Sign in to follow this  
Evolyn

A simple cloth-bound logbook (Evolyn)

Recommended Posts

(The penmanship is immaculately neat and legible, if a bit small.)

October 3rd

Saying anything is better than saying nothing.

Say anything.

Say anything.

Say anything.

Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Say anything.

Say anything.

Say anything.

Say anything.

Say anything.

I don't like what's happened to me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(The handwriting is choppy, and slightly disorganized.)

I spent hours venting at Sett earlier tonight. I shouldn't have exploded at her the way I did, but I was so close to going up in flames anyway, I don't think it would have mattered what she said to me.

I hate feeling like I need others to protect me. It's always been that way. And ever since Rylaan, I've come to resent feeling so powerless. Everyone except Jan seems to think they have to protect me - like I'm too weak to do anything on my own!

She asked me what I think being strong means. Strength is someone who doesn't need to be protected, who isn't STUPID enough to walk into an obvious trap and put others in danger for it, someone who can DO something when things are falling apart around them instead of wanting to run to their big sister in tears.

She says I'm flawed, not weak. She didn't see what I was like before - when Rylaan killed Dae, when he hurt Jan - I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even keep myself out of danger - much less help anyone. I've been trying to be strong, but I'm just driving everyone away, and driving myself crazy. Sett said that everyone is flawed - that nobody can be strong all the time, or a perfect protector.

I know that nobody's perfect - I'd be happy just being something besides what I was - what I am. I hate being reminded that I'm still that weak-willed, gullible, weepy child I used to be. I hate being a burden on everyone - I'm off in my own little corner, worrying about NOTHING while they're off helping people, DOING SOMETHING, and I expect them to stop for ME and keep me out of trouble? I'm disgusted with myself.

And what I hate the most is, I think I WANT them to feel sorry for me. I don't know how many times I've gone to Jan cry on her shoulder and let all of this stupid, petty kodo-shit out of my system so I can stop going CRAZY and be HAPPY and SAFE again! But then it turns into me just WHINING at her, and trying not to do anything to CHANGE! I feel stupid and ungrateful, and I hate myself even more for being too weak to stand up and accept it.

Sett says I should stop trying to be strong. Put it in the back of my mind. Focus on other things. She asked me to help her kill someone. It unnerves me how casual she can be, talking of things like that. She knows she's being baited into a trap. She told me, if she goes into a frenzy again, to make sure she doesn't hurt anyone dear to her.

I want her and Mae to be safe, but I had gone through so much that day I'm whining again. Even now I can't admit I was frightened.

I told her I would think it over. I hate myself for thinking that my petty problems were enough to stop me deciding on whether to save a friend's life then and there.

I want to protect someone - this would be doing that, wouldn't it? So why am I still afraid?

I remember very clearly telling Sett that night that I wanted to be the one protecting someone for once in my life; that I want to be the mother and not the child. That's when I realized that was the answer to Tarenar's question. All this time I've been going to see Dornaa, fawning over her, wanting to adopt her - was this fervor for being a mother, having a family, all just some attempt to have someone rely on me? Was everything these last five months just using an innocent child's love for my own selfishness?

I feel so guilty, so ashamed when I think about it. It makes me feel sick.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm leaving Dornaa's coin at home - I can't bring myself to look at it right now.

Otherwise today was slightly better. Perhaps this journal actually IS helping.

Threw myself into enchanting practice today, trying to take my mind off of things - I've been slacking for far too long; it's been over a year since I've made any serious effort with it. Still have several reagents and raw materials in my safe-deposit box - it's time I start using some of them up.

I let it slip to Jan and Trigin what Sett has planned, and her asking me for help. Trigin seemed surprised, then angry that she would ask this of me. And Jan... just walked away. I don't know why. She's always been the most forthright person I've known. If I was making a bad decision, she would have said so... although that scuffle between Vaedoras and Merriana outside could have had something to do with it...

