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Julilee

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Julilee    35

4/11/15

Some things are perfectly obvious to me. Right and wrong. Fair and unfair. Justice and cruelty. I'm sure some people think I'm merely naive, and haven't experienced enough to understand the complexities of it all, but somehow I don't think that's true. The right path has always been clear to me. I could never lose track of it.

Yet... some things are not so clear.

My first relationship lasted five months. It didn't seem complicated, despite certain things. He came from a different point of view than I did, but despite that, I knew I could trust him. We understood and respected each other. In the end, that wasn't enough for me; and that was all there was to it. On my end.

He came back after it was over and demanded to know why that wasn't enough. I couldn't find an answer except that someone else made me happier. He left, but the things he said lingered.

And then... this.

I don't know how I could have been so blind to what was happening. I can try to use my lack of experience with relationships as an excuse, but I don't feel it is. I should have known better. I should have been thinking of him. I should have been thinking of myself differently. But I didn't. It just... didn't feel wrong.

It does now.

I've never been so careless of another in my life. I never want to be again.

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Julilee    35

Kex'ti is safe... I'm sure he'll recover. He's strong. That's one of the things that drew me to him. This won't change that.

...

I'll worry about other things later. I just can't right now.

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Julilee    35

This business about an Alliance terrorist is troublesome. I'm still not sure I believe him. He could have planted it there himself. And those dockets... Anyone could have assembled those. Who is to say if someone named Morinth is responsible?

Still, what he said about the Grim gave me pause. Darrethy had asked me if I thought everyone in the Grim was the same, and I, admittedly reluctantly, said I didn't. But I said it was enough that they all stood by their belief in "peace through annihilation". Yet... what if some of them don't truly believe that? I don't understand, though, why, then, would they wear those colors.

Darrethy did make me see one thing. I will never trust Lilliana, but she did not take an opportunity to hurt Sanctuary when she could have. Still, in the end it's moot. I know where her loyalties lie, and I know how easily they can be pressed between ideals as high as those both the Grim and Sanctuary espouse.

...I'm not sure I can see myself taking a vacation.

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Julilee    35

Nothing but a dream. Yet it felt momentous... Did nothing change? Or did everything? I still can't sort it out.

I asked him to help me rewrite the oaths. None of them are wrong... but they're missing something. Something important. I'll see if we can't figure it out together.

Then my father showed up.

I can't believe his claim that it was his intention all along to hone my will by making a martyr out of my friend, and that it was successful. I just can't believe that. I have never been manipulated in my life; I have always seen the true path and followed it. I have never gone astray despite what anyone else said or did to influence me. This is where I would have ended up regardless. All he did was make Naheal suffer.

I'm not sure why I agreed to let him swear the oaths. But if this is what he wanted of me... he had better be prepared to deal with it.

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Julilee    35

It feels good to be getting recruits again. Sanctuary is not something to which just anyone can commit, so I know our numbers will never be as great as some. Kex'ti's words aside, I understand that. But I wouldn't have Sanctuary any other way.

I spoke to Lilliana, though it was pointless. She seems to think the conflict between Sanctuary and the Grim can be solved through simple request. No more than a single statement exchanged with Khorvis proved otherwise. They see us as traitors to the Horde, an infection that must be cut out. There is nothing we can do to convince them differently; we lack the martial strength to impress them, the only thing they understand. Our beliefs are just at complete odds. They believe our ways will doom the Horde. We know that theirs will doom everyone.

That reminds me. I wonder what Darrethy's problem was. He was spoiling for a fight and seized the first excuse to start one. It's always been like that between us, though. Quick to snap at each other. But he's not the first who's overeager to condemn me and Sanctuary, and he's far from the last as well. If I took it to heart, I'd give up.

I wonder if I'll be able to enjoy myself on vacation. I don't even own a swimsuit...

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Julilee    35

If I can write a journal entry, I can handle the meeting tonight.

I think Kex'ti is the only one who realizes there's anything wrong. Of course I've left most of Sanctuary's running to him since I woke up, and the only other person I've spoken to at any length is Naheal. I don't think he realized, though.

