Skylah Mac

On Broken Wings - Diary of Skylah Mackinzie

9 posts in this topic

A white dove. A symbol of peace and love, and a messenger of their community. Long have I been seen as the Dove within our household, but I doubt such a pristine bird has ever felt so unclean. I cannot change the recent past, and now I must find a path to walk with my new perception of the world.

This journal is my first step. I fear voicing some of my thoughts might be unwise, as well some things I cannot find the courage to say. I will write them here instead, and hope that whatever is written will ultimately bring peace of mind. So, how to begin? Recovery, as good a beginning as any. Recovery is frustratingly slow, though I know I cannot push my body to be what it once was in such a short time. I'm lucky to have Brianna and Violet as family. They have taken such tremendous care of me. I am happy they seem content with my wishes to confine myself mostly to my room. A weeks time cannot erase the events of the past month and I feel safe here.

I must admit that though I do not need the support of others, I am exceptionally disappointed with the lack of concern shown given my situation. Tuuroto and the Caravan have been the only ones to send a message inquiring of my health and well being. The magic within the card did bring a much needed smile to my face. I do hope he got my return letter and believes my words. I would hate for him to think any of this was his fault. But to the rant at hand, I find myself in disbelief that this “family” I am allegedly a part of has not so much as inquired about me. Apparently they were all to eager to fight for my rescue, though most of me believes it was simply the want for a battle that spurred them. I've seen to a few of these people as a healer, their wounds dire enough that without help they would not have survived, and this is all I get? Trigger-finger Shaelie showed more compassion by her want to kill me rather than see me tortured.

Light damn them all. I have those that I need most. Brianna, Bethany, Violet...Vaelyth. I have not seen Vael since my return and I fear that she will not reappear. I am hopeful that she will, at least as my friend. I have my girls, my ladies, and that is all that I need in this life. Empire...I see my true worth to them now. We'll see how events unfold once I am ready to leave our estate.

But the thought of leaving still terrifies me. I was kidnapped from a group of allies amidst an alliance encampment. Not exactly a confidence boost. I fear the looks others will give as well. Looks of pity, anger, disgust...who knows what else. They'll probably wonder if I was worth the effort, if they should have just let them hang me and be done with it all. Being held within that noose for a day and night, I am surprised my body endured long enough for there to even be a rescue. I swear had a moment more passed my legs would have gave out and that would have been the end of my short life's story.

Amazing the things our minds will create in some of our most dire moments. Isabella, she seemed so real. I wanted so badly to go and play with her. I miss her so much these days. It has been 15 years since we lost her, but ever since that vision I can't get her out of my head. She just wanted her sister to keep her company, and I was closer to succumbing to her wishes than I will let anyone know, even Brianna. My confidence was one thing that never seemed to waiver, my belief in myself and my abilities unrivaled. But in this instance my spirit broke. Pinned to the wall and hanging from that hook, watching my life force pool at my feet, I longed for it to end. I longed to run hand in hand with Izzy, to be the sister I should have been in the short time she was with us. I know it was a conjuring of my own mind, but I still hope she understands that I couldn't leave Brianna.

Brianna, I fear for her as details of what happened to me are brought to light. She is smart and strong, but the allure of the shadow and its destructive nature might be to much to resist. She has always had more abilities and understanding of the shadow than I have or ever will, but when I see her struggle with emotions and the demons of this life, I worry. I don't want to lose my loving sister to the shadow, or for something to happen to her in the pursuit of vengeance. I will try to be the beacon of light that I always have been for her, but I truthfully do not know if I am able. Will I be the cause of her succumbing to the shadow? If I can't be who I once was, what will become of us? Another worry to add to the growing list. Rest, I need rest. I will just have to see what tomorrow brings. One foot at a time, Skylah.

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Let me try this for the fourth fucking time and hope that I do not tear this page out like the rest. This second week of rescue has conatined its share of ups and downs. A visit from Marrus, the prisoner transfer, and an unexpected visit from a Keeper thought lost. I have regained much of my strength, but time is still needed.

So, Marrus, Edwin...whatever he wishes to be called. I am not sure if I should feel gratitude or anger towards him. True that he delivered Syreena to us, but what peace I had hoped to gain from speaking with her was shattered by whatever tricks he played with her memory. The simple question of why I was taken could not even be answered. It angered me at first, thinking the bitch was choosing to play games with me. But then I grew infuriated knowing that no matter what I did to her, she could not give me what I wanted. I hope he is happy with the shard of her that now resides in him, because Light help me I am not. Again to my debate of whether to be grateful, or angry. I would love to punch him in the nose for not warning me of what he had fully done. Maybe I still can, just follow it up with a thank you? I would appear mad, but is that really a bad thing at this point?