Settana's been hiding parts of the story from me. She told me more about that dragon tonight, and her history with her - but that is not to be written here. I asked why she would ask for my help. Jan or Trigin - or anyone else, really - would probably be the first people most would go to. She said it was because I stood up to her, because I risked my life to keep her from killing Ranavos. I don't know what to make of that right now - sometimes it hardly feels like I was the one doing these things.

I was wondering why she has taken such an interest in me these last few weeks - and why she has to make things so awkward all the time. She said to me that she thinks of me first and foremost as a friend - but apparently she just likes getting a rise out of me, too.

She's a strange woman, Settana, but I will help her.

--

Liopold really likes her, too. If we survive this, I might have to ask her to look after him sometime. I'm sure she'd enjoy spending that time spoiling him with all that attention. Though I may have to put a warding spell on some of my things in case she gets any ideas...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I showed Jan this journal tonight. We talked - actually TALKED - for the first time in a while, and I did my best to listen; no whining, no tantrums.

I have always thought Jan the strongest person I know - but her definition of strength is nothing like what I had written. She has needed protection; she has walked into a trap and put others in danger; she has felt helpless. She believes her own personal source of strength is the fact that she relies on others - she helps them when they're in need, and they help her in return.

I forced myself to admit that I had made a mistake - I told Settana that I can't always count on my sister to help me when I have a problem; in my frustration, I neglected to mention that she does this for a reason. There was a time she couldn't face up to her own actions - it seems so long ago that she was running away from her feelings for Trigin, and for Kev before him - and she knows that I must likewise be able to hold myself accountable for my own.

She believes I am strong, but I still need someone to take my hand and tell me what's wrong with me. I've managed to make it so, that if I don't have someone to do that, I even can't get through the day.

I've been marginalizing myself - the standards to which I hold myself, Jan tells me, are higher than everyone else's standards for me. I served in the Siege of Andorhal, I helped tend to the injured in Darkshore after the Cataclysm. She said that my actions were keeping others safe - that even if I don't realize it, I've had an effect.

She brought up Dornaa as an example. She made her point, but now it makes thinking about her even more painful - every aspect of my relationship with this child suddenly seems selfish. I need to speak with Jan about this more, and soon - I've been dreading my upcoming visit to the Exodar; I don't know if I can look Dornaa in the eye again.

I'm also going to have to find Settana, and straighten things out - Jan and Trigin are very angry at her, and I will not have a wedge driven between them as a result of my thoughtlessness.

On another note, I've decided to start taking military work again.

To Remember and Ponder:

1 -There are no small victories.

2 -You CANNOT always win.

3 -It's okay to need people - but you need to know why you need them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(This entry seems to have been made in great haste.)

Sett is going to do something very stupid. Came by house tonight. Tried to stop her.

I have to find Jan and Merriana.

NOW.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We found Sett in Dragonblight - that teleport spell was a ring enchanted to bring her to Dalaran.

She seems to have been healed in the meantime, and she's going through with her plan. Failing to stop her last night, I'd tried to give her the benefit of the doubt - hoped she'd tell the others about it herself, but I couldn't contain myself - I ended up blurting it out in a panic when she didn't say it.

For a moment, it felt like I was the only one who cared that Sett could be throwing her life away - but I couldn't even think of any better way. I ended up making a spectacle of myself for nothing. Moreover, Trigin was right - I can worry for her, but I can't stop her if she's made her mind up. I don't have any control over what she does: the decision is hers alone. I got a hard reminder of that tonight.

I don't have to like it for a single second - but I can't stop it from happening. All I can do is hope that she'll be all right.

I'll be praying for her tonight.

--

I spoke with Jan about my upcoming visit to the Exodar; how I worry for how things might have changed between me and Dornaa, since my "epiphany," some days back. I still find myself lying awake, wondering if I'll be able to bear the sight of her, the sound of her voice, her laugh, her smile - things I once adored, but now of which I find myself feeling undeserving.

