Tattered Journal -K. Draxther

[Kastiel]

My masters first task, to steal something. So i did, and this is what I chose. A book, with many pages. all are blank, begging to be filled. So that is what i will do. They praised me for not leaving any indication that i had stole the book, and that it is now rightfully mine because it is in my possession. Though praise came as quickly as it left. I was scolded for stealing something that had no importance in the act of being able to sustain my life on my own. It raises many questions, questions that will fill these pages. I will Ask them. Then i will Evaluate them. Through that, perhaps i'll finally be able to Explain them.

So, here's the first of many:

Where is the defining line?

As i sit here, watching the other chldren i wonder to myself the most obvious of questions. "Why?" To know that most, if not -all- of these children will be heading to thier learning establishments while i am to sit here and observe them as instructed, can't help but raise the question of Why. The choices adults make for thier children cannot be aruged -by- thier children, no matter the reasons a child may have to even start the argument. I could not argue with my father as he sent me to the shadow school. Other children could not argue as they were sent to churches, or schools. Why is that? It seems that at the point of birth we are raised in how -others- wish us to be raised and not how -we- wish to be raised. Without given the choice as to what we want in life, how are we to truely know what it is -we- want, and know what it is -they- want? Conditioning.

It's simple. I please my masters and they leave me alone. I don't and I am scolded for it. Who in their right mind would -want- to be scolded? Or even punished?

These children i see, passing me. They won't think the way i do. I say that with confidence because they have others. Surround one with the wants and needs of others and they will end up sharing those ideals. Fashion, populatrity, et cetera. Though take a child such as i and surround him with adults. What is it that the child would want?

...Sadly, he would want to be with those other children...thinking as they do, and acting as they want him to.

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

A new day. This one the same as others. How could the sun possibly continue to rise and set, each day in the same manner, since the beginning of creation? Why does the moon? Perhaps the moon is pulled by the sun and has no choice..

My father thinks it is folly of me to write down my thoughts. "Not everything needs an Explanation Kastiel, take what is given to you as is. Do not play around with questions, some day you'll only end up asking the wrong ones."

Why would he say that? Is that not the purpose of things? We as elves, are given a world to explore, and to shape as we see fit. If all others do this without us, we'll only end up being left behind. Perhaps all other societies are our sun, and we are the moon?

My teachings from my masters today were also confusing. They speak of hiding, and to erase all knowledge of being somewhere. Is that what being One with the Shadows is about? If i continue to erase all knowledge of me being somewhere, if i continue to hide, how would i ever have existed at all?
Why give something a name if you will never call it that ever again?

The world seems to be towering over me. I am always around adults. Teachers, my Father, his companions. Why is it -they- are able to continue to play about in plain sight, and i am forced into a void of darkness?

Does this mean, writing in the journal as i am now, is for nothing? These words will only be destroyed. Everyword will be used and forgotten as they are read and written. People never flip back and read a book backwards. They only work towards the end of the story.

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

Father spoke to me in such a strange manner today. He kept going on about how important it was for me to listen and learn from my masters at the shadow school. I still wonder why they allowed me in. I'm no where near old enough. Why would they allow a *the number is smudged beyond recognition* into thier ranks, knowing full well that i would most likely fail at every task they gave me? Father is insisting that i follow through with this. I don't see the point, i can't see the point no matter what way i look at it. Most parents want thier children to follow in thier footsteps, why not mine?

My teachings today were unbearable...

My masters figured a good way to teach me to steal in order to sustain my life, rather than to steal for other deisres. I was stripped ot nothing but my shorts and thrown into the market. Nearly naked...i slinked in the shadows, taking cloth, food and the like for the duration of the trial. My masters were pleasued and shot thier smiles upon me as they gazed upon my work. I was fully clothed in noble garments. I even found a hat that covers my brown hair! Father won't let me cut my hair. He says as the years go by, my hair will show how much i've progressed. I argued with the fact that even if i don't progress, my hair will still grow. He turned to me and replied, "Kastiel, no matter any action in your life....It will progress you in mind, body and spirit."

Well, i'm glad the day is over with. Though each day i grow more and more curious as to what other lessons lay in wait.

...I really hope you're able to read these words mother. Wherever you are, up in that sky.

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

I've neglected writing for three weeks now. I feel sorry for some reason. Thoughthis is only a book, it feels like it's become my one and only friend. A friend that's been neglected...would that make the book mad at me?

