Selections from Qarma's Journal

[Qarma]

Bound in slighty musty mulberry colored leather, this journal looks as though it has been left in a dusty hole for many years. This is in fact the truth, as the journal was abandoned in Suncrown for many years, left in a hiding place in the wall of a once cozy dwelling. Cobwebs seem to be enmeshed in the leather so thoroughly that no amount of scrubbing will remove them. Dust has permanently discolored the edges of the pages, and the paper has the darkenened margins of a book left exposed to moisture. Still, the paper is lighter and fresher looking in the middle of each page, proving that the journal is not in fact an antique.

On the first page, the name Qarma Alyssa Goldendawn is scrawled in slightly crooked and blocky childish writing. The next several pages have entries (nine in total are copied here) written over a couple of years in the same childish handwriting. After several of these entries, a half page is left blank (though it appears it might contain a few tear stains) before entries resume, written with much fresher ink and obviously by an adult hand.


((Edit~ two new entries at bottom of page. Feel free to skip the first nine or so- they're just background))
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[Qarma]

Qarma Alyssa Goldendawn

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mommy and Daddy gave me this journal for my birthday today. They said that I am a big girl and that I can write what I think about in this journal. Mommy said that I can write things that I want to say but that I don't want to tell other people, and then if I have it in the journal they won't know about it unless I tell them. I think maybe I might write in my journal a lot.

My Mommy gave me a new pair of fuzzy bear slippers for my birthday. I like them a lot. Daddy gave me a picture book with words and said that I was a big girl now and so I could read it to him at bed time. Ernil and Elena gave me a fluffly fluffy stuffed bunny rabbit. I gave them both a hug as a thank you.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[Qarma]

Today in school we got to paint with our fingers. I made a firefly picture. My cousin Yavië made a zevra, but it looked more like a big fat black dog. She also got fingerpaint on everyone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[Qarma]

Yavië is such a meanie! She wore my bear slippers outside and now they are all muddy! I hate her!!!

(later)

Yavië said she is sorry. I wasn't going to talk to her anymore ever again, but Mommy got the mud out of my slippers so I guess I can forgive her for now. This time.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[Qarma]

Mommy and Elena and Yavië and Valeiria and Tyni and me baked gingerbread gnomes (nomes?) today for the winter holidays. Then Elena and me got to help Mommy cooking eggnog. We got to be able to stay up late. It was fun.

The winter holidays are my favorite holiday. I want to always have it be winter holidays. I will make gingercookies every year.

Tyni's gingerbread knome was really fat.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[Qarma]

I got to take Vana for a walk in the yard today for the first time ever! Mommy called me a big girl.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[Qarma]

I got to go to Silvermoon City with Daddy and Ernil and Tyni. Everybody else had to stay at home because they were sick and were not feeling good. Daddy and Ernil went to practice hitting fake people they called dummies with swords and stuff. Ernil let me try hitting the dummy and he said that I was a very brave girl and would make a very brave person maybe someday. Tyni was almost too small to hold Ernil's sword and so he helped her not to drop it.

Then Ernil bought me and Tyni candies.

Ernil is the best and bravest and smartest big brother ever in the world. He is almost as good a person as Daddy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[Qarma]

I played tree fort with Ali, Tyni, Yavië, Azeriel, Deandrel, and Valeiria today. I was the oldest and so I got to be in charge. We pretended we were hiding from trolls but they couldn't see us because we were all wearing green. I climbed way up the tree and imagined I was queen and I was big and important. Nobody could find me because I was too high up and they were afraid to climb that high.

Valeiria called me mean because I wouldn't let her be queen and wear the leaf crown.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[Qarma]

I am writing while sitting outside. Everyone else is sleeping, except for maybe Mommy downstairs, and nobody knows I am awake. I like watching the stars. They are like diamonds. It's fun to be awake and outside and nobody knows it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[Qarma]

I'm scared. Mommy and Daddy look really worried. They keep talking to Ernil and Elena about something that makes them look worried. Mommy made us all pack food and clothes in a bag. There is no room for my journal or my fuzzy slippers and I can't take them with me, so I will hide my journal and find it when we get back.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[Qarma]

(At this point in the journal comes our blank but tear stained half page after which the entries resume, now in an adult's hand.)

