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Siané

Siané's Diary

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The book is bound in lavender silk, tooled simply but elegantly in crystal and gold, with smooth ivory pages. The script within is light, ephemeral and graceful.

I never thought of keeping a diary. I guess there are a lot of things I haven’t thought of yet. Ever since I woke up, it’s been a slow collection of experiences and ideas. Plenty of things still don’t make sense, but maybe it will help if I write them down.

I’ll start with what I do know.

My name is Siané Dawnlight. I picked out my name myself, because I didn’t have one. There was someone else who lived before me, but she wasn’t the same person. Her name was Vionora Minara, or Tassha Minara. She let herself die, and now I’m alive.

No one knows how I’m alive.

Everyone says that I’m missing a soul. I’m like an automaton, moving and acting without one. I don’t feel like a machine. I have feelings. Machines don’t ever cry. But people aren’t supposed to be alive without souls. No one has an explanation, even the magisters and warlocks in Silvermoon. I go back every week, but they haven’t figured it out yet.

I’m half night elf and half blood elf. Sometimes people stare at me because they can’t figure out which one I am. I guess I’m a little strange, but most of the time it’s just a funny look, so that means I can go between Horde and Alliance at will. The Horde and the Alliance normally don’t like each other. They fight a lot.

I want people to get along. I don’t want people to hurt each other. It’s really upsetting when people hurt each other.

I joined the guild Sanctuary of the Horde, and the guild Twilight Empire of the Alliance. They get along with each other. They both want peace. I’m an Emissary of Sanctuary, and I was just promoted to an official Ambassador of Twilight Empire this past weekend. I’m really hopeful. I want to help. I’m not sure what I can do, though, although people seem to think it’s useful I can move between the two factions. I translated for a Forsaken at an Alliance beach party, once. But he wasn’t very polite.

There are a lot of people who are mad at me because of Vionora. They think I should pay for the things she did. It’s not fair, but I feel really bad that she hurt them, so I can’t be mad at them even when they stab me. I’ve gotten stabbed twice now. Being stabbed hurts a lot. Not as much as it did when Zakael tried to heal me with shadow, but a lot.

I don’t like pain.

I’m not the same person as Vionora. I don’t want to be like her. I would never hurt anyone. But people see her when they look at me. I’ll just have to try harder to show people who I am. I don’t know what else I can do to make people stop being angry at me.

I found someone else’s diary, by accident. He dropped it but then he ran away before I could give it back. I only read far enough to get a name – he mentioned someone named Xaraphyne. I don’t know who that is but I’ll have to find out. He talked about Accalia in his writing, though, so he probably knew Vionora. I wonder if that’s why he ran away. He might be scared of me because of her. A lot of people seem really wary of me, even though all I can do is heal people a little and summon a couple demons. It’s only on the Horde, though. Except Brinnea did kind of give me the same sort of look once, but she never said anything. I hope she doesn’t stab me.

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I still haven't found the owner of the diary. I was busy yesterday delivering letters. I did a good job. They're going to have a meeting. That's good. I wonder if it would help if I offered to deliver letters to the Grim. Lupinum let me inside their garrison once but he seemed worried someone would see me.

I'm glad Mal isn't locked up anymore, but I'm worried about this judgment he says they're going to make in a few days. There is so much distrust over there. In Twilight Empire everyone thinks the best of each other and it's so much better that way. Mal's guildmates should trust him, and Commander Julilee should give the Grim more of a chance.

Mal said some people are born evil, that they have a need to kill or destroy our hurt others just to live. I don't think that's true. People aren't animals. We have free will. Everyone has the ability to choose who they want to be. I'm choosing who I want to be, and I started off with nothing.

It really hurt when he called Vionora my "other life". I'm not her. I'm my own person. I know I am.

I'm going over to the magisters' today. I haven't been back in awhile, and Ardyan gets worried when I don't check in.

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I'd forgotten I started a diary...

I try not to think about the past too much anymore. It's the only way I can cope. I pretend like everything is okay and nothing terrible has happened or could happen again.

Commander Julilee says I'd be safer with the Alliance. But I need to do whatever I can to help. If I just hide it'd be the same as having died. What good would I be to anyone then?

I know I'm not much good now. But I help a little, and that's better than nothing, and that's all I could offer if I gave up.

