Leatherbound

[Chikt]

So I decided to start writing in a fresh new journal. A new start, I suppose. More for my own sanity than anything else, I couldn't stand looking over some of my older journal entries.

Where to start... I guess I should begin at the events last night. The party in Brill last night had a bigger turnout than what I had origionally expected. The simple disguise that I had simply did not cut it and I ended out just wearing my usual shamanistic armor for most of the night. Thankfully at least nobody seems to have paid any attention the the wanted posters hanging around. Or they don't read the papers. I felt very, very lucky.

But as it seems to be with all good things that come my way at the moment the night was short lived when Faevern was killed. He was the guy that had apparently organised a banquet. He went upstairs for some notes and, it appears, he was killed by his aide. Saturna, people called her. Though I heard her called Darkweald on multiple occasions to. She seems to have escaped for the time being, though.

My hunter training has been going well, I owe Niethan a lot for directing me to get a companion. Aroha might be annoying at times but she's really great to have around, and I don't feel quite lonely with somebody to talk to. Even if I do get odd looks talking to a raptor. It's just not the same though, I mean... I have companionship, but I still feel empty inside. I'm trying not to put it down to needing somebody to love. Because I've come to the decision that I'm just going to make an effort to go without.

I've not really seen Niethan around much, which is unusual. Though I suppose I've not really been around as often as I used to be either. But I miss talking to him. I know he believes he just has this "foil" thing going on, that he reflects other people, but I would like to think I see beyond that and consider him a really good friend. He seems to understand my dilema's and what I am going through, and sympathises with me. Other people though don't really seem to take much notice. I disagree with Sulajin all the time, Vilmah has her own problems, god knows Nojinbu is always too busy to listen. But Niethan makes an effort despite all his problems.

I'm beggining to believe I have an attraction to people with troubles, though. When I first met Sunsong she was troubled. Kimiji had troubles. God knows Niethan is pretty much trouble personified. Not trouble in the sense of they bring trouble with them but they have troubles that they are fighting with. I don't know why I would find that attractive, I think it's the side of me that just wants to help. I see somebody in trouble and I wish to help them. I'm not sure what it is that I find attractive, though. They are all very different people. And Niethan has been the only one so far I've felt sure of my feelings for.

Speaking of troubled people though, I met a Grimtotem at the party last night. She was odd and angry, but it was one of those times where I felt my senses just kind of light up and tell me that she wasn't like that through and through. And suddenly I found myself wanting to get to know her better. A Grimtotem. I hold no grudge against the singular Grimtotem out there, the many do not define the few and all that. But what the hell was I thinking?

And then I had this odd female Sin'Dorei Paladin flirting with me. Villayna I believe she called herself. Why is it that when people actually flirt with me I immediately think the worst? It just isn't something I'm used to being on the recieving end of, I guess. But immediately I had concerns going through my mind that it was a bounty hunter looking to cash in on my wanted status. She told me to contact her some time, and I suppose I might follow through if only out of curiosity. Sin'dorei are odd creatures.

I've found myself losing focus on my training as of recent, wandering Azeroth and Outland or just lazing around Silvermoon where the guards don't seem to notice me. I know I need to keep focus and to get back to work, to keep on moving. The last thing I want is to be caught by the Horde and put up on charges I am not even guilty of. I'll be put to death even before I get a chance to call for a trial. So I will just have to keep on moving and running, even if it means I am doing it for the rest of my life.

Hopefully this won't be my first and last journal entry. I'd like to get my thoughts out like this more often.

[Chikt]

That asshole.

I can't believe Sulajin. He goes and beats up Niethan, and has the gall to say that he doesn't trust me to take care of Nie? And he's there bitching at Witness to "get me my children" without a care as to Niethan's current wellbeing. How or why Niethan puts up with his crap or even fell in love with the guy to begin with is beyond me. Niethan is smarter than that. Why Witness doesn't cut Niethan off from seeing him to keep him safe is beyond me.

But then, I'm biased. I know that, even if Witness denies it's a constant, he is attracted to "stronger" figures. Which in my mind is part of the reason why he wouldn't go for me. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself. I know it seems like a lot to expect, but I sit back and watch the way others treat him and I get so angry. So I offer him a different way and offer to treat him like an equal. I screwed it up. But I'm not the father of his children and didn't beat him to a bloody pulp. And I know he'll go back to Sulajin.

EARTHMOTHER it frustrates me.

I was about ready to break Sulajin's nose during the conversation in the hall. I can't believe Vilmah could even just stand there and hear that and not take some sort of action. Both Niethan and Sulajin are members of Sanctuary. They both signed the charter. And Sulajin beating Niethan up like that steps over so many boundaries and breaks so many rules it makes me sick. But she "doesn't want to make Niethan feel worse"? For goodness sake, Vilmah, think of his safety, his health and of his children!

Speaking of Sanctuary though. I ran across Skafloc and Leoren last night. Or they stumbled on me just lazing about. Not quite sure what they were doing, but it sounded like Leoren was making Skafloc a weapon or somesuch. I decided to leave and give them their space, I didn't want to overhear anything by accident and cause myself more problems. When Skafloc left, Leoren and I talked. I am not sure what to think. The issue of my wanted status seems to be bugging him deeply. I'm not sure he considers me a friend anymore.

But anyway, back on track. I decided to head outside Silvermoon by Leoren's advice, and who else but Shadowspeak shows up. It was quite interesting, actually. We sat and started talking about this Council thing that was around before I joined Sanctuary. The discussion happened to go onto the requirement of an unbiased medium, and I realised that it sounds like what I need. I think I've changed, because while I love Sanctuary, I simply can't sit by and watch people hurt and it getting ignored. The thing with Niethan kind of set my feelings in stone. Nonetheless, I'll be sitting and discussing it with Vilmah. Though I have a feeling I know how she will react already.

I think I just have begun to learn that somethimes to guratnee peace you have to make war. And Sanctuary is currently acting without any decisive strategy or diplomacy with anybody within the Alliance. Not even Haven, really. I've not heard from any of the Haven members in a long time. And god knows the events with Sacred Fire did little to help. But there needs to be a balance in the Horde if we're going to protect our lands and secure the safety of our families, and that isn't going to happen sitting around a guildhall, bickering about who owns who's children and beating eachother up.

Maybe it's time for a change.

[Chikt]

Another day, another load of paperwork.

I decided after much thought that my place was with Sanctuary. I may believe that there is more to bringing peace than just being peaceful, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't make an effort to make peace in different ways while having it still allowed by Sanctuary's rule. I have to admit I can't help but wonder if Vilmah gave me the position as our ambassador as a means to keep me as a member of the guild or simply because she thought I would be good in the position.

Heh. A lot of people seemed suprised when I introduced myself at the meeting, though. Unless people thought at first I was simply a hunter that looked a lot like Diomades Riverhorn. When I got up on the floor and introduced myself as... well, myself, I could hear Nymare do a double-take at least.

Introducing myself as Kynasra Riverhorn, Diomades Riverhorn's close brother, to the guards around the cities seems to be working to take the pressure off me. It's simple enough, and I don't have to put on any elaborate, expensive disguises to pull it off. I approached Witness and Nojinbu about getting some help proving that I did not kill my mother, I'm just trying to find some way to do it. I'm thinking that the Grimtotem trinket I took from the crime scene might be the key. I mailed it anonymously to Gahar Deadsteel, the lead investigator for my case.

Back to the council meeting today though. I can't say I fully agree with Vilmah on several points on how it should be worked, I don't think she should be dictating how it will work just yet. We will get to that once we have the council itself set up. It frustrated me when she asked me to end the meeting and get peoples nominations for a speaker, I was completely unprepared and unaware I'd be doing such a thing. So in the name of my own sanity I just took down the names of the ambassadors for the guilds. A speaker it something we don't need right away. Possibly not at all.

Have to agree with Nymare at least. It was most definately a circus. Hopefully the next get together will be a bit more planned out.

[Chikt]

So today was rather quiet. I walked into the hall and heard pacing in the Kitchen. I knew right away it was Niethan, the footfalls were all too familiar. Ever since the meeting the other day though and a Blood Elf recognised me from the wanted posters, I've been worried sick. So I've been very cautious around Orgrimmar. Hopefully however my plan to scratch my name out as the killer of Lakona Riverhorn will follow through and I'll be cleared of that charge and suspicion cast upon my other ones, true as they may be.

But anyway, Niethan. He was having a nervous breakdown from the looks of it. The poor guy explained that this Blood Elf woman Frieya, crazy as she was, had apparently etched her name into his skin and claimed she loved him. A guy named Qabian saw it all and was cackling the whole time. Thing is, I remember quite clearly a man named Qabian speaking as an ambassador as the meeting and a woman named Frieya from the party.

Nonetheless, it was nice to have Niethan talking so openly to me, even if it was under bad circumstance, and I believe I at least somewhat convinced him that I am not going anywhere. I at least want to be a solid friendship for him, it seems that every time he finds a friend they shun him for some reason or another. I don't understand people and the way they could so easily accept a person as a friend only to later shun them when they needed help. Isn't that what friends are for?

He ended out crying himself to sleep so I moved him to the couch to rest and fell asleep on the floor. I wanted to make sure that if he woke up he'd have somebody there to talk to if he needed it. Instead he seemed quite content to rest his head on my lap and go back to sleep. I wish he could realise that he's special. Not just because he's different physically, but is a genuine and kind person at heart. All his parts are, as varied as they may be, amazing and as individual as the next person. I think all this bad just eats away at his self worth.

I hope as a friend I can give some of that back.

[Chikt]

I just can't seem to get a break at the moment. I've not heard anything about the trinket I sent to Gahar, which concerns me. But rather than having a break and being able to just spend a day lazing around the Hall like I'd planned, I instead found myself having to play daddy to Gom'zal, Sulajins son. I don't know what happened to his mother and father, they were not around. It frustrates me that I had to babysit, but at the same time I know Sulajin and Khiskiva better than to just dump their child. Something must be serious.

It wasn't all bad. It kinda triggered some sort of fatherly instinct in me, I think. It was nice to be taking care of a child like that. Though I'd likely not have been so frustrated were it a Tauren child. I know-or rather, knew-nothing about caring for a young Troll. I even tried feeding him a chicken leg. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Thank goodness for Cissix being close by, at least. Fruits, vegetables and little bits of meat are okay, apparently. Tried feeding him some mushed up banana and he just spat it out at me. Cissix had some jerkey on hand at least and that seemed to content him for a little while, but then it was right back to chewing at my fur. I still don't know where that jerkey went, surely he didn't eat it all so quickly.

Then I spent the rest of the evening-finally-relaxing with Annelia, a Sin'dorei rogue, thanks to Vilmah taking care of Gom'zal for a little while. I had myself convinced that all female Blood Elves were... not bad, exactly, but... odd. The whole thing with Lovely, and then Nymare going and doing what she did, not to mention the Paladin flirting with me at the party in Brill. I guess I convinced myself that they were just very different. Annelia is a lot like me, though. She seemed more than willing just to curl up, cuddle, and talk.

It was a rather uneventful day, at least, considering the rollercoaster ride of emotions the past couple of days have been. I just wish I could have a day off, where nothing happens for once, and I can spend the day just laying down on the couch in the hall sketching like I used to.

[Chikt]

It has been a while since I last wrote an entry.

I have been torn recently. Shadowspeak spoke the truth before about changing Sanctuary. I decided I would march with the Ghants on an Alliance city, but I would target and kill only enemies of Sanctuary. Niethan piped up about it. I respect his opinion but I do not believe that marching with agressors would be judged as a sign of supporting aggression. However, I decided to pass this time.

Then, after the Ghants attack the Honor Guard lashed out at the crossroads of all places. We attack their heavily fortified city, they attack our under-defended outposts? Honor my ass. It took a good while, but with the help of a good few, we managed to push them back out of the Crossroads. I was suprised though that none of the Ghants had come. So I decided to go to Shattrath to investigate.

Sure enough, the Ghants and a bunch of others were all gathered in the central district of Shattrath talking. Seems that they came upon several Honor Guard licking their wounds on neutral ground. But I started talking to them about my changing views. I cannot idly stand by anymore and wait for the Alliance to strike first before unleashing justice upon them.They have to learn that Sanctuary, peaceful as we may be, has no qualms whatsoever about marching into their cities and killing the people that have trespassed against us so often. The Alliance needs to learn that we will not tolerate it any longer, and will not stand by and wait.

We have to take decisive action, because sitting idly by is doing nothing.

I know much of Sanctuary will hate me for my views, and that I won't be fully accepted by them any longer. And even the Ghants will not accept me. But I do not care. I am making a stand for what I believe in, and I believe that waiting for the Alliance to throw the first punch is not a viable strategy any longer.

Even the Ghants would accept a peacekeeper into their forces, so why can Sanctuary not tolerate somebody that believes striking first sometimes may be the answer? I do not understand it. We're meant to be tolerant.

[Ninorra]

((..did Diomades forget about Nojinbu's little "excursions" into Stormwind? 'cuz.. we do this stuff all the time..))

[Chikt]

((..did Diomades forget about Nojinbu's little "excursions" into Stormwind? 'cuz.. we do this stuff all the time..))

((No, that's one of the ways he justified it in fact. Niethan argued that it was still supporting aggression.)0

[Chikt]

Finally a day off to relax a little.

I've been purposefully avoiding the guild hall as of late. It seems that every time I go in I end out having to babysit somebody. Be is Sulajin's son or a topless Sin'dorei that doesn't understand Orcish. I spent most of the day out in Arathi hunting raptors with Aroha.

She is the complete opposite to me, I swear. Where my first priority is to get the job done and get out, she seems to enjoy causing chaos. Causing it because she knows she can get it under control. She went and attacked a group of Ogres, far too many than I thought we were capable of handling. But with a little advice and some teamwork, we pulled through. I even found a very nice spear that should fetch a good price on the Auction House. I feel, even though we differ so much and disagree so often, I'm learning something from her. Like not everything is so hopeless.

And I have to admit, I enjoyed it. The chaos of the fight for survial, it was like something kicked into me that I've never really paid attention to before. An instinct telling me what to do. Though that could very well have been Aroha growling orders and recommendations to "avoid the two-by-four about to knock your teeth in." Once the fight was over, we both just slumped down... and laughed. It was like there we were, we'd just gone and willingly put out life on the line and we had survived. And it was its own reward. Like the adrenaline that was once pumping through my veins kinda faded away into this sense of... euphoria.

Did I really enjoy the fact that I'd come so close to death? Or was it the fact that despite overwhelming odds stacked against us, we managed to pull through? I can't put my finger of it, but I found myself spending the rest of the afternoon with Aroha just like that. Fighting and getting into trouble together, only to come out on the top. We got back to Hammerfall, I had a whole backpack and several satchels full of raptor skins, eggs, meat, metal and cloth. It was quite a haul. I decided not to do anything with it, stashed my bags away and relaxed a while with Aroha, just... well, talking.

Turns out she was a born and bred Wailing Caverns raptor. I'm not quite sure how these things work, how a raptor gains intelligence like that. I've seen animals with personality, that are smart, of course. But something is different about Ary. It feels like I've known her all my life, almost. Like she's just another Tauren. I sometimes forget that my companion out on the hunt isn't another Tauren, but rather, is a raptor. And she seems more than happy to remind me very often that she is a raptor. Though he biting and tail-lashing seems more of a friendly thing now than a simply cruel one back when I first gained her friendship.

I'm not sure how long we spent simply talking in Hammerfall. But it was nice to have somebody to vent my thoughts and feelings to that, while completely different from me, made an effort to understand. And I did the same for her. She ended out falling asleep, so I decided to hire out a room and left her on the bed before putting my healing stuff back on to venture into Karazhan once again. Needless to say we made great progress. Quite a few close calls there, too. I even got a nice shield out of it for playing chess of all things.

But at the end of the day I found myself, rather than going back to my room in the Sanctuary hall, returning back to Hammerfall to rest with Aroha. I don't know why, but it doesn't feel like home without her around anymore. And I can see myself falling back into that old routine of sleeping under the stars when I have a perfectly good bed waiting for me somewhere. I guess for the first time in quite a while I've felt... at ease, in an odd sense. I suppose that's what I get for spending a day not so worried about the guild or friends and focussing more on a raptor that enjoys trying to kill herself. Heh.

I should get some sleep though. My candle is nearly burnt out, and Aroha keeps smacking me with her tail and growling. I think I'll take that as a hint.

[Chikt]

And I thought yesterday was relaxing.

Today I spent most of my time not even hunting. I went out into Arathi with Aroha and we spent the day mostly wandering or relaxing down on the beach and talking more.

Went back to the guild hall tonight though. Niethan was there with his kids. It was good to see, he was smiling and actually seemed happy. I think it's the first time in all my time of knowing him that I've actually seen him genuinely happy about very little. It looks like he's actually making an effort to be happy.

The conversation went onto more dire matters in the form of this curse he seems to have. Apparently he collapsed yesterday, but somebody in the guild had to actually use goblin jumper cables to wake him up. A scary thought... but Tate did a clean sweep of his room looking for anything that might be the source and found nothing. Talking about it with Witness, we can't work out what it was exactly that cursed him, but I've come to the conclusion that whatever object did it is no longer carrying residue of the magic.

Which is reassuring, it means that a simple curse curing from a Paladin or a Priest-I think they remove curses-should see Niethan feeling healthier in no time.

Haven't seen Vil or Nojinbu around. Still need to get Vil to enchant that new shield I got. I also want to get some more hunting practice in tommorow with Aroha. Here's hoping that nothing dramatic happens in the next 24 hours.

[Chikt]

Today was fairly quiet once again, but interesting. I woke up and checked my mail to find a letter from Niethan with a boquet of white roses. But it was odd, and at first I thought it was simply him talking about a dream he had. But after I talked to Niethan about it, it became obvious that "Future Niethan" left me a letter before he went home. I suppose he'll have got my reply, at least. Even if it is pretty old by now... time is confusing. If he sent me the letter from the future, but my reply was sent in the past... he'd get my reply before he even sent the letter, right?

... I'm not going to think about it anymore.

Nonetheless, the letter sparked a realisation within me. That I'm happy with the way things are. I'm happy to be going back to the way I used to be, wandering and "being a bum" as Niethan so rightfully put it. If I only have to spend the rest of my life alone and by Nie's side as a friend and support, I will be happy. I don't expect anything more than his friendship. Though I do find myself looking back at my mistake and beating myself up, and part of me knows I'll never get that chance ever again... I can't help but wonder what it would be like. If I wasn't a fool and things had worked out the way I wished they had.

Would I be happier? Would things work out? Part of me knows that I can go back. I could try to change things. But it just doesn't seem worth it. If I made that mistake, hurt myself and Niethan the way I did, maybe there was something I needed to learn from it. Something he needed to learn from it. He needed to learn... we BOTH needed to learn to say no. Even if it was painfull. But sometimes the best intentions bring about the worst mistakes. I should have known better. And if I knew then what I did now, about how important Nie, Witness, Moment and Muir are to me, I'd not have made that mistake.

And I can't expect any second chances.

Part of me is frustrated and the other is understanding. I see Niethan go back to Sulajin again and again, despite how Sulajin has hurt him in past. Physically, even. And I realise that despite how I feel like I've known Nie for a lifetime, Sulajin has been around and been with Niethan long enough to set himself as a solid friend and support for Niethan. Just like Vilmah. I guess that, if "Futue Nie's" letter reads true, it's just time now, and nothing I've done wrong. Maybe one day he can look at me in the same light he sees Vilmah and Sulajin in. Somebody to depend upon.

