Faelenor

Leather Bound and Written in Starlight Ink

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Faelenor    14

I could see Visca's decent into a darker place. We were not always around to lead him in the proper direction and I blame us for whatever may have transpired on that unfortunate day of his passing. I will admit that I jumped the ship myself before it sunk on me but I do not think I was fast enough to avoid the tolls that running the Order came with. However unlike its former leader, the Order of Eversong will be buried in its city of origination. It will still exist but it will be buried under the politics of its city. And though I still hold my soul intact I had certainly paid with my time and wasted efforts. I feared that my patience was slipping and that I would lose sight of the balance that I had found long ago.

Sanctuary's return meant salvation for me as I am sure it did for the other returning members. Leaving the Order and joining Sanctuary did not come without sacrifice of course but in the end one must give so that they may receive. I can not shake this feeling that the time for peace among the denizens of Azeroth is clearly upon us but some are blinded by tradition, arrogance, or delusion. And although I find Sanctuary's ideals to be naive, I would much rather live in a world where such an innocent and pure ideal is celebrated over a world where meaningless slaughter and destruction are a currency used to pay for said delusions.

As of today the order has seen 6 of its members pick up the banner reborn. Though I fear that Julilee will only remember Valerel and see him as a sole representation of what the Order has to offer. I was certain that he would give me the least resistance and would show the most respect to Julilee. Eiverdein did surprise me though. Could it be that he has truly seen the light and learned that his old ways may not be needed anymore? Or could he have a different agenda that he may be keeping from me. He does consider himself a business man after all.

As for my brother, Aetheril, after a whole year of minimal to no contact shows up without so much as a "good to see you, brother." His presence, usually a welcome one, felt rather grim. Before I made any mention of Sanctuary I informed the three about Draco's passing. Valerel and Eiverdein reacted as expected but not Aetheril. Draco Gladius Visca was like a father to us and all he had to say before he walked out of the room for a moment was that he needed to process the information before he "spoke ill of the dead." I usually do not question what my brother does in his spare time but I fear that his involvement with shadow magic may be causing him to go down a dark path as well.

After all was said and done and I was able to get over the embarrassment Valerel put me through I spoke with Julilee. I meant what I asked of her and everything I spoke to her about but I had a deeper reason for this discussion. I wanted to see who she was. What she was like outside of the politics of it all. I wanted to see who I was giving my Order too. Though she is young and not as experienced as her officers she holds her own well. She was professional and courteous as I expected with a calm rivaling that of one of the monks at the Peak of Serenity. I offered her words of wisdom and she took no offense but rather sought to learn more from me. Julilee was the embodiment of Sanctuary and I promised myself that I would keep her on the right path. I will not make the same mistake I did with Visca.

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Faelenor    14

I may have stumbled upon more then I should have. Which isn't to say that I can't handle anything I may read or see. It would seem that upon his death, Draco Gladius Visca left me to be the Grandmaster of both his order and his manor. Cerryan may have inherited the structure, but I seem to have been given access to more then he may have. Visca manor has certainly seen better days but it shouldn't go without saying that resources are still being thrown into it. Half of this prototype Scryer technology is beyond my capabilities. Where it not for Vigil, an automation program eeriely resembling Visca, I may not have found everything I was looking for.

I may not be fond of the mages running the Scryers but I am certainly impressed with the research they have done and the technology they have developed. I would assume that Ariavan has also been working with them to get prototypes such as these made for future production. Here I thought Garrosh's goblins were creating the unimaginable. Regardless of the colorful distractions I was on a mission. After learning what I assume are the basics of operation in this room I sifted through the high volume of information, taking note here and there and marking things for future reference. The day turned to night rather quickly but before I could make my way out of the vast ocean of information I stumbled upon some surprising details.

This much is clear, I must bring Amalyn and Cerryan together tomorrow night before the siege through the portal that Julilee has planned and continue digging til we can find the answers we are looking for. The Scryers should have known who they were dealing with when they allowed Visca to let me lead his Order. Its almost as if they had no say and Visca wanted me to find all of this.

