Dear Mistress Clys

[clys]

Dear Mistress Clys,

I have a problem, and I hope that you can help me. My brother and I are one year apart and grew up practically as twins. We buried our mother and bought some land together. Then, in our late 20s, my brother met and married a woman. We still lived together, only with hostility and distance.

Then the scourge came, and we all died at their hands. I, and my brother's wife, arose recently and joined the Forsaken. My brother has not been seen again.

My question is this. My brother's former wife, whom I despised in life, is now very attractive to me. She has the cutest little smile, with what's left of her mouth. She seems to be interested in me, also. We spent a lovely night picking bugs out of each other's hair and feeding them to each other.

Do you think it's all right if I make her my mate? I mean, she did die, and her vow to my brother was "Until death do us part." So...it's okay, isn't it?

~Restless Corpse


Dear Restless Corpse,

Absolutely not! Your brother could show up at any time, and then where would you be? It's one thing to fight while you're alive. It's entirely another to fight with another undead. Since neither of you can die again, you'll be fighting forever!

I suggest you simply enslave her. Get yourself a good Warlock and bind her soul to your service. Make her truly yours, more than she ever was your brother's. That way, if your brother does show up, there won't be anything he can do about it, and you can laugh at him for eternity. Much better than fighting, don't you think?

~Mistress Clys

[Hellista]

Dear Mistress Clys,

The dead speak to me on a daily basis, and I have this new ghost that won't shut up. She bounces around, yelling nonsense in my ear and jumps up and down on me when I'm trying to concentrate. Sometimes she makes me lose my concentration and has even caused me to lose soul shards!

Since you are a priestess, is there any way you could rid me of this vile poltergeist? I'm worried she'll start to bug me even more.

Oh, and if I kill my last remaining relative, is that a bad thing?

Yours,

Wicked Warlock

[clys]

Dear Wicked Warlock,

A ghost that jumps up and down on you doesn't sound like such a big problem. Ghosts don't weigh anything. However, the shouting in your ear I can understand would be annoying. Many a parent has stabbed a child to death for just such behavior, and I don't blame them.

The problem, however, lies within yourself. The dead speak to you daily, you say. I consulted the revered Tauren shaman, Bob, about this, and he said that such a problem indicates a serious lack of personal hygiene on your part. Ghosts and spirits are attracted to the smell of decay, mold, and rotting flesh. The solution, then, is relatively simple. You must bathe, often.

Since you are obviously not used to it, here are some simple steps to successful bathing:

1) Immerse yourself completely in warm water, getting your entire body wet, and soaking your hair.
2) Use lots of soap, lathering your skin fully, and working the lather deep into your hair as well. Spend extra time on your private parts, and be sure to scrub under your breasts.
3) Rinse yourself fully, removing all of the soap.
4) If this is your first time bathing, change the water at this point, and then repeat the process, as many times as needed to remove every speck of soil from your stinking carcass.
5) After your bath, perfume yourself lightly using a good quality scent, and then dress in freshly laundered clothing.

Remember, cleanliness is next to godliness. Or, as Shaman Bob puts it, "A bath a day keeps the ghosts at bay."

As for killing your last remaining relative, I would wait on that until you have learned your bathing lessons. After all, you don't really need an additional ghost haunting you right now.

~Mistress Clys

[Hellista]

((ROFL Clys. And whats funny is she will think there is something to your madness. Lots of extra baths coming up for Hellista! Woo! lol))

[Kallindra]

((Too funny!!))

[clys]

Dear Mistress Clys,

I am a Tauren hunter, and I pride myself in my knowledge of our heritage and culture, and in my adherence to the ways of the Earthmother. However, I have this ugly wart on my left nostril, and although I have prayed for weeks and weeks for the Earthmother to remove it, she has not responded. I nearly lost control the other day and went to an Undercity surgeon to have it cut off, but fortunately I regained my senses before I went through with it.

I'm perplexed and saddened by the Earthmother's lack of care for me. Doesn't she love me? Why does she want me to look like this? Please, I need your wisdom.

~Angry Cow



Dear Angry Cow,

In the words of the revered Tauren, Shaman Bob, written in his priceless tome, The Book of Bob:

"Ask not what the Earthmother can do for you. Ask what you can do for the Earthmother!"