Jan distracted my attention from Dornaa, and asked me why I wanted to help her; I told her that seeing her happy makes me happy.

According to Jan, I'm acting as though it's wrong to want to be there for Dornaa because seeing her is fulfilling a need; by my logic, she says, I should be considering myself selfish for being happy at Jan's happiness

I feel foolish whenever I ask for Jan's advice - she always makes the answer sound so obvious that I have to kick myself for not thinking of it sooner - or not letting myself think of it.

I asked Jan how she puts up with me. She said I'm her sister - so she doesn't.

To Remember and Ponder:

1. I'm the only one who can answer questions for myself.

2. The only actions I can control are my own.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(The writer's hand was obviously shaking)

Sett's frequency came over my radio tonight. I don't remember how long I listened before I had to turn it off - but those screams, that voice - will be burned into my memory forever.

When I had the strength to turn it back on, several hours later - nothing.

Light, let her be all right.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Went to the Royal Library today, trying to take my mind off what I heard over the radio. I've been having nightmares about it - sleeping's been difficult.

Ran into Somnar - the Vindicator I've been partnered with for my last few missions - at the Gemcutting shop in Stormwind. It's the first time I've seen him off the battlefield. He seems much more comfortable out there than in the city - I don't think he likes wasting time he could be using fighting the Twilight's Hammer or the Burning Legion. We walked around for a while, and I tried to have a conversation with him, but I think I ended up simply babbling at him; if he minded, he didn't show it.

He's very quiet when he's not shouting orders or battlecries. But he seems to be a good person - apparently he's helped at least one Draenei learn Common - a fellow paladin he introduced as Miriori. Hopefully we can meet again - she seems like someone who would be nice to chat with sometime.

(a series of peculiar crinkles crease the page here, and a few small, inky paw-prints are visible, as if something walked across it)

Liopold wants attention - he's probably wondering when Settana will come back to spoil him some more.

I don't have the heart to tell him she might not BE coming back.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(This page is rather damp.)

Settana is alive - Merriana, Janaelle and Ranavos have all heard from her; I'm at once relieved and slightly hurt that I only heard this secondhand, and rather late after the fact - but such a petty sentiment shouldn't even be on my mind. She's alive, and that's what matters.

I asked Merriana to send word to her that if she needs me for anything, she need only ask.

Patrols went as usual today - Captain Stouthammer seems very glad that I've started taking military work again. Says a soldier's heart will do that to someone - make them restless when they're not in the field.

Funny, I used to dream of a job behind a desk, but now that I've had one for the last several months - I think he's right. I hope he'll forgive my eavesdropping on his conversation with Merriana and that Worgen - "Loboes," I think he said. I know I should just tell him that I want more involvement with dealing with these cultists - perhaps now that I'm getting back into his line of work, he might be more keen on it.

Visit to Dornaa is coming up soon. I'm still anxious, but she's expecting me. I can't let her down for the sake of my own trepidations.

Gave Liopold a bath today. I think he's still upset with me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

*A few pictures of Evolyn and a draenei child are tucked between the pages - looks like Ev and Dornaa went trick-or-treating together.*

I hope I never see another piece of candy again as long as I live. Bleh.

Dornaa is doing great - I can already sense how strong she's gotten; Nobundo must be an excellent teacher! She seems to have grown a little from the last time I saw her, too! She looked like she was eager to get away from studying and training for a while, though - even if it was only for a few days.

I've picked up a few tomes on Enchanting - I've been slacking too long with my studies. Fortunately Ranavos was able to lend me one of his as well. I made Liopold a ball of string that moves around on its own, but he doesn't seem too interested in it - mostly just sits and watches it.

Notes:

Deliver letter to Jheel

Find Lightening Enchantment for Ran's tome

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I came back from a four-day assignment in Vashj'ir to find Settana wants to kill Ranavos. I've seen that look in her eyes before - I don't know if I can stop a fight from breaking out this time.