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Faelenor    14

This conflict is plagued by sheer stupidity and glorified bias. One side believes that ends justify the means enabling the killers and justifying their label. The other has a self righteous naivety which forgets the cruelty of war be rewarding false peace. Hypocrisy runs rampant on both sides and given their prestige neither one is willing to move aside for the other. War among them is eminent but what will push them to it? Julilee's crusade for peace will be her undoing, of this I am certain. How long can Sanctuary be trusted to keep their ever fading composure when they take every passionate bleeding heart that comes along? The Grim are using Sanctuary's self righteous passion as their weapon and it will be Sanctuary that runs itself to the ground.

The Grim are standing on an interesting line. Their tact was more then welcome when Garrosh was Warchief. As it stands, Garrosh is dead and Vol'jin is now Warchief. Though he is not opposed to violence as a means of conflict resolution he will not share interest in the same heedless violence that the Grim promote. They may go unnoticed during the conflicts in Draenor but if someone were to shine a light on their activity they could soon find themselves exposed, tried, and dismantled for fueling the flames of war against potential allies in a war against a force neither side can handle alone.

I pledged my serivce to Sanctuary in a state of haste and moral obligation. My daughter knows nothing of the fears of the world yet. I thought that by serving a banner that promoted "peace" I could keep her from all the horrors as any parent would. However, I made a foolish mistake. The horrors exist whether or not she sees them. I can only hope she is as strong as her mother and refrains from taking my path when faced with them. Once this conflict has resolved I will reevaluate my position in Sanctuary and most likely leave. I may not believe in the existence of peace without war but at one point in my life I would have been one of those passionate bleeding heart ready to die for such a cause. The irony is overwhelming.

The first step I must take will involve Arcturil. I might regret even meeting with him but its out of necessity.

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Faelenor    14

As I expected, her crusade for Justice would be her own undoing. Sanctuary was built upon Four oaths spoken in the same way but interpreted differently by all. Kargron and Taozhu proved a prime example of this. Somewhere deep down inside of me I was hoping that Cerryan and Julilee would take control of their anger and this talk of war would cease. But the reality is, simply put, blood will be shed. In five days time her march will begin. I should have expected this but I gave her more credit then she deserved. I was certain that with how composed she usually is and with Cerryan by her side I would have had more time. At this rate anything I do will be pointless and both resources and time would have been wasted. She asked to speak privately with me. My assumption still remains that she will be adamant about her decision and that anything I tell her would be a wasted effort on my part.

As for the on going assault by the Legion, my hope is that Amalyn and I can remove ourselves from the infighting and focus our resources on the real threat at present time. We have spent more time than we ever expected helping in the front lines. We see so little of our daughter these days that I worry she will grow up not knowing her parents very well. With the move to Borrowed Time's Garrison it should provide a safe place for us to have her visit. Sin'lanna mentioned there would be kids her age there to play with. It will give Amalyn's parents time to relax while we fight in Tanaan. It was a pleasant surprise seeing Sin again. The last time we parted ways she was leaving the Order in search of something else. What that was I can not say but she found something that I can assume she wasn't expecting. Im happy for her. Perhaps one day our daughters will work together and even fight together against what ever tyranny comes before them.

Should nothing go as planned I still feel strongly about getting the Flight back together. That is the second step I must take.

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Faelenor    14

I have been careless. Desperation has led me to speak openly about this curse. I told Atal'shi without hesitation as if hoping that her understanding of the Loa would somehow bring me answers I didn't already know myself. She spoke as if she knew my situation but there haven't been many that didn't walk away from me upon discovering said situation. I was supposed to meet with her in Northrend but could not bring myself to do so. She seemed to think that my interest in becoming a Shadow Hunter was for purposes other than to remove this curse. I could not bring myself to tell her that I had no other need for her expertise. I wouldn't willingly give my life up to any god in exchange for this freedom. She also seemed to think I was a novice on his first venture into the world. Her lack of observance only reinforces what I told Julilee. In the shadows you are never to let emotion or Oath hold you back. You are to remain observant until it is truly time to strike or there is no need for it. I almost wish I had gone to see her in Northrend but it would have been childish of me to try and prove to her what one must learn for themselves.