It's the words. I can't find the words anymore. I'll be speaking and then, right in the middle, the concept I had in mind just doesn't come to my lips. To compensate, I've started speaking with simpler words, for fear the bigger ones won't come out.

How ironic is it that I can't find the words to explain things anymore? I, who am in charge of forming and directing Sanctuary's singular philosophy. Who has spent so much time debating with others, trying to explain, justify, and defend our position. Now I couldn't argue my way out of a wet paper bag.

I dread facing doubters now. They would surely seize the opportunity to interpret my struggles as a problem with the philosophy's defensibility. At best, I would seem weak, and Sanctuary cannot afford to seem weak.

It's not just the words either, though they are arguably worse. My left side is weaker, slower. My shield arm. Again, how... Oh no, what is the word. When something has a meaning. I can't even figure out how to describe it.

– Symbolic.

That took me about ten minutes to remember. It's so frustrating. I don't know if I can do the meeting tonight. I should just have Kex'ti go.

The medics say the brain is hard to heal. You can regrow the neurons, but it's hard to put them back exactly the way they were. Memory loss is common after head injuries. Disabilities less so, but not unheard of after significant injuries.

I remember the water filling my lungs. It burned. Drowning is not a peaceful way to die despite what they say.

They say you can relearn, though... get better. It's only been a few days. I must be patient with myself.

The Grim and Morinth have no reason to wait around, though.

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Julilee    35

It's so frustrating. I don't even want to try talking most of the time. Why bother saying anything when it's not going to come out right? I was never much of a speech-giver... I never had a head for flowery words or fancy rhetoric. But I could always say what I meant to say. Now I just can't. And I end up snapping at others because of it.

If anyone is going to make someone snap at them, though, it's Naheal. He manages to be so ... overbearing. That's not the right word, but it's close enough. There are times when he just assumes too much. I keep in mind that he only does it because he cares, but even that didn't stop me from telling him to just go away. I knew he'd take it hard, but I just couldn't take any more. It didn't help that he was at least partly right. I could be doing more; I could be advancing Sanctuary's cause further, even with the limited manpower we have. There is wisdom in laying low for now, and I'm definitely not in peak condition currently, but Sanctuary is needed. It is always needed.

We made up. It was... strange. No, not strange, but different. It feels like something changed. We've been at odds in some ways since we met, again, but it feels like we moved past something. I don't know that we'll have that sort of fight again.

The Tanaan Offensive is shaping up well. Everyone is making good inroads into Tanaan and we've almost acquired all the resources we'll need to begin mounting full-scale assaults on the Citadel. A full roster will be taken after next week. Kex'ti is doing most of the organizing, and doing an excellent job at it. I should have promoted him to officership sooner, but was worried it would look like nepotism. I suppose it will anyway to those who choose to see it that way, and for any others, his conduct and achievements will speak for themselves.

Not that he has any problem speaking for himself.

Maybe a little. It was difficult for him to talk to me, but I guess that's my fault. I don't... show weakness. To anyone. I know when I am weak; I'm not always strong. I make mistakes, suffer failures. But I don't ever feel the need to seek comfort or reassurance. I appreciate it when it's given. But I don't look for it. I grew up without it and I don't need it now. And I guess some people think that's... I don't know. Intimidating. At the very least, it makes them feel unneeded.

Of course I need others. No one is an island. It's just... different.

I chose to be with Kex'ti because our beliefs align. Because I can rely on him. Because he's always moving. Because he makes me think. Because he understands how I think. Not because I'm looking for someone to rescue me from the burdens I've chosen to shoulder. I hope that's not what he wants.

Time to go practice. I need to practice extra if I'm doing to get over this lingering damage.

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Julilee    35

I don't know where to begin with this entry. I'm almost surprised I can bring myself to write about it. There is only one person in the world I could ever bring myself to talk to about it. And if I didn't have Kex'ti, I can't imagine where I would be right now.

I always knew I was naive. But I thought I could compensate, knowing it. The evils the Grim were capable of were never, strictly speaking, a surprise. Jinsai's betrayal, I saw coming; I didn't miss the signs. Saphiara, I was able to handle. But this... This was an unfathomably great blind spot. I knew what he was capable of; I knew. I just thought it would never be me that had to face the consequences.