Somebody asked me why I wanted to help people. I didn't really have an answer. Why do I need to breathe? It just is. It's what I am. It's the one thing I know is me, and not anyone else, no matter who I look like.

I don't talk to Ardyan or Malhavik anymore. I hope they're okay but thinking about them makes me sad. I feel sorry for both of them. They don't know what they're doing. They don't really understand they're hurting people. I wanted to trust both of them. But I guess I can't.

I'm tired of being scared, and getting hurt. I don't know how to protect myself, though. I just won't let myself hurt people back even if that would keep me safe. I could never do it. I'm more scared of becoming someone who hurts people than of getting hurt, still.

I'm not her.

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I’ve considered writing in here a number of times, but wasn’t sure what to say.

My name is still Siané Dawnlight, but it used to be Vionora Minara. Before that, Tassha Minara. I know that now, and I know I’ll never be either of them again. Both of them died; Tassha in Stratholme, Vionora on Darkmoon Isle.

I find I just don’t need or even want to talk about it. Their memories are always there, reminding me, but aren’t important anymore. I’m looking forward. Not back.

I do end up wondering, though, about myself. I don’t think I could ever end up like either of them. I just don’t feel the way they did. But I wonder if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing. Am I really alive, with just a fragment of soul? Without the ability to be filled with the anger, loathing, and sorrow that they felt? But why would I want to feel that way?

Xandric said I’m fine just the way I am, and I haven’t seen Drak’zon in weeks. Maybe it is better this way. I just want to help people, and that’s what I’m doing my best to do.

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An entry from several weeks ago

Maybe I’m not fine the way I am. I can’t forget the look on Zakael’s face. I hurt him. He’s going to do the right thing, but he doesn’t understand. He deserves better than that. I can’t give it to him.

I know Xandric is just going to end up being hurt too. But he said he’d find a way to help me. I want to believe he can. Not just for me…

Every child deserves to have a loving parent.

Just being there won't be enough.

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I've never been so happy. I have so many reasons to be happy now, and so few to be sad or afraid. I believe him when he says things are going to turn out fine. I know they don't always. I know some things are just beyond anyone's control. But it finally seems okay to be happy anyway. I thought I was happy that day Tirien destroyed the soulstone. I didn't know how much better things could get, even if they're never going to be perfect.

I guess in a way being happy is a choice. I don't blame Tassha and Vionora for how they felt. I know what they went through. But they made the wrong choices. I understand why. But they're not the choices I'm going to make. Not anymore.

I can feel her kicking more and more often... I think she's a girl. I don't know why. I might be completely wrong, I mean, there's no way I'd know. I'm still afraid but it's a normal kind of afraid, I think. I just want the best for her. I think things will be okay.

The Lunar Festival has started. I used to hate this time of year. Not anymore. I don't need to ever again.

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I don't know what to do. Xandric says he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He thinks he's too much of a danger to me, and Jeho. I tried to talk sense into him, to tell him not to listen to that woman, that she's just preying on his weaknesses, but he wouldn't listen to me. And I ended up saying stupid things.

I wasn't trying to keep secrets from him. I mean, they weren't even that important. Well, I guess they were, but they were things that didn't affect us being together. Or they were things that would have just made him upset. If he knew about all the times I got into trouble in the Horde, he'd just feel frustrated, so I didn't tell him when things happened like when Shokkra threatened me. And Tirien... That was just the past. I don't know why he got upset about that. I guess it wasn't the best time for him to find out. But it's not like that anymore, between Tirien and me. It never got a chance to be that way, really.

Jeho and I are as safe as we can be. That's not very safe in this world. But I don't want to let fear run my life, or hers. Of course I'll do everything I can to keep her safe. But being alone isn't safe either.

I don't know, I just don't know. I'm too tired and wrung out to think.

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There is a "1" written next to this entry. The handwriting is a little shakier than the previous entries.

Today I was going to have a playdate with Baal'themar and his son, but I ended up becoming a guest in their home instead. I wasn't expecting it, but it's very exciting. I get to help take care of their baby son, Kieran. He is only a few weeks younger than Jeho, and I can tell already that he's very sweet. Nathandiel and Baal'themar are very doting parents. 