You see, Angry, your focus is in the wrong place. You are focused on a wart on your left nostril. Instead, you should be looking at the big picture. Here is what I suggest.

Go to the Charred Vale. Take some Gaea seeds with you. The Harpies there are desecrating the lands, spreading their foul and unnatural taint until the stench of it is detectable in Sun Rock! Go there. Slay the Harpies -- all of them. Rape and mutilate their dead bodies, and make a mountain of their flesh. Plant the Gaea seeds on the bleeding, oozing, mountain, and give thanks to the Earthmother for her cleansing power. Get your eyes off your nose, and look up at the Earthmother's face!

~Mistress Clys

[Evanthe]

Dear Mistress Clys,

My mistress and her brother are so licentious it makes me blush, and I'm a succubus! Their constant partying and parade of guests is getting on my last nerves! And to top it all off her brother's hair is shinier than mine! How can I seduce anyone with him hanging around?

How do I get them to settle down a bit?

Sincerly,

Vexed Vixen

[clys]

Dear Vexed Vixen,

Licentious is a big word. Too big. It shows that you are using your brain too much, and your body too little. You will never succeed as a succubus that way! The secret to seduction is in making people want your body. Your mind has nothing to do with it! So what if he has shinier hair? You have the big breasts and sensuous lips of a demoness! You wield the whip of the nether! Between your legs is a paradise of pleasure and pain that nothing can stand against! Use the pheromones the demons of darkness gave you, girl! The scent of your arousal will make strong men swoon, and lonely women weep for joy!

If that doesn't work, shave his head while he's sleeping.

~Mistress Clys

[Crysa]

Dear Mistress Clys,

Help! What do I do! I keep setting the bedsheets on fire while I'm sleeping. I love fire, it represents passion and heat and pain and sweat and sensuality... sorry, got away from myself there a moment.. Because of it, I find myself dreaming of.. all of thoes listed things, every evening, only to wake up to a smoldering bed!

If I don't do something soon, I fear the Master of the House may ask me to leave on the grounds that replacing silk bed sheets every day can become costly!

Sincerly,

Firey in Falconwing Square

[Shadowspeak]

Dear Mistress Clys-

I have three Elven prisoners. Nightelves, of course, but I have a problem. I have no current experiments to use these as test subject for and seem to have no use for them now. Of course I can't let them go as they would likely try to have their revenge.

So my question is, how should I kill them?

Forever yours,

Bored Old Corpse

[clys]

Dear Firey,

You've got to get ahold of yourself, or let someone get ahold of you, and soon! You're obviously a passionate woman with a strong libido, and you can't simply expect your sexual needs to take care of themselves. Your body is trying to tell you something, and unless you listen things will only get worse.

Find someone, whichever gender you prefer, and get your sexy on! If you don't want or aren't ready for a close relationship, there are plenty of willing professionals who can service you for a fee. Or you can purchase a slave down in Booty Bay. Just don't buy one from Greedo. Trust me on this. You don't need a disease on top of your other problems.

If you're dead set against casual sex or purchased sex, then there is one other option which can probably tide you over for a while -- the Gnomish Vibra-Diver 6000. It has multiple speeds, is fully adjustable as to size and depth, and even comes with a belt that allows hands-free usage. Get the flame-proof version, it comes in Hot Pink or Blazing Orange. Relief is just a button-press away.

Don't yearn and burn. It's wasteful, unnecessary, and unhealthy.

~ Mistress Clys

PS I know this has to be you, Crysa, dear. Your end of the hallway is always full of smoke. If you need help adjusting the Vibra-Diver, just call. I'll send Smurch in to help you.

[clys]

Dear Bored Old Corpse,

I am truly shocked. The Kaldorei are such gentle creatures, living close to nature, without a mean bone in their bodies. That you would hold three of them captive, to experiment upon, is outrageously evil. However, the poor things cannot simply be released, now. They are certain to require extensive therapy to heal from the mental scars you've given them, not to mention any physical trauma you might have put them through.

The thought of three of these lovely creatures, shackled to the wall, naked, pleading... Well it, it... uh... it turns the stomach! Yeah, that's it. It sickens me, you hear?

You need to turn from your wicked ways, Mr. Bored, and seek the love and light of Elune before it's too late.