I asked my father today, about mother. I've been thinking of her so much such i joined the School of Shadows. I don't know why, though it's strange. I've gone for so long without even ccasting a thought toward who she used to be, and now i have so many questions out of the blue. My father told me, "Kastiel, what's past is past. Knowing about it won't change anything about the here and now. Your mother past on because she was very sick, and you were very small. I've taken care of you since and that's the way it will be until you know well enough to take care of yourself."

Again, my father raises more questions. Why work toward the future if you cannot reflect on the past? Does what he says mean that someday i should just forget about him and live on as if he never existed? Does it mean that if something happens so terrible in my life, it should be forgotten and buried away in the darkness?

The lesson today form my masters was very iritating. I was to lead a group of people around the market, and as they kept thier attention upon me, i was to steal from them. To become a guide, showing people around..and then taking things from them -AS- they look at you? I thought my masters were trying to find a way to make me fail, though i saw an opportunity as to how to take what i wanted from the group.

Putting on a face, and becoming a people person is a perfect way to let you get close to others. To act as if they are your friends to become close..is far too easy a way to take items from a person. One woman hugged me and gave me a silver peice after the tour. I walked away with her necklace. A man gestured to a kiosk on the side streets. I threw my arm over him and gave a brief history of something i knew nothing about. I walked away with his money pouch. To be able to hide in plain sight, and to act as if i'm a different person...i'm not sure i want to learn any of this.

Today was my birthday. One of the female masters came to me in the darkest of night. She said nothing. She hugged me, and revealed a wrapped box and left. When i opened it, there was a small cake inside.

I would thank her if i knew which one she was, though all my masters wear masks. There are no defining traits to tell them apart.

...Familiar cake.

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

*Alot of the writing before this passage has been smudged, it is stained with red splotches*

...They gave me a blade.



I killed...


...They praised me.


-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

A forest infested with wrathful beasts. I could feel the anger around me for the duration of my stay there. I was thrown into the middle of this place at nightfall. I was to survive by hiding from beasts. Beasts, with feral instinct. Beasts with uncanny tracking skills. Beasts who can smell what you had for breakfast with just one sniff at a great distance away.

I could barely see. It took quite a time before my eyes could train themselves to see with some clarity. I used to moon. Eyes need light to see, wich i still don't understand. My father once explained who the eye works. I was an idiot for not paying close enough attention.

With the light of the moon i could somewhat get my bearings straight. The first thing i needed to do, was find a place of safety in the dark wood. Though, every direction i headed to lead to a foul stench of a horrible beast.

I was lost, for a time, unknowing of where to go. I was doing my task, which was surviving, though i looked like a fool doing it.

For what seemed like an eternity, i walked the woods with fear for my life, until i heard something. Feirce growls and garbled wordsthat seemed to have been forged from the darkest pits of a hellish place. Though what followed was rather comforting for an unknown reason to me. After the growling had stopped, i heard a voice. Not that of a beast or monster, but that of something pure of heart.

Naturally i walked to the voice. Sure enough, there before me, was an Elf of the night.

I stared at his figure with awe. He wore the skin of his prey from his waist down, in some sort of ceremonial attire. His wepon was a curved blade, to be able to cut from both sides. Though most notable about it was that it had a string, much like a bow would look if it were made of blades.

The elf turned to me and the firs tthing i had noticed was his blindfold. What followed were the sights of runes upon his bare chest, more looking like tattoes than anything.

The elf towered over me. I readied my daggers as with a quick motion he held his hand out. I was shocked and taken aback. As i lowered my daggers, his eyebrow perked at me. When he shook my hand, i felt a raw power that surged inside him. Almost the same feeling i had for the beasts stalking me as i walked through the forest.

The elf gestured to the beast, and then began to explain: "It's not the first time these demons roamed a forest looking for elves to kill, you know." I looked to what he called a "Felhunter" and i asked him, "Why are they here now? Why are -you- here now?.." With that he laughed and replied to me, "Young one, you don't waste time do you? Well, these demons are here because they prey on whatever they need to to feel good about them selves-.." He laughed at what he had just said, and continued, "I'M here because i have a job to do, and that is to hunt them."

I continued to ask him questions about what he called "The Demon Hunters" and how he came to be, though he wouldn't tell me anything about them. He asked my name, and i gave it. I asked his, and he, the one called "Ithalen" offered a drink. We sat for hours, talking. He kept telling me that i was way too young to be in such a place as this, and i had kept reassuring him that it wasn't my choice to be.

At the end of our meeting, he stood as he began to leave. With a request to me he turned with a friendly gesture and said: "Oh, and if isn't too much trouble, try to forget you met me, Aye?" I nodded and at that, he was away.