[Qarma]

I hardly know what to write. I certainly never thought I would get to write in this old book again; I had even forgotten it existed until I received my assignment yesterday. Though I had figured my line of work may send me back near Suncrown at some point in time, I had never thought I would return to my childhood home. I was quite surprised, and somewhat taken aback, when Arcanist Vandril described the state of the village and the dangers that had overtaken it. Of course, I did not express that to him. What would have been the point? It was my duty to avenge the losses of my dear place of birth.

Seeing the village proved more upsetting than I expected, but my anger served well in dispatching the horrible invaders. Such creatures in what was once one of the lovliest places in existance! I nearly left straightaway after I finished my dirty work, but on a whim I sought out my old dwelling.

It was not easy to find the house since the village's appearance is so greatly altered by time and abuse. It felt much like walking through a childhood nightmare. Such memories that returned upon re-entering my first home! I cannot, nor do I care, to put my thoughts down on paper.

Most of our house was destroyed; nearly everything raided and taken away or torn to pieces. In the old room I once shared with Elena, Valeiria, and Tyni I found half a hair comb, two buttons from a nightdress, and one wooden spinning top. Then I remembered this journal, and to my great surprise it was still in the hole behind the loose board. I've gotten as much of the cobwebs off as I could, and I think I will keep it. It's all I have from that home, and my one last link to my parents, other than my sisters, of course.

Reading the entries above brings back memories I had lost. Oh what simple times those were! I was so very innocent.

Some things are fated not to last but should never be taken.

[Qarma]

(Messy handwriting appears on a fresh page dated to the Winter Festival times. It appears to have been written quickly and carelessy with a pen that was pressed a bit too hard onto the paper- one or two small holes are where there should have been dotted i's.):

I guess I'll write in this thing again. It's stupid of me to avoid it, and it's here for being written in, right? Trying to ignore the past is for the weak- the angrier I am, the harder I hit, and so I may as well remember.

Speaking of hitting- I'm afraid I caused a bit of a stir today, though to be honest I'm rather glad I did. Why shouldn't I? Everyone else plays their stupid social games, and want the rest of us to play along. It doesn't matter who really cares about them, they just want the money and the power and the status.

Ansha deserves any ridicule she gets. And I wish I had done more than just break that rat's glasses. Married, my ass! Ansha just cares that people might leave her alone about me now. Just sweep me off into a corner and pretend that I am nothing but dust! Hide me in the shadows against my will!

And stupid me, I've protected her noble backside. Dammit, why do I even care?! Where does caring ever get me?! I cared about my parents, and look what happened then! And I cared about Ernil and Elena and Vana, and look what happend to them! And they cared about me, and then couldn't do anything more for us girls! Caring just makes everything hurt more.

I don't want to care, and dammit, I can't help it!

And I can't do anything about this mess. She's married, and it's not to me. So foolish of me to ever think she would be loyal to anyone but the memory of her family- so foolish of me to waste money on that sapphire encrusted thing. She's probably already working on the "producing an heir" part of it. Probably working on it nightly, with that "gentleman" ass of hers.

I hope I broke his nose.

But blast it, he keeps that lapdog of a doctor by his side, so it'll be fixed. No permanant scars like he deserves. And to think I almost liked these people once! Then they showed their true intent, their true colors. Just throw me aside like trash, will they? Oh, they'll regret it.

I wonder that that meek little doctor even sticks with Lianthos. Doens't he feel ill-used? Doesn't he feel cast aside? Or is he willing to be somebody's carpet and get walked all over just because they say they still care.

Actions speak louder than words!

And my silence will tell Ansha how wrong she was.

And my silence will also haunt me, as I will still go along with this lie. Why can't I hurt her?

Dammit Qarma, you said you'd never love anybody.

[Qarma]

(The next entry is dated to late winter and written in a considerably less violent hand, though the final sentence seems to have been pressed a bit too firmly into the page.)

I come home for one day, and who do I bump into? Ansha, of course, parading around Silvermoon as a married woman. At least Lianthos was away for work and I didn't have to see him. It hurts too much to be reminded of what's changed.

Valeiria thinks Ansha is right..... oh, sister, you and your silly social games will never bring you happiness. I wish you'd wake up to the fact that the nobility is not worth trying to emulate. You'll just end up lonely and abandoned, as I have.

