Thru the eyes of Ruby

Orientation, bigenderism, and monogamy

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You know, I'm not a big fan of placing too many labels on myself. I can say that I am a fairly consistent individual and don't offer up much in the way of surprises. However, one thing that has always baffled me is my fairly inconsistent history regarding relationships and sexual experimentation. That has never been static.

For many years I struggled to understand how I could selectively seek out and date women, and in another vein be engaged to a man and have no desire to be with women at all. Even more confusing was the fact that as soon as I became unattached and available, I would hit reset.

So in labeling oneself I fell back on bisexual, though it was only in those moments of singledom that I rested at the median between men and women: both desiring and loving them equally.

I realize this now and I'm still young, so I guess I'm ahead of the game, hmn?

Basically, if I desired women more or men less... well; I thought to myself, I couldn't claim lesbianism. That isn't accurate. It has come to my attention that it is my male counterpart; in fact, that is attracted to them. Not as a female desiring another, or at least not predominantly.

Every time I've felt that sublime desire to romance a woman, I've felt keenly masculine and have exhibited chivalrous behavior. I don't feel there is anything wrong with that, but does one call that same sex attraction? Confusion? Hah.

This has stood out to me more as I've reached my mid-late twenties and have gone through several relationships involving both genders, including lovers and romantic interests. I'm actually surprised I didn't notice it 'till now.

The kicker is this, I am fully capable of the complete opposite. When men have captured my attention and have held it, I can become almost sickeningly feminine and submissive. My orientation can swing violently from almost complete lesbianism, to asexuality, to heterosexual. My guess is it really depends a lot on who gets to me first.

If I were to count numbers, men have certainly been far more aggressive in doing so, perhaps that is because they instinctively hunt. So you do the math.

I'm also a complete fool for those who are passionate and romantic; and no matter what radical feminists may say, men have fed me those things by the spoonful. I've never had to demand it, it is freely given.

I've noticed that with women, the traits I look for (personality wise) are incredibly submissive and feminine; allowing me to be the wooer, the provider, the protector... the source of romantic gesture.

My desire for women; however, is waning and being replaced by the kind of contentment that comes with deeply felt love and respect. I'm coming up on 10 months with mo ghra and don't really have the desire to be with anyone else, man or woman. This has happened to me repeatedly with both genders; whichever one I'm involved with is the gear I'll be in, or I'll simply go idle.

This is why I know I'm no Aries, I'm much too loyal to be a fire sign. Loyalty is an earth trait isn't it? Not that I let my personality and fate be determined by the Zodiac. Silly entertainments.

Now twice so far I have veered away from the subject at hand. This is a result of my specific feminine handicap. Hah, I kill myself... ah, not yet anyway.

So there is its, a minor epiphany that it is my gender duality that determines my orientation at any given time. Not that silly labels matter much to me, especially when I'm going mono-goose for an indefinite time. Polyamory; like monogamy, was always something I was capable of practicing depending on the person.

Interestingly enough, it has been the men who have unanimously requested monogamy, and the women polyamory. That's a bit of a mindfuck, don't you think?

-T

Updated 09-27-2009 at 01:17 AM by The_Golden_Wolf

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  1. Irontoe's Avatar
    [quote]
    Interestingly enough, it has been the men who have unanimously requested monogamy, and the women polyamory. That's a bit of a mindfuck, don't you think?[/quote]

    Nah, it just means the men find you more attractive than the women do.
  2. Esmi's Avatar
    Nah, it just means the men find you more attractive than the women do.
    Eh, no, she's attractive, that's not a doubt... however were these women bi-sexual/pannsexual/whatever or Lesbians? I notice that most the bisexual women I run into want poly relationships.. but with lesbians they get rather clingy and wish it to not even be uttered...

    (Yes. I understand I just implied that I am clingy. *Makes a face*)
  3. Jabiba's Avatar
    Poly means absolutely NOTHING about finding someone less attractive. I would accept a well fought argument if it were cheating, but Poly isn't cheating and is its own thing.

    I've noticed that while a lot of guys think, "oh lesbians, hot!" end up being shallow and don't want their girls dating women because its another person to compete with. (and in Poly, you're not competing, the love is equal, each in their own unique way)
  4. The_Golden_Wolf's Avatar
    Eh, no, she's attractive, that's not a doubt...
    Aw shucks /blush

    I don't think he meant it as an insult though (I donno maybe he did), but rather I have traits and features that are more attractive to men?
    however were these women bi-sexual/pannsexual/whatever or Lesbians? I notice that most the bisexual women I run into want poly relationships.. but with lesbians they get rather clingy and wish it to not even be uttered...
    Bisexual/pansexual, I guess. Granted, if you take a look at my confusing behavior, many lesbians didn't want to take the chance... understandably.

    However, I was never wishy-washy about persuing women. But, there's no way to know that at first. Hmn.
  5. Raziel's Avatar
    I meant to tell you the other day, but now that I can remember and have the chance, I am giving you your new nickname. It's Gerty.
  6. The_Golden_Wolf's Avatar
    Gerty? At least it's not Pat.
  7. Raziel's Avatar
    Gerty Mac, to be more precise.
  8. The_Golden_Wolf's Avatar
    I'm scared. Do I dare JFGI?
  9. Raziel's Avatar
    You do whatever you want to do.

    I get cut off in 3 minutes anyway.
    You'll have to figure it out yourself.

    I won't enlighten you, but I can show you the way to enlightenment.
  10. The_Golden_Wolf's Avatar
    You do whatever you want to do.

    I get cut off in 3 minutes anyway.
    You'll have to figure it out yourself.
    NO DONT LEAVEEEE. I DONT KNOW HOW IM HELPESS!!11
  11. Irontoe's Avatar
    James Joyce's [u]Ulysses[/u]. Gerty MacDowell exposes herself to the protagonist during a fireworks show. The color of her undergarments evokes the Virgin Mary, and the public masturbation scene is supposed to be a commentary on the Roman Catholic Church in Ireland. I think. I don't remember much about it.
  12. Raziel's Avatar
    There's more than it than that.

    Anyway, I departed her this morning with a link to the entirety of Nausicaa. So she has enlightened herself in that regard.

    If anything, perhaps it may instigate her picking up the whole book and reading it. That can't be a bad thing.
  13. Irontoe's Avatar
    [quote]There's more than it than that.[/quote]

    I figured, heh.
  14. The_Golden_Wolf's Avatar
    I do enjoy reading, not much else for me to do. I have the Odessey, but not Ulysses.