Rebirth

[Malethia]

((The following 'essays' are essentially journal entries for the character in question, since she doesn't currently have access to the physical book, and I didn't want to start a new thread there for a temporary situation.))

Death really isn't as permanent as it used to be. We all know this. After all, when the great heroes of the age have their souls yanked back from the blink of oblivion every time they fall in combat, death becomes an inconvenience instead of a tragedy. When an entire race of walking corpses forms a new civilization, death becomes just another step on the path of life.

Of course, not everyone is spared their final fate by the hand of destiny. Not everyone is allowed to walk the earth again by a magical plague. The truly mighty have been given this gift (or curse, as some of the undead believe); the little people, the generic masses who never impact the world beyond their own petty lives, simply meet their end and become but a speck on the stage of history.

So, when I tell you that I died not too long ago, you may or may not be impressed by the fact that I still exist to write this.

The irony for me is that my death gave me a new chance at life. I was strong in body, but my heart was unsure and torn between so many directions I could never hope to hold myself together. In my weakness, I gave in to the darkest corners of my heart; my fears, my insecurities, my angers burst forth and left me half-crazed.

I should explain. My power comes from the Light Primal, the universal source of holy energy. Priests access it through faith, paladins through training and discipline, Blood Knights through ritual. I was given a direct link to it by the naaru M'uru, source of the Blood Knights' powers. I was supposed to be one of them, but apparently something in me drew M'uru's attention on the eve of my initiation. I walked the streets of Silvermoon for years, hiding my true powers because I was terrified of the stigma and outrage that my fellows would bring down upon me.

The love of another convinced me to allow my true self to come forth. I abandoned the facade of the harsh mistress. That was were it all went terribly wrong.

It turns out that the mortal mind is not meant to process the raw power of the Light Primal. The force of such raw emotion is too much for us to handle. It is only through a filter of ritual and disipline that we can accept that which we are gifted with. So when I abandoned that, when I left behind everything I had learned in the Order, I began to burn out. I suffered horrible mood swings, paranoia, periods of insane rage.

In the end, I drove away anyone who may of remained to care for me. In that horrible moment, I gave up. I allowed myself to be consumed utterly by my powers. I allowed the dark side of my heart to take command. I allowed myself to die.

For the sin of cowardice, I am forever marked. My hair was once the golden color of a ray of sunlight. Now, it is the black of deep shadow.

I can't really remember what the beyond was like. I imagine losing those memories is part of the deal that allowed me to return. I do remember watching events on Azeroth, I remember seeing everything grow darker. Those I had known allowed despair to settle in their hearts, much as I had. There is only more darkness to come, and heroes of Light will be needed to stem the tide.

I have been allowed to return. I know that I must return the Light to those who have lost sight of it, but I do not know how I will go about it. After all, how can I inspire when I myself gave in? Still, I must try; failure in this will mean the end of everything I hold dear.

This new body feels strange to me, as if I were staying in a home not my own. Still, I must hold this celestial form to use my gifts, or I would only suffer the same fate again. I have to remember that my strength is no longer in my body, but in my magic.

For now, I have chosen to disguise my identity until I can grow strong enough to yet again stand beside those whom I was served with. My former comrades don't seem to have noticed so far, including the woman I loved, when I stood before them. After all, how noticible is a shadow-haired trainee priestess compared to a mighty golden-haired paladin?

So for now, I travel Azeroth, training my magic for the day I can step back through the Portal and rejoin the fight in Outland. The fight will soon be brought back home though, and that is when I must be ready.

[Malethia]

Good and Evil.

There are very few beings in this universe that are inherently one or the other. Naaru are inherently good, Daemons inherently evil, composed as they are of the universe's base energies of their respective philosophies. Most of the rest of us have been granted the ability to choose our own path, be it good, evil, or somewhere down the middle.

In my previous life - towards the end at least - I was often considered weaker than the Blood Knights because of my faith. Pure stigma, because my basic philosophy never changed even from my time in hiding, and my strength was never questioned as a Blood Knight.

The mistake that those of an evil bent make is that those who are good are inherently weaker, because we are unwilling to go to any length to accomplish our goals. I would say that in fact that we are stronger for it, for exercising the restraint and force of will not to debase ourselves for our whims.

I failed to serve as an example my first time through. That failure may prevent me from being able to serve as an example now. Clearly my example must be through action; once my strength is returned to me, I must engage evil proactively in order to defeat it.

Once I reveal who I really am - and given the fact that my eyes still glow white, someone who knew Malethia as she was towards the end will surely start to question once they see me with the same feature - I'm sure I will have enemies seeking me out. Given my actions toward the end of my life, my list of friends may be small indeed. The question will be how many I am encountering now will stand beside me when they learn the person they met is a lie?

-Melchisedech has fallen, and I feel most responsible for this. He was looking to me as an example of a servant of the Light, and I failed utterly. Now he stands in the darkness, and I must oppose him directly, or he will take Lelea with him.