My masters found me at daybreak, praised me for not being a corpse, and took me back home. I didn't say much the rest of the day, but i sure thought about alot.

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

Another week gone by, and another guilt creeping up on me for not writing in this journal. Though i have a good reason. I was ill. Too ill in fact to do anything, which had displeased my masters quite a bit...save for one.

I had a task to build immunity to poison. What i was to do was simple. Drink the poison. For weeks i had to do this, each time drinking massive amounts of something that could kill me. My masters said it would build an immunity towards the poison. Everytime i drank, i fell ill. though each time i had gotten better, the next wouldn't be as bad.

I wondered. Aren't we supposed to be using the poisons on others? I still have no answer to that.

My masters didn't like the idea of me being so weak to the task, thought one of the females would always come into my room, say nothing, though give me food and water that always made me feel better. I wonder to myself if its the same woman who brought me cake on my birthday...

So there we have it, I almost die by my own hand by forcing poison down my throat, though i get better and now everyone acts as if nothing happened. I won't thank them for the immunity that i have gained, because i never asked for it.

Father told me, "Sometimes you just have to do what you're told to do. So do it." And like always, continued on with whatever work he had brought home.

I still don't know what the purpose of all of this is. Why my father sent me here. Why my masters single me out, even though i -know- there are other students at the school. I know that i'm getting some sort of treatment that the others aren't. nothing seems fair anymore. The only thing i have is my questions, and this journal.

Tommorow is another target. Another part of my training. I have to find an elf who apparently had been caught by the guards and is spreading word of my masters...

I'll do this, because sometimes you just have to do what people order you to...

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

A finger.

My masters loved the idea that i had brought proof, even though it was not needed of me...

I was to sneak into the holding cells at night and meet this man who spilled poison from his tongue about my school. At nightfall, i made myself certain that i would not stray from the task that had been set before me.

The guards were easy to distract. A simple thing to throw a handfull of copper coins in front of vagrants. Guards here won't turn down a reason to break up a fight between people fighting over the opportunity to buy booze.

Picking the lock wasn't even an issue! The guards must have figured not to lock it considering they were there to guard it. The idiocy of this city grows everyday, i swere if i don't leave soon i'll go mad.

When i finally reached my target i fell to my knees as a wave of horror overtook me. What i saw is not easily described. The man i sought to kill, didn't need to die..at least not anymore. Apparently he was bludgeoned over and over to the point where his skull caved in. I only write of how he died...not of the other injuries. That is something i need not be reminded of.

The smell of blood filled my nostrils as i clipped his index finger off and placed it into my pack. I looked upon the mans face..

I knew him.

During my task of stealing from a group of peopel whilst posing as a guide through the market, this man was there. I stole his money pouch. I remember this vividly. Though more to the point it raised too many questions than i could bare at the time. I left that place as quickly as i had arrived and sought a rooftop to collect my thoughts.

My task was supposed to involve strangers. To -steal- from -strangers- yet the corpse in the cell was part of my society. Why would thieves train thieves...to steal from other thieves?

There is something bigger going on, I intend to find out what.

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

*A good bulk of the next pages in this journal have been soaked through with what seems to be varius liquid poisons. Most are flayed and torn, and the others merely have smudged too far out of recognition. The most readable words are as follows:*

--teeming with hate and lost all remorse for my fellow kin.

Apparently they train me for what's to come. These aren't tasks that are -part- of my training. They merely train me for what they need me to do. Like tuning a tool to do a specific thing.

My immunity with poisons. My task was of that.

A cargo ship carrying volatile and fatal substances was wrecked on a secret trade route in the middle of the sea. I was blindfolded and brought there by..what sounded like a rowboat. All i could hear was the wind, the creak of wood, and grunts as a rowman pushed the paddles in and out of the water.

The water was a thick green and i was to swim in it.

I needed to salvage any unopened crate and as i went, the poisons within the water were able to seep into my skin. At one point during exhaustion i gasped for air while i was underwater. The green substance filled my lungs. All i could feel was the most intense burning pain, until i began to numb.

I came out with only four crates. The rest were ruined. Though no matter how many times i assure my masters that there were only four..they insisted i didn't look hard enough, While they scolded me on the boat home, i vomited, countless times, till there was nothing left inside of me. the world grew fuzzy. I was ni a daze and was taken away into a slumber.

The events I have written took place four weeks ago.

I look out to sea sometimes, thinking i would see the ship, and ask of my task to my masters.

...They have no idea what I'm talking about.

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

*A massive bulk of the pages are filled with events that have been done to hone skills. Each and every page being skipped over would only reveal certain training aspects that this chosen elf has been through. None outstanding till it comes to this page..*


For several years now, I have travelled the land doing every and any task that had been set before me. I am ordered, and then I am ordered again once the first is seen through.