The part of me that knows what liches and necromancers are capable of wants to help her, but the part that was raised to believe everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves compelled me to get his side - to warn him. He didn't seem surprised - or grateful. In fact, he seems to think I'm wrapped around Sett's little finger, "just like everyone else."

He told me that he isn't going to create any more liches - but I don't now how much he is teaching whoever may have taken him as a mentor - or how much of what he says can be believed. But, the only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him.

Settana probably won't forgive me when she finds out, but I can't approach this without a clear view.

Yesterday, I learned Merriana was attacked - I don't know by who or what, but her hair has turned white, and I saw something cut into her face - it looked like a word, but I was too busy trying not to stare to make it out. Settana is worried for her as well - which works just fine for me. The less her attention is on me for the moment, the better.

(a large, wet stain crinkles the page here, smudging some of the writing.)

There is STILL seawater in my sinuses! This is the last time I let the shamans cast that waterbreathing spell on me! I'm learning the bubblehead spell they use on the infantry and sticking with that!

(another, smaller one appears here.)

How much is in there??! It's been days!!!

Merriana suggested washing my sinuses out by pouring warm water from a narrow-spouted kettle into my nose - why would putting MORE water in there help?!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sett found out - funny enough, from me. She pulled me aside to find out more about the Cultist who tortured Merriana, but I was so tense I blurted it out.

We fought - and I said some things I shouldn't have. I think it's going to be a very long time before Sett will ever speak to me again.

I know how much pain the Scourge has caused Settana - were I in her shoes, I'm sure I'd feel as she does. But I will not let myself be drawn thoughtlessly into her fervor - I will make my own decision.

Rylaan was a human being, living and breathing - Arthas was a Paladin. Race and creed do not dictate one's actions; anyone can be a monster. I just hope the reverse is true as well.

I just wanted to give him a chance to prove himself. I would have done the same for Settana, were their places reversed... though I doubt she would care to know this now. I decided it best not to tell her what Merriana told me.

But sooner or later, I will have to tell Tarenar that I stood up for a Lich.

I just wanted do the right thing. Is that so horrible a crime?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I never realized how extensive Jan's life story is until tonight - I came to the Recluse to study, and ended up helping her tell it to anyone who was sitting at the table. Apparently there are also parts of that story I didn't know.

It gives me mixed feelings knowing that there are things I still don't know about my sister, even having grown up with her - I suppose having someone to whom you tell everything makes one hope that they do the same for you. But then again, I wouldn't want to have to relive every embarrassing or painful detail of my life just to satisfy someone's curiosity.

I let her know she can talk to me about these things, but other than that, I'll have to let it go for now.

Besides, if she were to tell me everything, she'd probably drop from exhaustion before she got to the part where she leaves the Orphanage.

Settana was with us tonight - she only rarely spoke up, but I could feel her gaze burning into me the whole time - or maybe that was just my shame.

She stopped me as I was about to leave, and asked me for a favor - after seeing what Ranavos did to her, I'm not about to refuse. I made a terrible mistake trusting him, and now I have to accept the consequences for my choice - she has that wound because of me.

The request itself is somewhat outside my area of expertise, but it's just a matter of finding the right texts.

She doesn't seem angry - at least not outwardly. In fact, I've never seen her calmer.

I feel like I'm trapped in the split second between the fuse burning out and the bomb exploding.

(There's a piece of paper tucked into the pages - it's a list of herbs. Some common species, some uncommon ones, some troll blood; it seems like they'd be relatively easy to... wait a second - "Troll Blood"...?)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's been four days since I told Tarenar about Ranavos. I couldn't keep it from him - I wouldn't. I've abused his trust enough. He seemed appreciative of that at least, even as he told me he never wanted to see me again. I can't blame him, and as much as it hurts, I know I'm the one at fault.