I'll be over to pick up the Nightelves and take them to my clinic where they can be, um, properly cared for.

~Mistress Clys

[Darkblade]

(( X.X
Loving this ))

[Hellista]

Dear Mistress Clys,

I tried your bathing techniques, and it seemed to work for a while. However, the ghost came back. I do have good news, though. Through some experimentation and by accident, I discovered that smoking vast amounts of Fadeleaf renders me invisible to the ghosts, or at least makes them ignore me. My mind goes a bit wild and I hallucinate, but those side effects are nothing compared to the torment this poltergeist was putting me through.

If you should ever have other Dead-Talkers writing to you with similar situations, please let them in on this. It seems to be working and I am happy to share this natural herbal remedy with you. Also, I will continue with the bathing treatments in case it is also connected.

Yours,

Wicked Warlock.

[Crysa]

((lmao so funny))

[Jassart]

Dear Mistress Clys,

I have an annoying paladin who follows me around and seems to delight in chastising me and spoiling my fun. Normally, I would slit her throat and toss her in an alley somewhere, but she is incredibly hot, has porn-star hair, and doesn't wear many clothes. Should I hire someone else to kill her or should I just close my eyes when I kill her so that I'm not distracted by the miles of creamy thigh.

Please send help soon. My trousers can't take much more of this.

Yours,
Frustrated Scoundrel

[clys]

Dear Frustrated Scoundrel,

Your words make no sense. First, you say that you have a red-hot paladin willing to follow you around and chastise you regularly, and then in the next breath you say this spoils your fun. You are clearly confused. You are male, and therefore require frequent, properly administered chastisement just to keep you from going completely haywire. You know this in the deepest parts of yourself. Look down at your bulging trousers, and then try to tell me that this sexy paladin isn't everything you need and desire.

My advice is simple. The next time she approaches you, whip in hand, kneel before your goddess and worship her for the precious gift she is. Sing her praises as she scourges the flaws from your soul. Thank her for every loving lash she lays across your quivering body. And pray that in time you will be worthy to kiss even the instep of her foot.

Men. They never know when they have it good.

[Solenev]

Dear Mistress Clys,

Is it possible for the scent of a man to make you do crazy things? I've noticed lately that a particular man has ... well... become my object of obsession. Whenever he's near I can't help but snuffle his neck and crawl all over him like some wildcat in heat. Even when he's gone all I do is think of him and next when I will see him.

The thing is, my profession entails being free enough to have people be obsessed over me. I'm a practical, business-minded woman and not prone to fits of desperate desire so this is really starting to ruin my work week. What should I do?

-- Henpecked Harlot

[clys]

Dear Henpecked Harlot,

I'm going to assume that the pen name you chose for yourself is accurate, and that you are, in fact, a 'working girl'. If that is your sole source of income, then it's rather important that you protect yourself from anything that might impair your ability to work. I will proceed on that assumption.

You are obsessed with a man to the point that even his scent is intoxicating. Obsession is good. Intoxication is good. Your pleasure, your desires, your needs being met -- all good. The only problem I see here is your possible loss of control of the situation.

Can you control this man? Can you enslave him, or make him at least a servant? Do you know anything about him that would give you power over him? Do you have some way to force him to your will? You're a courtesan, and no doubt highly skilled. Get him addicted to YOU.

You see what I'm saying. There is nothing wrong with your obsession, if you control the situation. In fact, it could be lots of fun. However, if HE is in control, then there is much danger for you. You MUST NOT let this happen! You could wind up compromising your source of income. You could drive away paying customers. You could, may the gods forbid, give up your life of harlotry and settle down to raising children and breast feeding the little brats. Gag me with a gnome.

Yes, I'm trying to scare you, because if you are not scared you may not act!

You must get this man squarely under your thumb, so that all the control is in your hands, or else pry yourself loose of this particular obsession and find something less dangerous to your well being and profession.

You know the man better than I, so you choose the method. Sexual addiction, blackmail, whips and chains...whatever it takes. Just make sure that in the end, he serves you, and not the other way around. If you need a little potion to help you along, you know where to find me.

~Mistress Clys

[Vilmah]

Dear Mistress Clys,

I'm not sure what to do. My boyfriend is what some might call a "hard ass", but he really cares for me a lot. Unfortunately, there's about fifty other males who also care for me, and every time I tell him, or he finds out (he is a rogue...), he gets angry and wants to kill them. They're my friends, I don't want them dead!