I hate writing that down. It feels so... expectant. I know I don't intend it to be expectant, but I guess the best way to word it would be... desire? I don't expect it. But I desire to be that somebody he looks to when he needs somebody to depend upon. It sounds silly for something so simple. But I feel I lost a lot of trust when I made my mistake. And I guess everything I've done has been in an effort to prove myself. Not only to him, but to me as well. To prove that I'm not as shallow as I must have come accross as before. To show him that he really was that important to me, and I'd made the biggest mistake of my life.

Ugh, now I sound like I'm obsessing. Change of direction.

I saw Jobolg in the hall today. He blew something up and toppled a tower of cards Niethan had made in the kitchen. Came out covered in soot as usual. I swear, I'd not recognise him if he came out without a layer of soot on him. Just before I left he was showing Niethan how to use some sort of new cooling system that had apparently made is snow in the Guild Hall and snap-frozen Jobolg on the last attempt. But then I heard Ahua calling for me to come urgently.

It turned out something odd is happening to my fifth totem. I'm not quite sure what is up with it, but it feels like it's thrumming with power. More than it ever was before. And it just came out of nowhere. I'm not quite sure what it is, but it concerns me. I've had it put away in lockup ever since a fight I had out in Netherstorm. I was on the recieving end of a fireball from one of the pit lords in the area. Closed my eyes as it was about to strike me... only to open my eyes again and find myself back seconds before I had stumbled into it.

I knew it had a time travelling and form-displacement ability, but it's never activated on me without my knowing about it ever since I got back from Old Hillsbrad. It concerned me that the power from it might be getting out of my control. Ahua and Petaga were insistant that it was working of my instinct, but I don't want to be dodging bullets every time they're fired in my direction. Nonetheless, I decided to start carrying it around with me again. There has to be a reason for the sudden spike in power from it.

[Sulajin]

((You lot got daisy fields, and sunshine, and prancing deer while I was gone? Looks like I'll have to bring back SOME drama...

I stick with what I know. And it aint cuddle-disney Rp))

[Chikt]

Lonely.

That best describes how I've been feeling as of late, and I'm not quite sure why. I think the letter from Nie kinda snapped me back into the realisation that I am alone, and from the sounds of it, stay alone. I've considered it, and while I know there are plenty of options out there for me, I'm finding myself deciding to not follow through with them. I had origionally expected that my crush on Niethan would just fade, but really I've only been closing it out of my mind. The more I think about it the more I realise I admire every part of what makes him who he is. Flaws and all.

But then I know in the back of my mind that I've ignored chances I've had held out for me because I don't want a repeat of what happened with Lovely. I honestly loved her, but when faced with the choice between her and Niethan I chose Nie. And then got shot down for it. I guess I just miss the way I was with him for those couple of days. I enjoy being his friend and supporting him, it's invigorating. And I could do it forever. But I don't want to take the chance of missing out on being with him just to be with somebody else. I guess if I found somebody else that I thought was better than him, I'd change my mind.

But then I run the risk of losing chances because they get fed up of waiting for me. I suppose that's a good thing... I guess I subconciously made the choice that it's all or nothing. And... well, I am willing to take that risk. Even if it means a lifetime of being alone. I found myself today, despite feeling lonely, spending my time relaxing out in Arathi. Left Aroha to rest in Hammerfall. It's hard to have time alone when you hear the elements all around you, but I decided today to simply listen to them rather than talk back. And even then, it felt like their voices were dulled out by a chorus of my own thoughts.

More drama too, recently. Lovely apparently killed Hellista, only to hand herself into the Blood Knights later. And then Hellista turns up alive. Lovely refuses to listen to reason and try to get out. And I am not sure if her opinion has changed since Hellista is alive. Annelia was heartbroken, it was difficult to watch. And then when Tamora turned up, I decided it was best I left. I've little doubt Lovely has told them both all about me, and they think little of me. There was not much I could say to Lovely to convince her to let herself go. Best to just leave and not risk getting smacked in the face again... right?

And my thoughts go straight back to less pressing matters.

I don't know. Do I just want something more than I know I will ever have in Niethan? I know he's not right. I don't just see myself in him. I see more than that... but I can't say anything more to him about it, or else I'll just push him away... But then if I don't approach him, will he approach me? He had a crush on Nojinbu too... there's no telling who else he sent letters and flowers to... maybe I should just let him choose and let him be happy, rather than making the choice for him. Just be that supportive friend in the background that I've been trying to be.

I wish I knew what to do...

[Annelia]

((AWWWW!!! *bigcuddlyhuggle!* poor dio ))

[Chikt]

The past couple of days have been more eventful than I bargained for. I've not even really had time to write like I've wanted to. My excursions have been minimal as my days have been spent largely in Orgrimmar or Shattrath City. Aroha is already complaining of boredom. I do need to go out and collect some herbs though, my stocks are running low.

I've been working on a purification potion for a curse that Niethan had. We couldn't work out where the curse came from, but it's been hurting him baddly. I didn't want to risk a purge, it would be like tearing out a tree and trying to not move the soil around it. So the most viable solution seemed to be something alchemical. I work with poisons and diseases all the time, but they are by and largely natural ailments. A curse is magical. And so I didn't quite know how to tackle the situation.

After a few failed experiments, though, I managed to create just what was needed. And it seems that it was just in time, too. As I arrived in the Guild Hall to give Niethan the cure, he was in quite a state. Sulajin was trying to drag him away and take him home. And, of course, when I approached Niethan to give him the cure, Sulajin decided to be ever-thoughtful and stepped in my path. I honestly don't know what to think of the man anymore. His actions were nothing less than insane, manic even. He doesn't seem to care o much about Niethan as he does keeping Niethan in his control.

Enough of that though. I pushed him aside and eventually chased Niethan down, gave him the cure. It seems there is something wrong with Sulajin now though, or has been wrong, since he seemed to lose complete control of his powers. I didn't know how to approach the situation, but thankfully with Niethan cured he got Sulajin back under control and the Guild Hall wasn't burnt down.

I felt bad leaving Niethan with Sulajin, but I think he understood why I walked away. I did not want to intrude. I think he understands that I am making the greatest effort to not step in where I'm not wanted. I waited outside and he eventually came out and gave me a hug. It really caught me off guard, the only other time he's given me a hug like that was back before my mistake with Lovely. I mean, I've hugged him since then, but that's just it-I've hugged him. Maybe I'm looking too much into it. I think I simply proved to him that I would go by my word and come to his rescue whenever he needed it.

Though I have to admit, recent events... well... have made me feel closer to Moment and Witness. And it's nice, very nice. Though I'm not sure Niethan is aware yet, I don't know if it's my place to approach him and talk to him or leave it up to Moment and Witness to decide... heh, it still feels like a dream. I feel like a boy that just got their first kiss. Giddy, I guess. It's nice to feel... connected to somebody like that again. And I learnt a lot about myself in the past few days than I have in the last couple of months.

It feels like I'm back to square one in life, sort of. Like I've come full circle personality wise. Like all that growing I've done and all that I learnt was to bring me to the realisation that, hey, I'm not all that bad after all. I'm not going to start bragging, but I've really begun to look at myself in a different light. No longer the simple Tauren Shaman, but a healer, a support for friends and strangers alike. A veritable fluffball of love. Heh.

Hopefully I can work out what is wrong with Sulajin. Not just for Niethan's sanity but for my own, too.

I hope things keep up like this.

[Chikt]

Seems my emotions are just all over the place as of recent... not really in the mood to even think about what I should write. I might go out and wander with Aroha for a while.

[Chikt]

So this journal entry is being written in the morning rather than at night as usual. Yesterday was fairly quiet, I felt quite low actually. Had a talk to Niethan about what it is that makes me happy, and he recommended I talk to Aroha. But how do you tell a person that already knows how you feel that it's them that would make you happy? Aroha said I should take on more of an active role. Be there for Niethan more often and don't hold back so much. But it scares me that doing that will just push him away. I don't want to come accross as needy or creepy. But at the same time, I can't simply give up on him either.

I think I said a few journal entries ago that I was happy alone. I think I was lying to myself. I'm not happy alone. I love my friends and I miss them when I don't have them around. But what do you do when you want something more? When you know who you want it from, but you already screwed it up and now there's no going back? I didn't even realise it up until now, but I've gone and put my heart and my happiness in Niethan's hands and he doesn't even know about it. I guess if he's ever ready to acknowledge or embrace that he will. For the time being I have to learn to be happy as I am. And I've proven I can be.

I think I might go out and meditate in Stranglethorn.

[Chikt]

I've spent the last couple of days relaxing and meditating mostly. Aroha has been there by my side every moment and we've had a good time just relaxing and talking. I'm only just now realising I have more in common with her than I first thought. I always felt an odd connection to her, I guess I just never fully realised why. But now after spending more time with her, I realise she's a kindred spirit of sorts. She's everything I'm not, and yet, at the same time, I find I relate to her? It's difficult to describe.

Needless to say, a lot of time was spent conversing about the whole situation with Niethan, Witness, Moment and Muir. And I'm beggining to see Aroha's logic. At least if I take a more forward approach, I can get my feelings and frustrations out there and then be able to step away to stay as a friend. She asked me what I expected from talking to Niethan about my feelings, and I honestly had no idea what to say. Do I expect anything to come from it? No. I hope something might. I guess all I expect is that I'll stay friends with him even if it doesn't go right.

That wasn't the only matter we talked about though. We spent a good time just discussing the world and things around us. Ahua and Icutu joined us at one point of time. The conversation ended out slipping to my Fifth Totem. It's energy has been fluctuating fairly dramatically, and we all came to the conclusion that it's reacting to my current state of well being. I'm up and down at best. It's not dangerous as it is, it's just unpredictable and won't be of much use if I'm feeling low. Guess I really will have to take decisive action. If only for my own sanity.

Here's hoping things go well.

[Chikt]

Well, it's been a while since I wrote.

Not much has happened, really. It's been quiet. Aroha and I decided to back down from hunting and have started going out and spending a good portion of our time just travelling and gathering herbs. It's been good fun, actually. But it seems that every time I get a nice surplus of supplies, it gets eaten up within the day. Providing for a guild is hard. I seem to keep running out of Felweed, but have a surplus of Mana Thistle just sitting in my bank. I keep having to spray it with water so it doesn't dry up. Way too backwards. I think I've only got one felweed blade sitting in my bag right now. Too much of a heacache to go get some more today though, I'll get some sleep first and do it tommorow when I'm free.

Things with Niethan have been going well. It seems that Witness wishes me to not approach him at all about the thing with Moment though. I suppose I can live with that, but I hate keeping the truth from Niethan. Nonetheless, I didn't get to talk much about the whole relationship thing either. Witness said I should approach Muir about it instead, and I'm slowly learning to tell him apart from the others. It's difficult though, since Muir seems to retain everything that he was. He IS Niethan, Witness and Moment. Niethan is the emotion, Witness is the logic, and Moment is the instinct. I understand now how they function.

I had a good idea before at least, but understand moreso now, that is.

Muir seems to embody all of them. He's instinctual, logical and emotional. He doesn't talk like Witness or act like Moment, but he seems to wear his emotions on his sleeves much like Niethan, and so it's difficult to tell them apart. I can see how people could mistake the two of them. I've refrained from saying either Niethan's or Muir's name, until I can tell who is out at the time. Muir has a habit of referring to himself as Niethan as well, seemingly from frustration that he got mistaken so often. I don't want to mistake him either.

Nonetheless. I got rid of my robe finally, replaced it with a great new chestpiece. It matches my pants! Though I have to admit, I miss all the purple. It's nice to see that my fur is still it's turqoise color though.

[Chikt]

I haven't wrote in my journal for far too long.

A lot has happened since my last entry. I talked to Niethan on several occasions and I'm just not sure what to think he thinks of us anymore. I decided to spend some time away from the Hall with Aroha out doing work for the Netherwing as such, I am not sure how to act around him when I see him now, because I don't know how he sees me anymore. I guess I am just taking a step back. The ball is in his court now. I said all I needed to and acted how I know was right, and when he's ready he'll see me again.

I've been experimenting with the whole... changing thing, as well. I like who I am and am not too sure about swapping back and fourth with people knowing. So I've actually begun using it as a sort of undercover thing to help my investigations. I've not learned much yet, and am still trying to get the way I act just right to be convincing. But it certainly beats trying to hide behind bushes and eavesdrop.

Speaking of the Netherwing though, they awarded me a while back with a young whelping named Akenai. At first he only followed me around when I was in Shadowmoon Valley, but now he seems to follow me around all over the place. Not exactly very talkative though, but I enjoy his company. Aroha seems wary of him but warms up to the little guy every time he hitches a ride on her back. It's fairly amusing to see a raptors expression go from "I'm going to bite your head off" to "That is way too adorable to chew."

He's getting bigger, too. I'm not sure how much longer he'll be able to sit on Aroha's back without breaking something.

The Dragonmaw don't seem to suspect anything though, which is reassuring. I've been doing my best to keep it on the down-low and do my work for them swiftly and accurately. I'm quickly climbing the ranks and expect that in no time I'll have gained enough trust to really make a decisive strike at them for the Netherwing.

Speaking of which, it's absolutely halarious to spend a whole day flying around their little island working against them, return to the Aldor encampment and get rid of the residue of my disguise, and then fire my flare gun and decimate the same forces that I saw flying around that day. It's odd that their leadership thinks nothing of all the lost soldiers during my 'attacks', but I won't bother questioning why they would be stupid enough to think they're achieving anything.

Besides things calming down with Niethan, I've also had a couple of run-ins with Sulajin giving Anthek trouble. I don't trust that troll anymore. I swear the man has gone insane. But I'd rather not think about it.

Anyway! I should get some sleep. I have a long day of poisoning Peons with mutton allergies tommorow.

[Sulajin]

poisoning Peons with mutton allergies tommorow.

((Spring is here! Spring is here! Life is skittles, and life is beer! I think the loveliest time of the year, is the spring, I do. Don't you? 'Course ya do...

But there's one thing that makes every spring complete for me. And makes every Sunday a treat for me...

All the world seems in tune, on a spring afternoon when we're poisoning pidgeons in the park! Every sunday you'll see my sweetheart and me as we poison the pidgeons in the park!"))

[Chikt]

((Spring is here! Spring is here! Life is skittles, and life is beer! I think the loveliest time of the year, is the spring, I do. Don't you? 'Course ya do...

But there's one thing that makes every spring complete for me. And makes every Sunday a treat for me...

All the world seems in tune, on a spring afternoon when we're poisoning pidgeons in the park! Every sunday you'll see my sweetheart and me as we poison the pidgeons in the park!"))

((But seriously, they're FEL ORCS. What is a Fel gland squeezed onto a slice of mutton going to do to them? Just make them more Fellier! I bet they have a mutton allergy.))

[Chikt]

Things have been super quiet around the guild hall as of recent. So I decided to go on a trip. Despite telling her to stay behind, Aroha insisted on coming too. I was going to go and find out what exactly happened down in Silithus when my father and I fought, and what exactly it was that happened to him after the fight.

I didn't find out too much though, unfortunately. Most of my time has been spent wandering in my more exploration-centric gear. Not so much weight. But I did find out that the deals my father made to try and get my totem have fallen apart, and now he's working on his own. Not very reassuring seeing as how the guy set me up to be executed as an enemy of the Horde. I have to wonder though about why he made the deal. What more could he have gained? I know this is all about the 5th Totem, but with that alone he'd not need Ragnaros. What sort of offer could Ragnaros have made to convince my fa... to convince Rokoce to hand over the totem if he gained it?

My search in Silithus hasn't revealed too much in that respect, but I do know at least from reports that my father was sent back to Thunder Bluff as a reward. It turns out-if what I've found out is true-that he actually made a further deal with Ragnaros to aid the cult Rokoce had joined. Because it meant mutual aid for the Grimtotem, he was shipped out of his mostly combat position into the lap of luxury as one of Magatha's many lapdogs. The question really still on my mind is, rather, WHAT he is doing exactly in that position. They call him an emissary. For the Grimtotem to the Horde. But I know my father has no patience for politics.

I think I might return home soon. Stop venturing out to Silithus so often. But I want answers, and so far, none are forthcoming.

[Chikt]

Is it wrong that I feel alone even though it's my choice?

I don't know why I feel alone. It's difficult to describe. And even though it's been my choice to be where I am now, to stand where I stand, I dislike it. It feels like the mysteries around me and the anger at my father are taking my attention away from those important to me. Or is it just that I've become out of touch? Am I doing something wrong? Am I venturing off on my own far too much, and without me around my friends are falling apart?

That's what it felt like when I came back to the hall today. Jeedup was there, then Niethan arrived and collapsed. It turns out he's been having nightmares... "visions" of Que'dup, Jeedups father. Jeedup took offense because, apparently, in the vision Que'dup is being an ass. And Jeedup nearly killed Niethan as a result. Then Niethan started beating himself up for standing his ground, for defending himself against Jeedup. I just don't understand. What bought this on? Why is everything crazy all of a sudden? I left and things were quiet, and then it's like the moment I get back things begin to fall apart around me?

I decided to leave the hall, go and do some work for the Netherwing. Next thing I know, the overlord of the Fel Orcs out on Netherwing Ledge calls me over, announces that I am going to be the new Highlord. I knew straight away this wouldn't end well-Niethan told me what happened to him. Next thing I know, Illidan arrives in a fairly rag-tag ceremony, I'm suspended in mid air without my disguise, and then am whisked off to Shattrath on the back of the Netherwing agent I was working with in a flurry of arrows and fireballs. I feel fairly lucky for having made it out without a behind full of iron and wood.

Upon arriving to Shattrath though, I was approached by a Netherdrake-one of the... mid-teens? I'm not sure. But he's huge, bigger than me. Introduces himself as Suroku, and tells me that he wants to join me on my adventures. I was more than happy to oblige. Suroku is one of the bigger Netherwing Drakes I've seen, and he'd have to be since he insisted that he fly me around. I'd hate to see something get on his bad side, I can just imagine how ugly it might get with Suroku's strength. He doesn't at all seem to tire.

Nonetheless, it is nice to have some more company that I can speak to. I miss the conversations with more than two people partaking. Though Aroha seems to be feeling a little insignificant with our new company.

[Chikt]

So the Beerfest started today. I decided to go out and check it out for myself, give a few drinks a try. I needed a little pick-me-up. Okhu and Redemptio were both there already, and just as I was starting to enjoy myself Redemptio tells me she's had a crush on me for a long time. I'm glad she was drunk or else I'd feel terrible, but it certainly made me pretty un-thirsty. I decided to not stay and retreated to Silvermoon to clear my head a little and relax. Unwind and just think.

Then Niethan turned up. We ended out just talking, discussing my parents and my apparent "strength". I still don't see the strength he's referring to. More often than not I feel like I'm barely keeping it together. He said I'm stronger than Vilmah, Nojinbu and Sulajin. That the weight of the issues I have had to face, rather than changing who I am and becoming un-trusting, angry or scared, I didn't miss a beat for it. I just wish I could understand what it is that he sees in me.

