Thru the eyes of Ruby
Orientation, bigenderism, and monogamy
by, 09-27-2009 at 12:04 AM (1206 Views)
You know, I'm not a big fan of placing too many labels on myself. I can say that I am a fairly consistent individual and don't offer up much in the way of surprises. However, one thing that has always baffled me is my fairly inconsistent history regarding relationships and sexual experimentation. That has never been static.
For many years I struggled to understand how I could selectively seek out and date women, and in another vein be engaged to a man and have no desire to be with women at all. Even more confusing was the fact that as soon as I became unattached and available, I would hit reset.
So in labeling oneself I fell back on bisexual, though it was only in those moments of singledom that I rested at the median between men and women: both desiring and loving them equally.
I realize this now and I'm still young, so I guess I'm ahead of the game, hmn?
Basically, if I desired women more or men less... well; I thought to myself, I couldn't claim lesbianism. That isn't accurate. It has come to my attention that it is my male counterpart; in fact, that is attracted to them. Not as a female desiring another, or at least not predominantly.
Every time I've felt that sublime desire to romance a woman, I've felt keenly masculine and have exhibited chivalrous behavior. I don't feel there is anything wrong with that, but does one call that same sex attraction? Confusion? Hah.
This has stood out to me more as I've reached my mid-late twenties and have gone through several relationships involving both genders, including lovers and romantic interests. I'm actually surprised I didn't notice it 'till now.
The kicker is this, I am fully capable of the complete opposite. When men have captured my attention and have held it, I can become almost sickeningly feminine and submissive. My orientation can swing violently from almost complete lesbianism, to asexuality, to heterosexual. My guess is it really depends a lot on who gets to me first.
If I were to count numbers, men have certainly been far more aggressive in doing so, perhaps that is because they instinctively hunt. So you do the math.
I'm also a complete fool for those who are passionate and romantic; and no matter what radical feminists may say, men have fed me those things by the spoonful. I've never had to demand it, it is freely given.
I've noticed that with women, the traits I look for (personality wise) are incredibly submissive and feminine; allowing me to be the wooer, the provider, the protector... the source of romantic gesture.
My desire for women; however, is waning and being replaced by the kind of contentment that comes with deeply felt love and respect. I'm coming up on 10 months with mo ghra and don't really have the desire to be with anyone else, man or woman. This has happened to me repeatedly with both genders; whichever one I'm involved with is the gear I'll be in, or I'll simply go idle.
This is why I know I'm no Aries, I'm much too loyal to be a fire sign. Loyalty is an earth trait isn't it? Not that I let my personality and fate be determined by the Zodiac. Silly entertainments.
Now twice so far I have veered away from the subject at hand. This is a result of my specific feminine handicap. Hah, I kill myself... ah, not yet anyway.
So there is its, a minor epiphany that it is my gender duality that determines my orientation at any given time. Not that silly labels matter much to me, especially when I'm going mono-goose for an indefinite time. Polyamory; like monogamy, was always something I was capable of practicing depending on the person.
Interestingly enough, it has been the men who have unanimously requested monogamy, and the women polyamory. That's a bit of a mindfuck, don't you think?