-I don't know what to do about Cessily. I honestly don't. I fear that the woman I loved is gone, because she thought having that side of herself made her weak. My failure did nothing to show her otherwise. She didn't recognize me at all when I stood directly in front of her. The soulbond still exists, on my end at least, but for now I've kept it firmly shut. i don't want her to know I'm alive until I'm ready. It was rather stupid of me to seek her out on Thunder Bluff, but I had to see her again.

-Something is wrong with Kelven. I could sense it when my sight turned upon him, but I couldn't tell what it was. I have to move quickly, get stronger. If I don't, Cess could be in trouble.

-Kiaransalius is the current caretaker of my home, so I've been unable to return there lest she find out I still live. She seems fine now, but the time of prophecy is coming. I worry that she won't handle it well, after watching what happened to me.

[Kiaransalius]

Good and Evil.

-Melchisdelch has fallen, and I feel most responsible for this. He was looking to me as an example of a servant of the Light, and I failed utterly. Now he stands in the darkness, and I must oppose him directly, or he will take Lelea with him.



((Is mel's thing public knowledge yet?))

[Melchisedech]

((No, but Malethia knows. ))

[Malethia]

Light and Shadow.

Not too terribly long after I named myself a Sun Knight and began crusading in my version of the Light, I started getting into philisophical debates over the nature of these two opposing forces. I was constantly told that the one couldn't exist without the other, a notion that I just as constantly waved off as nonsense. I didn't see the point; after all, without the darkness of the universe, everything would reach perfection, so the theory went.

I'm talking about events that occured only a scant few months ago, yet to me it seems as if they lie on the opposite end of a lifetime. Another lesson I only learned in death. Shadow can't exist without Light to cast it. Light doesn't need Shadow to exist - but without a Shadow to contrast it, one is in danger of being blinded and scarred by it.

Malethia hid in the Light, and without the Shadow had nowhere to shelter herself. There was no respite from the raw emotion she was constantly battered with. In the end, it destroyed her.

I realize that to an extent, I'm being literal about forces which are more abstract than I make them out to be. It's no longer abstract to me - Light and Shadow are literally flesh and blood for me now.

I'm very close to reaching a breakthrough that will allow me to shift the 'polarity' of my body from its celestial light form to a shadow form. A useful disguise for me, if anybody still believes me to be alive. Maybe they'll think I'm corrupted now. It's actually the opposite.

Shadow is Light's counterpart. Where the Light is joy and love, Shadow is pain and heartache. To continue denying that both exist within me, that Shadow is, has always been, and will forever be a part of me will only resort in the same tragic path that took my life the first time. So instead of denying it I use it like a tool, as I once used spanner and hammer. I feel the pain of my personal failures, the heartache of love denied, and use it to further the cause of the Light.

I will not be crippled by my own weakness anymore.

[Malethia]

I would make an awful spy.

I don't lie very well. Save the one lie, THE lie in my previous life, I've never been inclined to do it. It's obvious how well that worked out for me.

Even when I was living the lie, changing that one major detail, I never really lied about the rest of who I was. I still believed in honorable combat, I never condoned the slaughter of non-combatants. One version of the truth makes you a noble warrior, the other too weak-willed to do what must be done. Yet the basic tenents of my actions never changed - only that which drove me.

I could of remained where I was by simply lying to my superiors and letting them hear what they wanted. Yet somehow telling the truth instead makes me disloyal.

The lesson here is that truth and lie are not the choice of the speaker. The ability to decide the validity of a statement lies with those who hear it.

My assumed identity is a lie to my own ears. I am terrible at maintaining it; I don't answer to my assumed name half the time. I constantly say things that Malethia would say, not a simple priestess-in-training at a university. I know things that the priestess should not know, and I reveal that I know them.

I'm sure Lelea was confused that a simple priestess who's barely seen the world outside Quel'thalas would understand the nature of a metal originating from a world halfway across the nether. A priestess of my level of training should not have access to the greater rites and insights of the Light that I do. Those belong to Malethia, not the priestess.

Melchisedech is the only mortal being to know the truth of my identity. Even then, to him, the priestess was the truth until I forced him to see otherwise. My surprise is that he has not revealed the truth to others - at least, none that have approached me for confirmation. It makes me wonder why.

I hold the false truth for my own protection while I regain my strength, yet I will not hold it inviolate if the need is great. Lelea needs help, and I will not deny her my aid by witholding my knowledge for fear of discovery. Melchisidelch has twisted, and he nows knows who I am because I find it important he know that he cannot act without opposition.

Am I the priestess, or am I Malethia? I am both now. The name is simply the identifier. The truth of the matter lies solely in my actions.

[Malethia]

Clumsy, clumsy, clumsy.

I'm fairly certain I'm being tested. I keep encountering those I knew as Malethia, and I can't help but come dangerously close to exposing my real identity. The only thing protecting me at this point is probably my hair; between its color and cut, my appearance is altered enough to deflect suspicion. My eyes are the giveaway, yet they seem almost to be overlooked. Surprising, really.

My power surged last night, as if I hit some sort of invisible milestone in my training. I could feel the Light gather more solidly in my mind and body. Of course, there was also the Shadow. I can attune to it, shift my body's component energy from holy to shadow.