We basically continued to talk and the conversation turned to us. Our relationship. How we both want to stop chasing each others tail for something we both seem to believe we can't have. It was odd just how much clarity and assuredness was in his eyes that whole time, I've never ever seen Niethan so clear headed like that. Or was it Muir? Either way, it felt like things really turned around at that point. Like suddenly the wheels on the direction my life was taking screeched to a halt and changed direction. And I could have spent hours there just hugging him and talking.

Maybe things are actually beggining to change. I can't wait to see Nie again.

[Sulajin]

((10 simple rules for dating my mutant Niethan.

10. I am in charge.

9. The children are mine.

8. You are not wanted.

7. I am still in charge.

6. Get the fuck out of my house.

5. Talk about it to me, and I'll gut you.

4. It's probably best for you to go along your way and forget this crazy notion.

3. I'm seriously debating shaving your cow hide in your sleep. I have scarabs, I can do that.

2. The children are mine. Not yours. You have no claim to them. Ever. For any reason.

1. I am in charge.


Nie said I should share that!))

[Vilmah]

I have scarabs, I can do that.

(("Yes master. Eat cow in sleep, master."))

[Chikt]

Things have been going pretty well! Things with Niethan are off to a slow start, I get the feeling we're both being cautious not to overstep any lines with eachother, but it's all very casual and sweet. It's nice to take things slow to begin with, since it's felt like so far every relationship I've ever have been in has been such a rush to just get somewhere, I never really got to fully enjoy the little things.

It's funny though, looking back at some of my previous entries, I never fully realised just how... well, silly over Niethan I really was. It's funny how much little annoying things that got to me before don't seem to be as much of an issue now. It's like I'm at ease.

But back on track. Speakin of Nie, he came to me today and asked if he could go crawl under my bed. I have to admit I was a little taken back. I've known Niethan to crawl under things on occasion-namely the couch-whenever scared, but never under a bed 'just because'. After speaking to him to get an explanation I have to admit I was a little embarassed. My scent puts him at ease? I suppose with Moment and his increased animal instinct and sensory perception I'd have a distinct smell. I had to laugh a little though when he claimed the reason he didn't ask to sleep in my bed was because he didn't want to bother me. Riiight. Yes. I'd never want that to happen EVER.

I got to talk to Vil today for the first time in what feels like months. Even if it was quickly over and done with. It turns out Nojinbu has basically gone missing to "do justice" and left her to parent a child all by herself. I can't help but feel it's extremely irresponsible. But then, Nojinbu has been acting odd-what with ignoring Niethan and all. I hope he's alright. Sanctuary isn't the same without a resident one-eyed drunkard that stabs people.

People seem to be noticing the Scepter of Sha'tar now. I'm just wondering when somebody is finally going to perk up and ask "what gives". I have to admit when I found it during that run into the Mana Tombs I was fully expecting the Naaru would want one of their most prized relics back to put on some sort of glowing, righteous mantelpiece. But instead they let me keep it. I have to admit it packs quite a bit of punch, and I've got quite a few envious glares from some Paladins out there. I expected more reaction from Sanctuary though since I've been traipsing about with it clipped to my back. It's not usual for me to decide to just up and grab a two-handed mace and start using it for little reason.

Eh, maybe I'm just seeking attention.

[Chikt]

So I had a "talk" to Sulajin the other day. He claims that he and Niethan think I'm losing respect for people or that they are losing their respect for me. That I'm becoming cold. That I do not respect Sulajin because he lives with Niethan full time where I only get to see him every now and then.

I have to admit I was very offended by it all. Here is a man that only just days ago threatened Ninorra's unborn child? And he's talking to me about respect or being cold? Fucking hypocrite.

I suppose I shouldn't be so hasty to get frustrated or annoyed with him though. He did apologize for his temper at times and apparently did talk to Ninorra. He's wrong to define her by what the rest of her race is apparently like in his eyes. But then I suppose I see it being for the same reason Niethan is scared of them... some at least. Just fear.

One thing I've learnt about during my time as a shaman is what exactly my teacher meant about being like a rock in a stream. To accept and embrace change and not change so much yourself. It worries me sometimes though that I'm drifting too far off the path that I am supposed to tread, I have a very different and modern way of doing things as a shaman. That isn't to say I'm studying dark magic or not doing my traditional rituals. But more that I embrace the changes in the world around me so openly now. I think becoming a Private Investigator was the point where I really noticed just how I adopt the things around me.

Or how I don't see some things any different at all. Like Niethan. He's not so different from me on the inside. And while he may look different on the outside I accept him for who he is and really don't see him all that different from the next person. That is, besides relating to him so much. Often times he makes me feel more like a reflection of him. In a good way. It's nice to see so much of yourself in another person. He might be tin foil to other people but I see a lot more beyond that. I think he's starting to get bull-headed from me, though. Heheh.

It's just nice to know you have such an effect on people and can turn around their lives for the better.

Wow. This journal entry flip-flopped like nobody's business. Anyway, I need to get stuff done.

[Chikt]

I decided to spend some time today doing new sketches and designs. I've taken up Engineering in the hopes to bring some of my ideas to life. I figure that, combined with my kills as a Shaman and Hunter, I should be able to specialize in a kind of "elemental engineering". I've already finished my first little project, a pair of azure-lensed goggles. They're extremely simple, but they offer different levels of magnification for my drawing or while I'm working with smaller tools.

Speaking of which, I had to basically triple the recommended size of the arclight spanner after I got the schematic for it. I can see most of my stuff turning out alot... larger than other peoples designs, simply because of the scale of me. I couldn't imagine working with stuff down on a Goblin's scale. I'd lose bolts just in my fur!

I decided to give Niethan my sketch book. I filled it up today and he was talking about wanting to learn something new just because he felt like it. So I offered my sketch book. I figure he might enjoy learning stuff about me. That sketch book is full of my thoughts from years back when I first met him in the Rest Inn Peace. It's like a visual version of my journal. I jokingly told him to go through it with the lights out since it's just that scary. But in all honesty, I really do hope he's not too freaked out by the few sketches I did of him in the past few weeks.

Vilmah was frustrating me though. Niethan had fallen asleep and was leaning against my side and the moment Vilmah saw she backtracked so quickly and tried to get inside by climbing a ladder into her room to avoid Niethan and I. Then after we approached her about it she was wondering why we took it so personally. I really am with Niethan in that I'm not so sure it was just a matter of wanting to give us privacy. If we wanted privacy that bad we'd not be out in the guild hall.

And then Rolphemone made it clear that he'd done something to the stable and put the puppies, all the mounts and the like in danger of spontaneously combusting. I've never seen Niethan angry as he was when he stormed out of the hall to go save them. I decided to just go up to my room and work on my goggles.

[Chikt]

Ninorra tried to teach me to dance today. I think I picked it up pretty well and appreciated it, but I'm still not much of a dancer. The point was to learn to dance to invite Niethan to the Harvest Ball. But when I did invite Niethan he told me no dancing. I had to laugh a little on the inside. Oh well. It will be nice to go out like that, though, and I'm interested to see how he acts around the Blood Elves. I hope I can help fix his phobia. Or at least take his mind off it for the night.

My engineering is going well. Chikt is a great teacher, all his experience in the third war is extremely beneficial. It's great to be back in contact with him. Apparently he's been traveling since we last talked all those months ago, even went to Outland to learn new engineering techniques. He had quite a few stories to tell, and it was really good to actually have him telling me his stories for once rather than vice versa. He's told me that he wants to accompany me as a sort of engineering specialist, like he did before, but so he can help me with my designs and creations in future.

Back to Niethan though. I was kinda taken aback today during a conversation when he asked if I wanted to share my room with him. I have to admit the thought has definitely come to mind. How could I refuse? Heh. So it seems my nights won't be spent so alone anymore now. I have a reason to settle down, stop wandering and come back to the guild hall now more than ever. The idea is just very... cozy and sweet in my mind. I don't think I'll ever sleep so well as I will now.

Aroha, Suroku, Chikt, the Elementals and myself have been out working once more now. We took a week off just to relax and unwind after all that work I did for the Netherwing, now it's back to work. I decided it was time to go back to Azeroth and start doing some more work there. It's like everything I got done before has arisen again as even more of a problem than I first remember dealing with. Like the Orcs out in the Swamp of Sorrows, they still have extremely poor resource management. And the Broken still seem to get new and more annoying gangs that they have to deal with. The only difference now is that there are Draenei there, looking down their noses at the poor things.

No matter. It's off to the Badlands tomorrow. I think I might come home early though.

[Chikt]

I returned to Silvermoon today to find the place packed with old faces. I am not sure why there was such a large gathering, but even though I didn't get to talk to many, it was good to see some of them alive and well.

I also got to meet the one and only Evanthe Cindersong. I was wondering when the day would finally come that I'd meet my quarry. I hold no grudges however and Evanthe expressed interest in hiring me for a case. Tracking down her brother, Ephram.

I've labeled the case E06 and called it "Abductors Brother". Talking with Evanthe, she wasn't too forthcoming with details. Ephram was apparently into the party scene, disappeared without a trace while Evanthe was away for several months. Taking only a few clothes and leaving many items of importance behind. Never contacting Evanthe at all. The way she described it I am fairly sure it was a willing leaving and he's gone off to start a "new life" of sorts. It makes no sense for a kidnapper to waste time getting extra clothing for their kidnapee.

And of course, I got another case much by the same standard. A woman trying to find her nephews, heirs to a small fortune. A young man and a boy. Boy disappears first, young man follows. Boy was apparently in a mana rehabilitation facility. Usually I'd say it was an escape but the boy-Thenyitesar-disappeared first. The man, Vironyal, was his guardian of sorts. So it seems more like Vironyal has gone chasing down Thenyitesar after he's disappeared. I've labeled the case T05 and called it "The Lost Twins." How they are twins is beyond me. I suppose I will find out eventually.

[Chikt]

My chest hurts...

I discovered yesterday that my sister was dead. I knew straight away my father was to blame, so I stormed into Thunder Bluff and ended that assholes life. But at a cost. I had to destroy my totem when he got his hands on it, I knew if he had the chance he'd use it's power to simply end me without a second thought. So it's gone, and with it my abilities as a Shaman. I can't even hear the spirits anymore. The voices that I'd once complained were far too often in my ear suddenly gone, I feel more alone in the world right now than I ever have before. The sound of silence is... disturbing.

But I know the totem was not destroyed, not truly. While its physical form was decimated, it was like it had developed beyond the necessity of the simple timber that it had developed in. When I picked up the wood chips that were all that remained of my totem, I could... sense the thrumming of energy in them. I'd have tried to find a way to soak it up into something, take it with me, but I had to get out of there. The guards wasted no time in rushing to the scene, but I managed to get away. I know that this will re-open my case now. That they will trace it all back to me. But it's a price I'm willing to pay for justice finally being served.

Niethan has been supportive as ever. I was stupid for trying to keep it away from him. The scar on my chest from Rokoc's axe must have left the smell of blood everywhere. Even without a trained sense of smell I'm amazed nobody else has noticed it. You only need to look at the droplets of blood on the floor to know something is wrong. I went and cleaned them up while everybody was asleep. But people will start noticing eventually when I do not use my powers. If it weren't for my slowly developing skills as a hunter I'd feel completely powerless right now.

I need to rest more. Niethan was still in bed asleep last I checked, and the blood loss has made me so sleepy.

[Chikt]

With all my shamanistic skills gone for an unknown amount of time, and my wound needing time to heal, I've been spending much of my time in the hall sketching. Or at least, that's what people think. I know it would be seen as odd if I was caught reading a book on Runemastery, so I've slipped a copy in my sketchbook cover and read over it with my charcoal in hand. Nobody seems to have found out yet, it's still only Niethan that knows about my disappeared powers, though I have no doubt it won't be long before somebody senses the lack of elemental energy around me and I'll be caught and the truth will have to come out.

So I'm studying Rune Mastery. It's complex, dating back to the Titans it seems. Tauren have always had a knack for it, but even then actually meeting a rune master in person is rare. So I figure, with a gap to fill and time to spare, I should learn Runemastery to both replace and aid my shamanistic abilities when I get them back.

I've done a few test runes so far, they require a special ink since I can't tattoo myself like the Dwarves do. So instead they are marked on my fur in a glowing aqua color. Hiding them under clothing is easy enough, so I'm working on doing most of my tests around my chest or arms. It's amazing though, Runemastery isn't so far off from Shamanism, except it's expressed more in images. Painting wavy lines onto my fur represents water, and aids me in my ability to move more swift and agile.

So far all the experiments have been great successes, and I expect to continue doing more experiments as time goes by. It's going to be something that will take a while to master but I fully expect to understand how to do a good ammount of the simpler runes in no time. Then it's just a matter of telling my guild and getting my Totem of the Fifth back. I figure I should actually be able to bind the totem to myself using these same runes, so there will never be an issue of somebody stealing it ever again.

Anyway, I should get back to my studies. The whole underside of my bed is cramped full of books on Runemastery that I got Chikt to sneak out of the Thunder Bluff archives for me. I'll return them once I have the basics down and can start scribing my own runes without aid.

Wish me luck.

[Anthek]

((Dio should talk to Anthek about runes, he's got a couple of his own.))

[Chikt]

What a night.

I threaten to de-limb at least 4 people, get stalked and shot, Niethan gets his nose broken by somebody I once considered a friend... what the name of the Earthmother is going on with the world?

And yet despite all its downfalls I had a great time last night. Though I do worry about my time with Niethan, he was very quiet most of the night and I hope that wasn't actually because of me. Nonetheless, I'll have to rethink inviting him to such events in future, heh, he doesn't seem to have a lot of friends in the Sin'dorei. I can't help but feel that last night did less good than it did bad for Niethan's state of mind. So much for trying to help.

It doesn't matter! I can't dwell on last nights events, no matter how much I want to. Niethan pointed out to me that I had been traveling around in Ghost Wolf form so naturally last night that I didn't even realize it. And then last night I awaken several times to nightmares, covered in a cold sweat. A voice calling out my name... or... rather, not my name but a name I was once given. By Ahua. Ben'nik Dak'kun. "Spirit Walker" in the Elemental tongue.

I've been working hard on my runes, too. They are coming along naturally to me, like it's something I've always known. I'm washing out the old ones and replacing them with new ones. Or extending the markings, making it all the more ornate. I've already started working on my upper arms and shoulders, it won't be long before I've got them all over me and have perfected them to my current knowledge. Then I can add, update and design new ones as I gain new knowledge. The nightmares have convinced me that I should give myself a cover name. I know just the thing.

[Chikt]

I can't believe I'm even going to sit here and write right now after such an... eventful night, heh. But I figure for posterities sake I need to keep up my journal. At least while Niethan gets some sleep.

My studies have been going well and I've come up with a plan for events from here on out. I'm not sure I should tell Niethan, though it will be interesting to pit myself up against Moment's wits eventually, even if he doesn't fully realize it. I've got a new name and set myself up with some work to begin with as I go into the testing phases. I've got to keep this quiet for safety's sake.

There was a fairly interesting little series of events in Silvermoon tonight while I was buying supplies, I was attacked by one of the local black cats. Persistant little guy just kept clawing at my mail armor. Eventually Thoraggar-The kind hearted, fun Orc Warrior I met at the Harvest Ball-happened to pass by and taunted the cat away from me. We stood there talking about it for 5 minutes before we attracted a crowd of at least 5, maybe 7 people along with Leoren The cat was still scratching at Thoraggar's plate armor, maybe 10 minutes went by before one of the younger Blood Elves to gather went and killed the poor thing. We gave it a burial.

Leoren, Thoraggar and I then decided to go to an inn and grab something to eat. As I'd hoped wouldn't happen, Leoren asked me about what I've been up to the past couple of weeks. How do you tell your friend in law enforcement that you decapitated your father, lost your powers and have been studying Runemastery from ancient books you stole from the Thunder Bluff Library? I can barely even tell my partner, let alone my best friend. I will eventually tell everybody about what exactly has happened to me, but until that time... I know what I need to do. And I need to do it alone.

... Sort of alone.

Nie is stirring, I should get back to sleep... it's felt like it's been the longest day in a long time. I can see myself sleeping in tommorow.

[Chikt]

So I set my test in motion today. The red soil I gathered from Durotar mixed with the sticky sap from Peacebloom plants and some motes of earth turned out to be the perfect solution to keeping my cover. Rubbing it into my fur meant it wasn't dense enough to clump but was water resistant enough to not come out while swimming. My soap does a good job of removing it though. Aroha was very helpful in making completely sure it masked my scent, which is why I mixxed in the motes of earth. At first the mixture didn't do the job but the motes of earth have enough of an odor to the trained nose to make me smell like a completely different person.

The only problem really is my face. I was considering shaving off my goatee but I came to the conclusion it's pointless. I'm stuck if I do and I'm stuck if I don't. So I decided that removing my nose ring and the runes actually being obvious was enough to make me look like a new person and not just like Dio. The big test was if Niethan immediately recognized me. Thankfully he didn't. He seemed to find me familiar though and seemed to suspect something. I figure the last name I decided to use, Spiritstrider, might have bought things into question. If he knew enough Taurahe to know that Ayumu basically means both "Walker" and "Spirit" he might catch on further.

The main thing is he didn't recognize me, and Anthek didn't have a clue at all. So the plan is a go-ahead. The next time I see Niethan I'll sit him down and tell him what's going on so that he can give me the help I need. I figure he's the only one that knows me well enough to catch on to any slip-ups I might make. With his help this should be fairly easy and nobody will suspect that Ayumu is actually... well, me.

To solidify it, I've added myself to the Orgrimmar Mercenary database as well as signing up for military duty. Or rather, have been signed up to military duty since I took up Ayumu's guise. Training is rough but it is the perfect chance for me to solidify the way I act before I take it to people who know me well. I've been drawing on another side of myself, the more professional, unmoving side. I'm emphasizing being that rock in the stream and showing as little emotion as I can handle.

I know I can keep this up, at least until I get my abilities as a shaman back.

[Chikt]

I told Niethan today that I was Ayumu and about my plans. He didn't seem suprised, more curious what the point of being another person to mask the fact that I was lacking my usual abilities was. Nonetheless, I'm going ahead with my efforts. I figure this will be a good chance to do some more good around.

I overheard during a run through Karazhan that there was some large-scale attack on Tarren Mill. Leoren called it out. The moment we finished exploring Karazhan and dealing with a few little problems along the way, I got out of there, returned to Shattrath, and immediately set out for Tarren Mill. Thank goodness for portals, or else I'd never have made it in time to at least help out with finishing off the culprits. Thankfully nobody seemed to notice that I was running around with my hammer smacking people and bandaging others rather than standing on the back lines and healing.

I have to respect Keraph though. Even if he called me a "cow" upon my arrival. I suppose such a thing isn't unusual for me to come across now. I don't plan to work for peoples respect, I know that I am not likely to get it no matter what I do. But I think as Ayumu I can make more of a difference, be more unbound in my decisions. Do more good without having to worry so much about law or "justice". Like Sanctuary has been dishing out a lot of THAT as of recent. I'm still organizing the guild events and such, I just sometimes wished I had some help. Juggling two lives and the duties of both an officer of a guild and a trainee in the Horde military is a daunting task.

[Chikt]

Maybe that wasn't the best idea I've ever had.

Approaching the Kor'kron Elite as Dio was... fairly stupid an idea. They threw me into jail first and asked questions later. I wasn't sure I'd be able to get myself out of there just on my testimony until the totem turned up and was spotted talking to me while I was in my cell. When it disappeared out of thin air I think that was proof enough for the guard and I got released. Still. It concerns me that that thing is running loose.