There has been very little change on either frontline. The Legion continues to pour in and the infighting carries on.

The search for the Flight continues. Once I have gathered all the information i need I will be able to call them together and discuss in further detail what their purpose will be. I never shared the same interest in such an organization but I expected Draco would have me lead it or at least organize it for him.

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Faelenor    14

She is her fathers daughter. I worried that all the commotion would scare her or cause her to shy away from everyone but it would seem she has inherited my curiosity. She takes her bow everywhere she goes and has even asked to shoot at the targets outside the walls. I have been so tied up with everything that I haven't had time to practice with her. Saturna will be turning 8 soon and I want to surprise her but I worry her mother will be upset if I pay for her very own set of daggers. She knows what they are for and I am certain she would be careful with them. I got my first set when I was 6 and never lost a single finger or eye. I have kept her isolated from everyone around but she still managed to spy Sin'lanna's daughter. She has asked to play with her on multiple occasions. Perhaps I am being unreasonable in keeping her isolated when she visits. She hasn't made any complaints about being outside on her own but I am sure the more she visits the tougher it will be for her to keep that curiosity in check. She is 7 after all.

I will speak with Sin'lanna and perhaps arrange a day for them to practice together. I am sure she wouldn't mind looking after them while I make my way back to Silvermoon next week.

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Faelenor    14

All this talk of the bronze dragonflight has me thinking deeply. Had I not touched that cursed box I would be able to hold my wife and daughter. Had I not touched that box I would not have to worry about the innocent dying around me. Perhaps if I could find a way to travel back to that time and stop myself from finding her trap. Would I have been able to convince myself that it would ruin aspects of my life i hold so dearly? Would I have been able to convince myself that seeking out Saturna was a fools errand? Perhaps I would not have to interact with myself at all. Perhaps i could get someone else to remove it before I found it. Now the bronze would most likely prevent me from changing the past but would the infinite? Ive already contemplated working for the Loa as a means to nullify this curse but I was informed that this would not work. Perhaps there are others that could use my expertise for a chance to undo this mistake. Its temptation at its finest and desperation has me in its grasp.

Saturna.

Why? Surely you knew that someone would look for you. Surely you knew that it would be someone that cared for you. This isn't your fault. I was careless.

I should try to make contact with her once more. Else I find myself aiding the wrong side.

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Faelenor    14

Why do I care so much? Why did I want her to convince me to stay? I should have left quietly but everything told me that would have been cowardly. I told her I didnt care about her out of anger. How many times can a person be dismissed in a converstion before they grow tired of leadership that shows no recognition? Why should anyone follow a leader who thinks she owes no one a thing? Ever since I started this damned journal i have only ever written about her. Perhaps it is best that ive removed myself from such a toxic environment. Trying to please someone who does not care about you is unhealthy.

Yes i disappeared for months. Not because i wanted to but because I had no choice. Removing that curse was a priority. One which had me traveling to outskirts of Azeroth. Its because of this curse that I have been unable to channel any chi. That however is a story for another time. Even before my abscence i felt the same. In any case my ties with Sanctuary have been severed. Ariavan decided to stay behind and assist with the dreadlords in my place. Perhaps his experiences with Sanctuary will be different.

Upon meeting Cobrak for the first time i knew I had found my true home. A place where duty is not what binds its members. A place where family matters more to its people then some oaths repeatex mindlessly as fee for admission. I brought Saturna and Amalyn along to meet with Cobrak. Amalyn looked happy. Perhaps it was because i was happy. Saturna took a liking to Cobrak right away and Anock even more. Im fairly certain they managed mischief when I left her with the other children. The atmosphere was refreshing to say the least. In time I hope to meet with all of Borrowed Times members.

Ultimately... I am happy.