This neverending chain of orders set before me never seems to cease.

Today, a meeting was held. My masters sat before me all cemi-circled in a rather dark room. I stood before them and listened to what it is they needed me for and shock overtook me as i heard the words.

"Kastiel, No more training shall be set before you."

No more training. So then, what now? I wondered as they whispered to each other. Secrets. It's always secrets. Then the new order hit me. Hard.

"Your father is quite pleased with what you've accomplished over the years and is ready to use you." They spoke, as if in a casual setting like a parlour.

My father sent me to this school, made me learn these things. He waited as they tought me and now that they are finished he plans to use me?

"Recenlty your father has been working on a project of great importance, though it has ground to a halt due to requirements."

Requirements? I wonder and asked of what they needed from me. It seems my father needs a select list of items to be collect. Each rare item more valuable than the last, and all strewn across the land in unknown locations to me.

So, here it is...

Kastiel Eldhin Draxther, now issued the title of Master in the order, has now been set forth to collect items of overwhelming importance to his father.

Death is at the end of the trail, that much is certain. Though, i suppose the greater good is at hand. For i know that my father is working on something that would greatly benefit society as a whole, rather than an individual.

For my People. For my Order. For my Kin.

I leave tonight after speaking with my Father.

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

A small pouch.

A small pouch may hold many different things. Different things that could either be harmful or helpful to any possible variation of individual on this world.

Though have a person find a pouch he's been looking for, with an order not to look in it, and all you'll end up with is a very interesting peice of cloth...

Father told me not to look inside these pouches. They item locked away inside it were for his eyes only it seems. I wonder what kind of scolding would come from just a small peek inside?..

This one was heavily guarded. Which means the others must be as well. Such tiny things to guard, shows that no matter how big or small something is, the importance within it can astound anyone.

The first of many.

I've still a long road ahead of me, an increasingly dangerous road. One that i cannot wait to walk upon.

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

Hann.

Travelling to these locations has been an adventure to say the least. Not having to deal with the idiocy of the civilians in my homeland is a breath of fresh air.

The second item was that of a travelling one. The list said that it belonged to a well-aged man named Hann. He was travelling with a small band of people spreading good faith and feeling across the land. I found the group in a small forest.

Finding him was difficult. I need not say more on that. Obviously finding a man who never stops would be like catching a rolling ball thats always out of your reach.

In the darkest of night i crept into the man's tent. What laid inside was...nothing.

No bedroll, no lamp, nothing. Though the size of a tent such as this could possibley act as a makeshift stable. There was...nothing inside of it.

I turned to leave, and then a wave of pure embarrasment overtook me along with fear.

At my back was Hann. Smiling at me the purest and most forgiving smile i have ever seen in my entire life.

He looked at me and said, "Kastiel if it's that important to you, all you needed to do was ask."

I was so taken aback that the only thing keeping me cohearant to this mans words was the churning in my stomach telling me to focus.

I asked him how he knew my name, and what i was looking for. His reply was facinating.

"To see into ones mind, to see all memories and thoughts...That is quite a gift. Though an even better gift is when you have another who shared a similar memory to the other." The man replied.

I was confused until he gestured to a sillouette of an elf of the night. Kel'Dorei to be precise. as he did this the figure stepped forth out of the shadows, perked his eyebrow and smiled at me.

Ithalen. Hann. Both together here brought about a chance meeting in the forest. Twice.

Hann, having made the connection between Ithalen and I's memory decided my actions were not that of harm, but of good intention.

We spoke and at the rise of the sun, Hann presented a small pouch to me with what i needed inside. Told me not to look as per my fathers instruction and left.

I watched the man walk away from me. Ithalen turned and spoke perplesxing words.

"We both work for our fathers, in such different ways. I only hope yours is as pure intentioned as mine was tonight."

At that, I had left to find the third item. Completly and utterly littered with questions..

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

*The bulk of pages previous to this one are battered and broken. Weathered from the sun and smudged from the sea.*

For years i've been on a madenning quest to find items for my father. One left on the list and yet still the questions in my head haven't lost any of thier power. They bounce around in my skull without any remorse.

I've neglected this journal so many times. This journey of mine has taken quite a toll, and i have confessions to make.

I'm a murderer, or have become one. I find myself killing without any reasons. If i find someone or something doing something that annoys me, i see to it that they never have a chance to do it again.

I'm a thief, to a great degree. I find something that i like and i take it, even if i don't need it. Stealing something just so i can have it, is awful.