In a way, it's good that this happened to me. Now my eyes are opened. And I won't let him continue to do evil to others. No more excuses. No more understanding. I won't let Naheal hurt anyone else.

I won't hesitate if Lilliana attacks me again, either. Whatever license she had earned is thoroughly revoked.

I will recover.

Sanctuary cannot be destroyed. It will rise, again and again.

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Julilee    35

I hate seeing him. Having him anywhere nearby feels awful. I can control myself, but I just hate that he goes on like nothing is wrong. The letter was meaningless, as meaningless as every time he ever said he valued freedom, that there were lines he wouldn't cross, or smiled at me. He tells himself he believes in these things to balm his conscience, but he's ultimately given lie to every claim.

I just had to get that out. I'll get over it eventually, I'm sure.

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Julilee    35

The Tanaan Offensive is doing extremely well. The group members' abilities complement each other and everyone follows directions without issue. There have been no fights or other disruptions, other than a few snarky comments, including maybe one or two I let slip, but nothing any one of us can't ignore. It reminds me of back before Saphiara, when we used to work with the Grim on a regular basis. Things have certainly changed, but I didn't feel any differently about their philosophy then than I do now. I'm sure some would be surprised to hear that, but it's true.

I never expected it would be easier to fight side-by-side with Awatu than Naheal, though. Both of them think their decisions, their philosophy, is justified... Both of them believe they fight only for the wellbeing of others, and to protect what they care about. And both do irreparable harm while pursuing their goals. But I'd once thought Naheal's path ran parallel to mine. At least with the Grim there was never any confusion. I appreciate that about them, as faint praise as that really is.

It's good to have Kargron back. We've only had one long conversation, but it confirmed that he and I still share the same views for Sanctuary. He was my first officer and I feel better knowing he's behind me again. Cerryan, too, is around more now, and although he's certainly been under a lot of stress, I hope to see him come out of it stronger and more sure. One doesn't don the purple and gold without being tested, and over and over again at that. Vilmah's journals showed me that much. Hard to believe it's been almost a year since that, now... Actually, just a month away.

Siané has been doing well as an ambassador to the Alliance. I hope to arrange another meeting with Twilight Empire soon to strengthen our bonds. I should reach out to Donnelly again, or maybe one of the other officers. Also, Kiraleen. We were to have a gathering with the Outriders this summer but it didn't pan out. I need to make an effort to maintain these connections, although politics were never appealing to me. It will help to have Kex'ti accompanying me.

Always more to do. Guess I'll get to it.

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Julilee    35

I'm tired of being weak.

I re-read my earlier journal entries, all of them. I used to be so much more deliberate -- ponderous, even. I've been worried that I'd grown rash and impatient, but I realized that that wasn't the case. Back when I first raised Sanctuary's banner again, I was untried and untested, and I knew it well enough to move only with caution. No more. It changed with Aerie Peak; with Accalia. This may still be my first campaign, but I know exactly where I stand.

Yet apparently that's on the losing side.

We would have been slaughtered if Taozhu hadn't managed to get us out of there in time. I barely remember what I did or said after. I called everyone in. I tried to shore up Cerryan. Kex'ti said something to me. What did he even say? I can't remember. I don't know where he went. I only really remember talking to Lohd.

I have to be stronger. Sanctuary needs to be stronger. I knew we wouldn't be popular; I knew we'd be mocked. I wasn't prepared to be completely sidelined. There must be something we can do without inviting annihilation.

For now, we'll spend our efforts on surviving.

Until the next Aerie Peak. We will not retreat when we are the only ones standing between innocents and death.

But next time, I don't think there will be timely reinforcements.

We have to be stronger.

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Julilee    35

He unhinges me so quickly. It's completely irrational. Certainly I have every reason to distrust and even despise him, but I have to keep my head. I realize that now, after the pointlessness of all the shouting was made perfectly clear. It was so ridiculous. We were in agreement the whole time.

I read the contract more thoroughly after he left and his people were situated. It's very basic. That's fine. But I need to talk to him again. I'm going to compose a letter after this. I've been trying to figure out what to say for the last three hours.

