before we spoke. I feel a little guilty about throwing my troubles at him, considering how well he's been doing. He's always been good to me, I'm not sure it's been very even. Right now he's just about the only person I feel like I can be honest with, and even then, I can't really tell him everything now can I?

To think, I felt isolated when I was in exile. I thought it was because I was in exile that I felt that way. Now I wonder if maybe it had nothing to do with me being exiled at all. Maybe I'm just meant to be the lonely type? Frostwolves are supposed to be like pack animals, but I'm not exactly feeling that way lately. I'm not sure what changed about me. I used to have a lot of friends. Now I find it hard to talk to people, especially about anything too personal. I just let it build up instead. Is that what I'm supposed to do? Just keep all of it inside? I should be meditating. I've been trying to, but every time it seems like my inner voice just wants to scream at me. I can't really blame her, I want to scream too.

I want to scream.

I want to be angry.

But what do I have to be angry at? Sylvannas? The void? The Night Vanguard? Myself? I don't have any one person to blame for all the things I'm feeling, just a big soup of shit I have to keep eating. It used to be that being alone was a choice I made, to keep myself from getting too attached. What was I thinking? It wasn't a choice. It never was. 

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