On the bright side, my training in rune mastery seems to be reawakening my training as a shaman as well, and I even learned a few runes to benefit my shamanistic training. With all the time I had on my hands while in that jail cell I decided to focus on meditating and focussing, and I'm starting to get my abilities as a Shaman back. I still can't cast lightning bolts but it was enough that Ahua was able to find me and has been helping with my "re-training".

Nonetheless, now I have to work out an excuse as to why I was gone for so long and where... for both myself and Ayumu.

[Chikt]

So the patrol yesterday was mostly a success. The Alliance was not out in force though and so most of our time was spent wandering and then dealing with the disagreement that cropped up from my actions. I couldn't help but be frustrated, I ran these things past Vilmah a good while ago and she was all fine. I have to wonder sometimes how much attention she's paying to me when I'm running ideas by her, or if she just smiles and nods so that some work will get done in the guild while she's away tending to Rosette.

I'm doing some tweaking to the system, but completely forgot about taking preliminary marks for attendance. I suppose we will consider that first run a test run before I make the announcement to the guild about the marks and such. For the time being though I have a good idea of who it was that attended, I just don't want to give marks where they are not deserved and deserved marks not being given.

Niethan asked me yesterday if I'd leave if something big happened. It seemed really random, but then I suppose I have been gone for the week. I just hope he isn't planning anything that could have grave repercussions. I'm confident now though that he is smoking. I suppose for the time being there's little point approaching him about it. If it does make him feel better then there's no reason to bring up my issues with it. The moment things start looking bad with him though I'm going to raise an objection.

Ayumu is doing fine, thankfully. With our drill sergeant released from questioning as I was released from my cell, it doesn't look like I've gone anywhere at all to him. I'm hoping to start becomming more active in the public as Ayumu though. Even if his existence is unnecessary now, I enjoy being a side of myself I usually do not get a chance to express. Not to mention I can pick up on things as Ayumu I usually would miss as Diomades. It shall be interesting to see the general reaction once I join Sanctuary as him.

[Chikt]

It's funny how things change in just a couple of days.

I saw Vilmah in the hall today and we talked like I remember we used to. Everything with the patrol is alright. It's in the past. But I think she is hurting a lot more than she fully lets on. I mentioned there being few orcs left like Broxigan and she immediately seemed sad. The conversation about the patrols went to who used to patrol them and I knew straight away what she was thinking. Poor girl. I wish there was some way more I could help her. Single mother and looking after a guild. I suppose the least I could do would be to take care of the guild as I have been to the best of my ability.

Sanctuary seems to have had a recent influx of female Tauren. It's actually kinda scary seeing them all in the hall at the same time. I also noticed Merna's name gone from the guild roster, I have little doubt it's related to the events during the patrol.

It was funny though, being flirty with Niethan in front of everybody. It was fun being so outward about my affection and being silly to some extent. Running around as Ayumu so much and having all that emotion blocked out is difficult. But I know that if I am to become who I want to, I have to at least try to find a way to block some emotion out and let the rest in. And only Ayumu can do that. I can't let myself be weak like that again. I already lost one family and I'll be damned if I lose another.

[Ayumu]

I write this latest journal entry from Ayumu's barracks in Orgrimmar.

As I'd hoped, the drill sergeant got released right as I got back, and so training is back in full swing. Or rather was. There was a hasty graduation ceremony before I was sent out as squad leader of a small group of 5 of my classmates out to the barrens to provide intel on what else but the Venture Company. Being out here and killing them brings back a lot of memories of my training as Diomades. Only this time around a have a whole squad by my side.

The old oil mining facility up in the Northern Barrens has not changed since I last saw it. The Venture Company never increased security after numerous break-ins and so getting a good line of sight and watching was easy. The hard part was keeping the squad in line. It was all going fine until we lost a man. Og'lak, a young orc man, disappeared during the night last night and we haven't seen him since. I suspect he might have gone down to try and deal with the company by himself. As much as I want to stay and search we can't risk alerting the Venture Co. to our presence. Better they think that just another adventurer is trying to get in than the whole Horde army.

We're packing up and getting ready to return to Orgrimmar now for our next assignment. I've had enough of laying on my stomach in the dirt for a week. I'm looking forward to getting back to the hall. I hope nobody noticed me missing...

[Ayumu]

Ayumu met Sulajin today and he didn't suspect a thing. Considering that the man is increasingly more paranoid the more I see him now I think it says a lot for the likeliness of me being found out. Nonetheless, sometimes it's difficult to stay in Ayumu when he's being his typical stubborn self, but I am learning a lot as Ayumu to ignore it and move on. To ignore a lot of things.

Og'lak turned up dead today. His body was floating downsteam on the river that borders the barrens and Durotar. I immediately felt responsible. I'd let one of my men die to keep the mission going flawlessly. I immediately made a promise to myself to never leave any of them behind again. Even if it was not my decision to let him go off on his own, I should have acted. Then maybe I wouldn't have to be the one to tell his family he is gone.

I didn't realize just how bad a state the Horde was in until now. They are so dependent upon trainees 'getting it' on their own, on becomming skilled warriors without any support. And with every man we lose to a third party-or, not to the alliance-is a grave loss in an ongoing cold war and, possibly, a new war that we need to prepare for.

The moment we got back to Orgrimmar we were set up with a new assignment and given the night to relax and prepare. Hillsbrad. I really don't like the direction this could go in but we don't have much of a choice but to follow orders. Hillsbrad is damn dangerous, and for once I'm worried about the Alliance turning up. Not only because they will try to kill me, but because I don't think the squad is ready for such head-on combat. Especially not if the Alliance sends out well trained experts to attack Tarren Mill.

[Chikt]

It's just been... one of those days.

This whole ordeal with a curse started a couple of days ago. For me at least. When I arrived as Ayumu in the Ratchet inn. There I find Thoraggar, a Blood Knight, a Tauren Warrior and who else but Videlle. She is a Blood Elf warlock that I met back while she was still training. I was called out to Thousand Needles to defend the Horde outpost there. When I arrived to find the place surrounded by under-trained Alliance, it was Videlle who I discovered backed into a corner after having gained their attention. It didn't take much effort to dispatch half the Alliance and send the rest scattering, and she gave me her thanks. We talked for a while, walked for a bit, and that was the last I saw of her.

Until recently while talking to Leoren, Skafloc, Xenaken and Nymare in Silvermoon. A much more grown, experienced Warlock happened to pass us by. Videlle. We talked for a time and caught up. That was a few weeks ago.

Then I find her yesterday, in dire need of aid. I immediately made an excuse to get out of there and came back as Diomades. I managed to stabilize her and get answers. I was told about some sort of curse that had befell her at the hands of a ranger. It was all very cloudy. In the end I stayed the night to keep her alive, and awake to find her gone. I thought nothing of it until tonight, when while wandering through Silvermoon I passed Thoraggar. He grabbed me and led me out into Eversong. There was another victim, they called her Tora. She was a sweet girl and insisted on calling me the "Healing Titan".

Her wounds were much more unwilling to close than Videlles, and a plan was formulated in the hopes to heal both Tora's and Videlle's wounds. It didn't work. Faced with the fact that we'd have to find answers all this talk started about an ancient book, some guy responsible for bringing the curse back, and the Ranger once more. Eventually we decided to track down the ranger and wound up in Booty Bay where she was being held by a Cartel Enforcer.

The rest of the evening was highly confusing for me but I gathered the gist of the story. I won't go over it here, though, it's so long that I'd have to write a novel. Anyway. First I suspected the ranger, but then this Jazziks arrived and everything just got more odd. The ranger killed herself. I bought her back, much to her dismay. Some random orc Warlock got very upset and killed himself too, and ALSO came back on his own accord before threatening me. It was all very odd.

But before I revived Tassah-the Ranger-we took her to another building. Since I wasn't convinced she was responsible-and even if she was she deserved a far more fitting punishment-I bought her back. Next thing I know, Thoraggar is in a dress and referring to himself as "Granny" and comforting Tassah. It was at that point I decided I was either an alcoholic and could not remember ever drinking, or that I was going to drink heavily for the rest of the evening.

I'm not quite sure what to think now. I am catching on slowly but... my head hurts just thinking about it. I find myself protecting both Tassah and Jazziks now in a secluded hut in the Barrens. All out of Cherry Grog. I knew I should have bought a whole case.

I just hope today doesn't follow up with another one of those days...

[Jazziks Wolfrunner]

((Lol, that freakin orc warlock >.< and you ran out of cherry grog Oh Noes!!))

[Xaraphyne]

[[ That warlock is not making it into the official thread!! ]]

[Chikt]

[[ That warlock is not making it into the official thread!! ]]

((Awww, why? XD))

[Chikt]

I've spent a lot of time thinking...

Today was spent with my squad marching through Hillsbrad. Completing missions for our superior officer in Tarren Mill. We were sent out against the beasts of the lands around the village, as well as the nearby Syndicate threat. They were all dispatched fairly easily. But the whole time my mind was returning to the events of the night before. Rethinking my actions. Was I being cold or cautious with Tassha? I didn't know the full story. I was told to barely trust her. And then there's this turnaround. Jazziks trusts her. We flee and I find myself protecting what once was the threat.

Why is it my life takes turns like this? It is interesting enough, sure. But it just seems to get me into more and more increasingly odd situations. I can't say anymore that I'm simply a healer, I know I'm more than that now. I'm a private investigator. I'm a soldier. I'm a Myrmidon. A protector. And I am trying to take it all more proactively now. But ever since that night out in Thunder Bluff... the fight with my father... the loss of my totem... it feels like it tore a piece of me away. And while I have my ability to commune with the spirits back, it feels like a part of me is gone.

Was it my sympathy? Was it my care for life? I looked at Tassha and saw not a cowering woman pleading for forgiveness but a threat to be expunged. And yet as much as I wanted to simply end the game and end her there I know the price of such hasty reactions. And even more costly, the price of a delayed response. My father did a lot in his time between our drawing weapons against one another. Things I am only now beginning to get a handle upon the scale of. And decapitating that bastard... I felt relief for the first time in my life. Cruel as it may be to take such pleasure in the death of another, I know in committing such an act, I prevented worse ones from taking place for the time being.

And yet that night I would consider removing a woman from this life for a threat I did not fully understand. I'm a hypocrite. Trust nobody I said, and yet I so blindly followed the requests of those around me that I knew that I would let my own wisdom be overshadowed by the desire for vengeance. No. I know what it means to face losing a loved one and I was acting out of the best interests for those I cared for. But now maybe I need to take a more proactive outlook... while using those investigative senses to gather information first.

I think I will speak with this Tassha the next I see her. There's much I want answered.

[Sulajin]

I looked at Tassha and saw not a cowering woman pleading for forgiveness but a threat to be expunged. And yet as much as I wanted to simply end the game and end her there I know the price of such hasty reactions. And even more costly, the price of a delayed response. My father did a lot in his time between our drawing weapons against one another. Things I am only now beginning to get a handle upon the scale of. And decapitating that bastard... I felt relief for the first time in my life. Cruel as it may be to take such pleasure in the death of another, I know in committing such an act, I prevented worse ones from taking place for the time being.

((Bwahahaha! Welcome to Sul's world. Today's forcast: EMO!))

[Chikt]

Terokkar Forest, Early Morning. 80th day of Autumn, 26th year.

I started a new journal today. A new format. A new beginning. Leaving all the mistakes of the past behind and moving on. I left Sanctuary. I know how much it is going to upset Vilmah and as such I plan to keep my distance from the guild for the time being, if only to let her recover. She deserves to be happy and I hate the knowledge of how much this will hurt her. I couldn't approach her myself, tell her I was leaving. I know that likely would have hurt more than my letter ever could.

It seems and feels like a harsh and sudden turn of events. I barely talked to anybody about the things that led up to this decision. Even Niethan barely knows of it besides my passing comments about my desire to keep it to myself. Killing my father, losing my totem... Sanctuary was uninvolved, but it convinced me that I needed to leave. To move on. To rediscover myself. I'm not the person I want to be... Nonetheless... before I left I deposited a hefty amount of gold into the guild coffers, left a note for Vilmah for when she checks it eventually, the ammount necessary to purchase my room in the hall. I hope she doesn't ignore it or kick me out. I want it to be a reassurance that I am not going far.

Nonetheless... I know Niethan will be upset with me for this. I plan to contact him as soon as possible, catch him out in the firled and speak to him. For the time being, at least, Ayumu is staying within Sanctuary, to keep a watchful eye on the guild, so I can know if I need to take action for anything.

I know this is only the beggining of a big turning point for me. And I am going to start it by going out for a long run, I think.

[Chikt]

Barrens, Sunset. 81th day of Autumn, 26th year.

It's been a tiring few days, and I've got little to no sleep between my patrols as Ayumu and the events I've been trying to lend aid with as Diomades.

Yesterday in particular... rather, late last evening and into the early hours of thismorning, was quite eventful. I had to find Niethan, speak to him and calm him down since I left Sanctuary. He seems at least a bit better now. But I'm not quite sure what to think of do. However, it was the events later in the evening that things flared up. I saw that Thoraggar and Naheal were out in Silverpine, so I rode out to join them, find out what was going on.

What I came to find was an odd scene. They were decimating the Worgen's numbers. I grouped with them as Thoraggar told me they were quick simply replaying a debt. We stormed Shadowfang Keep, cleaned what was left of the vile beasts off the face of Azeroth, and left back out to Silverpine. It was then that Thoraggar explained the full story to me. The man I had met the other day, Taeln, had been slaughtered. Ripped to shreds. Little of him remained save for his arms, a few organs and a tabard. That's when I started getting suspicious; the Worgen of Silverpine killed an achieved Paladin?

We crossed paths with Videlle, she looked healthier besides the worgen blood on her blade and scattered over her robes. She and Naheal were talking about something to themselves. We cleared out the village, Naheal and Videlle took the lead and started walking. I told Thoraggar about my suspicions, we stopped Videlle and Naheal went ahead. We gave her the full story about Taeln and she quickly became ill and vomited. Talking about suspects, she mentioned Naheal was acting strange, and they had agreed to meet at the Sepulcher. To her horror on our arrival, he was long gone.

Thoraggar and I moved out to return the remains of Taeln's corpse to the Blood Knights in Silvermoon, but uppon our arrival the Blood Knight matron declined-rudely-that Taeln was ever a Blood Knight. I knew straight away he was from the Silver Hand, I'd met a few of their numbers. Stuck with the corpse but hungry from the evenings earlier combat, Thoraggar and I retreated back to an Inn. Stumbled across Xaraphyne and Elek. Xara, too, got sick at the sight of the bloody bag Thoraggar was bulking around, and Elek started telling us about how the Blood Knights in Quarantine were slaughtered today by a dark skinned, blonde haired Elf.

We-Thoraggar and myself-knew straight away what had happened. We'd made a grave mistake of judgement. We rushed out of the inn so quickly I didn't notice that Thoraggar had left the remains of Taeln in the inn.

We searched the East side of the Ghostlands, found no sign of Tassha. I resigned myself to return back to Silvermoon when, as passing through Eversong, I caught the pungent... odor of the remains of Taeln. Surely enough, Xaraphyne had passed through and gave him a proper burial at the back of the inn. We started talking, came to the conclusion that Tassha had to be dealt with sooner rather than later. Thoraggar and I set out again and found her on the Coast, beneath a great tower.

My original plan was to kill her. Bar her from ascending. Destroy her body, and thus set her into limbo for the rest of eternity. But Thoraggar stopped me short after being silent, saying that such debts were payed with sweat and tears. With Tassha already showing remorce I knew right away he was right. We formulated a plan to get Tassha out of there alive, snuck her to an abandoned boat on the coast. Thoraggar had the idea to get Xara to take the boat across the ocean to the Barrens, so we would not be dealing with major patrols along the way that would kill us and Tassha on sight. For the time being we hid her under the deck.

Unfortunately I underestimated Xara's ability and she realized that I had lied about killing the Elf. To my joy though she wasn't outwardly upset, and we spent the rest of the early hours of the morning discussing the curse, why I left Sanctuary. She was the first one I've told about that. And it felt good to get off my chest. I know with everything happening she has enough on her plate, but I think she also knows that I don't need the help. Niethan and Vilmah I... wasn't so willing to risk telling. I know they'd try to to something to help me. And this is something I need to do alone.

We arrived in record time thanks to Tate giving us a good, hard breeze the whole way there. Tassha and Thoraggar were still asleep so I took Tassha off the ship. I hated doing it, but I put her in the largest cage around the hut in the barrens that I could find and locked it with the thickest bolt. Called Petaga to watch over her. She was going to have to stay there, at least until Sinaku was destroyed. Then she would be free, and Thoraggar could train her to hunt for justice.

Nonetheless, it was a damn tiring day, and I have high hopes that tonight I might get a good nights sleep. I have a lot to think about.

[Chikt]

Orgrimmar Barracks, Early Morning. 86th day of Autumn, 26th year.

So I've been too busy once more to fill out my journal once more, but I plan to at least try and catch up.

I spoke at length with Niethan and Vilah a few days ago for my leaving. Vilmah didn't seem to fully understand why I did it, but I am hoping that now after our conversation she at least accepts that I was doing it out of the best interests of the guild. Niethan, unfortunately, has been more difficult. He keeps getting paranoid about our relationship and I had to sit in the hall today as Ayumu trying to ignore the fact that he was having a nervous breakdown and that Sulajin insisted that I'd gone and left him behind. And I will admit, I'm at my wits end here. Is it too much to ask for a few days alone just to have time to myself without everybody having a nervous breakdown?

Which reminds me. Yesterday... or was it the day before? Some time ago, Sulajin called me into his room. Presented this box to me. Began to explain that he had killed some humans out of self defense when their child attacked him, and he planned to palm the child off to me. At first I was willing to take the child, but then I began to wonder about Sulajin's motives for such a kind act and I couldn't help but feel that it was to use against me somehow. However, it was when I had a note arrive, apparently from the Shadow, that I made the split second decision to leave the child in Sulajin's hands. He said himself that if the child grew up to seek vengence-which, no doubt, he would if he was old enough to attack Sulajin-he'd kill it anyway. I resigned myself to the fact that it was the childs fate and rushed off to meet to Shadow and get answers.

Only to find myself out in Arathi surrounded by the Alliance arm of the Cartel Enforcers. They suspected ME of either being the Shadow himself or working WITH the shadow. Thankfully I set them straight and they let me go on the premise that I send them my case file on the Shadow. I rushed back to the hall, sent it off after taking notes of my investigation to create a new file just in case.

It was only after talking to Niethan and finding out that Sulajin told him I'd killed MY OWN son that I realised in all my rushing that I'd resigned myself to let a child die. The death of an adult is all well and good, but this childs life was only at the very beggining and because of my decision I'd cut it short, even if its death was at Sulajin's hands. So I broke into Sulajins room and found the childs remains. Or rather, the bug the child was turned into-Sulajin has a sick sense of how to keep people controlled. Anyway. It was burnt to a crisp, but Sulajin hadn't burned it at such a temperature as to completely obliterate it, and I was able to ressurect the 'bug' from what remained, and soon enough the magic wore off and the boy was alive again. Albeit unconscious.

So I whisked him off to the Shattrath orphanage, explained the situation to them, and left him there in their care.

