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Siané's Diary

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Everything went back to normal so quickly. It feels like it was a dream, being there. I’m happy again. Most of the time. Sometimes the fear comes back, even though there’s no reason for it anymore, and I can’t stop it. But most of the time it’s gone. Around Xandric, I feel happy again. I just hope this isn’t the dream. But I try to ignore thoughts like that. I just want to move on.

I’m worried about Zakael. He’s really angry. I don’t want him to try anything. I told him I need him, but I don’t think he really heard me. He’s a different person now than when we were dating, but I think he still doesn’t really see me. When I speak, he doesn’t really hear me. He’s not a bad person. Sometimes people just don’t really see another person. They see what they expect to see, or want to see. Everyone does, at least a little bit, but sometimes it’s a lot. It can be really hard to look past what you think you know.

Skylah says I can be an Ambassador again. I won’t let her down. I really want to prove to her that I can be helpful, and that I want to be. I’m going to stay out of trouble, and not get anyone mad at me. It shouldn’t be too hard as long as I continue staying home a lot. I haven’t really had much desire to go out anyway. Besides going to see Jeho, or the upcoming Winter Veil celebration, the only thing I’m going to do is go to the Dreamgrove. Xandric says they can help me learn druidic magic there. It’s just as safe as Xandric’s garrison or Dragonsroost Port, so it should be nice. A peaceful change of scenery, and learning more skills to be able to help people with.

I don’t know about turning into a cat though.

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Just when I think I have things figured out, everything changes. It seems like that's always the case. My life can never be simple. I guess I just attract trouble. It's not always because of my past, either, although one thing was.

I got attacked by an orc who wanted to know something I knew. He got inside my head and jumbled all my memories up, so I thought I was Vionora again. I went to Tirien for help because I didn't know anyone else who could understand. Tirien is always so good to me. I'm lucky to have him as a friend. He found someone who helped make all my memories right again. It all just seems like a dream now.

The orc wanted to know how to read the book. I had always wondered where the book had ended up. I had been a little worried about it for awhile but it seemed like it was nowhere to be found. I guess he found it. I told Commander Julilee who told me to tell Professor Sen'ahri who told me to get Taozhu. I still need to find Taozhu and speak to him. I hope the orc doesn't hurt anyone else.

Another thing that happened was that I spoke to Nathandiel. I sent him a letter and he responded, asking to meet. I agreed, as long as it was in a public place, but the first thing he said was that he wanted to speak to me privately. I started to tell him I couldn't but then I changed my mind. If he really wanted to speak to me, he could be the one to take the risk. So I took him to Xandric's garrison. Xandric wasn't there but the guards let me bring in a visitor. It was probably a good thing that Xandric wasn't there. He was kind of mad later. Even though Tirien was helping me then too, following to make sure I would be safe.

Nathandiel wanted to talk about Kieran. He wants me to help take care of him when he's old enough to attend school. Of course I agreed. It's still years away, but I'd do anything for little Kieran. Xandric was mad when he found out. He thinks Nathandiel is taking advantage of me. But he can tell I really care about Kieran and can't begrudge me for that.

The other thing was that I talked to Baal'themar. I hadn't been intending to. But he... insisted. It made me realize I didn't want to hate him, or even fear him anymore. I know what he is, and I understand him. I don't think many other people could understand. It's hard to explain. But what I told Xandric was that condemning Baal won't help anyone or anything. But if I forgive him, then I can still talk to him, and maybe help. Xandric said that it would be tacit approval of his actions to forgive him. I don't know what to say about that. I don't have it in me to punish anyone, for anything. All I can do is forgive. That's all I can do.

So I've started visiting him occasionally. That's where I am now. He's started inviting a bunch of his friends to the cabin. Syreena was one, which is a little concerning. She only stabbed me a little, though. Fayleah I've met before. The other I've met so far is Rhaen. I think he reminds me of someone, but I can't think of who. Syreena decided to throw a party for some reason, so we're having a party now. I hear people coming back, so I guess I'll go see what's going on.

Edited by Siané

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Things have settled into a routine, kind of. There are four different places that I go between. I spend about half the week with Jeho. She's at Sanctuary's guildhall in Orgrimmar right now so that's where I go. She is growing up so fast. She's trying to crawl but hasn't quite figured it out yet. I read to her and play with her and take her out for walks in the courtyard. Eventually, when Dragonsroost Port is fixed, she'll go back there with the other kids. Pythral has her hands full with all those kids. I see Zak sometimes but he's more often in the field when I'm with Jeho.