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Faelenor    14

I've grown attached to all of them. Each and everyone of them a member of a family i sought. It reminds me of my time with Tarrixs' crew and how we all came together for one common purpose. A purpose we all cared about not because we had a duty to uphold or an obligation to fulfill. It was a purpose that we held close to our hearts. Family. It is a bond not easily forged but in the short month that we have spent with Borrowed Time, my daughter has found friends among the children that reside there. Amalyn's once spark for adventure has rekindled and we are happier then ever. I admit that we are actively seeking this adventure and can not hold it against Sanctuary that we were absent for such a long time, but what I did was necessary for my family.

I mentioned this curse often but not many knew the details and even less knew the torment it caused me. Imagine being unable to kiss your wife or hold your daughter because the moment that you do they wither and die. Imagine sleeping alone at night avoiding any physical contact with your family then waking up from dreams turned to nightmares where despite this curse you hold your daughter and are punished for doing so. I had woken up countless nights in terror that I had caused their deaths. A person can only live like that for so long before they will do anything to end it all. For years I could not be around my family. I sacrificed far to much to let any misery end the joy of returning home and for the first time in years allowing Saturna to run into my arms. Or the gentle kisses and caresses Amalyn held on too while she waited for me to end this curse.

I will never forget what I went through but instead I will be ever more vigilant of my actions.

On a brighter note my daughter has grown attached to her friends in the garrison. She looks up to little Isadore, following direction in admiration to her spirit. That night at the Inn was a reassurance for me that I had made the right decision in letting her stay at the garrison. I was more like Selash at first in that I did not want to bring her around but was convinced by the trust I have for everyone there. Though always cautious and vigilant that my daughter is safe, I have found that I am less inclined to watch her at all times. Then there is little Anock. Although she does not show it when they are playing I can tell she is very fond of the boy. She speaks of him plenty when training with me or during our family outings. Like Isa, she is just as prone to rough housing with the boys. She does everything she can to impress them both.

Perhaps when this whole ordeal with the Quorum is over, I can begin teaching the young ones as Cobrak asked. Until then we must continue dealing with the unforeseen assaults however at least Cobrak heeds my words of caution and has actually given me the opportunity to lead a division of Borrowed Time. I have decided to provide the Flock as a resource when needed and used the previous name as inspiration for their new name. The Ravenflight. Valerel and Eiverdein have both informed me of their interest in Borrowed Time and will eventually meet with Cobrak. It seems that whatever business they were handling has concluded. It would seem that I still hold some influence over the members of the Order that decided to join Sanctuary.

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Faelenor    14

Journal Entry 10

I abandoned you when you needed me the most and when I returned, I was to afraid to see what I had done to you. It wasn’t until I was ready to receive all of your hate that I wanted to return to you but by then you were already gone. I was responsible for your death and because of my cowardice you lay buried under an unmarked stone. No matter how many roses I lay over your grave or how many times I apologized I never forgave myself and convinced myself that you would only ever feel spite for me.

As we lay there, defeated, in our darkest hour I was the first to rise with renewed strength. A burden lifted from my shoulders as I stood to loose a volley of arrows. As more of my companions stood to finish the fight, I could see that they rose with the help of their loved ones who had passed. I looked around but saw no one. When the final blow struck we needed to leave quickly to make it out of the portal. I turned one last time before stepping out and upon seeing you I wished that I could run back to you. I wished that I could hear your voice and see your smile one last time. The roses I lay for you had been collected in your arm and I knew then that you did not hate me. I knew then that I could forgive myself.

I did not deserve you and you did not deserve what I did to you. For that I am truly sorry. I loved your deeply, Lennia Sian’nodel.

Journal Entry 11

There has always been an unspoken rule between the two of us. Though my curiosity for her has always existed I never sought to find answers to my questions. I kept my distance from her out of not only respect but fear. Not a fear of her but a fear of finding that darkness I parted with all over again. A fear that comes with uncertainty and doubt yet pulls you into its inescapable path riddled with intangible warning signs. I wanted her to remain that mysterious comfort of my past but could not resist the allure of her vulnerability.