I can't stay here- I can't! I will go back North. There's enough there to keep me busy, and if I stay busy enough I can sleep at night. There's nothing like exhaustion to turn the brain off.... except when it just makes everything more poignant.

I will go back North.

[Qarma]

Something's off about Silvermoon, and it makes me wonder if coming home again was a good idea.

I saw Ansha again today. She seemed very absent-minded, for some reason, and said a few very strange things. Something is clearly bothering her, though I have no idea what. Perhaps she regrets marrying that jack***?

She wanted to spend some time together, but I just can't. It reminds me too much of what was taken away.... what I've lost.

There's something off about Valeiria, too. I don't what it is, either. She spent most of her time since I got back trying to either 1) convince me to forgive Ansha or 2) talking about what this or that noble is wearing, and wondering if she'd be too chubby for it. Val, chubby? You could lose her in a crack in the sidewalk if she stepped wrong.

And then there are the murders in Murder Row. Oh, chaos in Murder Row is not new, but these are not the normal scuffles or gang violence. No, these are demonic rituals, and must have been committed by a very powerful warlock.

I pride myself on being self-sufficient, and yet even I am nervous walking through the area at night.

I worry about leaving my sisters there as I head out of the city again, especially now that Dea has moved in with Ali, Tyni, and Azeriel.

[Qarma]

A few weeks of being away, and the news from Silvermoon travelled all the way to Northrend, prompting me to come home and stay for a while this time.

They still haven't caught the murderer. It's hard to believe they can be that inept.... though after seeing the mockery of a trial they put on for an innocent man I probably shouldn't be surprised. The murders seem to have stopped for the time being, though. Perhaps the true criminal is feeling the pressure? I really hope so.

Dea is swamped with work- it seems she picked a rather bad time to join the City Watch, what with the worrisome stuff going on in Murder Row, and the Raven Cross being banned. She is worried about being in over her head. I simply worry that the higher-ups in the watch are complete buffoons, and that the problems will trickle down to her level.

Val keeps going on about the dej Dynastus property seizure and all of the ladies' clothing that might be up for sale. When did my dear little sister lose all of her common sense?

Ansha.....

So I forgave Ansha, sort of. Enough to pretend for a night that everything was as it once was. I missed the feeling of being held....

Lyruil didn't seem very happy to see me back at the Saeralyan manor. I probably shouldn't be too surprised about that. I think she cares about the Saeralyan family name more than Ansha does sometimes.

There's still something strange about Ansha, and I can't quite put a finger on what it is. Maybe she's overly worried about her "husband's" health? I'm not sure, but I'm going to have to keep an eye on that one. I'm going to have to keep an eye on everyone I care about in the city. Something is just so wrong here- I can almost feel it in the air.

I guess I'm home to stay for a while.

[Qarma]

((This entry would have been concurrent with some of the events in the Book of the Flesh saga.))

(The next page is filled with sloppy, ink blotted writing that seems to have been jotted down carelessly and in a hurry.)

Oh, gods.

Oh, gods, oh, gods, oh, gods.

It was Ansha. It was Ansha all along- terrorizing our home city!

I don't understand. I can't- it makes no sense! How could she ever consider, what could have happened... It's so unlike her!

Though she has been acting rather strangely lately. Something is so wrong about this.

Could this be her husband's fault?!

But he's been mostly absent and sick... and I guess he did seem like a bit of a gentleman, and I don't think he'd add mass murderer to girlfriend-stealing *******.

Ansha a murderer. Ansha in jail!

Makes no sense.

I have to go visit her.

[Qarma]

I have been to visit Ansha, and I have done something that perhaps I should not have- and perhaps it is good that I did it, anyways.

I now am nearly certain that Ansha is possessed- yes, possessed. I never thought I would see such a thing.....

When I found her in the jail- trapped behind her own arcane workings, nonetheless- she was not herself AT ALL. It was heartbreaking to see, really. But I stayed and kept her talking- the important thing was to keep her talking- and I eventually gathered that there was a book, and that it told her to do things, though when I pressed her too hard about it, she denied it's existance. She kept using the terms "We" and "They" and "It" to refer to her thoughts....