Which brings be back to yesterday. I was in the Hall as Ayumu and Sulajin approaches me, basically saying he thinks that I'm Diomades because I talk the same way as him. I willingly cooperated, took the obsidian beetle that he offered to me to prove myself, and have been carrying it around since. It's taken some work to make sure it cannot read this journal, but I think the fairly heavy and wet towel that I accidentally dropped on it after my shower should keep it occupied long enough while I write this.

So to throw Sulajin off my trail, I'm talking to Tate about tracking down my 5th totem's spirit... if that's a good example for such a thing. Since it's solid and looks exactly like me and wears my armor, acts like me to a good extent, I figure I can lure it in and have a conversation with it under the beetles watchful gaze. Sulajin will not be able to question the apparent sight of Diomades and Ayumu standing side by side having a conversation.

Speaking of which, here it is now. I'll finish this once the scarab is gone. Niethan's going to have to put up with Diomades not being around for a while longer.

[Xaraphyne]

Is it too much to ask for a few days alone just to have time to myself without everybody having a nervous breakdown?

[[ Sounds like he has a lot in common with a certain troll! ]]

[Chikt]

[[ Sounds like he has a lot in common with a certain troll! ]]

((No kidding. X.x))

[Chikt]

Shattrath City, Early Morning. 86th day of Autumn, 26th year.

Ugh, I have the worst headache.

The last few days have been spent only as Ayumu in a last ditch effort to convince Sulajin that he and Diomades... myself... were not actually the same person. I believe the conversation I had with my look-alike Totem of the Fifth will be more than enough to sway him. I was concerned at first, the first time I'd met the Totem in Thunder Bluff he'd been fairly incomprehensible. But he... it, rather, seems to have learned and having a conversation with it was just like-well-talking to myself. I asked him about his past, what had been happening with Niethan, and then I began to realise that we still shared a connection somehow-he's been feeling and knows of everything I've been doing.

Thankfully this wasn't outwardly obvious. It looked like just an average conversation between two old friends.

With the scarab mailed back to Sulajin, the first think I wanted to do was get back into my Shaman armor, grab Aroha, and just vent some frustration in Alterac Valley. We did some great work, and for my successes I was awarded a tabard from the Frostwolves. I've been feeling oddly... naked without the Sanctuary tabard on-I've worn a tabard non-stop for the past year. And so to slip on a new tabard was to fight with renewed purpose. However, it just makes me realise how the distance between who Ayumu is and who Diomades was is quickly narrowing.

I went to check up on the boy, the one that Sulajin had killed and that I'd taken to the Shattrath orphanage. They told me that he was in good spirits and had no memory of me. Part of me was upset as such, I'd have liked to have gotten to know him better, but this is probably for the better. Lest his hunger for vengeance not simply be against a Troll but the Horde as a whole. He's apparently been returned to his next of kin in the Human city. I hope he doesn't go and join the army or some violent guild like I suspected he would.

I went to watch the race for a new Inquisitor and Myrmidon for Sanctuary our of concern. I wished to make sure that somebody good filled the space that I left. To my surprise though, once more the underdog won just as it had before. Ishinara and Broxigan had raced through Blackfathom in record time and returned with the trinket that Vilmah asked of them. No small task given that Ishinara is still inexperienced and Broxigan blind. Compared to other teams like Sulajin and Redemptio or Kimiji and Jesmotguin, it was a large achievement.

I was slightly disappointed though. I'd have liked to see Szordrin come out on top. I feel he is a lot like myself, and would have liked to see him become the new myrmidon. But instead he apparently got a transfer to the Scrappers and tried out for inquisitor. Apparently, Nomeni-a Tauren Druid-has taken my position. He seems wise and respectable, I know he will do a good job. But much to my surprise, Jesmotguin was elevated to Archon. Which still leaves an empty spot for a Myrmidon. I can't help but think Vilmah is either leaving it open in the hopes that I will return soon, or has other things in mind.

Kimiji and Sulajin seemed unhappy with the result and were speaking in Troll shortly after the event. I decided to wander down to the beach and watch the water when I was joined by Broxigan and Kimiji. We discussed things for a short while, it seemed all of us had gone to the water for the same reason-quiet contemplation. I am not sure what was wrong with Broxigan, he didn't say, but Kimiji voiced her disappointment at the trial fairly clearly, and her concerns about her agreeing with Sulajin. We eventually parted ways though.

The rest of my evening was spent unwinding in Silvermoon when I crossed paths with Clys and-apparently-her wife, Whispersoft. They looked very much alike, almost as though they were twins. They were absolutely and utterly drunk and offered for me to join them. Usually I'd refuse-I'm not... or rather, wasn't a big drinker, but I knew I could use the time to relax and just blow off steam that wasn't in the direction of the Alliance.

It was a fun evening, but boy do I regret drinking so much. The potion I whipped up as a cure for a hangover seems to be doing the trick fairly well though. I might just relax the rest of the day.

[Chikt]

Sanctuary Guild Hall, Orgrimmar, Evening. 5th day of Winter, 26th year.

It was back to the old routine today after having the week off to relax and spend some time alone. I decided to retreat to Stranglethorn for a while and set up camp on one of the secluded beaches. I think it paid off, I'm feeling a bit more level-headed now that I've come back.

I saw a few people I did not recognize wearing the purple and gold. It's good to see that Sanctuary is growing even after my leaving. Not that I doubted it would. It was more a reassuring thing than anything-I had concerns that Vilmah may end out shutting the guild with my leaving on top of Nojinbu's. I am glad she decided to be stubborn and dig in her heels.

I saw Niethan today. Or Moment at least. He was glad to see me, but then I think he'd be glad to see me under most circumstances. Eventually Niethan came out again but only momentarily before disappearing on 'business'. I suppose I shouldn't expect to come back and just everything be okay, and I have to admit I have my concerns that Nie has gone back to Sulajin. Especially after Sulajin seemed to take offense to Moment being by me today. I can't help but worry.

Ayumu got pulled from his squad when I returned as him. Turns out they wanted me to go off on my own to see how I functioned without the squad under my command. I really should get to Ashenvale and do some work out there, but I get the feeling that events as Diomades will once again draw my attention away from chores as Ayumu.

Leoren, Thoraggar, Nymare, myself and who I believe was Leo's sister went on a very successful march through Arcatraz today as well. It was very successful, and I finished a job for the Naaru that I've had sitting around for way too long. Typically though it is never enough, and now they want me to finish off Magtheridon. Ugh.

I think I might return to Alterac Valley again soon.

[Chikt]

Silvermoon City Inn, Evening. 9th day of Winter, 26th year.

It's been a busy few days, and I've barely had a chance to write. So lets see if I can't catch up.

Where to start...

I've been talking to Feralmoon a lot as of recent and getting to know her better. I think she's not all the bitch that she's made out to be by people. The woman I spoke to was an honorable, intelligent Tauren. She's began to call me the "Great Turtle" after the mythical creature that carried the world on its back, and honestly I can't disagree with the title. She seems to think that I'm much more patient than she is but I really don't see how-if anything, I seem to be more impatient than ever now. In any case, talking to her has been fantastic for me, it's been a great way to unwind. She's good fun.

Things with Niethan seem resolved, but I still don't feel quite right. I don't know, maybe it's the fact that I seem to be chasing my tail at the moment. Maybe we just need time to recover. Part of me is scared that things won't change back to normal, but everything has been changing so much as of recent. I've got to keep on guard, got to always be prepared. Hopefully I can relax soon and just draw in the guild hall for a few hours-I miss my sketch book. But I don't see how that is going to happen.

Which brings me onto Broxigan. He has been adamant that Leoren and Nymare were plotting against him somehow. I trusted him and went with his intuition. Leoren is one of my most trusted friends, but I know he'd do anything to ensure the safety of a loved one. But investigating it further I learn instead that Broxigan was a friend of Malorii and has taken her word at face value that Leoren, Nymare and the others in attendance at that "ritual" plotted against his life. I'll approach him about it before I do Leoren-Leo showed that he's of short temper tonight after I told him about his sister.

Which brings me to Skafloc, Nymare, Clys, Izrail, Whispersoft and Feleena. Typical Blood-Elf drama. I eavesdropped on Nymare and Skafloc and overheard a conversation. I didn't have my notepad on me and didn't manage to scribble down the conversation, but they were discussing some child that came back in time. The daughter of Lovely Nex'cruor. I never got her name but made the connection later in the night when a girl named Feleena joined Clys, Izrail, Whispersoft and myself and said that she was the daughter of Skafloc Ran'deau.

Skafloc has been acting extremely odd, and I can't say I trust him anymore. He suddenly shows a vested interest in Nymare after-according to Clys-he called her a traitor. I am assuming the reason for the interest is because he originally thought Feleena was the daughter of Nymare. But I don't think it ends there honestly.

Izrail hired me to keep an eye on Skafloc, and I was more than willing to oblige. I got my detectives license from the Ko'kron elite and now am more a Horde Investigator than a Private Investigator. If Skafloc was under some sort of spell or in trouble or plotting something, it was mutually beneficial for me too. Nonetheless, using an invisibility potion and an anti-tracking potion I was able to keep tabs on Skafloc and Feleena as they had a conversation about Izrail Case File Reference FS9W28. That's where I made the connection between Lovely as the mother and Skafloc as the father. I bet Evanthe would just LOVE to hear about this.

Whatever the case, I mailed off a copy of the transcript to Izrail. Whatever he does with it is not my business until he screws up. IF he does anything with it. If he wishes to keep tabs on Skafloc then it it his right to do so.

But everything just went downhill from there.

While tracking Feleena to the other side of Silvermoon, I overheard Zelaine - Leoren's sister-talking to a Forsaken-Emmons Case File Reference EZ9W28. I recognized him by his blue dragon whelp which a friend had referred to him having. Turns out that he was using Zelaine somehow in a plot to change Cessily, but then provided Cessily with drugs-Bloodthistle. Zelaine had ingested some and escaped Emmons. Cessily might be a cow, but my priority is protecting my friends, and Zelaine would fall into that category. I told Leoren about it and we went on the hunt but never found her.

I doubt Emmons suspect anything, but then me being an investigator is widely known. Though I doubt people ever suspect that a Tauren could eavesdrop on them. My best cover is that fact.

Note to self. Introduce Cessily to Feralmoon at a later date.

Oh, I really must get my new filing system set up too. I'll do that in the morning.

[Chikt]

Sanctuary Guild Hall, Orgrimmar, Sunrise. 11th day of Winter, 26th year.

Last night was fairly relaxing, and I feel much more at peace with things with Niethan. I'm not so worried anymore. I told Broxigan the truth about Malorii, her history with Kromag, and told him that he needs to stop spreading rumors about Leoren and Nymare. I trust them both, even if Nymare... I don't know about any longer. But this investigation has only just begun, and I'm in the makings of tracking down Sabachthan Ghant for questioning. It's going to be a busy day, I can feel it already.

I spent most of this morning getting the new filing system ready. The new system will work on a Suspect/Witness-Day-Season-Year basis. I had two new transcripts to add to the system this morning along with the old transcripts that I'm trying to convert to the new system, but I am thinking I might just scrap those in a "Historical" filing and just stick to the three new transcripts, EZ9W28, FS9W28 and DF10W28. I'll go through them and construct case files around the transcripts now that the filing system is complete.

For the time being though I am going to scrub down my armor before I get moving out thismorning.

[Chikt]

Silvermoon City Inn, Sunrise. 15th day of Winter, 26th year.

What a week.

Things have been fairly quiet and I've just been enjoying the peace. I haven't been able to be in Silvermoon continuing investigations as much as I'd like to, but it's been for a good cause otherwise. I'm ironing out the kinks in my possible new business venture. I've yet to be able to contact the Cartel about it, and I really need to send the letters out to the people recommended to me. I feel I am doing the right thing here. There's not enough balance in the world, and I plan to give it that balance. I plan to put fear into people that would plot against others. The Merchant will let me do that.

It won't break laws, I've already made sure of that much. Shady maybe, but I've come to think of it as a necessary evil if the people doing wrong in this world are ever going to change their ways. I want to give them the choice to change, and the repercussions if they decide to continue down their paths. I'll start by putting posters out, make The Merchant known more widely. Get people interested in what he has to offer. I'll recruit more eyes and ears. And most importantly... find out what Xara had to do with Skafloc.

I realised today just how much I miss home and my family. Ever since I left exactly a year ago now, it's felt like things have changed so much. I suppose being thrown into the world opened my eyes to things. But now I fear I blame myself for the death of my family. If I had acted differently, might they still be alive? I know I should not question my actions, I know I did what had to be done. But it's difficult.

I haven't really wrote about the end of the Eclipse. Or would it be a beginning? When we took out Sinaku's corrupted eye two weeks ago I'd arrived late. It was hectic-arrows, magic and weapons flying everywhere. I think we struck each other more than we struck our actual target. Then a pack of wolves appeared and I found myself alone and having to fight them off rather than aiding in healing the others. They were odd though-stronger than I expected. And one of them shared the same amber eye as Sinaku. After fending them off for a good while though, the amber eye on the alpha wolf shattered and they retreated. Sinaku was returned to normal. But claimed it was not over.

I don't want to be involved in stuff like that anymore. The whole world depending on the success of myself and a few others. Maybe not the world. If we failed somebody else would take our place. But I feel that maybe we have only just aggravated matters. That demigod or whatever the hell she is still managed to get through her door or whatever Sinaku was acting as, and now we have her to deal with down the track. I'll be glad to take my mind off it and dunk my head into my investigations for a while.

I think I might try and get back to sleep.

[Chikt]

Silvermoon City, Sunrise. 17th day of Winter, 26th year.

Finally I get some free time to myself to write once more.

The Feast of Winters Veil event was not as uneventful as I could have hoped. I got quite frustrated on several occasions on how my work always seemed to come back and haunt me whenever I wanted to just relax. But no matter, my speech seemed to go over well and it seemed to refresh people. Most in attendance were Blood Elves, I cannot think that they would much understand the way of the Tauren. But I believe that giving thanks and new beginnings are meanings that cross the barrier of tradition.

I have to admit, the past couple of days I have been slacking with my work. Xiphus had done a fantastic job the first night of his being an agent for The Merchant, and I really could not ask for a better agent. Angelita has yet to show results, but I don't doubt that will change soon. I even spoke to Emmons. While I seem to have been crossing paths with him a lot recently-and not in friendly manners-I know that his skills would be extemely useful to us. We need all the eyes and ears we can get. However, I'm not stupid, and have given him a task before I give him free reign to our files.

Having a nice variety of experiences and loyalties means that there won't be issues with any of my agents refusing to spy on their friends. Emmons in particular. I do not doubt that he will avoid eavesdropping upon his "mistress" or any of the Grim's other members, but Xiphus, Angelita and myself will all have that covered. The same goes for Xiphus and Angelita. And, of course, myself. However, I am doing my best to try and ignore friendships when it comes to work-suspect everybody and trust nobody. At least while I am working. If my friends are hiding things-bad things-that I can change, then I need to hear about them.

I've taken to more openly communing with people in my effort to mine for information. I sat and spoke with Feleena yesterday about her history. It was quite an effective way or hearing about it. While I doubt the usefulness of the information she gave me, befriending her will at least give me another way of insight into her fathers actions. Earthmother knows the man is up to know good. I won't use Feleena to get to him, her friendship will not be wasted and I will respect her as any other friend. But like any other friend... I must be careful.

I do not wish to sound paranoid. I suppose in these past few months people have shown me that even those closest to me are not necessarily trust worthy. And if sounding paranoid in my own mind is the price I have to pay for such cautiousness, then so be it.

I hope that we can start getting results soon. I need to speak more with Videlle.

[Chikt]

Silvermoon City, Sunrise. 18th day of Winter, 26th year.

Sometimes the best strategies of war are the simplest.

I returned to Silvermoon today after several bad turns in Alterac looking for some reprieve from my losses, only to hear cussing in the city. I immediately recognized both voices: Feralmoon and Cessily.

I took out my frustrations in a conversation with Feralmoon and her guild leader by commenting on how much I'd enjoy crushing Cessily's skull into a thick cream. Even Emmons told me where she was-either for his own amusement or to just be done with the bitch.

After spitting on her once since it seems to be her way of greeting "lesser beings", I came up with what could have been the most brilliant plan I've ever hatched.

We would gather an army. And pummel Cessily with snowballs.

It worked swimmingly. She retreated and so we focussed fire on one of her even more bitchy friends and they apparently retreated outside the city walls. If I'd known it was this easy to get rid of Cessily in past I'd just have kept Snowballs around on me all year round. Come to think of it, I better collect a surplus for the coming year.

Gathering people that had been wronged by her was a simple matter too. I gathered 5 people all in the same area of Silvermoon. If I'd actually made the call to some other friends in the area, we'd have a veritable raid of people pummeling Cessily and her friends with snowballs. Next time she is causing trouble, I may do just that.

I spoke with Xaraphyne today. I'm not sure she's aware just how much of a help she was. She may well have cracked oven the case on Evanthe and Skafloc. I'm still gathering information, but if my assumptions are true then it all pertains to my very first case.

I think I might finally get some sleep now though.

[Chikt]

Orgrimmar, Sunset. 19th day of Winter, 26th year.

I'm really starting to hate elves.

It seems that all they get themselves into is trouble, and then they are absolutely dependent upon others to get them out of it.

Not to say that they are all bad of course, but honestly now. I only know a few that are actually CAPABLE and know what they are doing. That actually uphold the way and strengthen the old Horde, not this new Horde of backstabber's and whores.

Just today I was called a "lesser being" by one Elf. A completely random elf that I didn't even know called me a cow. I was spat on twice and on two seperate occasions. I don't even want to THINK about the rest. I've had enough for one day.

I think I'm going to get some sleep and be a far less tolerant Tauren tommorow morning.

[Chikt]

Orgrimmar, Sunrise. 21st day of Winter, 26th year.

Things have simply not felt right as of late.

It feels like I am missing something. Like there's some great mystery unfolding that I'm losing touch with, or some big piece of the puzzle that I'm overlooking.

I spent most of this evening after the events in Stranglethorn in my library going through the files, keeping them organized. I've not seen either of my my fellow agents for a while but I give them leave to take such a break what with the festive season upon us. But it still concerns me. I read through my case files and every one, even those technically closed, feels incomplete. I spent much of the evening sketching up a web chart of all the connections between people and couldn't help but focus on the story of Evanthe, Skafloc, Leoren and Nymare.

It's frustrating being put in a situation like this where I have to question the motives of people that were once friends or I still consider friends. Leoren in particular. I'd thought for a while that what Broxigan claimed was true-I know Leoren would do anything for somebody he loved. I still dislike Nymare deep down. Not for leaving Skafloc but for giving herself away the way she did, only to then move on to the Grim. And now Leoren is with her? Leoren is an intelligent and strong man. He must see something there that I do not in order to love her.

And then there is Skafloc and Evanthe. Skafloc and I became good friends back when I did the case for him and Nymare when they were married, and he wanted so badly to pin the blame on Evanthe. I always questioned why it was he'd go back to her once Nymare divorced him. Maybe he realized Evanthe was right, I don't know. But then all this stuff about Runes, I cannot help but trace it back to that same first case where Evanthe used Nymare's ex fiance to control her. And now it's all Skafloc seems to be interested in.

And Evanthe... I don't even want to start writing on her. Too many unknowns there.

I've decided the best course of action is the one that Xaraphyne set in motion. Approach Skafloc and get answers directly from the source. Find out what the fel is going on so that I might rest knowing a threat has been put to rest, or good intentions really were in mind the whole time.