Gave Settana that draught. I would have asked what her plans were for it, but I doubt I would have gotten an answer.

More and more I regret my decison - something is very wrong with Ranavos. His eyes have changed color, and earlier tonight at the tavern I saw him staring at me from the top floor. I tried ignoring him and focusing on the conversation between Jan and Settana and "Vegetable," but then I felt him in my head.

I didn't realize how hard it would be to try and force him out - he was taunting me all the while, even as I put all of my willpower into it. Thank the Light Jan threw that rock - I don't know what would have happened otherwise.

I've dug up some of my old notes and formulae - I'm making another trinket like the one I made Jan. I will not have Ranavos inside my mind again.

The next few days are going to be difficult and dangerous.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Since the Siege of Wyrmrest Temple and Deathwing's Fall, everything's been a blur - I completely forgot about my journal.

It is done - the Destroyer is dead. Watching the battle from the deck of the Skyfire was unreal - I know not who those heroes were, but they saved us all.

It's strange - I'd forgotten what it feels like to rest for a moment, without the looming fear that he may be just over the horizon, ready to turn everything for miles to ashes. The gray tinge to any of the Alliance's victories - however fleeting - has been lifted at last. It's almost frightening, being able to sleep without being frightened!

Dornaa is all right - I was never happier to see her smiling face. I'm debating with myself whether to tell her about the letters I wrote to her and Tarenar - in case I didn't make it back. I told Mrs. Barleymalt to mail them if I didn't come home... but the moment I walked in the door, she tossed them into the fireplace.

Tarenar... I'll have to see him as well - and soon. I sent him a letter this morning. What we had can't be brought back just as it was in the beginning - and I don't think either of us would want that anyway. so I'm not going to try. I've been trying to deny it the whole time, but this was never going to last. We're too different; we always have been.

Our problems numbered more than I can count, most all of them my fault. He's a good man, and he deserves much better than I gave him.

I can never be what I was to him before, but at the very least, I want to apologize, make amends, and part ways on good terms. I still love him - but not the way I did before, and I think it's mutual. Jan thinks I can save the relationship, and this I will try to do, even if the best we can be is friends - but trying to force it, to salvage it and try and make it what it probably shouldn't have been at all, is pointless. Clearly, I am not ready for this.

Jan and Trigin have been together for years, even if they only married a few months ago. Mrs. Barleymalt was married to her husband for over a century and a half before he passed. It boggles my mind to know that - I don't think it was even a year Tarenar and I were together, and she was married as long as I've been alive, six times over.

She said you can see what makes a good marriage by tossing a few rocks at a wall as hard as you can. I tried asking what that meant, but she just gave me hot chocolate and cookies and asked what my plans for Winterveil were.

I'm going to have to look for gifts soon - I wasn't even thinking about it! And after that, I'm going to have to try that rock-throwing sometime. I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to see when I do it, though...

NOTES:

WINTERVEIL GIFTS

-DORNAA -

-JAN - Tools? Toolbox? Engineering? Gadget?

-TRIGIN - New knife? Enchantment for one of his? As if he'd let me near them...

-SETTANA - ?????

-MERRIANA - ?????

-CAPTAIN STOUTHAMMER

-MRS. BARLEYMALT!

-RISSA

-SOMNAR?

-TARENAR?

-MR. KENSINGTON

-UGRAZ AND FAMILY

-UGRAZ' BABIES!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(Several sheets of looseleaf parchment have been tucked into the pages, with various formulae and diagrams scribbled across them, as well as a few receipts of purchase.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(Months' worth of pages are covered in writing: notes, drawings and diagrams of spell components, ley-lines, artifacts and numerous arcane-related esoterica. Several new spells and enchanting arrays are inscribed around the borders of the pages, and breakdowns of incantations and somatic gestures, supplemented with still more notes. Someone has been very busy.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this