SO, I volunteered to bring her her journal, and went to the family estate under that guise. Thank goodness Lyruil is used to me, or I would not have been allowed to wander on my own.

The book was in her study- there was no mistaking that it was the book, and that it wasn't happy about me. Imagine, a book that shows its displeasure! It burned me when I touched it! But I had to take it- I could not leave it there to corrupt her more, and I needed it as evidence to present to the judge. If I could prove Ansha was and is not sane, then I could get the charges thrown out... IF I could prove it.

And thus I sought out Mery. And what a mistake that was.....

Oh, she was able to figure out some about the book right away, and she took care with it, yes. Too much care!

(The next line is written in larger script and nearly punched through the page.)

SHE SENT MY EVIDENCE BACK TO THE NETHER! WITHOUT FIRST THINKING! WITHOUT CARING THAT IT WAS EVIDENCE! THE BITCH HAS IT IN FOR ANSHA!

....And I couldn't stop her.

The worst part of it- I could not stop her, and I could not take revenge. Not in the Warlocks' building.

Not yet, but there will be revenge! Someday!

At least the book cannot haunt Ansha anymore....

There was a forsaken there. Maybe he will present a spoken testimony about the book, it's characteristics, and it's fate....

AND SOMEDAY! SOMEDAY I WILL CATCH THAT BITCH OF A WARLOCK ALONE AND UNPREPARED!

[Qarma]

All is well that ends well, I guess?

Ansha is free to live in Silvermoon again, no evidence required. She got out on a technicality... I won't try to pretend that that doesn't bother me a bit, but since I believe she was innocent anyways, it works, I guess.

I haven't seen her since the day I delivered her journal, and Mery got rid of that book. I'm not sure what she'll say or how she'll react when she knows, and I am not sure what I think of such a careless mage.

There isn't a whole lot of a reason for me to be in the city right now. I'll head off again.

[Qarma]

There are days when it feels like the last year never happened.

It's strange, really. Does the end of something important in life always feel so anticlimatic? I've been home more, and I've been with Ansha once or twice, but it's not really the same anymore. She's distant and detatched, almost professional in her manner again. I'm pretty sure there is no overcoming the wedges that have been driven between us. The strange thing is that I don't care as much as I once did. I don't know if I'm just tired of being walked all over, or if I am weary of all the crazy emotions and all of the silly games we've played, but I'm almost relieved that it's over.

They say that the more beautiful something can be, the more ugly it has the potential to become. There's some truth to that, I think. And I think it can be seen in a good relationship gone bad, at the fault of both involved, and I think it can be seen in Ansha. I don't know if she'll ever be the "self" she was before the book again, and that makes me sad.

It's probably time to move on, really, and yet I cling a bit to the past even still. I won't pretend it doesn't hurt, for even the sense of relief with the game being over doesn't prevent tears. My heart is resigned, though. She will always hold a soft spot in it, but it will let her go. If you really love them, then set them free? Perhaps someone else will be able to make her feel whole in a way I cannot. And perhaps there will be someone out there for me, though I doubt it.

So I guess we are friends? With benefits? What a strange idea that is.

And I'll go back to life as it used to be, though it can never be as it once was.

[Qarma]

I can't help but laugh- I had quite the evening.

Oh, it all started innocently enough, just four elves enjoying a midsummer bonfire and some quiet conversation. But I suppose I should never expect any gathering that includes both Ansha and Irithel to end calmly.

I can say that I can now attest to the fact that the doctor is indeed male. Quite male. And he doesn't look half-bad naked either.

I still can't believe Ansha licked....... anyways..........

I'm also surprised at what a nice guy he is. I always assumed he wasn't much more than a door mat, but now I wonder if perhaps I was mistaken.

[Qarma]

Has all of Silvermoon gone mad? Bears and crazy undead yelling nonsensically at each other and warlocks dying quietly on the street before being bodily ported away.....

Maybe Al has reason to hide away.

And I am not the ugly one! Grrrrrr....................... crazy undead.

[Qarma]

I never expected her to turn on me. Oh, I expected self-centeredness, and I expected vanity, but I never expected her to be straight out rude. "Former employee!" I thought that "associate" was bad, but sort of acceptable, but "former employee" denies any common ground at all. Can't she at least call me a friend?