As if it truly even matters. Nothing can change the fact that Tinox showed up to take what was mine. Perhaps another topic to talk to Marrus about, the art of keeping a secret. Or maybe he didn't want me to go through with killing her, I don't know. That damned Gnome showing up at MY house and making claims as to what is right and wrong. No one seems to care about me in the least, but every fucking body wants to be assured that Syreena was treated with the utmost care! Between the letters from Sanctuary and Tinox's intervention, I don't know what makes me more sick. Atleast I was able to vent some frustrations before I was removed from her cell. I question why I didn't call upon the Light right then and there and end her, but it felt so good to punch her in the face repeatedly. But that moment with my hand around her throat, the holy energy coarsing through me and searing her as I peered into her eyes...the memory is my favorite lullaby.

And to make everything just so much better, Katrynne tells me that a small band of Horde freed her from the Stockades the very same day she was put there! I hope those that determined it was best to take her from me feel like absolute shit. And come on, Kat is the only one that cares enough to even want to come see me? Two weeks now and nothing. No members, no officers, nothing except for a Keeper who was missing for a year. At least she seems sincere in the words she speaks to me. I am still hesitant and unsure if she has been sent on behalf of the General. Does Katelle wish to have an informant within the walls of my estate? No, I don't believe that...I can't after what Kat and I have discussed. I will contact her soon to go over further details. May she be the one blessing that comes from all of this.

On the bright side, Brianna's sleeping potions have done amazing work in ending my nightmares. I can finally sleep through the night and wake up refreshed. Often I find myself simply drinking them so that I might sleep the days away without a care. I haven't noticed anything negative resulting from overuse, I pray that it remains that way. In fact that sounds like a great idea for right now. May I wake tomorrow when it is time to meet with the Caravan. At least they have not been shy about inquiring on my behalf.

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I had my suspicions and they proved correct. The revelation that Kex'ti spearheaded the freeing of a murderer came as no real surprise. Julilee's unwillingness to fully punish the culprit told of someone close to her. Who closer than her lover? It's obvious what trumps being just, I suppose.

His sob story has done nothing to curb the way I view him. His supposed regret for his actions appeared more of a diplomatic apology and not sincere in the least. Had he freed Syreena from Eternal Aegis, maybe I could have understood, but he rescued her from the Stockades. A place that would have treated her more fairly and tried her for the crimes committed. No, his sorrow for his actions will find no welcome reception here.

Fuck him and his judgemental attitude. I grow tired of him and everyone else thinking that Syreena had it so bad. So Marrus played in her mind, he should have done more. That whore Lilliana was in my head having herself a grand time. And she let that brute in the cell with me. There are means to lose a piece of oneself other than magic, but no, we should all hold hands and coddle a murderer. Their ignorance astounds me.

He spoke of Tesonii as family I believe. She was there in that cell with me, whether she did anything to harm me or not, she sure didn't help either! I have little remorse for any that align themselves with the Grim. Their Commander made it quite clear the only peace they want is a world drenched in alliance blood. Well then, I will try as I can to wade in theirs first.

Perhaps my vengeance has clouded my judgement, but at this point I do not care. News of the Grim attacking the Caravan was assurance enough. The Grim must be laid to rest. Hopefully the information supplied by the Caravan will help us in that pursuit. Katrynne has been a busy woman but I am sure she would appreciate the heads up. It now appears to be a race. We'll see who obtains "peace" first.

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Well then, I will try as I can to wade in theirs first.


((I like that. And thanks for the Lilly hate, it makes my heart happy! :) ))

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The path we now walk has proved to be one filled with ups and downs. From rescending the order to hunt Kex'ti to the inclusion of Tayissa in some of our plans. How far I can trust anyone that isn't Brianna I am unsure, but I know that we cannot accomplish everything on our own.

It was disappointing to hear of Katrynne's objections when it comes to Kex'ti. Worse yet, she chose to speak with Rorrek and not me. I had thought we closer than that. Oh well, I will keep my word and send no attempts on the Elf's life, though I do still need to focus my thoughts on what I might bring to the authorities. The bastard still committed a crime. One cannot simply free a guilty party from prison and face absolutely no consequences. The anniversary duels offered a small amount of elation with his defeat. Katrynne fought well and I would have loved to have seen her emerge the victor, but Rorrek's domination will suffice.

Katrynne still regales me with stories of Grim she has fought and slain, even bringing me gifts here and there. I know not what I wish to do with this lock of red hair, but just looking at it brings a smile to my face knowing that the troll bitch had been beaten. It is true that she escaped and is still out there, but so is Katrynne. Her time will come soon enough.