The more I speak with Sanctuary the more I realise that it's not my place any longer. It's not my home. And I don't want to go back. I've even been thinking about packing my things and moving out. The disagreement with Tirdisar tonight was enough for me to throw out any plans of returning. He and Therium were always the more forward of Sanctuary, and I cannot help but take their words as a clear sign-less vocal people agree. I might move back to Thunder Bluff. Earthmother knows I miss my home.

And then I hear about this stuff with Sulajin planning an attack on Silvermoon. I think I'm going to have to have a "talk" to him. This has gone on far enough. And worse still I cannot help but worry that Niethan is involved. Niethan seemed fairly persistent about my not being in Silvermoon. I cannot help but question if he knows something or even has a part of the plan. Sulajin always vested a lot of trust in Nie. But I have friends in Silvermoon and an interest in restoring it. I'll do what it takes to stop Sulajin.

I'll go to Niethan first.

[Broxigan]

I'd thought for a while that what Broxigan claimed was true.

((Dun dun DUN! XD))

[Evanthe]

I always questioned why it was he'd go back to her once Nymare divorced him.

[She's good in bed. True story.

And you missed some good Eva/Skaf/Nym/Leo interaction last night, Dio.]

[Chikt]

[She's good in bed. True story.

And you missed some good Eva/Skaf/Nym/Leo interaction last night, Dio.]

((So I understand. I do a /who Silvermoon City on occasion and saw everybody was there. And then when I started to leave all the stuff happened with Hellista and Sowell so I ended out getting tied up for another hour or so. >_< ))

[Chikt]

Eversong Woods, Sunrise. 26th day of Winter, 26th year.

It's been very busy these past few days, but then I have come to expect no less of my routine. I write now on the beach as Feralmoon sleeps beside me.

But first, several days ago I spoke with Skafloc. He set some things clear for me on the case and as such I sent the letter to the Merchant with the details. Things have been fairly quiet over Winters Veil with my work, and for that I am thankful. It seems that most of my business these days comes from just my friends.

I approached Sulajin about the whole attack on Silvermoon and he denied it flatly, and I quickly come to discover that it seems to all have been a lack of communication and misunderstanding. That is his point of view at least. For the time being I'm avoiding the man. The repercussions for claiming Sulajin was up to no good resulted in Niethan attacking me. An I have to admit, I'm still hurt. I've spent this whole time accepting him for who he is. Accepting his mistakes. He did drugs, smoked, and then bathed with Sulajin and I only got upset. But then come this mistake, he's pointing out my own flaws and how I have become cold.

And now I'm beginning to realize that he was right. I have been cold towards him. I think I'm at the end of my rope with Niethan, as much as I hate to say it. I've tried so hard and yet his happiness has been short lived. He thinks the worst of me, that I only appreciate and enjoy my time with Moment, and then my suspicions about him and Sulajin were all but verified at the Winters Veil event when I found out Sulajin aided Niethan in bathing. I feel lost and unsure of what to do about it. I promised Niethan I would not leave him, and I plan to keep that promise. But with how unhappy I feel now, I am not sure I can be with him, but rather, at his side.

Sigrun coming back was a good thing. It made Niethan happy. But I still remember how this all came about. I told Niethan myself that I knew he could never love me more than he did Sigrun, Vilmah or Sulajin. And Sigruns return only served to make me feel more a redundant part of Niethan's life. I think I might speak to Niethan about it. I want him to be happy, and right now I feel like a third wheel. I've rarely actually made him feel happy, I've just made him feel accepted for who he is. And he's changed for it.

Which brings me to Feralmoon. Her and I have been good friends for what feels like a lifetime now, yet in reality it's not been long at all. I always see her in Silvermoon, and she helps keep me on my hooves. I owe her a lot. Even my title of the 'great turtle'. And I was beginning to worry recently that I might be falling for her.

With all the problems with Niethan as of late and it feels like even though we've talked we've made no leeway in making things actually better, I can't help but wonder if I'm not looking for affection elsewhere as a result. I adore Niethan, but it's becoming more and more apparent that I cannot be who I used to be for him now. I know I couldn't just go to Feralmoon if things ended with Niethan. I couldn't do that. Just like with Sanctuary, leaving and staying alone for a time.

So Feralmoon and I talked at length tonight. She's unlike anybody I've met. We relate a lot on our beliefs in balance. I relate to her a lot. And at first when I first met her and we talked, I worried that would be a bad thing-she is part Grimtotem, after all. But the more we talk the more I realize that she's not Grimtotem, she's Feralmoon. She follows her own hoofprints and cares not for the hoofprints of others. And for that I respect her. So tonight we relaxed by the beach in Eversong and I helped her get to sleep since she's been having trouble, on the condition I stayed with her.

I don't want to write any more than that about this evening. I'm not sure I want to think about the possibilities when they are still just that. Possibilities.

I just cannot help but worry about what I should do. It feels like everything is coming apart again.

I have to speak to Niethan soon.

[Chikt]

Eversong Woods, Sunrise. 31st day of Winter, 26th year.

I should have been writing more. I've not been busy. And Earthmother knows that I've needed to get things off my chest.

Things have been hectic since I broke up with Niethan. Increasingly often I have people telling me now that they see something between Feralmoon and myself and that I should act upon it. It's different from my past relationships where it was like it was something only I and they could see. And admittedly, my family has been a huge support in this. I'm more and more glad that I am a shaman with them to back me up.

I look back at the past year and cannot help but feel bad. Four relationships come and gone. I put a lot of it down to naivety. My first relationship was just one big mistake and too rushed. My second and third were incorrect feelings about close friends, and my fourth, my most recent, just was not happy. And I blame myself for that. If I knew how to fix the problem with Niethan I would have. But instead, I felt hopeless. Sulajin says I should have gone to him for help instead of just ending it. But it was a problem ever since I got into a relationship with Nie. I could not make him happy. I could make him feel welcomed, but not happy.

And I know that as much as he says otherwise, I also had to change myself to do so. I cannot help but wonder if subconsciously I was avoiding him because of how things were between us. If that I didn't find my work more enjoyable because being with him and being unable to help him just got down on me so much.

But was it really wrong of me to just out and tell the truth? If I wasn't happy or didn't believe that things could work out, shouldn't I say so rather than living a lie? That's what I don't understand. Love and relationships have always confused the fel out of me. All I want is to make somebody happy and be happy myself. Not rush head-first into something and then regret it later. I want to enjoy it all and just... take things slow.

I'd thought to myself with my breaking up with Niethan that I should spend a long time by myself. That maybe I'm doing something wrong in my relationships that's made them go fowl. But my family keeps on whispering in my ear that what is important is being happy.

I'm spending a lot of time with Feralmoon. She's an amazing woman, and we relate and agree a whole lot on most everything we've discussed. She's a fellow shaman, sees the things I sees, and has the same sense of duty first. Niethan's accusing me of being with her-hell, everybody's accusing me of being with her or being perfect for her-frustrates me. On one hand I feel like it's something I shouldn't do and on the other I feel like it's something I'm being pushed into. Feralmoon said it herself, she doesn't need a bull to feel verified. Her and I enjoy eachothers company.

I just wish this were easier. There's some things I don't like sneaking around in the shadows with, and my relationships are one of them.

Changing anything I've done is not something I'd consider. I'm content with my decisions and will do everything in my power to make things right. I just wish others could see that.

I just wish it wasn't always so hard.

[Chikt]

Booty Bay, Evening. 32nd day of Winter, 27th year.
The first day of the New Year.

This was the first year I spent the New Years away from Thunder Bluff. I'd heard that Booty Bay was always interesting at this time of year since most of the guards get drunk and fall asleep on the job. So the Alliance and Horde run rampant trying to take the Goblin city as their own.

I went with no plans to actually get involved in the fighting myself. It had been a rough enough day just dealing with Niethan earlier on. Once I got there I found a nice place to avoid the mass of the fighting and just threw the odd heal whenever the Horde came close by.

Ignis Divine was planning a party, but only 3 of them turned up. So I left-avoiding the renewed Alliance attack on the Horde-taken Booty Bay-and spent the rest of the evening talking with Feralmoon on the Goblin Bunker to the West.

I've been thinking a lot about my father. Rokoce has been following me around as the rest of my family has, but he hasn't spoken since his death. I'm assured that he is at peace-or else he would be haunting me as a ghost rather than an ancestor. But he refuses to speak to me when I ask it of him. Most ancestors are stubborn, but to not speak is odd. He doesn't acknowledge the existence of my mother and sister there with him. And he seems sad somehow. I don't quite know what I can do to help him, or why it is he doesn't speak to me.

I'm going to have to try harder.

Vilmah's birthday party in the Sanctuary Hall felt awkward. I have little doubt most everybody knows about Niethan and I breaking up by now. The moment I entered I felt unwelcome. I told Vilmah I mailed her her gift-I wasn't exactly sure how to package gold-and had some cake and icecream, but only Niethan welcomed me. Vilmah never said hello or even acknowledged my presence beyond offering some cake. Even Jobolg felt cold. I think I may just avoid the hall for a time being...

So today I have been kicking ass in the Arena with my new 5 man arena team, we won 11 games and lost 4. Even Nicoleta, the Guild Master of Silvermoon University, is a member of it along with Leoren, Xenaken, Dewce and Kathius. I didn't fight alongside Nicoleta. But I did fight alongside Dewce. It was fantastic fun, and my rating according to the goblins is already very high. They subbed me out for Nicoleta to get some games in, but I feel confident about it already.

I think I might go out and kill some more Alliance.

[Chikt]

Eversong Woods, Sunrise. 35th day of Winter, 27th year.

I returned to the Sanctuary Hall the other day to keep my promise to Niethan that I would come and visit and not just disappear from the face of the planet. In a way I both regret going and am glad I did. Niethan and I argued, but it made me think about things a bunch. Niethn is right that I am changing. That I'm not the Tauren I used to be. The more I reflect upon it the more I realise creating Ayumu was an excuse to let out another side of myself that I needed to release. Only Ayumu stayed. And he and myself have become the same person.

I don't doubt that this is me. I like who I am and I wouldn't change it. But I feel that maybe I am becomming to serious or cold. I pulled out my Sketch Book and just started to draw again. I've not done THAT in a long time. It felt good to get my thoughts down on paper. The first thing that came to mind was my old tribal grounds in the Southern Barrens. I don't much remember what they were like back when I was a child, but the ruins and burnt-out huts surrounded by weeds are still in there.

I think I've been acting like my old self, but not around Niethan. It's difficult not to feel cold when I'm angry at him. I got into so much trouble with him when I accused Sulajin on baseless information, and then he goes and does the same to me. And yet I go into the Sanctuary Hall and he is the only one still that actually welcomes me, doesn't make me feel like an ass. Even Kimiji, who apparently defended me according to Sulajin, decided to lash out at me for my past mistakes.

How many times do I have to apologise? What do I have to do to make people know that I just did what I thought was right. I didn't know it would turn out this way. I'd have done things differently if I knew, but I could never have known. So instead, I have to be happy with my decisions.

And I suppose that means having to be happy with the fact that near everybody that was once a friend should hate me.

I'll return to the Hall again to do more sketches. I seem to be practically invisible when I sit quietly and draw. Maybe it will spare me of any further scorn.

Got to remember to help Feralmoon with her training. I'll see if I can help her with that tomorrow.

*A piece of parchment is stuck to the next page of the journal*

http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r217/DMDyet/RiverhornTribalGrounds-1.jpg

[Chikt]

Alterac Valley, Sunrise. 42nd day of Winter, 27th year.

I was going to write a journal after the event with Niethan, but I thought it best to simply leave it and let things blow over. I've not even really thought about it. I don't care. As bad as that sounds, I know if I think about it I will just end out hating him. And I don't want that. I want to be able to forget about it and not blame him when I know that he was only defending himself.

I quit my job as a detective. I've not really told anybody unless they asked me, but I feel better for it already. Though with the recent events, I've needed time to think. And so I've been spending increasingly more time in the Battlefield. It clears my head. Meditating is good, but I try to do it for tranquility-not to focus on issues. That would be redundant. However, there's a sort of piece when I am in battle. A silence in my mind that comes with my focus on the task at hand.

I was asked to pick up one of the officer ranks of Commander by the Horde. I thought it was odd, I always assumed that was an Alliance ranking, but then a lot of similarities can be drawn between their ranks and the ones of the new Horde. I was told it would give me the same powers I had as an investigator with the added bonus of being able to Command squads. I've been without a purpose for too long. Being a detective, my purpose was to set things right-but people just don't listen. This way, perhaps I can do good more actively while on duty.

I haven't gotten to do much more training with Feralmoon after the event, picking up the title of Commander has seen me dragged out to the field more often than I care to count. People keep referring to me as "Exalted of Thrall", I figure it's terminology for Horde officers perhaps. I don't quite know. But whatever the case, I am carrying my duty well-I think-and am enjoying actively making a difference that I can see.

I cannot help but feel that, in a sense, I am seeking redemption. I've made a lot of mistakes in my lifetime, and part of me now just wants to set everything back the way they were. To have my friends in Sanctuary back and to be a Shaman once more. And I have to admit that as of late, I've been feeling more like my old self. An older, wiser version of my old self, at least. Breaking the habit of being overly cold is hard though, and I almost 'sent my regards' to Vilmah today rather than sending her my love. I managed to correct myself though.

Even Broxigan is acting differently with me. Smiling more. For a while I thought he might be giving me the cold shoulder like the others. Maybe he sees that I'm making an attempt. I don't know. But it's nice to be acknowledged by somebody again and feel that warmth once more.

I drew Chikt a few days ago. He seems to like it. I didn't go into too much detail since my drawing was cut short when I was called out on duty.

Anyway, the timer on the bomb in this bunker is about to go off. I should likely get out before I go up in smoke with it.

http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r217/DMDyet/Chikt.jpg

[Chikt]

Shattrath City, Midnight. 44th day of Winter, 27th year.

Why does everything have to happen at once?

It's like I decide to get rid of some of the issues in my life starting with quitting my job as a detective, and everything happens. Leoren gets locked up and is destined to be put on trial. Vilmah, Broxigan and Sanctuary need me as they face the Draenei zealots attempting to wipe out the Mag'Har and every other "alien" species in Outland. It's like I don't even get a chance to think about myself. About my issues. I've not even had a chance to go retrieve my fathers journal.

On the bright side, my totem of the fifth returned to me. I meant to write about it several days ago when I used it to be in two places at once, but I've quickly worked along with the totem spirit and my elemental allies to "refresh" the totem. It had become tainted after the battle with my father, gone wild without something to lead it. And so we wiped it clean. Recreated the totem. And placed the spirit within. It was actually quite cooperative. Reminded me so much of myself. But I suppose that should not be surprising.

Nonetheless, my totem has returned to me. Not with the power it once had, but it's quickly building itself up to its previous strength. I'll be trying to prevent it from going overboard this time. It feels quite literally alive now and requires my guidance. And to guide it, I need to guide myself. No more righteous zealotry that I may have been verging on before. Now more than ever, I need to walk the middle ground and do simply what is right for the better good. So that my totem might be at balance and not go wacky and send me into Old Hillsbrad. Again.

Easier said than done, of course. Is breaking Leoren out of jail really what is best for the "greater good"? Doing so may very well spark a war between the Blood Elves and Horde. But then I think of the could that he could do-that he has YET to do-and I know it is worth the risk. Second chances are always worth the risk. Earthmother knows I've gone through enough second chances myself as it is. I feel like a cat that's quickly running out of its nine lives.

But that is beside the point.

With my totem back, my father talking to me and guiding me once more, things feel like they are falling into place even as they collapse around me. So to speak. I feel stronger than ever within, and have the will to fight on now more than ever before. Getting the totem back was like replacing a part of myself that was lost when my family died. Niethan was right. Dio had become Ayumu.

So watch out Azeroth. Old Dio is back.

[Chikt]

Orgrimmar, Sanctuary Guild Hall, Midday. 46th day of Winter, 27th year.

And things just get better and better.

Yesterday was eventful. Extremely eventful. Between attacks from the Cartel and the once considered friendly Empyrean Dawn, I just do not know what to think any longer.

Where should I start...

I spent most of yesterday working on my plans to get Leoren out of jail and waiting for any news about the rescue of Sifar by Sanctuary. I received word over my hearthstone instead from Xenaken that he needed my aid out in Tarren Mill to fight off Alliance attackers. I owe Xen several debts for our times on the battlefield-I don't doubt that he'd make the same claim though-but since we are a team I was more than happy to put down my books on breaking blood Elven magic and get out there to aid him in cracking some Alliance skulls.

It was a simple matter. There were three of them and just the two of us, but we had more experience on the battlefield and it showed in the gear we wore. The cowards couldn't even take us on, and when they realized we were not going to drop to their hand they took out their frustration on the trainee's in the area. When they started to leave we didn't follow, and word came in that a far larger attack was grouping or regrouping in the Dwarven stronghold to the North.

Deciding that making it clear an attack wouldn't be tolerated, Xenaken and I gathered up our things and traveled to the North to the Wildhammer Stronghold. The place was fairly empty save for a few trainee's in the area, we let them be. Not seeing any raid outside the walls of the bunker, we decided it warranted further exploration and ventured inside. Of course, the guards took offense to our being there and likely informed the authorities. After pushing down into the lower area of the bunker and finding no raid, we decided to sit and relax for a moment.

And then the Cartel arrived.

Well, rather, not all of them but merely one. A powerful mage. I never caught his name, though I wish I had. He looked upon Xenaken and I when he entered with a sad sort of gaze and I immediately apologized for our being there-we weren't there to cause trouble, we were there to try and prevent it. He smiled and motioned for us to follow and started wandering up the stairs. Unfortunately, even leaving the Guards took offense, and Xenaken and myself decided it best to simply all-out avoid the guards and run out to the safety of the forest.

We took refuge in a small building just South of the Wildhammer Stronghold. It was empty and had a fire, so we took the chance to relax there for a moment and catch our breath. I then heard that there was a Blood Elf in need of aid entering the Hinterlands and so I left Xenaken for the moment to go help her.

A very big mistake.

Upon reaching the elf I heard what sounded like combat back in the forest and immediately knew Xenaken had been attacked. With the Elf safe for the time being, I mounted up and rushed back to the forest just in time to jump off my mount and throw a heal at Xenaken before they outright killed him. I didn't get a good look at his attackers, but I did at the one that rushed up the small ledge I stood upon to shoot at me.

Irontoe. I remember him from New Years and the combat that took place in Booty Bay. I tolerated him-his quarrel was with Infection and I didn't trust them enough to take their word that he had opened fire upon them first. Now I can see I was mistaken. Irontoe opened fire upon me on the small ridge and I immediately realized that we were being attacked by the Cartel. Or at least one of them. I didn't quite make out the other attackers-but I assume they were also Cartel. All save for that Mage attacked us.

We gave them hell, but never managed to strike down any of their numbers. Eventually though, Xenaken and myself hit the ground exhausted, and our attackers mounted up and walked off satisfied. Before I knew it, though, the hand of one of the Cartel was reaching out and helping me up. Risticus. I recognized him as one of the men that hung around with Chum. He warned me to stay behind him and not show any agression or else they would attack again.

Show aggression? They opened fire on us first!