The next part of my time I spend with Xandric and Twilight Empire. Xandric still has his garrison in Draenor but we go other places sometimes. Otherwise I'm helping with Twilight Empire business. I'm the only ambassador now since Skylah and Mackenzie left, and Katrynne was killed. They're discussing what they want to do with the paths now. I hope there will still be a place for me. I want to be able to do what I can. Xandric is very encouraging but lately he seems to be really stressed out. He seems to think things are just always going to get worse and worse for the world. I told him things would get better. We're holding off the Legion and  stopping Elisande and taking the Nighthold. Sanctuary is helping with that. So I know everyone will be okay. I don't like to believe anymore that the future won't be bright. When you don't have hope, you don't have much of anything. I won't lose hope again, no matter what.

Then I've been spending a lot of time at Baal's cabin. The people who stay there a lot are Baal, Fayleah, Rhaen, Syreena, and Aruku. They're all good people, even though Fayleah probably thinks I'm kind of pathetic, and Syreena keeps trying to stab me. She was really mad when she found out Kex'ti wasn't dead anymore. He really was dead when I told her he was, but then he came back. I thought she'd be mad so I didn't tell her when he did, but I didn't realize she'd think I deliberately lied. She really hates me and thinks I'm dangerous. If she and Fay ever compared notes on me I think they'd both be really confused. Oh well. I'm not a threat to anyone. Baal knows that. I think.

Some people would think I'm crazy for calling Baal and Fayleah good people. Especially after I saw what they're doing in the basement recently. They enjoy hurting people, and that's not good. But both of them don't do it for no reason. They have a strong sense of justice. They feel like when they punish someone who did something evil that they're doing good in the world. if they're not teaching a lesson to the person who did it, they're delivering a warning to those who were thinking about doing it. I understand how they think. Even Syreena isn't really a bad person. She really does think I'm a threat. None of the people at the cabin hurt people they consider friends. And they do have friends. I just can't not have sympathy for someone I understand. Even if they never appreciate it.

The last place I go is of course to Sanctuary, to take care of any business they need me to do. Commander Julilee asked me to set up a meeting with Lazarus, and then with Katelle, and then someone from the Night Vanguard asked me to set up a meeting with Commander Julilee. I heard they're negotiating an alliance now. I hope it goes well.

I also visit Lazarus' manor occasionally, to help him restore it. There are still a lot of rooms just to get cleared out of debris and dusted and aired out. I haven't gone in awhile. I hope he's not worried about me.

I should probably speak to Rhaen tonight. I haven't talked to him since the other night in Silvermoon when i tried to explain to him why it wouldn't work. I really care about him but I don't want what he wants. I'm not sure he even knows what he really wants. I'm just not sure I can say anything to him that he'll hear. He reminds me of Zakael when we were still dating. But Zakael changed a lot. I hope Rhaen doesn't end up disliking me too.

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Happiness is an ephemeral, transient thing. It doesn't take much to make it wink out, like a guttering candle snuffed with a pinch, or just an errant breeze. I was lucky to know it for even as little as I did. I knew it and appreciated it dearly at the time, but losing it was still more than I could bear.

Yet here I am, writing in my diary. I re-read my old entries today. I find myself envious of my past self, when I awakened on the isle and had no idea who I was or what I'd done. Or of myself right after Xandric helped me get a whole soul again, and it seemed like I could do anything. At some point, I started coming to the realization that that wasn't the case; that some things are inescapable. And it wasn't when Karthok attacked me the first time, or the second. Before that hovered the realization on the horizon.

Maybe it was having Jeho. When I found out I was pregnant, I was stunned, and about the thought of having a child, I was ambivalent. I knew, I just knew, that I wasn't mother material. But I didn't fully understand how deeply I would let a child down until Baal'themar. It was then that I began to understand that I couldn't protect myself, and therefore anyone dependent on me. But I didn't truly understand why.

I went back to Baal because, I told myself, only I could hope to stop him, to tame him, to gentle him with love. People would get hurt if I didn't. But that ignored the larger truth, which was that I wanted to have to. I wanted to be trapped. I wanted to suffer. It felt like what I was born for. It felt... right.

And it always will. The pattern my life has taken, the spiral and its inevitable conclusion, time and time again, has proven that.

I've tried to explain, and all people do is tell me I don't have to be that way, or things don't have to be that way; but I know otherwise. Only Xandric was different. He just... accepted it. I don't know if he really understands, but he accepts it. But I can't help but feel guilt, because my urge to seek out suffering will always harm those around me, especially those that care about me. That was the realization that destroyed me, when the first happiness I had was snuffed out, moments before Accalia devoured my soul. For a time, as Siané, I was blessed with a chance to forget that knowledge. But now I know that was only a dream, and one I can't afford to re-indulge, or others will be hurt again.

Yet here I am, writing in my diary. I tried to end my life. As before, I was not permitted, by those that cared about me, in their own ways. The irony is not lost on me. What I can do now, I don't know. I try to put on a brave face for Xandric. I try to focus on helping others. But I can never forget. I don't dare take Zakael up on his offer. I can never be Siané again.

Here I am. What do I do now?

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