They are also very good hosts and made sure I would have everything I need. Their thoughtfulness is very evident. They really wanted me to stay with them and I'm glad to do so. Of course I'm a little nervous, but that's understandable. It's a new arrangement for everyone. And I understand why Nathandiel would be afraid for little Kieran, even though I would never, ever hurt him. I'd sooner die than hurt him. I'm sure Nathandiel will realize that in time, but I don't blame him for being cautious now. I would be cautious too, though of course I would never hurt anyone.

Taking care of two babies will be a challenge, but I'm sure I can do it. They couldn't have found someone better for the job. They won't be disappointed in me.

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There is a "3" written next to this entry. The handwriting is a little sloppy.

I'm very tired from lack of sleep but it's okay because I love the babies so much. Both of them. I love Kieran already. He's so sweet and innocent, how could I not? His fathers are very kind as well and I'm sure he'll turn out wonderful just like them. Jeho is lucky to something is scratched out here have all of us.

The house is very secure. Baal explained how the magical wards work to keep bad people out. Of course that means I can't leave but I don't really want to. It's very nice here. I have no complaints at all. Both of them are very smart and perceptive and know what's best for all of us. I'm lucky they took me in.

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There is a "4" written next to this entry. The handwriting looks pretty much normal.

Baal'themar took me out for a picnic today. It was so nice. He's such a good cook. He doesn't mind at all that I don't want to eat meat. He cooks me a lot of fish, and he fishes it up himself. 

Anyway, we went to a nice spot and we had some conversation. He told me a little about himself, about why he wants to have a family so much. He really means well. And he knows best, of course.

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There is a "7" written next to this entry.

I've been here a week now and I think things have fallen into a routine. Nathandiel is still wary of me but I think he'll get used to me. I don't blame him for checking on me. I hope in time he'll learn to trust me. I would never do anything to hurt anyone, especially little Kieran. I understand being afraid. I would do anything to protect Jeho.

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A "7" is also written next to this entry.

I deserved that. Nathandiel was right. I should trust him more. I will be sure to always tell him when I think anything might be wrong, now. He'll see I learned my lesson.

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A "12" is written next to this entry.

The babies are both getting bigger. I had to tailor some new jumpers for them today. I'm good at sewing. That's one reason why I'm one of the best people they could have invited into their home. And I'm a healer, so if the babies get ill I can make them feel better. And I love babies. Kieran and Jeho especially.

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A "15" is written next to this entry.

The first portion of it is more of the same: talking about how wonderful being in the house is, how much she loves the babies, and the like. It gets more interesting toward the middle.

It's been over two weeks and they haven't looked at my diary yet. I can tell because I've been putting a hair on the cover and it's never been disturbed when I come back to it. I think they take me at face value and aren't really worried about me. Not that they should be. I really would never hurt Kieran. And I would never do choose to do anything that would put Jeho in danger.

There are a few more reassurances before the end of the entry.

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A "17" is written next to this entry.

The beginning talks about how well the babies are doing, before the subject changes.

I miss Xandric. I miss Tirien. I even miss Zakael. Xandric thought he was a danger to me but I knew he wasn't. Even when the beast was in control, he stopped himself before he hurt me. I miss being around people I can trust. I miss Kex'ti and the Twilight Empire meetings and Sanctuary Garrison. I miss not worrying about Jeho for every single moment of every single day.

Baal said once that he might let me visit, someday. I'll keep being good. I won't do a single thing that will make them suspicious. 

The rest of the entry is talking about how good she'll be, burying the middle part.

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A "20" is written next to this entry.

Baal realized that I couldn't stop worrying about Jeho. I tried to hide it, but he's too perceptive. He offered to let her go stay with her father if I wanted. I just have to let him do something else to ensure that they won't lose control of me. There was no question that I'd do it, whatever it was, but what it is this portion is scratched out

It's like some things are bound to repeat... but that's not true. It doesn't matter, anyway. I'm not ever going to be her again. It's different. I'm different. The important thing is that Jeho will be safe, anyway. Nothing else matters.

Edited by Siané

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A "23" is written next to this entry.

Jeho is safe in her father's arms. I don't know if I should be happy or sad, but either way, I don't feel the right way. I should be happy she's safe, happy she won't get hurt now, or sad she's gone, and I'll only get to see her on visits, but instead I keep thinking about him. What kind of mother am I? What's wrong with me?