I was mad. I was seriously fucking pissed off. We had just been attacked by the Cartel of all people. Risticus apparently spoke with them and they left peacefully. Then excused it as "friendly fire". I was later told that the Cartel were claiming that they attacked Xenaken as a precaution. Precaution for what? We had come out peacefully and could have quite easily have killed their mage that came to greet us. But we didn't. And we didn't open fire on any of the people in Wildhammer. Irontoe even saw us simply watching from afar.

Then we hear a yell. A familiar one. I remember the voice from when Therium and myself went to Southshore to deal with some Tarren Mill attackers. Brutus. Some Dwarf Priest ass that the Cartel now had a hit out on, and Risticus and his druid friend Cynwyddon were out to collect. We grouped up-it was a matter of proving to the Cartel that we were never a threat to begin with and that they had just shot an ally, and also a matter of killing the ass that I'd crossed paths with before.

He hid behind the guards and we were chased out of Wildhammer. We regrouped outside and Itakae joined us. Then we find Sanrin and his troupe out there with the Alliance wing of the Cartel. The Cartel talked to Sanrin and his men, and we were explicitly told not to open fire on the Empyrean Dawn. Next thing we know, Sanrin surrounds the four of us with his superior numbers and cuts us down. Not a smart move opening fire like that on the Cartel, I can see this resulting in an all out war of the Cartel and her allies marching against Sanrin.

But then for an hour and a half, our time was spent pulling ourselves back to our feet, brushing ourselves off, catching our breath, and being cut down by the Empyrean Dawn once more. I remember from my time in Silvermoon that Infection made the claim that one of Sanctuary's members WAS actually Sanrin. I think I'm going to have to go to Vilmah and get his ass booted out. Sanrin was meant to be a friendly, and I trusted him. Instead I'm repaid by daggers in the back.

I'm not sure who pissed me off more. Sanrin and his troupe or Irontoe.

So now, this means war. I cannot forgive the acts that took place. I do not want to cut down the Cartel Enforcers, but I fear now that they've overstepped their bounds one too many times. I won't tolerate "friendly fire" any longer. It's not friendly at all. And we never even got an apology for the events that took place-just lies and finger pointing. No. If this is what the Alliance wing of the Cartel has become, I will no longer support them. And I will kill Irontoe on site.

Today opened up a whole big can of worms. And I won't take this crap any longer.

[Kiaransalius]

((Peace through annhilation! See, its the only way :P good stuff Dio))

[Chikt]

((Peace through annhilation! See, its the only way :P good stuff Dio))

((Actually, Dio is going to have a word to the Grim.))

[Itakae]

((dun dun DUN!!))

[Chikt]

Silvermoon City, Sunrise. 48th day of Winter, 27th year.

Things are just so up and down at the moment.

The high point of the past few days at least was working things out with the Alliance wing of the Cartel. They cleared Irontoe of any wrongdoing and pointed Xenaken and I in the direction of the real perpetrators. A new guild calling themselves the Ebon Banner. I'm glad this could have been worked out before things got any worse with the Cartel, or else I fear nothing could change the path we'd be set down. However, it's no longer a concern.

I have been concerning myself quite a bit with Leoren's trial, however, and it's been worrying me a bit too much. I spent most of yesterday morning relaxing in Silvermoon in a secluded spot meditating. I needed to clear my head before we dove head-first into the trial, and Earthmother knows I've had a lot I've needed to deal with as of late.

Issues with Niethan. Events with Feralmoon. Concerns about Sanctuary. Leoren's case. Even Cessily's bitchiness in Silvermoon has gotten to me to an extent and I needed time to sit down and work out things in my mind.

I hate the fact that things between Feralmoon and I are apparently so obvious to everybody. The two of us were just friends and people were making claims about seeing more, and it seems to have just snowballed into this thing where it's like everybody and their dog can see there's something there. And it's both uplifting and worrying. Do they see that just because we're two Tauren? No... Theira and her husband both saw it too, so I know they are unbiased. But still, I dislike being so apparently easy to read.

I've been trying to keep Niethan out of my head. I've apologized countless times and tried to help him, but then he goes and does stupid things and expects me to bend over backwards. The hex on Feralmoon was a terrible idea, and while I forgive him for it and understand why he did it, it was completely unnecessary. And Sulajin... I swear, the next time that troll crosses paths with me just to cause problems, I'll... I don't know what I will do. I hate the fact that I know I need to keep a cool head and that lashing out at him would only worsen situations, but I'd like nothing more than to break his nose the next time he purposefully causes issues.

Leoren's trial, at least, has proven productive. With my mind so focussed on the task at hand my totem has been flourishing once more, and I have high hopes that it will be prepared for his escape soon. I get the feeling we're not going to like how things turn out though. No doubt the Blood Knights expect the worst, but they're not showing it yet. And I expect getting Leoren out of jail is only going to be the start of a far bigger issue.

I've been neglecting Feralmoons teaching on meditation with all these problems. I want her at my side when I retrieve my fathers journal, and I get the feeling I'm going to need her to be able to protect herself mentally to do so. I've been debating telling Sanctuary-Telling Vilmah-about how things have unfolded. But it just seems as of late there has been no good time to inform her of matters. Her grandmothers death, issues with her father, saving Sifar... I might tell her about it the next I see her. Hopefully things will have wound down.

It's amazing how much better I feel though. Doing my ritual meditation in Silvermoon and listening in such clarity was better than I imagined. It's been a long time since I really sat down and tested my senses filtering "white noise" to focus on seperate spirits, and I was pleasantly suprised to see that I've not yet lost it. My father attributes it in part to getting my totem back. I feel like I'm back at square one form when I left Mulgore, but now most everything in my life is resolved. But I just know that journal is going to open up a whole new can of worms.

I hope I'm ready to deal with it.

[Theira Oaksong]

((I see through your soul! *cow exray vision*! - lol jk jk :P))

[Chikt]

It's been a long time.

So much has happened since I last wrote in this old journal. I couldn't find my new one, Chikt said that he tore the few pages out of it that I'd written on and sold it in order to make up the money to construct the... thing he had me kept in. And even then I fear it might have all been in vain.

I should have listened to the elder and not chased down old ghosts. That will teach me for trying to find answers. Or was it really just all vengeance? You would think I'd have learned from past experiences and mistakes and not tried such a thing, but I was not only driven by my own desire for answers and revenge but the spirits of those that linger about me. I should have waited longer, trained more.

I don't remember much of how it happened. Just that I went to the great mountain, Hyjal, to the spot where my father and my tribe aided the Horde in holding the line to protect the encampment. It smelled stale, of death, and for the first time in a long time I felt... out of touch. Then, nothing. I remember I woke up in Gadgetzan with Chikt. He'd had me sealed in some sort of metal and glass tube. I faded in and out of consciousness.

The thing that scares me is not what I remember in those fleeting moments of consciousness but rather what I remember when I was unconscious. I was on some great plane that stretched out as far as the eye could see, with a dark presence constantly looming over me. I found myself backed up by hundreds of Tauren, but they were spirits. Ones passed on. Fighting a battle against hordes of undead of all shapes and sizes, mindless husks and wailing banshees that had nothing remaining of who they used to be.

The battle never ended. I don't remember its end. Just that it was ongoing. For every one undead that was put down, another two would later replace it. Like fighting a losing battle, every time I slipped back out of consciousness I found myself with fewer and fewer of those spirits to aid me until finally I was fighting on my own against the never ending hordes of undead and was pushed back to a cliffside.

And then, I woke up. Chikt unlocked the tube, told me that I'd come to him in the dead of night and told him that he needed to put me in some sort of stasis to stop me from hurting anybody else like my father did. He had to sedate me and then take my savings, many of my old suits of armor, auction it all off to afford the parts he needed for the machine. Threw me in it. And... that was it. He monitored me for weeks until now. He said it was like I was in a constant dream-like state. Like I didn't know what I was doing.

We lay low for a few days so he could keep an eye on me. I was concerned for a long time that I'd lost my touch with the spirits around me, but they returned in time. Ahua told me that it was like I'd disappeared from the face of Azeroth, he and the others simply could not find me. And like the spirits, my visions began to return again. Only this time they were... different. Darker. These past few nights, I've woken up in a cold sweat from the nightmares.

Leoren and Anorah are aware of my return, though everybody else in the guild seems to have taken little notice to my disappearance. I cannot blame them, it's been a long time since I was around, and I imagine that they've had plenty of other issues to concern themselves with. I find myself wandering again though, like I'm searching for something I simply cannot find. The elder tells me my training is no longer necessary, that I will know what I must do. But I am unsure of exactly what that is.

I'm still not sure how I feel about returning though. I feel obligated to say that it's good to be back, but... I cannot help but feel that there's something very wrong, this sense of urgency or... fear? I don't know. But not having the answers scares me.

[Chikt]

It's quiet in Shattrath as of late. I've been hanging around the Worlds End Tavern, having a few drinks with an Ogre and a Bronze Dragon to try and take my mind off the nightmares. Nothing has ever haunted me so much as these dreams. The... reality of them is frightening. I want to be able to put them down to just being just that-bad dreams. But I know that's not true, that I'd be lying to myself if I convinced myself of such a thing. But in reality, I know it's all very real, that it's all something we're eventually going to have to face, and I'm not sure any of us are ready for it.

I loathe to even think about writing it.

I never thought I'd see the day that I'd be drowning my sorrows into a mug of ale down in the slums of Shattrath. I'm not ashamed of it, I don't feel I've stooped so low now. But it is a very... different feeling to actually realize that I am doing it fairly often. I had to do a double take this morning when I wandered down to the Worlds End tavern, I nearly wandered inside to order up drinks after a particularly bad night. Despite what I might say or believe about my inner strength, these dreams are having an effect on me. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I should try to sleep.

[Chikt]

Diomades, Patriarch of the Raven Cross.

How times have changed. It seems like only yesterday that I was a member of Sanctuary, running around preaching the virtues of peace and being killed for it. And yet now here I am, leader of a guild that preaches the virtues of killing and bringing peace for it.

Ironic.

Even more disturbing was the fact that I was approached about a week ago by Evanthe Cindersong for help. Evanthe Cindersong, of all people. We never got along before, I don't remember a time when we ever did. I tried to get her arrested while I was a detective and things have simply gone downhill since then. I do not think it was her idea to approach me, however, but rather Skafloc's. He and I also have a history but it's a fair bit more friendly, and with him joining the ranks of the Raven Cross, that's only become friendlier.

In any case, Evanthe's issues were... interesting. Not just because of their similarities to the issues Skafloc's ex lover went through, but because of the implications of them. Evanthe had dreamed of a fel taint in her mind and awoken, unable to use her fel magics. I did a spirit walk with her last night and learned that it was the result of a body overloaded on fel. It would appear that the Sunfury were dosing Evanthe up so much on the fel magics that her body responded in the only way it could-protecting itself from it and blocking her from using it in the form of a little girl and a viscous green fluid.

I'll never understand where peoples minds come up with these ideas, but they work.

The question now is how to undo it, and I honestly do not know the answer. Like an infection pushing out a splinter, the body usually knows best how to respond in any given situation. Sometimes more than the person living inside it would really like. You can take something to cure the infection, but then you've got to treat the side effect of that-removing the splinter by force. Which results in scars and damage that would never have been there had the body been given time to recover.

But that doesn't seem to be the case in Evanthe's mind. Her body is still reeling from the over consumption of Fel energy, long after all that fel energy is gone. Unless all that fel energy remains as a residual effect upon Evanthe... but then it would make no sense, since even coming into contact with fel makes her unwell. Which brigns me to the conclusion that the body has built up a defense system against fel that it simply cannot turn off.

And that means coming up with the nasty work that is removing the infection-her overprotective body... and then dealing with the splinter-the repercussions of removing that protection.

[Chikt]

Being a leader is a hard job. Given the way things used to be, I was able to go out and mercilessly slaughter demons out on Quel'danas on a daily basis. Taking over the helm of the Raven Cross has surely seen me with a lot more paperwork to do, and so now days I find myself locked away in Chikts high-rise "establishment" in Orgrimmar that overlooks the main district, filling out paperwork, organizing the guild bank, and acting as a diplomat. It's certainly not what I had expected of the job but I can't much say I dislike it. I cannot help but wonder if much the reason I fought day in and day out before was because I had no other purpose.

Since I took over the helm and made a lot of hard decisions, people have been leaving the guild. It is nothing I take personally, to be sure, if Leoren was around and not preoccupied enough to ignore those decisions he would have came to the same conclusion and the people would still leave. I've come to see it as not a loss but a strengthening thing for the Cross. If people feel they must leave because of cooperation with the Grim and Infection or because we sign a non-violence agreement with the Black Flame, then I would rather them leave than stay under false pretenses.

The choice to align the Raven Cross with the Grim and Infection was not an easy one to make. We have always respected and aided them on the battlefield when they have required it of us, even if the same respect could not be returned. But after First Legions attack on Orgrimmar and what pretty much equated to a spit in the face of our "peace treaty", it came that much easier. Blood for blood, eye for an eye, the Raven Cross was just as much built upon the thirst for vengeance as it was the desire to prevent any events that could make vengeance necessary. And if people disagree with the need to stand together in the Horde against an organized foe, then they should not be a part of the Ravens.

My concern and the one thing I do agree with these concerned members on is respect, and I will have no hesitation to pull out of the war council should the Grim show none and treat us more as their lackies than an equal. I want to achieve a goal, not bicker with children.

In any case, the weekend is now upon me and I plan on putting down this paperwork, if only for a day or two. Before I go insane.

[Chikt]

Elves just can't hold their liquor. I think that's the longest game of "beer pong" I've ever seen. Even the Goblins in Booty Bay do better than that!

[Chikt]

The guild meeting felt like one of the more successful ones that have been held recently, but perhaps it is just me looking for something more to be happy about, particularly with how the meeting looked to start with. It was nice to see all those Ravens in one place. I covered all the news and events with them that was to be covered last week in the emergency guild meeting along with a few new tidbits. Nothing particularly exciting really.

The issues with Silvermoon have been on my mind as of late, and the way the Raven Cross is still unwelcome within their walls without being in danger of being arrested or killed. Despite my exalted position among the Shattered Sun I do not believe that I have the ability to pull strings among the city. I've been meaning to discuss the political pull we might have with Skafloc but have not had the chance, but I do not think that alone would be enough either. However, I believe I have a plan that will get us back into Silvermoons good books and repay old, long due debts.

Niethan abused me for not talking to Feralmoon and being fairly cold, along with disappearing for as long as I did. I still consider him a friend but I do not believe he shares the same sentiment. I went to find Feralmoon and talk to her after my argument with Niethan and she was just as cold as I expected, but as always, she warmed up over time. I know she still holds feelings for me, but it is like I simply cannot reciprocate. Not for a lack of trying, it's been like that ever since I woke up again. Maybe Niethan and Feralmoon are both right, maybe there is something wrong with me.

Bah. I don't have time for self doubt, either. If I am going to pull off this plan I'm going to have a lot of work ahead of me and it isn't going to get done writing in a journal.

[Chikt]

What a day. I cannot believe that we were so lucky as to bear witness to the most joining members in a single evening since the Cross was born. Kira, Yatokth, Kyrvala and Tazindivya. A Rogue, Warrior, Paladin and priest respectively. My fears of the Raven Cross fading into obscurity have been answered. With this supplement to our membership, I'm confident that my plans for Silvermoon can be met without issue, and that-spirits willing-we might be guided into the future, as foggy and unnerving as it might be.

Thoraggar and I participated in a truly amazing battle against a group of Paladins. Sun Rock was attacked by a Paladin and Rogue, once they were dispelled we decided to take the battle to their lands - the attack was by the Theramore Marines. What more appropriate a place than Theramore to repay what was due. Akulazeel accompanied us and we decimated the guards they had on duty before who else but the Paladin - leader of Fabled Order - show up with a friend. They were dispatched with ease along with a squadron of guards. We continued our assault until he had a third friend come to aid him. Three paladins. Akulazeel had to take her leave for other duties and Thoraggar and I were stricken out of Theramore.

But it was only temporary. We regrouped and swam back to the island only to find the three Paladins awaiting us. We discussed attacking but they were quicker to act - and faster to fall. Ahua's guidance proved useful in the water, they were fighting in my territory and I would not be so fast to move. Thoraggar killed them countless times and their blades were like the breeze upon my armor. I lost count of the minutes the battle raged on and the ammount of times they returned for more in the hopes to take us down in a weakened state from the continued fighting. I lost count of how many vials of potions I went through trying to restore my energy, but they are all resting on the sea bed now.

We could not hold out forever though, and after we knocked them down and out - at least 3 times each for the 3 of them - We had no choice but to retreat back into the swamp in a weakened state with them nipping at our heels. I believe we were knocked out twice before they left. But Thoraggar and I would not be so easily defeated. Calling upon the spirits of the sea once more, we snuck around to the docks and found them again. What happened next was disappointing as we tripped on a lip of the dock and left ourselves wide open to their attacks. We were struck down but not out, as Thoraggar climbed back to his feet and took off running for one of the boats with them hot on his tail. He confused them and kept them at bay for quite some time.

And gave me ample time to get back to my hooves, regain some stamina and take off after him. They caught me just short of the boat and I escaped into the water with Thoraggar in tow, leaving them confused and seperated. They jumped down after us and we dealt with them one by one, leaving them floating dead in the water and us free to get back up on the dock and escape on the boat to the Eastern Kingdoms. Such a glorious battle has not been fought by me in quite some time. It a sight to behond.

And then again today, Yatokth and Kyrvala proved themselves to be more than capable fighters - bearing the armor of many battles fought against the Alliance and in the Arena. We defended Tarren Mill against a small army of Druids along with a single rogue and took the battle to Southshore. They were awaiting us and prepared, but we did not go down easily-at least 10 minutes they fought to kill us. I do not know how many of them we knocked out cold in doing so.

But then, I return home and stare at this letter left to me by Feralmoon. I do not know what to say to her. Have I outgrown her? Have I not learned anything from my previous relationships? I do not know what to tell her... and that disturbs me. I am not usually one short on words, and yet here I am, unknowing of what to tell her. How do you tell somebody that you feel nothing, that you cannot even remember what it was to feel it? Perhaps I should just tell her the truth...

[Chikt]

Perhaps it is for the best that I remain alone. It seems that nothing likes going right in my love life, if it's not me screwing up it's something inside me screwing me up. I don't think Feralmoon wants to listen. I tried. I don't know what more there is I can do to change this. So perhaps it's best just to let it go and move on with my life. Focus on what it will allow me to do. Fight and lead.

The longer time goes by the more convinced I am that the malevolent demonic force I so willingly took on board in a search for vengeance still remains, even if only in part. My memories of the battle that took place are vivid, but I don't remember any end to it. Like that part of me has just been wiped away from memory. But I still function with only minimal scars. Perhaps the bigger part of which is forgetting the way I used to feel. Perhaps I am simply evolving. Perhaps this is a sign of a much larger wound I've yet to discover.

Once upon a time I could see myself with a happily ever after, fairytale ending. But such hopes for the future are redundant if you are not making it for yourself. And I can never have that fairytale ending while so much remains unfinished.

My responsibility now is to my Ravens. My plans for Silvermoon are nearly finalized and the preparations made. All that is left is to inform them of the idea... and follow through with the decision that we make.

I just hope my gut is right.

[Chikt]

It's been a long time since I wrote in my journal. I barely seem to find the time to do so as of late. I'd like to start writing more often again.