Perhaps it was because she caught me off guard when she approached me outside of Dragonmaw Port that I could not find the means of avoiding her any longer. Previous to our encounter on the beach, I watched from a distance as her world collapsed around her piece by piece. I wanted to call out to her sooner in hopes that I could guide her path, perhaps ease her pain. I said nothing to her even after catching a glimpse of that pain as she looked longingly upon my family. It was that fear that kept me from crossing the boundary we silently established long ago.

I recklessly abandoned our usual back and forth telling her that I did so out of a need to understand her situation and establish a trust. Every word I spoke to her was true but most spoken under false pretenses. In reality I had hoped to deter her a while longer so that I could prepare myself better. Perhaps her need for assurance outweighed her caution. So much so that she began to open up to me in spades. I caught myself staring blankly at her as she let veil after veil drop.

Every word that got past those ruby lips drove me closer to that anticipated fear. I began to recollect memories of a darker past long forgotten and in order to understand her I embraced them. Not only did we help each other justify our wicked deeds but we glorified the atrocities we committed and found joy in. We found a much needed validation in one another. Instead of trying to run away from the madness, we embraced it and used it as a means to keep ourselves intact. We used it to survive.

As the time passed we attempted to lighten the conversation with talk of the friendship our daughters were forming with one another but it only lead to the recollection of the missing father of her children. Ultimately we navigated through our darkest paths with ease and familiar comfort but could not seem to find the solidarity and peace within our happiest memories. I was genuine with her and she returned the honesty in kind. Though I could never know her pain I could at least understand it. I told her about my previous fiance, Lennia, not to compare our losses but to prove my understanding.

Perhaps it was not the fear of finding the darkness that made me hesitate to approach her but the fear of justifying the evils we committed and losing that balance that pushed me from getting to know Sinlanna Arath’dorei. Regardless of what I know now, the fear still remains. All the warning signs are there, but I have chosen to ignore them.

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Faelenor    14

Journal Entry 12

The Sha are a manifestation of the negative energies we carry within ourselves. They are the physical form of all our uncontrolled fears, doubts, angers, despair, pride, hatred, and worst of all violence. Most actions are driven by one while the others simply serve to amplify its intensity. This is how the greater of the Sha became unearthed. It was said that about 10, 000 years ago the last Emperor of Pandaria, Shaohao, stripped himself of these emotions to save his lands. His actions were never intended to bring harm to the land or its people but even good intentions lead to ruin. Had I known of the history behind the choice he made and the patience needed at the time to fully understand the consequences of his actions, I would have not done the same.

Arcturil Umberblight was more than a facade created to undertake dirty deeds without tarnishing the Rayfeather name I helped raise from the ashes. Arcturil Umberlight was the separation of the darkness that I carved from my very soul to not only fulfil my obligations without worry of direct backlash to my sanity but also to allow myself the thrill and sheer exhilaration of the deeds. Without him, I would have broken long ago. Without him, my sanity would have torn itself to shreds and I would have either become a hollow husk of a person or a murderous abomination without the remorse to keep control. Arcturil was created to absorb and contain the darkness all the while keeping it from tarnishing the purity of my soul.

3 years ago I attempted to cast out the evil within but I had not anticipated what manifested before me. I was impatient and perhaps deeper still, Arcturil had already planned to set himself free. The darkness was so ingrained to that piece of my soul that it tore free from my being. What manifested before me was more than sha or shade. It took my image, my memories, my skill. The biggest difference between us was its lack of conscience. He left that all to me. When our separation had finished I was left weakened and unable to end it before it could escape the confines of the peak of serenity. Even if i had been at the peak of my strength during our fight, I would not have been able to end him. I pitied what I had created.

He had disappeared for several months before I had learned he had made his way to Silvermoon. Amalyn was the first of his victims. It was because he wore my appearance that I could not blame her for letting him into our home. It was because of my carelessness that he tormented the mother of my child. Our final fight with him lead us to believe he was out of our lives. It wasn’t until we thought him gone for good that she was able to forgive and trust in me again.