It's not right. He doesn't understand why it's not right. He thinks one day he can win me over. Even if I didn't love Xandric, it would never work. this part scratched out to illegibility He has a basement full of women so his friend can bathe in their blood and he tells me they deserve it. How could I just don't think I can ever think that. He tells me kidnapping me was for my own good and that the things they do to me are necessary. How can I ever trust I just don't understand, that's all. Maybe I will, someday. 

Why can't I stop thinking about him, then? I'm not her. I don't want this. 

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There is a "45" written next to this entry. The handwriting is far more composed than previous entries, as though she had thought this over before writing it.
 
I never wanted to hurt anyone. No, I guess that's not true. When I was Tassha, I did. I was angry, very angry, and lashed out at others. But it was solely to get a reaction, to make them lash back at me. Once I realized hurting others didn't make my own pain go away, I stopped desiring to. Even when I was Vionora, when I did everything I did, it wasn't out of ill intent towards anyone else. Hurting someone else has never improved my life. Bullying someone else never made me feel better about myself. Revenge never undid the pain I had gone through. It just... didn't help anything. Suffering never helped.
 
But I guess some people feel differently. They feel like a wrong isn't righted until equal suffering is had. Or they need someone else to suffer to affirm their own place in the world. The latter is plain evil, but both feel wrong to me. The former not just because I don't get any pleasure or satisfaction from the idea of anyone hurting, even someone who hurt me badly, but just because it just doesn't make sense. It's wasted effort. It doesn't accomplish anything. It's like kicking a dog. All they learn is how to avoid the kick, not why what they did was wrong. If they're capable of understanding why, then they should be taught so that they don't do it again; if they're not capable of understanding why hurting someone is wrong, then they simply need to be prevented from hurting anyone else ever again. You muzzle the dog that bites. Kicking it just makes it try to find a way around the punishment, and leaves it with the ability to do it again.
 
At least, this is all what I always thought. Then I had Jeho. Then Baal asked me how I would feel if I had watched someone I loved suffer awfully and die at someone's hands.
 
I realized after what happened that I can't afford to keep trusting people so much, not with someone else sharing the brunt of any consequences I might face because of it. Jeho was in danger because I made a stupid decision that I didn't think through, because I wanted to believe the best of strangers I had every reason not to trust. I can't afford to do that. No, Jeho can't afford for me to do that. Yet, can I not? Or will my nature betray me, and her, every time?
 
I'm a forgiving person. I was even before I lost every other part of my soul. I have been abused at almost too many hands to count, but I'm always ready to trust again. Because of that, I met Xandric, someone who made me happier than anyone else ever has in my entire life, someone who validates every shred of trust I put in him. I don't want to change, no matter the price I pay again and again. Even if I did, if the world hasn't beaten forgiveness out of me by now, it's not going to.
 
But if harm came to Jeho... how would I feel? What kind of person would I be if I forgave someone for hurting my baby, or even forgave them for threatening her?
 
I think I have.
 
I still don't want Baal to suffer. Or even Nath. Jeho was spared an awful fate, but even the thought of that doesn't make me want to hurt either of them. Maybe a part of me wants to set an example for her, but the truth is, violence just isn't in me, even to defend myself... or someone I love. In the end, I guess this makes me a liability. It means others have to protect me, like Xandric, like Zak. And it means I can't protect others. Like Jeho. Or Zak, or Xandric. 
 
Then I have to wonder. Would it be better if I let tragedy turn me into a monster, like Baal says he is? If in defending someone else, if in trying to discourage behavior that would hurt someone, I only end up hurting people myself? Spreading suffering like a disease? It has to stop. It has to stop somewhere.
 
I would never condemn anyone else to this fate, of suffering again and again and again and asking for nothing in return. It's best that Jeho is raised by her father, now. But this is who I am. I can't do anything else. I would sooner die. And maybe someday it will finally be the death of me. But this is the only thing that makes sense to me. And, after everything I've gone through to realize it, it can never be taken away from me. Even now.
 
 
Edited by Siané
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There is a “50” written next to this entry.

Nathandiel brought me and Kieran down to the basement today. He’s very scared. He says the Legion is invading again. There has been nothing happening here in Northrend yet but he’s scared for Kieran. I’m worried about what’s going on. Maybe I can find out soon.