I am Scum. I've resented myself for so long now. I hate myself for what i am. I'm not who i remember being and i know now that once this is all over, and i am complete with collecting these items, i will leave this and in search of a place of solitary confinement.

In days past i was followed by other members of my order. Seems that my masters wanted to keep an eye on me. Through that act of mistrust they had within me, I slaughtered them , though kept the reason why they were here close to me. To have thier eyes on me. Yes, they are. Trophies of something i hate so much. When i get back to my masters i'll see to it that all of my teachings will never pass through anothers mind and end the order with swift death to all of them.

The Harbinger of Shadows. Kastiel.

Ironic that my masters will die in what they love most, secrets and shadows.

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

To have such a View before me. Upon a mesa i stand, holding all that i needed to collect....and then some.

After all of this, i find myself just before the finish-line, unable to move or even think. I write now, not knowing the words that were written before the very ones being written. This writing of mine isn't even me anymore. It's something else within me. All my outward appearace shows is that of a man who only wishes to go back home and live a life away from all of his childhood teachings and even surroundings. To the point where what i go back to is only a fragment of an imagination that i hold within my mind. I don't remember what home is. I don't remember..

The hatred that teems within me is real, i know that, and i will not argue it. Though i don't have any idea on how it will be unleashed, or how it SHOULD be unleashed. I fear for the one who pushes me over the limit that i have already reached.

As i've made a promise to myself not to read previous pages within this journal. I go the same way with life. Foreward. Never Back. So onward i go. To the end of the story.

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

*The book is thin, looking back many pages are torn from it. Looking back, the hand it was written in seems to chance at times. Looking back. Looking back. Looking back..

[Kastiel]

...And all that i held in my heart.


En route to the end.


I arrived back home, to where my father waited. I said nothing. He tried to speak to me, ask me of my adventures, wondered how i had been all this time i was away.

I answered him with the rhythmic beating of my fists against his face. War drums. Though the war was lost as soon as i left home to begin it.

I let my father lay on the ground, sputtering blood and shouting mindless prattle as i slammed the door, heading to my masters school.

The beginning.

The start of a story and the end of a story, how poetic that it be such a perfect circle.

Looming over me in a semi-circle, my masters smiles shone upon me like beacons amidst the dark. All except for one. One was missing that welcoming smile. One that i needed.

The others offered thier ceremonial daggers. As i should have been surprised i merely took them one by one and killed them.

They smiled as they fell. All except one.

She waited for me to calm down. Though i only wished for her dagger.

She spoke and told me, "To erase the past so willingly. That was a lesson i wished you had never learned from us. Though, as you slew our order willingly and without the knowledge as to why you needed to, i still feel as if we owe you more than that."

I was confused. I was in a fit of rage, though I let her speak.

"As our school passes all the information of the shadows unto another, it is that other to erase the ones who taught it. As we die, so too will you be killed by your students. So on and so forth until one cannot teach."

She removed her hood. She looked familiar.

"In the end, Kastiel. You asked all the wrong questions. Did all the wrong Actions. Your father will use what you gave him for good, or try to. Though, have you ever wondered if others will allow it to happen? Perhaps all you've done was for nothing. Perhaps all you've killed was in vain. Perhaps all you know, isn't really what you think it is."

I know who she is now.

"I love you, Kastiel. Though, sadly. You were our greatest failure, and for it, you've doomed all of this council to it's much needed rest. The others smile, knowing that this nightmare of a school is going to die with you."

The Cake.

"So, you have one last thing to do before you're put away forever. Locked out of sight from the world you've betrayed by actions and thoughts."

Such a comforting smell she had. She took such good care of me.

"Kill me. The one who watched you fall so far into shadow. So far that nothing on this earth can save you."

She offered her dagger. The guards footsteps echoed within my ears.

"I love you."

Mother. I love you too.


....And all that i held in my heart. Died.

-Kastiel

[Kastiel]

*A mass of pages is held together. A Bulk of paper, refusing to let go of one another holds what words these pages have a secret. Forever to be as such until the rightful owner of the journal pulls them apart by will and will alone.*

[Kastiel]

Kastiel looks upon his companions. The ones he has chosen to seek refuge with. They sit atop a waterfall, close to Silvermoon city. He speaks to them. Asks them to find me. They will.



He has another to ask.

The next day he finds Etaurseytu. He asks of his assistance. The Doctor gladly agrees.

They will find me soon enough.

Kastiel stirrs as he dreads the upcoming meeting between him and all his comforting friends. I wonder how i'll be writing the reaction...