I assumed the form for the first time in Silvermoon. Cessily was nearby, I could feel it in my heart. I focused on the pain of being without her, the heartache she's caused in me over and over again, and I changed. To be honest, it thought it would feel like a chill spreading across my body; instead, it's almost as if a weight is pulled off my heart. It's like all the anguish that has plagued me over these years is flowing freely out of me.

I found it most interesting that my eyes continue to shine white even when cloaked in shadow. Symbolic, I suppose. There is much symbolism in the abilities I now hold as a priestess.

It's often said - by druids and rangers especially - that animals possess instincts and senses beyond anything the civilized races can manage. I'm willing to believe it, especially when Darkflame came striding up to me not long after I felt this surge. My dear hawkstrider, my childhood companion, whom I sadly neglected as a Blood Knight with my summoned steed. She knew me, despite the changes I have been through, and found me. It was good to have someone beside me who cared about me again.

Unfortunately, Kiara thinks Darkflame has been stolen - I ran into her in the Exchange, though I was fortunate not to be mounted at the time. I tried to plant the idea - the truth, as it stands - that she just ran off because she tracked down her proper owner. As far as Kiara is concerned, the proper owner is dead, so it is now a theft. I'll have to be careful when riding about, though I've discovered that the aura that shrouds me in my Shadow form shrouds her as well.

Kiara took a long look at me; I couldn't help but freeze when I thought she may put it together. I'm not ready for her to know I'm back, not yet. Selash may increase the pressure upon me when he delivers his message to her though. It's for Lelea, so I'll do what I must, but I hope the message I provided to give him access is cryptic enough to confuse her without having her hunt me down.

[Malethia]

Discoporiation is not the most comfortable of sensations.

It's a reality I must deal with now. After all, my own body is gone, gifted to another. The technique I stole from Melos and modified for my own use is clearly not yet perfected. My body exists in the material plane only as long as my will sustains it. Without my spirit's binding force, the flesh of my form dissolves back into the holy energy that spawned it.

I've learned this means I must pace myself. I have been so driven to return to my former strength that I failed to perform those most basic of requirements of the flesh. Granted, I no longer feel exhaustion, no longer feel hunger - but for as long as my energy mimics my mortal body, it mimics the needs of one.

So I rest - but this delay is costly. Those I desperately seek to save fall further into the darkness - Cessily, Lelea, Rosa. Time is running out, yet here I sit trying to hold myself together. I can't risk heading back out yet and exposing myself to danger again, for fear that I would do more damage to myself than I can repair.

Light bless them - give them the strength to hold out just a while longer. Don't let me be too late.

[Malethia]

I've figured out why I'm so bad at this secret identity thing. It's not due to lack of talent - it's because I hate hiding myself.

Cess looks at me as a complete stranger - which to her, I am. I hate it. I want to leap into her arms, tell her how sorry I am and how much I've missed her. Instead I'm sitting on this bench listening to her talk to Emmons about the cats.

Why am I still doing this? What am I so afraid of that I'm hiding in plain sight? Am I really that convinced that there are people out there who would take advantage of my weakened state to take revenge on me?

The only person who knows my real identity is the only one I know wants me dead. So what's the purpose?

How am I supposed to help Lelea when I've cut myself off from all the resources of my home?

Why do I keep playing this game of slyness with Rosalynd? Why do I try to convince Kiara of my identity as a student?

What's the point of all this awful secrecy?

[Malethia]

It feels good to be helping another again. I'm finally starting to accomplish what I returned to do.

Lelea reminds me of myself - she holds a desperate need to love and feel loved herself. Like myself, this desperation has lead to disaster: Melchisdelch has broken her rather effectively.

My power returns rapidly. The time will come soon enough when I'll see him pay for that.

She asked me how I dealt with my despair. I told her the truth; I didn't. I gave up and let myself die instead. I got a second chance, and I believe this is why - I can spare her from the same miserable path I traveled.

I hope this will be the last time I have to write down my thoughts on random sheets of paper. I've given Lelea a home in the Halls, which Cethia shouldn't have access to. To help Lelea, I have to tell Kiara who I am. She's not stupid, I'm sure she already suspects my real identity.

So that's two who know Malethia lives again, and soon three.

I remember when I met Lelea for the first time. She was so innocent, so pure. That's gone now; the world took some of it by its own nature, and the 'Father' stole the rest. She'll never be the same again, and for that I weep. She still lives though, and part of her spirit still remains within her. That is what I hope to nurture as Lelea stays with me.

She asked me to follow her outside the city so we could speak in private. Stillwater Pond - that's where it began for me. My new life, and the start of my descent, both at the hands of Cessily. I told her as much.

That's why I'm worried about how Lelea acted towards me. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it because of my own past. But she seemed interested in the fact that I had been in a relationship with another woman, and admitted she didn't see it as such a sinful thing anymore. Maybe she was just making conversation.

But then again, maybe she isn't. I don't think she's recovered enough yet to be operating completely under her own senses. If the implication was actually there, I can't. Not yet. She's too vulnerable, too emotionally scarred from her ordeal with Melchisdelch.

And I'm not ready either.