I have a bad history with men.. three rape incidents, two ex boyfriends, one of them who tried to kill me and kept a chunk of my hair sewn to the inside of his shirt.

I'm only sixteen! Why does this keep happening to me??

Also, I'm in love with someone my complete opposite! What do I do??

--Angsty Teen

[clys]

Dear Angsty,

Let's take the last question first. You are in love with your complete opposite, you say? I say, fuggidaboudit. Nobody needs that kind of grief. What you're looking for here, listen now, is someone who is YOUR MATCH. Someone whose personality complements your own. You're a puzzle piece looking for the other half that exactly matches your edges. A perfect fit is what you want. Pounding his big square peg into your little round hole won't work. Dump him now, and keep looking.

Now for your first question: Why does this keep happening to me?

If you have 50 males after you, plus one that you admit is a "hard ass" type, you have been raped three times, and some weirdo is wearing your hair inside his shirt, then I can tell you three things about yourself for sure.

1) You are unbelievably attractive, a goddess come to the mortal plane.
2) You are unbelievably ignorant and naive.
3) You are hanging around with the wrong fucking people, my god!

Nothing is going to change point number one. Well, maybe old age, but you're sixteen. Old age is a long ways off. But you CAN and MUST change points number two and three. To do this, you need time and experience. You're going to have to take drastic steps to cut down on the number of males after you, and spend the next few years having selective, one-on-one relationships with men (or women) that you choose, not who choose you (especially not against your will!). There's no shortcut to experience, but you do have to live long enough to get some, and the way you're going now, you ain't gonna make it that long.

So, here's what I suggest. To get all those males to leave you alone, you're going to have to purposefully make yourself unattractive. And I mean, very unattractive. And don't go anywhere that men will be drinking, because a drunk man will fuck anything that moves. If they are orcs, they'll jump even things that don't move and are barely above room temperature!

So, take these steps to get the guys to leave you alone and give yourself some breathing room.

a) Stop bathing. Completely. No hair washing, either.
b) Do not change your clothing. Ever.
c) Pee in your pants. All the time.
d) Eat something nasty and vomit on yourself. Don't wash it off.
e) Stare at nothing, as if there is something scary there.
f) Talk to yourself constantly, saying random things that make no sense.
g) Shout as loud as you can, at random, about something that isn't there.

If *any* male is still hanging around you after a month or so, just kill him. He's obviously insane and you want nothing to do with him. Once you are finally alone and can think, then do so. Think about yourself, what you real needs are, what your heart's desire really is. Dream about where you'd like to be in 10 years. What kind of relationship do you really want to find? What would really make you happy?

Also, prepare yourself battle-wise. You're going to need to be the most dangerous bitch in town to keep the guys at bay once you go back to being your normal, incredibly attractive self. Learn to kill. Learn to kill without remorse. Learn to kill because some guy asks you "What's your sign?" Such people don't deserve to live in the same world with you. Do us all a favor and remove them from it.

Never be a victim again, or I will personally hunt you down for being a disgrace to the female gender. No, scratch that last bit, I won't hunt you down. But I will be very disappointed. You are woman. You don't have to roar, but putting a shiv in the heart of the next guy who tries to touch you without your permission would be very nice.

Once you have in your head a clear picture of what you want, then you can clean up and go looking for it. And DON'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS. Period. Remember, you are unique and precious, and you deserve nothing less than the very best.

Good luck,

~Mistress Clys

[Skafloc]

Dear Mistress Clys;

I have been following your articles with considerable interest and decided you might be the perfect one to help me with a dilemna.

You see, used to be a time my boss' mother ran the company I belong to. At the time she was a real, well to put it into words you would appreciate, " a real hard assed iron handed bitch." She was fair and she was good to her loyal employees, and the benefits were decent. But gods help whomever crossed her or tried to bamboozle her!

Problem is, she has passed on a lot of her duties to her son, and went and had an extreme makeover. She is still the same woman I am certain, but not quite the bitch anymore.

More like a hottie!

Yes I still treat her with the same respect, but I find myself forcing down the giggles of delight as she bounces along like a bubbly nubile nymph. I just want to pinch those cheeks at times!