I was summoned to Dragonmaw Port over the communicator by Ophinnia. She had asked that I meet with her but never really gave any details as to why I was needed there. It was upon my arrival that I almost killed the red dragon, Saelyx. I lost almost all control as I watched him lift Amalyn into the air questioning her as he held her by the neck. If I had not considered him to be more than just a friend, he would have been laying on the ground with pieces of brain and skull missing from his head. Perhaps it is the understanding of my wife and I’s voluntary participation in the war games of Ashran that allowed me to hesitate long enough to shoot away from the drake. Amalyn and I put our lives at risk all the time, trusting in our skills to keep us alive but this was different. I was caught off guard by the notion that Saelyx was my friend.

While he held her he continued on about how Ophinnia had made mention of a doppelganger disguised as myself. I was to infuriated at the time to even care. He had my wife in his hand and I was not prepared for that, but I had retained my composure long enough to see her free before my gun fired off into the air instead of the back of his head. The signs were obvious that the sheer amount of chaos that engulfed the Port that night was more than just a berserker dragon going on a rampage. I could tell that Amalyn’s fear did not stem from Saelyx’s hold on her but all i could see was the immediate danger my wife was in and everything seemed to blur.

When Sinlanna and Cobrak returned with the children and Amalyn was clearly out of danger, It all began to connect. The chaos fueling it all seemed well orchestrated. As everything was relayed to me I began to question the possibility of his return. It was not until Amalyn spoke out to me that I was without a doubt. Arcturil was back and the few that saw him could attest to it all. Why now? What was the reason for his return? We had thought him dead for years. How did he survive? I had far to many questions and no answers for any of it.

Perhaps it was time to pay an old friend a visit.

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Faelenor    14

Journal Entry 13

Sinlanna has always been a candidate for the Ravenflight, even before I had joined with Borrowed Time and given my flock to Cobrak. I had hoped that perhaps she would join the Flock as an agent long before we reconnected in Warspear. Her skill as a weaver and mender of the shadows had made her an unquestionable candidate for what Draco may have intended to be the Order of Eversong’s special operations group. I had not directly approached her about the position but when I made mention of the possibility of work she had seemed interested. This was long before Arcturil made his appearance. Long before i had to predict calculated outcomes of our ventures into Kun-lai and Undercity.

Our first mission took us to a small village in Kun-Lai, west of the Gate of the August Celestials. The village was one of many that remained plagued by the remnants of the Sha of Anger and all the Yaungol affected. Simply put, the mission was to retrieve as many samples of the sha as possible and make our way of the village alive. She carried with her a very curious contraption designed for collection, one of her own making i’m sure. We examined the field below us on the wall dividing Kun-Lai and Townlong before dropping down and heading into the most infested part of the village. She maneuvered through the surrounding Yaungol silently while I took the attention away from her. It was a simple extraction mission and our dynamic seemed undeniably perfect.

I am no stranger to the shadows and have even seen my brother do unspeakable things with its magic, but something about her control and her show of power had me infatuated with her. I was captivated by her display to the point where I began to lose myself in thought. I had forgotten about the battlefield and perhaps endangered myself in the process. It was that same display of power that broke me out of my enthralled state as she shifted her focus on the mission to save my life. I blamed the sha’s influence, but could not believe my own lie. In truth, it was my own inner strife that attracted the sha towards me and my own uncontrolled lust for her mystery that stole my focus. Perhaps it was ironic that she saved me from myself.

Once we had all the samples we needed we retreated back up the Serpent’s Spine. She made no mention of the incident, but she did not have to. Her softening smile said it all. Perhaps had she yelled at me or made a coy remark about what had happened, the blow would have been softer. I hated everything about the way she looked at me and had to change it. I reminded her of the next part of our mission and adopted the wild enthusiasm she donned previous to my mistake.