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There is a “57” written next to this entry.

We’ve been down here for a week. I still don’t know what’s going on. Baal is gone all the time now. I wouldn’t be able to keep track of time at all if not for the one small window at the end of the basement. Nathandiel says it’s too dangerous to leave. I miss Jeho.

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There is a “64” written next to this entry.

Almost two weeks. I still haven’t seen anything. Everything sounds peaceful outside. I asked Nathandiel where the Legion was invading and he said everywhere, but there’s no sign of them here. He says it’s too dangerous, he can’t let me leave.

They rescued a goblin girl. She was really hurt but I helped heal her. Her name is Mikki and she’s going to be staying with us. Nathandiel is kind of suspicious of her like he was with me when I first arrived. I’m sure it will turn out fine. It’s nice having some other company besides the baby and Nathandiel.

I don’t know what ever happened to the other girls that were down here. I try not to think about it.

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There is a “87” written next to this entry.

I think I might have missed a day. I’m not sure. It’s hard to keep count. They all blend together. The only thing that makes it bearable is Kieran. Watching him grow is so sweet. But it hurts, too. I miss Jeho so much. She’s going to forget me. Zak must think the absolute worst of me.

I just realized I could talk about it here. The blood bond. It only gets triggered if I try to tell someone else about it and I’m only talking to myself in this diary. I almost don’t even know what to say. It’s like I’m still afraid to talk about it. I’m just going to write it. ---------- Okay. Baal put a blood bond on me that lets him control me. That’s why they were willing to let me take Jeho to her father, because they could control me without her. He made it so I couldn’t tell anyone about it. If I even think about telling someone about it, it triggers. It’s hard because people sometimes ask questions and they don’t know but the answer has to do with the blood bond and I think about it and it triggers. But the only ones I talk to now are Mikki and Nathandiel, anyway.

The bond scares me a lot because it reminds me of past things, but it’s not the same. I’m not the same. It’s okay. Maybe this part is scratched out someday Baal and Nath will trust me enough to remove it.

Xandric must be worried sick about me. I hope he isn’t doing anything bad. I’m glad he figured things out with that warlock woman. I always knew Xandric wouldn’t resort to violence unless he had to. He’s scared of himself sometimes but he shouldn’t be. I trust him. But he might get himself in trouble because he thinks badly about himself. Especially if he’s worried. I hope he’s okay. He must be busy fighting the legion. I hope he’s safe.

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There is a “105” written next to this entry.

It’s been weeks since I wrote, but that was because there was absolutely nothing to say. The days are all the same. Mikki talks a lot. She tries to talk about escaping when Nathandiel isn’t around but I don’t let her. She thinks I’m kind of crazy. She mentioned a place called Stockholm. I’ve never been there.

Edited by Siané

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There is a “111” written next to this entry.

Nathandiel took me on a picnic today. We took Kieran with us. Nathandiel has gotten a lot nicer to me since the start of this. He really sees how much I care about Kieran, and I think he realizes I would never do anything to hurt him. I’m glad, and it was really nice to get outside and get fresh air.

Nathandiel said again that they would let me go someday, when Kieran doesn’t need me anymore. I used to be scared because I thought they’d probably kill me when they were done with me. I still kind of wonder if they might, but now I’m not so sure. I asked if I could come back and see Kieran at times after they let me go. He seemed surprised. I hope he really can see that there is a way for everyone to be happy.

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There is a “120” written next to this entry.

Nathandiel is letting us move back into the main house again! I’m so excited. I want to zip through all the rooms like a hyper cat. He says I can start going out again, too. I can’t wait! I’m going to go see Jeho first. I hope Zak isn’t too mad, but I don’t care how much he yells at me as long as I get to hold her. Then I’ll go see Xandric and make sure he’s okay. I know he won’t be mad. I think maybe… maybe he can figure out what’s going on. But he’ll respect my wishes, he always does. I just hope he’s been okay with the Legion invasion. I’ll try to make him feel better about the situation. He can let Katelle know I’m okay. Maybe I’ll give him a message for Skylah too, so she knows I’m not abandoning my duties. Then I should talk to Commander Julilee too. But first, Jeho. I can’t wait to see her.

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