So I ask you, what strategies do you suggest to help me suppress those inappropriate images when I speak with her? I fear one day I might slip up and slap her tushie or something.

Sincerely;

Farmer Smith.

[Danyxandra]

*reads over M'mah's shoulder...and laughs and laughs and laughs*

[Izrail]

Dear Mistress Clys,

Through studying alone, I learned how to summon a demon from the Nether long before I knew any other spells. It is small, the size of a big bumblebee, has spindly legs and rows of teeth. I was very proud of this before I learned to summon more useful things. You see this strange demon has no usefulness. It is so light that I hardly feel it when it crawls all over me, until it starts biting (sometimes not sharp enough for me to notice). I am determined to find a use for it, not everyone can summon something after a few months of solitary study. What do you suggest?

Sincerely Yours,
Master of the Useless

[clys]

Dear Farmer Smith,

Hey, you aren't related to Farmer Kalaba, are you, because I hate that bitch. I was in Hillsbrad fields the other day and she tried to run a pitchfork through me! Where do you farmers get off threatening people? Stick to your fucking rutabagas and leave innocent people alone!

If you're not related to Farmer Kalaba, please disregard. Unless you raise rutabagas. In that case, please kill yourself.

As for your question, I admire your honesty in admitting that a person's looks make such a big difference to you. Most shallow people are not willing to confess their shallowness to others. They walk around thinking that they are deep, when in fact their petty little lives are essentially meaningless.

But, in light of your obvious lack of intelligence in putting such a high priority on someone's looks over their character, I seriously doubt that your boss' mother cares much about what you think of her. It is clearly inappropriate for you to be thinking about laying hands on her at all, and slapping her ass would be beneath even someone of your low intelligence.

You are no doubt suffering from Male Dangling Brain Disorder, or MDBD. Males with this problem have their entire brain function relocated to their penis, where it dangles, dangerously exposed, waiting for the inevitable angry knee to the groin by some outraged female.

My suggestion is this: Either smarten up, or start wearing a cup.

[clys]

Dear Master of the Useless,

I'm not sure what to tell you, frankly. A tiny demon that is nearly weightless, and doesn't do much of anything sounds, as you say, pretty useless.

Perhaps it has entertainment value? Can it dance? Can it be tortured? Can it do both at once?

If it's insect sized, maybe you could use it as a spy. Watch through its eyes while it hangs unnoticed on a wall, or listen in.

If it were hot, or cold, you could train it to crawl down people's backs, maybe. Not useful, exactly, but it would be funny in a crowded room.

Probably the best thing to do is just smash it with a good sized hammer, though. If people see that thing crawling on you, you're never gonna get laid.

~Mistress Clys

[Malakim]

Dear Mistress Clys,

I have a lot in life, plenty of arrows, decent food, and good friends. That is however, where it ends... with friendship. It would seem I have fallen for a past love, though it seems to be far too late for a relationship with her. She has a husband and is starting a family.

It seems however, that no matter where else I go to look for love, I always strike out. My companion seems to have no problem getting the attention of any woman he wants, they actually feed him bananas whenever he comes by them. I mean really who would have thought that a bird could get so much damn attention?

Overall, I just need help in being more charming with the ladies I think, any help would be appreciated, as it would seem if nothing happens soon I am going to burst.

~Pessimistic Pet Owner~

[Xri]

Dear Mistress Clys-

I have a problem. There is this girl that seems to be allright, at first. Shes pretty and talented. But she has one catch- She seems to be incredibly insane. She hears voices, jumps from buildings to see if she can live, and has tried to catch fireworks with her own hands. Now, this only happens seldomly, or at least as much as I have experianced from her. Otherwise she seems to be quite an interesting person.

So, what should I do to her, or not do to her?

-Bedazzled Blood Knight

[Everindela]

((classic! LMAO!))

[Hellista]

((rofl Xri))

[Khiskiva]

Dear Mistress Clys,

I'm your average trolless, really. I got pregnant young, off of a shaman who I had a one night stand with. He ended up being a real bastard, but then I met someone new. He and I hit it off pretty well, and then one day he said we were married. I thought, sure, why not! I mean, he's handsome, powerful, enjoys my dancing.. we were a perfect match!