I grow weary writing about those that brought harm to me. I would drink one of my slumberbloom potions, but I am trying to heed Brianna's advice. Addicting little things since they silence the nightmares. I know that Bri is right and I should lower my usage, but it is much easier to move on when I could silence the memories whenever I wished. If I am unable to cope I may have to seek an external supplier. No, I shouldn't. I used to be so much stronger than this. I sometimes wonder if I will ever fully recover.

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I am supposed to better, fully healed, or at least that is what everyone seems to think. They see me with this crafted prosthetic and assume that all must be well again. After all, I have two hands again, what more could be wrong? A question I am sure the simple minded ask amongst themselves. Most will never be faced with what I had to endure. The roller coaster of trying to retain your will and wanting to die, praying for it even.

Brianna knows that I am not, no matter how much she wishes it. I want to give her the sister she loved back, I just don't know if I can. I rest, I medicate, I put on the face that I am supposed to for the Empire, but inside a dark storm remains. The only relief I feel from this inner torment are the reports Katrynne and Tayissa bring. Unfortunately those have nearly screeched to a halt. Tayissa's informant failed us, and the Grim grow harder to find according to Katrynne. Perhaps the only way to quiet this storm is to get my hands dirty myself. Filora, I have daydreamed about wrapping this crafted hand around her throat many times, alongside many other horrific acts. In fact I dreamed of her just last night. I was particularly fond of this one. I remembered how she loved to talk, and was so sure of herself, so while she was restrained, I cut out her tongue and covered her nose and mouth; leaving her to choke and drown in her own blood. A terrible act I admit, but there was a peace that followed, and I find that very alluring. Brianna has opted to join the hunt, and having seen the faces of my captors personally, with her help, there may be a day this dream comes to pass.

Oh a lighter note, this new hand has proven quite amazing. The gnome who crafted it was so eccentric and confident, that I couldn't help but question his abilities. I no longer do, and truthfully I should send Master Steelcrank additional payment for his services. Who knows what else he is capable of creating. I've heeded his warning to take care of the synthetic skin surrounding it, mostly by wearing gloves at all times. Thankfully the time it took to train my right hand has left me a bit ambidextrous, so when my anger flares, it is more instinctive to hit something with my real hand. Less costly to heal than repair after all. And healing it needed during the week it took this prosthetic to reach full functionality. I am not nearly as patient as I like to think, and waiting for the nerve endings to adjust was almost a torture in itself.

I suppose I should return to my work. Saving the world takes time after all. Whether it be by negotiation, or extermination, peace is possible.

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Hello journal my old friend. Amazingly it has been quite some time since I have picked up my pen to write. Not that there has been a shortage to complain about or anything, but I simply lose track of time with ease. So here I sit, spending what time I have to spare with you. At least I fetched a small meal before sitting down.

Where shall I begin? Ah yes. I still find myself unreasonably pissed off that my pleas fell on deaf ears during the skirmish in Duskwood. There was a brief time in which we held members of the Grim in our possession. Unknown, no name savages. I suggested that they be killed on the spot repeatedly, to no response of course. Technically no one spoke against me, but I cannot have my hands dirtied in such a public scenario. I stood face to face with one of them, wanting nothing more than to sink a dagger straight into his eye. Controlling myself is a true pain in the ass! I will have to find some method to rid myself of the anger I feel, because expecting anything else from my Empire family, barring a few, would be for naught.

Speaking of unreal expectations, I find it disturbing how willing people are in giving their blood for this dreadlord testing. Sure I can understand the want to rule out any possibility that a dreadlord is among us, but why send our blood elsewhere? This land is filled to the brim with malicious magic. so the very idea of giving another my thanks. Especially when the testing device is simply a weapon. Would it not be wiser to meet and be tested? Even if that is the more difficult route, eliminating the chance of harm seems worth it to me! Apparently the Captain did not wish to heed our warning, or did not fully understand the potential for wrong doing. We will need to speak with her soon. It appears too often of late that she is finding herself in trouble. Eating the mysterious chocolates, captured by this Mr. White, and now giving her blood away. We'll not make the same mistake with Katrynne. I was pleased to hear of her hesitance given the mandate, and quickly took the opportunity to provide her an alternative. Brianna and I will provide a blood sample alright, but most certainly one not taken from Katrynne. I confess this undertaking delights me, perhaps because it is Sanctuary that claims ownership over the weapon.