But I suppose I am not anymore!

She deserved more than a solid slap. If I didn't care about her at all, I probably would have done worse. Why do I even care anymore?

If she continues to go traipsing around with whoever she pleases, she'll get what's coming to her anyways. Silvermoon society isn't so oblivious that they will miss a scantily clad "married" woman acting like a tramp. The truth will come out.

[Qarma]

Great, so now I have a succubus trying to catch my attention..........

You know what? I don't even want to write about it.

[Qarma]

He now haunts my dreams. A hug, and couple of moments of being close, and apparently my subconcious runs away with things. This is not fair! I can't keep my head together around him- I've never felt nervous around somebody like this before! Well, perhaps I felt a tad nervous around Ansha, but she picked up on it so quickly that it didn't have time to grow into full-blown shyness.

But he's so gentle, and he cares about people- maybe someday he'll care about me?

Ack, Qarma! How could I think such a thing is possible? I know he is rather attatched already. It's written all over his face how deeply he cares for his "patient." The fortune teller did warn me to stay away from anyone who made excuses to avoid a proper relationship! I suppose that does include everyone I've ever become interested in... Still, should I believe anything from the mouth of a fortune teller? Even if she was accurate with a lot of what she said? I'm so very confused.

And now he haunts my dreams. Gak!

[Qarma]

I'm very surprised I slept well last night, considering that I woke up in a strange inn, and all that had happened before I dozed off. I think Alphie paid for my room and tucked me in, as the last thing I remember was falling asleep on his shoulder in the bar- I must thank him when I next see him!

As for last night.....

I thought I was over Ansha, but if I'm so over her, why does the rejection still hurt? Every time she does something horrid it's still like a slap in the face. She claims she cares! And then she sits there and watches me writhe in pain, and does nothing! Actions speak much louder than words. Apparently she kept me around for her own personal entertainment, but can't be bothered to see that I am also a living, breathing elf. I'm like an old plaything that's been cast aside. I had decided I was over her games, and I know that leaving it all behind has to be best, and yet it still hurts. I wish noone would try to intervene- nothing can be done!

I wonder how I'd react if she ever showed she cared again. I wonder if she ever even cared.

In contrast, though, Al was wonderful. What Ansha didn't do, he did. He, at least, has a heart!

I do believe he is the reason I slept well last night- I know at least someone cares!

He's simply wonderful and

(the last line ends abruptly, the words tilting downwards evidencing the writer's lack of concentration on what exactly she is writing- perhaps she drifted off into a daydream, forgetting all about the unfinished sentence?)

[Qarma]

(The next journal "entry" is not so much an entry at all as it is a page with monograms and signatures written over and over, in varying directions, as though someone was writing and doodling somewhat absentmindedly. The signatures start with Qarma Alyssa Goldendawn, but quickly move on to Qarma Streamside, Qarma Alyssa Goldendawn Streamside, Qarma Alyssa Streamside, QAS..... It is quite apparent that the writer is very curious what her name would look like with this different last name! Splashed across the page here and there is also the name Alphaeus Streamside).

(At the bottom of the page the following words appear):

I should really start locking this thing up. It could be embarrassing if found!

[Qarma]

Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!

How could I be so foolish, fantasizing about a man that's already in a relationship?! Even if he's in a relationship with a vegetable! Of course he'd choose Lianthos. Al's sweet, and loyal, and caring- he's not Ansha! Everything that makes him wonderful also means that he'd not choose me.

Blast it Lianthos, why do you have such good taste? Everyone I care about is snatched up by you instead. What do you have that I don't? Other than male parts....

And Alphie kissed me! It was so wonderful- for about five seconds, before the guilt got ahold of him. Oh, Alphie. That kiss may always haunt me!

It's strange- the more I know I can't have him, the more I want him.

But I won't be horrible, like Ansha is. I am determined- I will be fair to Al. I can't ask him for more than he is able to give, and I won't push him to be any less of a man than he is. Yes, he may be effeminate in some ways, but when it comes to loyalty and love he is much more a man than most others. It's admirable, it's part of why I (the next word is scratched out, and hard to devine- might it start with an L?)-- care so much about him.

If his heart is breaking over Lianthos, then mine can break over him! (This last line is written with an overly dramatic flourish!)