Then I found out he and his best friend, this transvestite kid, were sexual involved. I said heck, why not, and joined in. It was fun for a while, until the transvestite got pregnant. That's when I got pissed and had to leave.

So I left for a while and ended up meeting someone I knew a long time ago. He was my first boyfriend ever, and I realized we were still in love! Only problem is, I'm still married, and I'm pregnant with my husband's son. So I had to leave my childhood sweetheart for my husband.

I told my husband he's not allowed to have sex with anyone but me. To get the point accross, I tattooed my name to his penis and cast a spell on it, so it burns anyone else but me.

Things cooled down, and we're together again, but I still have to deal with a transvestite and his kids, and I still miss my childhood sweetheart. I don't want to leave my husband, though. The spell may be reversable, but it would feel like such a waste.

Also, my husband's penis is enormous.

What should I do?

-- Stewed Screwed and Tattood

[Niethan]

Dear Mistress Clys,

I found love in the form of my best friend, but he got married to a trolless. They were okay with me being there for a while, but when I accidently got pregnant, the wife switched gears and ordered me to never sleep with my friend again. I could learn to live with that (though with much frustration) but she's continued to do other things that don't sit well with me, like threatening to take my babies, calling me a life-sucking monster, and even tattooing her name on my friend's penis.

I don't understand why she is so unable to deal with being his wife and prefered lover, and instead has to be the only person in his life. I try my best to treat her as a good person for the sake of my friend, but the resentment and depression is taking its toll. How can I possibly cope with her?

--Odd Man Out

[Visant]

((:wipes diet soda off of the laptop: Khiskiva, you win, that's all I can say. ))

[Danyxandra]

((gawd I love this community))

[Shadowspeak]

I just can't wait to see Clys' reply to those last three. --))

[Everindela]

Dear Mistress Clys,

It has come to my attention recently that I have this thing... A thing for kittens. Odd, yes but I cannot resist the urge to snuggle every single kitten that I see! Oh how I long for their soft fluffy fur, the way they purr ever so gently as I hold them in my arms and caress them for hours on end! Oh and their smell is divine! How can I ever resist! Lately I've been with out one in my arms for sometime now and I really need to find a kitten! Apperently this lust for these little wonderous creations has over taken my desire to do my daily funcions! I can't sleep with out one near me! I can't eat with out one by my side at the dinner table! My friends think I'm going crazy prioritizing kittens over mana! Whats a girl to do? Please help!

- Crazy for Cats

[Orhek]

Dear Mistress Clys,

I'm a self-respecting serial killer. Hell, I'm a big cannibal, too... I've eaten more than any other of the Forsaken. But sometimes I think that this job just isn't worth the stress. The other day, I was sneaking up on a man with a mighty bounty on his head, which I promptly removed from his shoulders. But as I looked at his blood-spattered face, I got really scared... I mean, it looked like the picture on the poster, but in that moment I thought that it was the wrong guy. I was so worried that I tried putting his head back on, but it kept slipping off. I eventually got it to stay, and leaned him up against a tree...

I'm at a quandary here, Clys... maybe it's time to give up the killing game. What should I do?


- Hungry and Homely

100th.

[clys]

((I will reply to all these, I'm just running behind because of work. Stay tuned!))

[clys]

Dear Pessimistic Pet Owner,

I can understand your frustration. When your pet gets more attention than you do, it may seem like a bad situation. However, I think that things are actually much better than they look.

Since your pet attracts the attention of women, it gives you an immediate an non-threatening way to introduce yourself to them. Such an opportunity is not to be ignored. It is quite valuable, actually. All you really need to do is learn to be yourself, and allow your pet to bring a constant stream of possible lovers to you. Sounds like you have it made.

However, you seem to be worried that you are not charming enough. You don't need to be a smooth talker to win at love, trust me. All you need to be is a good listener, someone who actually cares what a woman thinks and feels. Show them that you are a caring person, stuff a big sock in your pants, and you should be good to go.

But, just in case you get into a situation and don't know what to say, let me give you some examples. I'm not going to give you lines you SHOULD say, though. I'm going to give examples of what you SHOULD NOT say. These are all lines that I have actually overhead men using on women in various gathering places. Most of these men are now dead.

"Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?"