Undercity seemed to be another tie in the bond of our very nature and person. We both felt an ease being down in the Rogue Quarters among the shady denizens and the back alley riff rats. The second part of our mission was to find Tarrixs and perhaps get information regarding Arcturil and his whereabouts. Normally Tarrixs and I communicate through comms or ravens, but he had not been responding to either. At first I had figured he was in the process of working a bigger case but after a few weeks of silence, I had a sudden urgency to investigate.

I took her to the base of his operation and immediately could tell something was amiss. Bartholomew, Tarrixs’ brother, usually meets with potential clients and customers at the front door. This time he was not around. Everything from the unkempt exterior of the building to the lack of torch light within the large window above us suggested foul play. While Sinlanna attempted to get us inside, i looked around finding a single finger. That was signal enough to keep our guard up every step of the way. If i had not already been impressed with her talent before, it would have been the way she got us inside that fascinated me the most.

Ultimately we discovered enough evidence to suggest a definite occurrence of struggle between whatever parties shared the walls that night. Nothing I had not already imagined before but certainly more concerning than relieving. Tarrixs and Bartolomew, if he still lived, left in a panic. Whatever it was that caused them to flee was no joking matter. Tarrixs never scared easily, and his skill in hand to hand combat was far superior to my own. All that remained were shackles of Living steel, a broken vial and a needle with a black stain surrounding it and more dust than i thought possible within a span of 2 weeks or so.

With the second mission completed we parted ways.

At least that was the simplicity I had wished for but things never truly go the way we tell them. It was only moments after our breech that we stumbled upon the first sign of his long unexplained absence. Hanging from the ceiling of the room was what appeared to be a ball of Ethereal energy. As we maneuvered closer to it we began to notice its sudden jerking movements. Every step we took towards it caused it to shake until it slowly crumbled letting what looked like small glowing orbs fall from it. We were both cautious of the potential danger awaiting us, but we were also intrigued by the unknown that lay in front of us. I stepped forward to sate my curiosity and perhaps to make sure that if something happened, it would happen to me. I owed her that much.

That last step was all that was needed to attract the attention of whatever it was that lay dormant before us. One of the single ethereal lights, no bigger than the palm of her hand, stood and crawled on its newly formed eight legged body. Everything told me to move away, to heed the caution signs, but I refused. I simply could not resist the allure of its dangers any longer. It crawled up my leg and made its way up to my shoulders. It sat there for a moment before getting close to my ear and whispering. It was immediately then that I knew what we had come across. I simply turned to her, saying only one word. “Curious?” I could not help the grin that followed. Like the moment before I allowed the spider to climb my leg, I could hear the internal yelling and struggle to keep my distance, to move away.

She has a curious nature to her, most unknowns intrigue her to the point that she may choose to abandon caution for the chance of unmasking the mystery. I had exploited that curiosity and that closeness we shared for a personal gain I could not benefit from. I acted irrationally and perhaps even risked the bond we found in one another. I took her hand into mine to lead a spider to her shoulder. I watched as she examined our linked hands before turning her attention to the spider. I watched as it whispered the information it held into her ear and the sheer delight that came to her face. Then I watched as we hesitated to pull our hands apart. I was the one with everything to lose and yet she was the one to finally pull away.

I need her help and I can not afford to make such mistakes again.

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Faelenor    14

Journal Entry 14

 

It was meant to be a way out. An escape from the dreary business that plagued the walls of the Undercity. There are few places I can claim to be a safe haven for my thoughts and even fewer that don’t remind me of the many painted faces conveniently placed within arm's reach. Of course this was all before bringing her along to share in our hopeless secrets. As it currently stands, the ruined tower in which I could normally find solidarity, is now a blatant representation of the aftermath that was wrought from the very selfishness of my actions.

 

I suppose it could all be traced back to the days of the Order of Eversong’s prime. Much of my history involved the many members that I became attached to and called my family. Most have gone and passed while others remain as former husks of who they once were.

 

She had become neither of those things but I had previously known so little about her that she had remained a riddle wrapped in mystery.