And I need to speak to people tonight. We have to be prepared. There can be no more losses. Not needless ones.

I'm so glad Kex'ti is beside me, supportive of me in this. I always have something to fall back on because he's there.

I don't want to live without him.

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Julilee    35

He was the last one I would have asked for help two days ago. But somewhere between the shouting match and the guild meeting, it stopped mattering. What he did. It wasn't just setting it aside, either; something changed. Inside. I'm committed to this path now. There's no time to waste on grudges. Or regret. There's only one thing that matters.

Justice.

We've agreed to combine our forces. Sanctuary and Borrowed Time will share a garrison, and together fight the Grim and Serinar. On the latter subject, it turns out Borrowed Time has the companions Zhên was looking for. It all makes sense in the end.

I don't believe in fate; it's all too clear that the future can be dramatically altered. But there are ties that bind people together and they cannot be broken.

Maybe Kargron, Taozhu, and others are right, and we should just keep biding our time. That we should stay passive, and show the better part of valor, of honor. I'm under no illusions about how it can be harder to not act than to act at times. But I don't see any other option that won't end in the destruction of Sanctuary. I'm not afraid to die, and I know justice never will, but I don't want to die in vain, without ever really fighting for what I believe in. And if I let any of Sanctuary do that, I've committed a worse sin than simply getting them killed.

This is what we have to do.

Kex'ti will probably die in the fighting. There's no chance he'll stay back. And I haven't found anything that will help him, just slow the disease. I'm going to take him back to the monastery for another procedure before the battle, but I don't think it will be enough. And yet I can barely bring myself to see him these last few days. He has to know. But he knew all along. I was the one who didn't.

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Julilee    35

Things have happened that I should make note of here, but I don't really feel like it.

It's more of an intellectual curiosity than anything that has me writing these words at all. I know I'm different. But I don't really care. I wonder if the old me would be aghast, but she is the one who chose to do this, so maybe not.

I can tell it bothers Kex'ti. But it'll get better. I just have to get used to it.

Should I be doing something right now? Eh, whatever.

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Julilee    35

It’s been hard adjusting to… being myself again. I was nearly at the point of snapping when I did what I did. Maybe it was a form of snapping. Regardless, there’s no going back to the way I was before.

It’s like I had always carried around these fears, this anxiety, but just had it suppressed. Or I’d built up defenses over my life to deal with it. But now that those defenses have fallen, building them back up in the face of this unstoppable wave is all but impossible.

Still, mostly, I’m glad. I’m glad that I care again. I don’t ever want to be like that again. I would do it again if I had to, but now everything is going to be okay. I’ll figure it out. One thing at a time. And if some things fall apart, or I lose some things, I’ll still have others.

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Julilee    35

There’s been no response from Twilight Empire. It’s more or less what I expected. I could ask no less than I did, but it was still too much. I have to search myself for how I would have responded in that situation. If it had been Kex’ti. How appreciative would I have been for the nuances of fairness and justice? How angered would I have been to be asked to direct my attention in such a way, away from something so important to me?

But justice compels me, and it always will. It may not make me any friends. It may make me despised. Maybe, in the end, the consequences of refusing to compromise will outdo the good I could do otherwise. But justice isn’t justice if it’s not for everyone. I can never look the other way. No matter the cost.

We’ll be bracing Serinar in his den soon. I want it done. Then we can focus our attention and resources on other things. Try to stay one step ahead of the Grim again. Protect any who need protecting, from the Grim or otherwise, instead of passively waiting and reacting after the damage has been done. No more.

phoenixsketch.png

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Julilee    35

I don’t need appreciation to keep going, but it gets wearying when it seems like everywhere I turn all I see is unsympathetic faces. I know I’m not unreasonable. I don’t like defending myself, and I understand that makes people distrust if not reflexively despise me, but I always honestly answer questions and present my reasoning if asked, and it feels like people refuse to judge me by that alone. They have the urge to tear me down and it obliterates any chance of objectivity. Maybe this is why leaders are supposed to have charisma. It doesn’t feel fair, though.