"Hey babe, how about an ale and a fuck? [Slap] HEY! What's wrong, don't you like ale?"

"I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?"

"My name's Otis. That's so you know what to scream."

"Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them on your heaving breasts?"

"Do you spit or swallow?"

"I like your butt, can I wear it as a hat?"

"Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?"

"Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven is a long way from here." (this guy died twice)

"If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you." (this guy was torn limb from limb)

"I think about you when I masturbate."

"I'd love to be your bathwater."

"You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from."

"You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it."

"I can make you feel like I've never had sex before.." (yes, that's exactly what he said)



So, Pet Owner, if you've never said any of these things, congratulate yourself. You're doing fine.

[clys]

Dear Bedazzled Blood Knight,

You haven't really given me much to go on. You don't even say whether or not you like this girl. You say that she's pretty, but insane. So...?

Your only question to me is, "What should I do, or not do, to her?"

How the hell do I know? Try a few things. See what happens. Sheesh.

[clys]

Dear Stewed, Screwed, and Tatooed,

Such a moving story! It brought me to tears, truly. But from what I can see you have the situation well under control. I like the fact that you control your husband, and not the other way around.

One suggestion, though. You say that the spell on his penis burns anyone else but you. I really think you need to change that, or rather add to it. It should also burn him, really badly. In fact, it should burn him regardless of who he has sex with, even you. Then make him service you at least twice a day. Keep him line. After all, he was unfaithful, and should be punished for that. Maybe you can forgive him after a few years. Or not. Is he a good screamer? I love good screamers.

I don't get the part about the transvestite getting pregnant. Males don't generally get pregnant. What am I missing here? At any rate, your best bet is to simply kill this weirdo and his children. Make stew. Feed it to your husband.

The childhood sweetheart is just a distraction. If you can bind him to your eternal service in some way, perhaps it might be worth doing, but to just have him around as some kind of additional problem doesn't seem worth it. Try putting the burning spell on his dick, too. Two screamers are better than one.

[clys]

Dear Odd Man Out --

Geez, you are such a wuss! You actually WANT to be second rate? You would be happy with sloppy seconds? What the fuck is wrong with you? Kill that bitch and take over. Stop being such a loser.

~ Mistress Clys

[clys]

Dear Crazy for Cats,

I know exactly how you feel, dear. Sometimes it's really hard to prioritize between two or more things you really love. I often find myself asking the same exact question you are asking yourself. Mana, or pussy? Pussy, or mana? It can drive you crazy until you realize something.

Why choose? Why not have it all? Mana AND pussy! Woo hoo! Now you're talking.

~Mistress Clys

[clys]

Dear Hungry and Homely,

It sounds like you are having a typical male mid-life crisis. You've been doing the same job for years and years, and it's become hum-drum and boring to you. You're so good at it, you can do it without even thinking. Then one day, you suddenly look at your self and say, "Hey? What am I doing? Is this really how I want to spend the rest of my life?"

At that point, many men go a little bit crazy. They quit their jobs. They buy a shiny red epic Raptor and race around Razor Hill trying to pick up the cute young trolls. They comb their sparse hair across the top of their bald heads, so that their heads look like giant eggs in the grip of some huge spider. In short, they make complete asses of themselves.

Do yourself a favor and recognize that what you're going through is normal. Don't freak out. Buy the red Raptor, but keep your job. Fuck the young troll, but go back to work when the weekend is over.

You're a first class murderer. Don't throw it all away just because the years are creeping up on you.

~Mistress Clys

[Solenev]

((The last response is probably the best one.))

[Darkblade]

((I love this thread))

[Everindela]

((LMAO))

[Orhek]

(( I worship you, Clys XD ))

[Cyrass]

((Posted as my mage.))
Dear Mistress Clys,

I have recently discovered what some might call a disturbing passion. That is, to say, I enjoy setting aflame my old friends and companions in what is now called the Ghostlands. It feels strange, but when I see a shambling mound that resembles someone I recognize (As much as one can tell with shambling mounds.), I cannot help but laugh at, mock and attempt to humiliate them much as I possibly can as what little that remains is turned to ash and swept away by the winds, it ignites an overwhelming and consuming feeling of joy. Should I seek help, or continue to incinerate what appear to be the remains of friends, family and associates?

