Fear or True Love?

[Ulroci]

Hey there TNG. It's been a while and I think it's time we talked again.

Firstly, I would like to apologize for my extended absence for anyone who still cares and I am still not sure when I will be back to WoW.

Now, to the pressing issue at hand here:

I and a female friend of mine have been talking for an extended period of roughly two and half years now and during that period had been expressing our supposed love for one another for at least the last year and a half of that time. Recently however, I (and as I found out later, the both of us) had been having doubts about the validity of our "I love you's" and such. Given that ours is a long distance relationship, this is not something unheard of, but the fact that the doubts permeated my thoughts about her at all times bothered me. What disturbed me most was in the depths of thought one day and when asked by another female friend about my relationship and whether or not I truly felt love for her, I hesitated and did not know why.

I am a firm believer in love - not in a overblown cheesecake romance type of way, but in the sense that one person can desire another over anyone else and be perfectly comfortable with that - so I do want to hold true that I do love her, but the fact that I hesitated bothered me deeply. Not just the fact that I hesitated, but the fact that I didn't know why. Since that incident, both my girl and I have come to a consensual agreement to take a bit of a break from one another to take a realistic look at what our relationship consisted of.

Did we really have feelings for one another or were we just holding onto one another simply because we had for so long? Were we actually in love or were we just scared to be alone?

[Yatokth]

Unfortunately, only you can answer that question.

Have you ever met in real life? Could be a big factor.

[Ulroci]

Have you ever met in real life? Could be a big factor.

No we haven't.

[Kaldore]

Love can be complicated Ulroci.

Long distance love is almost incomprehensible unless you're willing to make it work. You have to be dedicated.

Take my situation for example... The other morning I got into a little fender bender, wasn't my fault though, someone ran into me. No real damage to the outside, but my passenger seat got pretty messed up. I'll tell you what I told my insurance company: if I'm not supposed to make a delicious breakfast in my car, then why did they make a cigarette lighter adapter that fit my waffle iron?

I hope my advice helps.

[The_Golden_Wolf]

Hm, I have garnered some wisdom on the matter... but I need to consider my wording. Will visit this thread later tonight.

[The_Golden_Wolf]

I am only offering my opinion, not the answer.

I think to find the answer you may have to ask yourself a few questions. Was there ever a time when the separation/distance was completely and utterly unbearable? Was there ever a time when you did feel sure of your feelings? Were there ever plans to meet, or was it not important/a priority?

Depending on how you answer those, then perhaps maybe you were in love or something close to it. Deep caring; even if it's not intense, is a type of love. I think that people think in order for it to be validated it needs to be the feverish romantic type, and while that level of passion is incredibly fulfilling and wonderful, I'm not sure how common it is.

The other issue is the length of time you've been doing this. I am currently in my first long distance relationship ever.. never done it before. When you said how long it had been I instantly cringed, I couldn't bear spending another two and half years away from the person I'm with, in fact as time goes on it only gets harder. However, I have actually met him in person on several occasions and the lack of contact may be adding to the rift in your connection. Perhaps it just feels like a perpetual thing that's never going to change and become something tangible.

I really can't answer these things for you, but I'd imagine after a time one gets weary of day after day, month after month, year after year of never seeing the one they care about. Perhaps there is a point where the feelings wane?

(This is Carmen btw, you came to the tavern's Halloween party and read poetry. I still have the screenshots.)

[Lisbet]

As someone who's relationship is based completely on a "what if he hadn't visited that one time" factor..


Long distance relationships are FUCKING hard. Not just a little hard, they're a lot hard.

When I met heid, I had just come out of a 4 year long LDR and was extremely gun shy and full of doubt. I wasn't sure if I could trust what I was feeling at all. Him coming to visit was what sealed the deal for me - he came for a weekend, and just never left.

Honestly, the only way to tell if your relationship and feelings are more then just longing for affection, is by visiting. You go there, or have her/him visit you. You'll know right away, well.. at least once you get past the initial lust of face to face contact.

I wouldn't give up my Heid for the world - and I probably wouldn't even have him if I hadn't asked(and by asked, I mean pressured >.>) him to come visit.

[Ulroci]

(This is Carmen btw, you came to the tavern's Halloween party and read poetry. I still have the screenshots.)

I remember that. :3 Those were good times! I'm glad you enjoyed it enough to keep the screenies.


Perhaps there is a point where the feelings wane?

Unfortunately, the longer things go on, the more this seems to be the probable case. Not to mention that the more I think about our relationship, the longer it seems that I've been thinking about our relationship this way.

[Grolish]

Ask yourself this - "Is this the person I want to spend my life with...do I want to grow old and die with her?"

Love means many things to many people, and it's not always a good judge of whether a relationship will work. Over time the bloom will wear off and it will come down to how much you like and respect each other, and how much you're willing to give for each other. This is the point where relationships based on googly eyed love fall apart if there isn't a strong friendship and respect for each other backing it up.

If you can see spending your lives together, it's worth pursuing. If not, it's best to move on. As Lisbet said, you probably won't truly know the answer to that question until you spend some time together in person.

Hope this helps.

[Sörröw]

I agree with Grolish except this:

If you can see spending your lives together, it's worth pursuing. If not, it's best to move on.

Only the latter part. You must -always- work at things.. relationships are no different whether it's Love, lust or fantasies. I think the real thing you need here is to show commitment to her and see her. By whatever means you need to pick up the slack of not having seen her and make it happen. Show the initiative that you had when (I'm sure) the relationship first began.

The only reason the 'feelings' are waning is because love has to be stroked like Keltag's ego (:P).. after so long you've probably talked about all there is to talk about over the phone.. 'love' being run down to 'common banter' over the phone instead of just sitting and holding each other occasionally for the reassurance.

Right now, you're both missing the reassurance of feelings. The time away will help but it's only a band aid compared to meeting in person. You'll never have that 'new car smell' in the long distance relationship after so long (which varies with every couple).

So, if you -really- care to find out if it was love or fear.. make it to her or get her to you.. even if it's just a weekend.

[Grolish]

Sorrow, I was referring to the dating stage of a relationship...where people are searching for that someone. Essentially, don't try to pound a square peg into a round hole.

Once you find that someone to spend your life with, it's a different story. That requires lots of work and commitment as you said.

<----- 24 years of hard work and still going strong. Silver anniversary next June. :)

[The_Golden_Wolf]

Great input from Grolish, though I do want to say this: My parents still get 'googly eyed' over each other after over 40 years of marriage! Not a determiner but they have it where it counts. /envy

[Grolish]

We do too, Golden. :)

It takes a lot of work, and a foundation of love, friendship, trust, and commitment to keep it that way.

I hope you find the answers, and that special person you seek, Ulroci.

[Moknim]

Love can be complicated Ulroci.

Long distance love is almost incomprehensible unless you're willing to make it work. You have to be dedicated.

Take my situation for example... The other morning I got into a little fender bender, wasn't my fault though, someone ran into me. No real damage to the outside, but my passenger seat got pretty messed up. I'll tell you what I told my insurance company: if I'm not supposed to make a delicious breakfast in my car, then why did they make a cigarette lighter adapter that fit my waffle iron?

I hope my advice helps.

How could anyone have ignored this gem.

42 is not the answer, cigarette lighter waffle iron is.