I can’t believe Naheal sometimes. He’ll say something and then do the opposite. Or just say something, then say the opposite thing later. That’s frustrating enough before he assumes I’m wrong without bothering to take the time to understand my position, even when it’s actually the same as his. No one likes to admit they’re wrong, and it’s not my nature to need someone to admit it for my sake, but when he sticks to a point of view that is wrong just because he can’t acknowledge a mistake, it’s impossible to work with him. I think he makes a decision, then thinks it through, but whatever conclusion he comes to by then doesn’t matter because he feels like he has to stick to what he already said. How are you supposed to reach someone like that? Even Kerri didn’t know, and if anyone knows him better than I do, it might be her. Well, or Sinlanna, I suppose, but I don’t see myself ever talking to her about my issues with him.

We’re moving out of Borrowed Time’s garrison this week. With Serinar defeated, there isn’t a direct enough threat against either of our guilds to merit keeping our forces combined any longer. I’m sure Kex’ti will be glad for the change. He wants us to move straight to our new building in Dalaran, but the Horde still needs us in Draenor, if only to protect resources we’re still exploiting, so I think we’ll be here for another six months at least. I can’t say I’ll miss the cold when we finally get reassigned.

How strange to think that my first campaign might be ending within the year. It was only a little more than a year ago when it began. I don’t particularly feel any more like a veteran, like Elanderik or Cerryan or Lieutenant-General Fhenrir. Or even Kex’ti. They all carry such weight with them; maybe have a certain cynicism. Even Cerryan, in his own way, who saw so much that he ended up grasping for what he did. I don’t feel like I’ve changed much, despite what I’ve been through. I’m still the same person. I’ve learned some things, about people, about consequences, but there is very little I did this past year that I would change if I could. My path has always been clear to me.

I need to talk to Kex’ti about wedding plans.

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Julilee    35

Kargron isn't himself... or rather, he's a different part of himself now. I wish I had talked to him more about what was bothering him before this. But there was a distance between us ever since we nearly attacked the Grim, and I don't think I could have convinced him to open up to me, much less accept my help. Now, though, maybe I can help him. It's painful seeing him like this. I know what it's like to be divided, to not really be yourself. I can't reconcile his conflict for him, but I can support him so that he can.

I hope.

Things remain strained with Borrowed Time. I'm not sure if I should be glad Naheal was called away by the Bronze or not. I'm sure he would have assumed the worst of me. I told Cobrak I appreciated his trust in me, and I do. And we do need to trust each other more than ever now. It will always be a weapon that can be turned against us, but without it we are completely unarmed and defenseless. I know some would call me naive and foolish, but I can only see distrust and bitterness leading to far worse.

I finally found Rylie a tutor. I didn't want one that would be too biased toward either Horde or Alliance, or any specific race. My worldview broadened greatly as soon as I left Silvermoon, and I believe Rylie should be exposed to a breadth of experience and cultures. I suppose living in Dalaran now will certainly help with that. She seems to be adjusting well after suffering such a tragedy. Children are resilient, I suppose. And Kex'ti's influence is good on her. Hers on him, too. He seems happier with someone to take care of. I was only ever so good at being someone like that.

I wonder how much longer we'll be in Draenor. There are only a few scattered Iron Horde forces left to subdue, and greater threats are coming. We'll go where the Warchief needs us, and where justice calls us.

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Julilee    35

It's always one thing after another. Accalia's curse, Morinth, Serinar, now this Quorum. Any time in between seems to be taken up by pointless feuds with the Grim or other empty diplomatic gestures. What little downtime I have left over I get to spend on Kex'ti, and then there isn't any time for anything else. But apparently I'm not spending enough time on Sanctuary. I'd always imagined that those who were called to Sanctuary's banner would be sure of what they believed in and ready to act on their own, with no need for encouragement. And plenty are, like those who are always off on missions, or Kex'ti. But others just see a lack of necessary guidance and inspiration.