I don't know where to even begin. The last time I wrote was going on four months ago now, and so much has happened since then. Leoren and Anorah came back. The Raven Cross has been growing stronger. I've gone into Northrend and my plans have been accelerated.

I suppose I should start closer to home though. More recent events.

The thing that has been taking up a lot of my attention as of late is the Onyx Sun, some shady figure that claims to speak on behalf of the Alliance. It sounds more like they're trying to create a cult to me. We exchanged gifts actually. He sent me a dead raven so I sent him the severed head of one of the Cult of the Damned's lackeys. I felt some remorse for it afterward, but it seemed appropriate. I've spoken with a lot of people on the matter of the Onyx Sun. We at least came to the conclusion that they were indeed within the Horde. But after speaking with Fynne last night, I feel like I'm slightly closer to finding out exactly who the Onyx Sun is.

Speaking of Fynne, talk about getting me into trouble. A member of the Grim happened to pass us talking and told Leoren and Anorah about it. Silvermoon got attacked and when I left to help, I arrived only after the fighting was over and they were not impressed with me. They've both developed quite the attitude since their return and I must admit that it is wearing on me dramatically. But I have broad shoulders.

They just do not see the necessity in speaking to people on opposite sides of the fence. They took the same stance on Ackerson. If they knew I actually knew the man they might be slightly more forgiving... or they might just be that much more venomous in their claims about me being a traitor, I do not know, and I don't care to find out which one it is.

In any case, I feel there is something to gain from speaking with the Alliance. I can respect Fynne, even if the man would be so quick to slit my throat - I wouldn't hesitate to disembowel him, either. But if I can gain something more from him than a decapitated head to hang over my mantelpiece then dammit, I'll get it from him.

The Grim seemed pretty livid about the fact that I was on good terms with the man, which amuses me to no end. I may just have to speak with Fynne in front of the Grim more often if it gets them THAT worked up. Perhaps they are afraid of what sort of power I might possess in talking to him. Not that I think he needs much reason to kill them as it is, it would be amusing to claim that the "Grim Wolf" was in fact my lap dog.

Then again, the look on their faces after I made my comment to them about their guild when defending Sylvanas was absolutely priceless. And the best retort they could come up with was to run back crying to Fynne? Hah! They've grown weak. And I hope the Onyx Sun succeeds in his plans to wipe them off the face of Azeroth. Less weak-minded fools to deal with on a day to day basis.

In fact, I cannot totally disagree with the Suns ideals, I simply have to doubt his execution. Lumping the Raven Cross in with guilds like Infection and the Grim was an offense I do not take lightly - his threats have been little but annoyances. Comparing us to those two guilds is something I cannot tolerate. At the same time, I cannot help but wonder if Infection and the Grim have been so ignorant to his threats. Idle as I suspect they are, the Raven Cross at least takes the necessary precautions in any case. Infection and the Grim are too cocky for their own good. Getting cut down to size might teach them some respect.

My quest for power is so close but so far from fruition. Seeing open war break out between the Alliance and Horde only convinced me that I needed to be more proactive in my search beyond the usual training and gear-gathering. I considered for a long time the merits of trying to take Arthas' power and feel it's still my best bet, but I know damned well that I could never get my hands on it even if I tried. Ending war isn't going to be so simple a task as killing an overconfident prince and his undead army. I'm beginning to think that the only way to end war is by fighting it or using diplomacy, and neither have proven to be good cures for it. That won't stop me from trying to find a source of power to speed up the process.

I've probably written enough of my thoughts for now. I'll try to keep on writing far more often.

[Chikt]

What a day. Well, we got the collar off Niethan, but not after I had speak with Feralmoon again, and slice open my hand to make a blood oath. I'm not really sure what was more painful. I feel guilty whenever I see her.

I've had no shortage of women in my life. I've come to the conclusion that trying to find somebody to settle down with was the wrong idea. I move too much - too nomadic. I can't imagine my life without adrenaline, and so I think it's for the best if I stick with somebody that moves fast too.

Wether or not that is Theodary, I don't know. I'm still not quite sure what we have even. Simple women are more complex than the complicated ones. Complex women are like a woven basket - once you work out the pattern they're easy to discern. But Theodary? She's like a single, straight piece of straw. A straight piece of straw that keeps its seeds hidden and makes itself impossible to discern. She's a mystery to me, and I still don't know how to act about her.

Women. Even the straightforward ones are mysterious.

I've been thinking a lot about Death Knights. More lost souls. I'm surprised that the Tauren haven't taken a vested interest in them as they did the Forsaken for much the same reasons. Helping them find themselves once more. People seem to fear the unknown, and Death Knights are just that. I've not been cautious in allowing Death Knights into our ranks. I think we have about as many Death Knights actively serving now as Paladins, and that is saying something.

Do they feel emotion? Remorse? What drives them? Is it vengeance? Is that why they seem to flock to the ranks of the Raven Cross? In a way I envy them. They touched the power to change the world. But then they gave it away for freedom. It makes me wonder that if I finally get the power to change the world, will I decide not long after gaining it that it's not worth the sacrifices I made in the quest for it and give it away again? I know I have to try, if only to answer that question to myself.

Some of the Death Knights in the Raven Cross have already more than proven themselves in my eyes. They are as loyal and steadfast as our other members. They understand more than others the necessity in doing wrong sometimes to achieve something right. In a way, a Death Knight embodies much that the Raven Cross is about. Not the Holy Retribution of a Paladin. Not the requirement and search for balance of a Shaman. But the embodiment of vengeance and power, the desire to set things straight for ourselves and for the greater good, and the one truth that our past doesn't make us, but rather it's our choices in the present - and future - that define us.

What these Death Knights will do when Arthas falls, I do not know. What effect his passing will have on them, I can only start to imagine. But for the time being, I'm willing to accept their aid and not judge them for their past as we have been judged. When the day comes and all of this is over, I can only hope we can count on them to lay down their arms with the rest of us and find some sort of peace in their existence.

If that day ever comes.

[Chikt]

The headaches have been getting worse. The guild doesn't seem to pay much heed to them, which I am glad for - the last thing I want is for them to be worrying about me more than they need to. I do fear that Yatokth suspected my headaches were the result of something more, but if he did he never acted upon anything more than his curiosity... not to mention Xara's odd state of mind likely made him think I got my headache doing something else.

It seems the more frequent and dark my visions, the worse the headaches get. At first I could have passed them off and done nothing about them. But they feel more like fully-fledged migraines now. On top of the usual nose bleeds I get - which has always been a symptom - I fear that my state is quickly deteriorating and I won't be able to hold off visions as I've learned to do so, which means I may go into a vision at inopportune times. The last thing I need is people asking why I went quiet and started getting a bad nosebleed during drinks.

The visions are not even particularly useful. Despite my questioning the ancestral spirits that surround me about their purpose, they do not shed any light upon the visions. Prophetic visions are usually easy to pick out, some sort of symbolism that slowly becomes clearer as time goes by. But these visions are not that. Only visions of piles of rotting bodies, twisted creatures with bloodied mouths, blood rolling over meat - there's no rhyme or reason for it. I just hope my state starts to improve, or I may have to start avoiding Northrend. Try to get away from it.

One thing is clear. We'll learn something of the Onyx Sun soon. During all the... "white noise" of these dark images, a black sun keeps on showing up in my mind. Or rather - a solar eclipse becoming sunlight. Whether it marks the end of the Onyx Sun, or if he is unmasked and his intentions come to light, or something else - I do not know. I suspect I will find out in time. In any case, I hope that his plans do not have to come to an end before I can speak to him myself. Make a case for the Raven Cross.

He and I are not so unalike, whoever he is.

[Chikt]

I think the Raven Cross is back on the right path. Both Yatokth and I hounded Leoren today for his attitude. Anorah called me off to the side to discuss matters privately. She'd made it clear in the past that she was not happy with how I'd managed the guild while she was gone, so I expected the worst. Instead she asked for an explanation of why I did the things I did in their absence. I gave it to her straight - survival of the guild.

She then asked me if I resented her or Leoren for leaving. For the longest time, I did. But after thinking about it since their arrival, I learned that I couldn't resent them forever when I don't know for sure whether or not I'd have done the same given the chance at making things right for myself. I told her no.

We agreed that things needed to change, or the Raven Cross was going to be torn apart. Yatokth and Leoren continued to bicker and I could hear them doing so. It occured to me then that no matter how different our ways about it, we all had the one thing in mind - to make the Raven Cross the best it could be. I broke up the argument and stated this simple fact, and that we'd need to learn to understand and respect each others different ways of dealing with new recruits and guild politics. The two of them went quiet and all was calm again. It felt like there was respect in the officer channel once again.

I spoke to Leoren not long after. He and I had not spoken one-on-one since he had returned, and it had started to occur to me that I'd not treated him the same since he arrived. He seemed very cautious about touching on the subject of how he left, but I told him that I respected him for it - he seemed to relax about me a fair bit more, at least. I'm not sure we'll ever be able to get the old Leoren back, and in a way, I'm not sure I want to. I think what Leoren, Yatokth and I have going as a group leading the Raven Cross is perfect. I am the head and Yatokth and Leoren are my arms in their own way, each encompassing a specific part of the Raven Cross' creeds.

Yatokth is wise in his age but a powerful Warrior to be sure, and a great leader. He defines the guilds creeds of Tenacity and Refuge. Leoren is harsh and demanding, he expects only the best of our soldiers and won't let up on them until he sees it. Easily, he represents our Vengeance. Me? Respect and Unity. I'm not sure if I had the respect or desire for unity that I could have shown the two of them to respect one another for their desire to BRING unity to us today.

I had one of my visions during drinks with Leoren. As I'd feared they're becoming uncontrollable. Thankfully we drifted off into another topic about Shamans and Druids, so I never had to explain myself. What good would it do? There's no way to stop the visions, and even if I could - I would not want to. Were it there was a way to train myself to be stronger willed to fight the darker visions off, I would train. But how many Spirit Walkers remain with the skill to teach me such a thing? There is no point making them worry when there is nothing to be done.

While we spoke though, it got me thinking. Does "Happily Ever After" really exist? We have happy moments in our lives, but they are fleeting - one cannot live happily forever without secluding themselves to the world. Bad continues to rage on, it's part of the balance of the world. Is it possible to live happily ever after in a mortal world where people have mortal battles and mortal disagreements? As such, can war even be prevented? If it were, would I be happy? Could my children, or my childrens children, grow up content and not seek violence?

I cannot be wise about this, because the wise answer is no. War will always rage on. But there has to be a way to soften the blow. To find some middle ground between blowing its proportion up like the Grim, or hoping it all just comes to an end like Sanctuary. That is why the Raven Cross is here. Pro-active peace. Kill the ones that would stand in the way of peace, and make peace with the ones that would have it.

If only it were so easy as it sounded on paper...

[Chikt]

I spoke to Yatokth about Shamanism the other day, it was an interesting conversation - I enjoy explaining the way I do my job to somebody that wouldn't understand otherwise in most cases. He paid a lot of attention, but despite how simple it is in my mind it came out a lot more complicated with my words and I didn't much know how to simplify it beyond everything being connected.

I also spoke at length with the odd, female Tauren Death Knight that I'd seen Cyrass get so tense about before. She smelled me and told me that I smelled "well" apparently. When I asked her how that was, she told me I only smelled of my own blood. I guess that makes sense to a degree, it also reminded me that I need to go get these bandages replaced with clean ones.

I was forward, asked her about the situation between her and Cyrass. She simply said that they were friends when she was alive, and now he was very wary about her. When I asked why, she asked me why he should not be wary around the hollow husk of a person. After we talked more I came to the conclusion that this was more a case of her personal self-loathing than a direct result of anything said to her by Cyrass.

She went as far as to ask me what happens to a Death Knight when they "die". I never really thought about it - what happens to a Forsaken when they die? I gave her the obvious answer - whatever physically binds the spirit to this world would have to be broken with their death. Their spirit would move on, just as the spirit of a "living" person moves on at death. The Forsaken and Death Knights suffer a horrible ailment - a living spirit bound to a dying body. Once that body is destroyed, the obvious assumption is that the spirit moves on... depending on the manner of dying, of course.

She said it was comforting. It was then that I couldn't help but realize that as far as Death Knights go, she was the first I'd met that seemed less separated from the living. Perhaps it is a Tauren thing, I do not know. She was questioning her purpose now and I gave it to her straight - it wasn't up to anybody to tell her that. It was up to her to make up something of her second chance. After that, we went our separate ways and I called up Cyrass to speak with him about her.

It didn't take me much to convince him that talking to her was the right thing to do. It was only then that I learned of her name. Funny how I never thought to ask despite her knowing my own. Able. It seems an appropriate name for her.

On a case by case basis, I've met a lot of very respectable Death Knights - strangely enough, more respectable ones than not. It gives me hope for the state of future events. I simply hope that if this war ever ends, they can find some peace in their world.

[Chikt]

For somebody so simple, that woman is a damn bit complicated.

[Chikt]

I don't know who the bigger fool is, me or Broxigan. I should have seen it coming. Should have put it together. When I saw Sifar, it made sense. I knew they had to be in Sanctuary and Broxigan seemed an obvious choice. But the ambush by a group of Alliance I did not forsee. Especially when I still have Sifar in safe keeping in Sun Rock. I should have her executed just for the mans stupidity, but I couldn't do that to her.

What does he think he'll achieve? Some sort of peace? No! All he is going to do is run off after he considers his job done and leave the Alliance and Horde in a far WORSE state than they were not just a day ago! What shocks me even more is the Alliance blindly followed him and let him do this. He has only achieved to fulfill the wishes of the Grim and Infection. Now they can play the victim and call their unbiased attack on ANY Alliance "retaliation".

And what more, I have to question whether or not Sanctuary knew of what he was doing and simply let him do it!

We fought after the ambush, got back up every time we were knocked down. Unlike the Grim and Infection that simply ran back home. The Raven Cross can say they rallied some of their men and butted heads with a larger foe despite the odds. I'm proud of my people. After the fight was over and we spoke of retaliation with Infection and the Grim - retaliation I FULLY expect will never happen on their behalf - the Raven Cross gathered up and with the help of the friends in the Alliance, we tracked down some of our attackers and dealt with them with ambushes of our own.

I am not looking forward to the days to come. Not in the least. I hope he is happy with what he's achieved. He just made this world a whole lot worse to live in.

[Chikt]

I'm tired.

For the first time in a long, long time, I feel like I could get a full nights sleep. All this fighting wears me down, and all I want to do is sit back and relax. If even only for a minute. It feels like I've not done that in weeks.

Adanado and I felled a Frost Wyrm today. With the Red Dragonflight's help, mind you, but up until they arrived it was a battle to behold. Adanado is an excellent flier, agile and fast. To squeeze right through that Frost Wyrm's ribcage that I could latch on was impressive, to say the least - certainly not what I EXPECTED him to do when I told him to go down towards the big, angry, dead dragon, but it worked nonetheless.

Part of me wants to view the battle as the Orcs would. As some glorious fight worth being written. But the more and more I fight in Northrend the more and more I find that these sort of battles are to become every day happenings. I've seen people stab Proto Drakes to death in the Storm Peaks with a spear just because they felt inclined to do so. What I did should be considered no spectacular feat, I guess.

I should sleep... I have a lot to do today.

[Chikt]

I've been doing a lot of thinking since Sifar was here. About the Cross and its motives. What we set out to do. I feel that perhaps I should remind people of what we aim to achieve. I just wish I wasn't so difficult to get through to some people in the Cross, and in the Alliance. We all have our motivations, all have a goal we want to achieve. I guess that is why the Raven Cross attracts people of many backgrounds. Our goals are a lot more expansive than "kill the Alliance" like the Grim and Infection set out to do. Unlike them, we can exist in a time of peace.

Niethan left us at the most recent meeting. Deciding to go join the Alliance was a... surprise, to say the least - even for him. I've always known him to have an anti-horde sentiment. I've never quite understood why he stayed with us in the Raven Cross beyond wanting to keep an eye on me or his other friends. But joining the Alliance seems silly, even for him - surely he knows they wont' welcome him with open arms. What does he expect really? Then again, I don't know what he might pull - that troll is full of surprises after all.

What Niethan and Sifar both said rang true in a lot of ways, though I do disagree with Niethan's assessment of the Horde being a bunch of monsters with no honor - he quickly forgets what the Horde has done for him. But they both had an issue with the way the Raven Cross is handled, and I honestly don't know what to do about it. I am considering fliers. Something to rub it in Broxigan's face. Seeking Alliance for cooperative efforts or open discussion. Not to mention it's bound to piss off Nymare and the rest of the Grim, and that's always enjoyable. It's a reminder of just how unlike them we are.

We're the good guys.

Then again, what makes a person a "good guy"? The desire to do right? What makes a good guy in war? Both sides of a war want to do the right thing. By themselves and by their people. They might have different ways of doing it, more... specific ideals of who exactly they are doing things for. A warrior might go to war so that his family need not feel it at home. Everybody in the Raven Cross is like that. They all have their reasons for fighting under our banner - the freedom it brings in just how they go about ensuring a brighter future for us all.

Justice. Diplomacy. By the weapon or by the word, it doesn't matter. It's why I've endeavored to make sure that our new Exemplar rank sees as many talkers as it does fighters.

But I digress. You're always going to be the bad guy to somebody, no matter how good you set out to be. You can take care of as many orphan children at home as you like, the moment you set foot out that door and kill a man threatening the kill those orphans, you become the badguy to that mans family, his friends - whatever.

Perhaps we are not the good guys. But we do set out wanting to achieve something good. I suppose that is good enough for me.

Note to self: Thank Nymare for trying to make the world a better place for me the next time I see her.

[Chikt]

War.

It only complicates things for the Raven Cross. Especially for myself. I lead a group of people that are self-declared as being "shades of grey". Doing what they think is right for everybody else.

But in War, our role has to change. What do we become? I've always considered my team to be more than soldiers - a small squad can turn the tides of war unnoticed. Compared to an army, my team - The Raven Cross - is efficient and calculating. They are to me what the Ko'Kron is to Thrall.

War isn't always black and white, no. But there's very little room for grey in war. Grey means you make a lot more enemies than you do friends. And I'm starting to feel that now. Once upon a time it would have been easy to tell my people what to do, how to act. But with war... where we stand changes a far bit more.

I can't help but think back to speaking with Sifar before the ambush. Just how easy it felt to make a good will gesture. When the Horde were betrayed by Putress and Varimathras, I didn't feel the sting of it directly - neither of them were particularly important to me. I helped kill them and moved on with my life. But with the ambush, with war coming home to the Raven Cross, matters have become complicated - that line we drew in the sand as to where we stood just got washed away in a tide of blood, and now I'm left deciding where to plant our hooves.

Were it so simple as one in the blood and one in the sand.

Attacking the Alliance in retaliation for what happened at the ambush is going to do nothing good for us. That plants our hooves clean in the blood, despite our motivations. I don't pretend to never have gotten bloody before - but that was never during a time of war.

Pretending to ignore the war simply makes us as blind and stupid as Sanctuary, and what good have they done for the world so far? even during my time with them, I did not feel like I achieved ANYTHING.

Perhaps there is a way to plant our hooves clean in the blood and the sand. To keep our ambiguous nature.

Perhaps I need to have a word with Ackerson, and track down Sifar.

I'll be damned if we end out adding more fuel to the flames of this war. We're going to do what is best for the Horde - find a solution, and play both sides.