Sincerely,
The Conflagrant Conjurer

[clys]

Dear Conflagrant Conjurer,

That's how you treat your friends, is it? Set them aflame and laugh as they burn? I hate to ask what you do to your enemies.

But let's get down to the real issue, here. You are hallucinating. Your mind has jumped the track. You are like a goblin rocket car in Shimmering Flats that has missed the turn and now speeds uncontrolled toward the looming cliff face. Must be nice.

Now I'm not one to preach abstinence. There's nothing wrong with smoking from a hookah all night, drinking mana-enriched drinks, and falling into a mindless state of orgiastic bliss. It's good for the nerves and the body. It is our reason for being. But you...you aren't sharing, you bastard!

I want to know what you are smoking. It must be some damn fine weed if shambling mounds are starting to look like your friends and relatives. In fact, I'm not sure there even ARE any shambling mounds in Ghostlands.

Dude. Come to the Silvermoon Inn and share. Don't bogart the good stuff, or else Mistress Clys will have to punish you and take your stash.

~Mistress Clys

[Orhek]

Dear Mistress Clys,

Recently, I've come across some bad times. You see, I'm a troll in my 20s, and was supposed to have a lifetime ahead of me filled with gold and prestige. I owned a harem a while back, too, so I used to be on top of the world. But I made a stupid mistake that ruined it all, and I need your advice.

I have a heavy addiction to Kingsblood, and a week or so back I had no money to pay for it. So I ended up asking a rogue buddy of mine for a loan... problem is, when he came collecting, I didn't have the gold. His temper got the better of him, and soon enough my harem was burnt to the ground, and all my Sin'Dorei wives were raped and buried under the ashes.

I'm in a bind... not only am I without money, but now I'm suffering withdrawal from the Kingsblood... sometimes, I go out to the Thousand Needles to pick some, only to come across very little or none. Please, give me some advice before I end up sticking my musket in my mouth...

-Big Blue Bastard

[Sneeg]

Dear Mistress Clys,

Today I was cutting cutting someones ear off in my laboratory when a crocolisk barged in and ate my arm. My patient left without saying goodbye, and didn't even pay. He took my metal leg, and it will cost a fortune to repair my door. I am stuck between sueing him or eating him. What should I do?

- A very upset surgeon

[clys]

Dear Big Blue Bastard,

Most of what my father told me was either wrong, or lies, or both. But there is one phrase he said that has stuck with me, because it has proven itself time and time again to be true.

Some people are just too stupid to live.

Take my advice. Use the musket.

~Mistress Clys

[clys]

The office boy comes running into the assistant editor's office.

"Maury says he can't find the Mistress Clys column for today! He needs it right now!," he says, looking harried.

The assistant editor looks up from her cluttered desk and frowns.

"I know I saw an envelope from her in the mail today," she says. "Maybe it's still on Mortica's desk. Go look."

The office boy hurries into Mortica's office, and scans the even more cluttered desk in dismay.

"I don't see it!" he calls back through the doorway. "Oh! Wait! Here it is! It must have fallen into the wastebasket!"

He comes back through the doorway waving a rather crumpled piece of paper. The office assistant takes it and smooths it out, looking at it for a second or two.

"Are you sure this is it? It doesn't look like her usual column," she says, handing the paper back to the boy.

"It must be! There's nothing else there! It's probably some kind of gimmick, you know how Mistress Clys is," he says.

The office assistant nods knowingly.

"Fine, fine, get it down to Maury right away, then."

The office boy hurries off with the paper, smoothing it in his hands as he goes.

--------------------------------

Memo

From: Mistress Clys
To: Mortica, Editor of The Twisting Nether Gazette

Mortica,

I know we originally agreed that we wouldn't need anyone to pre-screen the letters to me, for my column. I know that I agreed to do it myself. But this is getting ridiculous. Did you see this latest one, about the idiot who says a crocolisk broke into his lab and ate his arm?

What the fuck? No one is going to buy this shit. There's no point in even responding, and it's a huge waste of my time to read letters like this.

Maybe we should re-think the idea of having someone pre-screen the letters. It would sure save me some time and aggravation.

Let me know what you think.

~Mistress Clys

PS Be sure to throw this memo away after you read it. I don't want those morons in typesetting seeing it. They'll print anything.

[Danyxandra]

*snickers*