 

I recall the first day I met her. There was a vibrancy to those ruby lips and raven threads of hair that I found irresistible. She had caught my attention and had me regaling her with stories over glasses of wine. After that day we never really spoke intimately again, but being under the same banner forced us to work together often and I could not bring myself to sabotage the very nature of our dynamic.

 

She always had an uninterested look to her, that when peaked, visibly shown by a twitch of her ear or a sudden shift in your direction. I made efforts to ensure that I never found myself on the receiving end of that interest and perhaps that very endeavor is why I find myself in these circumstances. I had put her on a pedestal and admired from a distance trying with all attempts to keep her as nothing more than a tool for the next job.When she had finally gone her separate way I was able to disconnect myself from her as easily as any other but the attraction had remained. All I could do was bury it all within the confines of my persona.

 

It should have come as no surprise to me that night in Warspear when I had found her again. I had lost complete communication with her and thought the worst possible scenario. We sat by the open fire and talked in similar fashion to the first night we had met. It was there where I learned of Isadore, her daughter. The news was unexpected and I could not restrain my own thoughts. I voiced my surprise. Hearing she had become a mother rattled me in more ways than I cared to ever admit but I was genuinely happy for her. Upon further examination of that night, I came to the conclusion that I may have been jealous of Naheal. But why? I had a loving wife and a beautiful daughter at home.I could not have comprehend then how irrational my feelings were.  

 

That was until I came to the abrupt realization that my jealousy was misplaced.

 

Before Saturna was born, before she was a more than a conceived idea, before I married the copper haired beauty I call my wife, there was the Wolf. Isendur Karoleks was an umber blight whose fangs dug deeply, rending flesh and maiming everything else underneath. His details had been forcefully ingrained into the deepest facets of my mind where they continue to wake me from restless sleep. Meeting her child once was all it took to make it blatantly obvious Isadore was his.

 

It wasn’t unlike him to engrave himself into our bodies.

 

Like Saturna Starsummit, my teacher before him, Isendur had a calculated cruelty meant to reinforce the very foundation of his teaching. He, however, was abrasive and domineering in the lessons that he taught and the power that he flaunted was enthralling. Both marked me as their student, leaving behind my broken body at the end of each session. Both offered indoctrination into the abyss that was their core but only one teacher allowed me to partake of them wholly, much like I allowed my students when I took them under my tutelage.

 

I never mistook our violent passion for what it was. He never afforded me the chance to see it any other way. Where I thought his lessons to be derived in cruelty I learned quickly that his pleasure was far more merciless and brutal. There were nights when his blades drew blood and his wrath ended my rebellion. There was no embrace to warm the cold touch of his steel afterwards.

 

The only thing left for me to cling to was the dark he left behind. Sinlanna was his before me. She was tempered with what I will mistakenly see as his kindness. But none the less she was a product of his doing.  I fell in love with the intangible and perhaps Sinlanna was a reminder of the very comfort that caressed me when he would have no more to do with me.  

 

It was these very secrets that lead to the betrayal of the woman I professed my love to so many years ago. It was the intimacy of his teachings that festered into the very taboo of our affection. It was the bridge of my kiss that connected us and in that very moment everything came crashing around us. We had discussed so much of what we wanted for our people and how much of it we inspired for ourselves but none of that mattered after one destructive little kiss.

 

“Forgive my weakness”

 

I spat those three words out like it was going to excuse the betrayal I committed against my family, against the very woman I offered to guide into a world of balance. It was a betrayal of my own heart and it caused an ache utterly unbearable. She offered to mend it but the deed had been done. Nothing could erase my error. The only thing left for me to do was to tell Amalyn the truth. To bring her grief so undeserved.


I sit here now, writing as my daughter sleeps, waiting for Amalyn to return tonight. She knows nothing of what transpired over the past few weeks and perhaps that is what terrifies me the most. Will her assumptions aid in the destruction of our bond? Will I have destroyed everything that I worked so hard to create? Will my child face the same fate as her father because of a self fulfilled prophecy? Apologies will never be enough to make amends for the deceptions.

Edited by Faelenor

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