Thinking of Katrynne has reminded me of the progress she has made with Eternal Aegis and the Caravan. I do hope she is able to bring about this meeting soon, as I grow anxious the more time passes. I know not exactly what will come of it, but I feel our ties will grow stronger, though a personal dilemma is presented. Do I speak for peace and how it is achieved as myself, or as the face of the Empire? Our views do not align quite as they used to. I feel the Aegis would be more receptive for how I feel, but the Caravan is more in line with the Empire's wants. A worry for another time I suppose, as I must return to the kitchen and retrieve more of these delicious strawberries. With the addition of chocolate this time. Oh, and maybe some whipped cream. It is a great thing that Bethany loves me with an extra pound...or two.

Good night, friend.

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I want them all dead. A slow, methodical, painful death. And I want it to be by my hand! Try as I might to concentrate on work, on peace, my mind cannot let go. My capture, skirmishes in Duskwood, the poisonings...I am sure there are countless other atrocities. And I am here left to daydream as others wander off to do my bidding.

I try to be like the others, honorable even while taking anothers life. But all I envision is to have them strapped to a table before me. I use they in a broad sense, but lately it has been Syreena that haunts my dreams. A forsaken plague takes the life of a Matron, and I cannot shake the suspicion that she is somehow responsible. Were she chained before me once more, oh I delight in the thought. Like Bethany's touch endlessly amplified. The enticement beckons me to action, though I sit here, doing nothing. I wonder how many Light blessed objects I might stab through her before her rotting body welcomes death? A worthy question. Hopefully she is stronger than she looks.

Alas, these thoughts are but hopes and dreams. I still feel odd proclaiming them as such. A time not long ago I would have wished for simple things: a lavish bed, a warm meal, Bethany at my side, and an end to conflict. It is amazing the change that can overcome us when we endure something horrific. Even this journal becomes repetitive and I am helpless to change it. I am less forgiving and quick to judge, often to the harshest degree. Sometimes I wonder if this life is worth living. I battle the urge to end it all almost daily. To be rid of the world's ugliness, to be done with the pain and sorrow, it is so very tempting. But Brianna and Bethany keep me here. If I cannot live for myself, I will live for them. Light, it gets hard though.

I need to find outlets for my anger. Tonight is the Stewards meeting, perhaps I will swing by the Cathedral and do a little venting afterwards. Actually, I like that idea. Priest's beware, I'll be there soon.

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It is often too easy to forget how therapeutic simply writing ones thoughts or frustrations can be. Perhaps if I had forced myself I would find myself happier than I have been. I say this, but what can truly be expected of me in times like these? I am to be the face of peace and speak to others on the topic and it feels almost hypocritical. Of course peace would be nice, but I feel it will take more force than is wanted by the Empire. Hopefully things will finally change after the cowardly attacks orchestrated by this...I forget their name. Something something coalition. Ah whatever, they could be the cuddly bear society for all I care.

I know my distance has been increasingly evident. Surely Katrynne has uncertainties about remaining an Ambassador and here I am allowing Siane to rejoin. I'll need to make a decision and soon. I've let my displeasure be known time and again about the activity of our officers, and now I have fallen to such a level. So what do I do? I know not when I will find the time to be the Chancellor I should be. Lines of communication I have helped create with other organizations have fallen silent. We have taken to scheduling community events again, but said gatherings appear less festive with the ever looming demon threat. Not to mention that woman keeps showing up to every event. Aneerys from Stormwind, I've no doubt we will speak soon enough. Ah well, I do not wish to dwell on this any longer. Not tonight.

I wish I knew of a tonic that allowed me to survive with no sleep. There are always injured to doctor. I drink what reinvigorate potions I can to try and perform at my best, but there is always a crash. A couple hours of rest a night seems too much so long as one patient hurts. Brianna will soon likely notice where all of those potions have gone, if she hasn't already. If she has, at least she has not yet made me promise to quit abusing them as I have. 

I believe what truly nags at me this evening is that while running the infirmary, I am taken away from all manner of fighting. I have not experienced it often, but I do find myself drawn towards the call of battle. Even after the disaster that was our initial assault upon the broken shore. There remains this sort of euphoria when you are thrust into the middle of a battle, and every decision, and every second, counts as if it is your last. The constant rush as Light flows from my body, healing or maiming at my command. My skin tingles as if unseen needles are gently poking me from head to toe. It is no wonder that when the heat of battle has gone I wish for nothing more than Bethany's embrace. No matter how fatigued, that is some of the best sex I have ever experienced. Fel I'd enter the underbelly in search of a fight this evening if I could...actually, what is stopping me? It is decided then. There will be no sleep this evening.

Edited by Skylah Mac
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