I don't know how to inspire others. I just know what I believe in, and how to act on it. And while one part of me wants to feel like if others don't have the same surety, maybe they shouldn't be here, I know that's not only unfair -- because everyone can have doubts from time to time, or still be trying to find their path -- but harmful to Sanctuary as well. If we only hold onto those with the surest conviction, our numbers will be sorely lacking. And even those who are sure can find their faith tested when so few others seem to hold the same conviction, weakening us further still.

In the end, it all points back to a failure of leadership. I know I'm not charismatic. People are inclined to assume the worst of me no matter what I do or say. I don't know how to change that. I won't believe it's because I'm inherently unappealing in some way. That there's just something about me that's objectively distasteful. I have a right to be just who I am and I'll disregard anyone who tries to tell me otherwise. But what am I supposed to do to help Sanctuary when the way people react to me is slowly burning it to the ground?

...

Aderlee asked me a question that to tell the truth I didn't quite answer honestly. I've gone out of my way not to antagonize him, as the last thing I need to do is throw fuel onto the fire of someone quitting Sanctuary for the Grim. But it's also because I don't want to admit failure. If I had taken the time to nurture his interest, to guide him -- if I even have the skill to do so -- maybe he'd still be fighting for Sanctuary instead of the Grim. Maybe others, too. I'd rather he thought I was cold and indifferent than ineffective.

But the question was this: given the choice between saving a Grim and an Alliance citizen, who would I choose?

Of course this scenario is unfair because either way someone dies, so in theory there can be no truly right answer. But it is also lacking crucial information. Someone's guild or faction association is not sufficient to judge their worth by. Even if that guild is the Grim. Despite the many members of the Grim who I know deserve to be brought to justice, I still would not assume any other of them guilty until shown evidence of their crimes. I wouldn't trust them, of course, but I wouldn't assume them guilty preemptively. I assume that's what he was trying to catch me doing; but he's not the first to believe me only capable of black and white thinking. I told him I wouldn't not choose the Grim, and he accepted that answer in what seemed to be a favorable way. But the truth is, if it were a Grim I knew was guilty of atrocities, then I would choose any other who I did not have reason to believe had committed any comparable crime.

I am not in a position to bring justice to all of those who deserve it now, in terms of power either physical or political, but if the opportunity were handed to me to do so without bringing consequences down on Sanctuary, I would.

This has certainly been a delightful journal entry, hasn't it? No wonder people don't like me.

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Julilee    35

I feel like I've seen enough of my own nightmares for a lifetime. Certainly after last night I have no illusions about what fears my soul harbors, though I always had a decent grasp of them anyway. Failure, disappointment, unbelief. The path I chose for my life is not for the faint of surety. I've been questioned every step of the way by everyone, friend, foe, and family alike. Resolve is the only thing that keeps me going, and doubt is the only thing that can undo it.

But when I thought he was dead, it was hard to remember that any of that mattered.

It was like when I'd had a piece of my soul cut out. Not an inaccurate comparison. I knew what I was supposed to do, but it almost didn't feel like it mattered anymore. Of course I always knew I didn't want to lose him... I went to great lengths to ensure I wouldn't. I don't know what I wouldn't do to save him. But to have him torn away anyway...

I'm just going to have a hard time letting him out of my sight for awhile, I think.

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Julilee    35

A week ago

I've never been so angry. If Kex'ti hadn't talked me down, I would have ordered Shokkra removed from Sanctuary already. If I weren't out in the field now there would be fel of a lecture to give. You don't say things like that, not even as a joke, and definitely not like a real threat. There are some Grim I wouldn't even expect to do that. I don't understand why Shokkra would.

I know hearing about Xerrai was hard for her. She values loyalty very highly and those were her own friends and compatriots who died. I would not find it easy to accept that news as well. But it was war. Shokkra needs to acknowledge that those who fought back against Garrosh and the Kor'kron were justified. Sanctuary itself suffered incredibly under Garrosh's regime. Xerrai did what was necessary to save the most lives. That's what Sanctuary stands for. If Shokkra can't put that above all, she doesn't belong in Sanctuary after all.

From the start I've had people telling me she didn't. I didn't believe them. She said she wanted to change. I've been wrong about people before. But I want to believe. I see her trying, every day. And trying is almost all that I require. She doesn't need to forgive Xerrai, or even not be angry with her; only acknowledge that those Xerrai saved had a right to life as well. But if this exposes a fundamental lacking on Shokkra's part, a true inability to cleave to Sanctuary's virtues above all, then she'll have to go.

Being in Sanctuary is not easy. Being here is not the sanctuary. We provide the sanctuary wherever we go. And it can be at great cost to ourselves depending on what we are offering sanctuary from. Sometimes there are hard choices to make. But they must be made.

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Julilee    35

June

Preparations to depart Draenor continue. Sanctuary is slowly relinquishing command of the garrison and moving our base of operations to Dalaran. Kex’ti’s forethought in purchasing property here is serving us well. Our reputation as peace-seeking has paved the way for nominal acceptance. Hopefully we can expand on that.

I’m leaving tomorrow on a special assignment from Horde command. I’m going to be gone for at least eight weeks. I know Kex’ti will look after Sanctuary and Rylie well while I’m gone. Things are looking up.

At least so much as they can while we’re all waiting for the Quorum’s other shoe to fall.

 

July

I’m visiting home briefly before heading back out. I spoke to Shokkra and saw Kex’ti and Rylie. We’re getting an influx of recruits, just like we did before the Red Portal opened. It’s like people know something is about to happen. But word of the Legion’s movements has been spreading for months now. Everyone knows it’s only a matter of time.

 

End of July

The invasions seems to be slowing. I haven’t been getting much sleep, constantly heading out to relieve other forces so they can get some rest, but it seems a little easier now. Maybe we’re winning, or maybe we’re just getting used to it. The ceaseless influx of invading demons is difficult, but it feels like we have a chance.

 

Mid August

We went with the assault on the Broken Shore. They grouped Sanctuary and Borrowed Time together as we had experience fighting together before. Kex’ti was given charge of one squad and Cobrak and I the other, larger one. I knew Kex’ti would be right behind us.

I’d thought that the invasions on Kalimdor and the Eastern Kingdoms were representative of the Legion’s forces. Dauntingly numerous, and bound to wear us down, but not hopeless, if we could just hold out. On the Broken Shore, it was different. We lost too many. We had to retreat. I didn’t want to. Kex’ti dragged me off kicking and screaming. The Alliance thinks we abandoned them. Maybe we did.

But you can’t help anyone if you’re dead.

I wonder what the me of two years ago would think of me the me now.

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Julilee    35

And what would the me of only a year ago think of me now?

I often think about writing in my journal, but then I never do. There’s too much to do. I barely get to go into the field anymore because I’m always busy delegating tasks and settling disputes. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Leads on Karthok. Coordinating with Twilight Empire and Night Vanguard. The whole Catalinetta mess.

Speaking of the last… Of all people to walk into my office, I was not expecting Tammy. I thought she had moved on and made her own life. I don’t understand why she continues to resent me. If I can find it in me to not resent her and to put the blame where it belongs, she certainly should be able to.

This whole Catalinetta thing really is a mess. I hate putting Cerryan in this position. I should just ask him to recuse himself from the matter. The truth is, I’m still bitter over what he did, and I’m putting insane expectations on him to try to win back my trust – and expecting him to fail. That’s what I’m doing. I need to figure out how to put it behind me. It’s just… hard to forgive and forget, sometimes. When you fully expect for the same thing to happen again.

I should talk to Kex’ti about this. It’s been kind of hard to talk to him lately. I was actually glad when he pushed back about Cobrak. Sometimes I worry that I’m too strong-willed and that I just override his wishes. But how can I not insist on something I feel is absolutely true and necessary? I just can’t shake the feeling that more and more he agrees with whatever I say because pushing back isn’t worth it. That’s not the way I want it to be. I need to listen better.

I miss Shokkra. It’s been so quiet without her. I still believe that she’s just fine, wherever she is – physically, at least. Karthok wanted her to be his and wouldn’t hurt her. But I can’t imagine what this forced confinement must be doing to her. I’m worried about her. When we have her back, I’m going to spend a lot of time with her.

Guess I’d better get back to my paperwork for now, though. These requisitions won’t approve themselves.

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