Zulizashazua
07-28-2006, 10:33 AM
(( Hello TN Gazette. I'm Zuli, some of ya probably know me, many won't. This is my first ever attempt at writing this kind of story, so all constructive criticism would be appreciated. Thanks, I hope you all enjoy it! :D ))
OGOURA
CHAPTER 1
Chief
“I hate ‘dis Stranglet’orn sun, bro’.”
Zulai Ogouran was the leader of the Kel’Jin warriors. The Kel’Jin warriors were fabled to be the strongest in the land. Some speculated this is because years back, during the second war, they preyed upon the other tribes whose warriors were fighting alongside Orgrim Doomhammer’s Horde, and eliminated all competition, leaving them to prosper. However, a more accurate guess would be that feasting on Wyvern flesh has strengthened their bones, and the strain of Shimmerweed that grows specifically on Kel’Jin Island contains chemicals that enhance nervous reaction time and peripheral vision.
“Psha, ‘chuu not ‘da only ‘un. Al’do, ah guess we ain’t as bad off as ‘da young’uns. ‘Dey ain’t got ‘da thick skin we got, and ‘da heat gets to ‘em much worse.” Said his accomplice, Jaiza.
They had been charged with the chopping of the wood needed to fuel the fires of the kitchen. The two warriors were tall and lean, as are most trolls, although packed with bristling muscles that tensed with every rise of the hatchet. Their faces bore the scars of many battles, yet retained their natural looks. They were not mutilated, although they were not in mint condition, Zulai with a large scar running from the left hinge of his jaw down his neck to his chest. He gained it defending the village from human pirates that had been swept in from a fierce southern wind a few years ago. Only he knew how he came to bear this scar, but it seemed it was mental as well as physical. His face bore the smeared Wode the trolls wore into battle. Jaiza also has traces of Wode on his face, however the markings appeared to be different to Zulai’s, because of status in the ranks.
A call rang out from the lumber mill about thirty meters down the beach. “Aiight, boys, come ‘n get’cha dinna’ while it’s still warm n’ toasty!” The two warriors piled the wood into their makeshift wheelbarrows, and carted the lumber towards the mill. When they had dumped the wood in the stockpile, they arrived to a plate of steaming Wyvern meat. “A sight fo’ hungerin’ tastebuds if ever ‘dere was’un!” Stated Jaiza, drool forming at the corner of his mouth, his eyes glinting as he stared at the glazed surface of the large steak in front of him. “Aye mon…” Zulai didn’t seem all that interested in the food, as if something had caught his attention out in the middle of the village circle.
A small tree in the small clearing. Zulai was sure it had never been there before. Determined that he was just imagining it, he tore his gaze away and back to his food. However, he couldn't help but feel a sense of dread in his gut, that the tree brought bad tidings. He knew he was just being stupid because he was tired.
“Chiefy!”
Zulai looked to where the voice was coming from. There stood his son, face smeared with dirt, white hair in tangles. The troll child wore simple a simple leather tunic, and leather hunting pants and boots. He had small tusks that were just starting to grow, that jutted upward, much like his fathers.
“Zuli, come’n get some grub into ya boyo, an’ ya kin tell me ‘bout’cha adventures.”
“Howd’ja kno’ ‘dat me was gonna tell ya what me did?” The young troll asked, a puzzled look on his face.
“’Cos ‘dat’s what ya do every day, ya scamp!”, Zulai chuckled as he handed his son a smaller plate of wyvern. Zulizashazua, ‘Zul’ as he was more commonly known, quickly found a place next to his father at the bench. He started shoveling food into his mouth, hungry and thirsty after a long day of ‘adventures’. He was only 13, 4 years off of becoming a warrior of the Kel’jin.
“Now dad, I t’ink ya’ll be surprised by what I tell ya ta’day! Ta’days advent’cha was much different ‘den usual, ya see.”…
A glint of fire in his eye, Captain Shruiken Sunbrow of the Otter peered through his spying glass. He saw what he wanted to see. The trolls were feasting, completely unaware of what he was about to unleash. “Get yer cutlasses and muskets, yer worthless puss buckets! Tonight we be raidin’ Kel’jin island!” A cheer went about the ship, the pirates yearning for a good fight. “This is the night, let none survive!”
Zulizashazua
07-29-2006, 08:19 AM
CHAPTER 2
Trial by Fire
Ji’arta, Zulai Ogourans’ wife, was the head cook of the Kel’jin tribe kitchen. She was also mother to two boys, Zulizashazua and his older brother Kai’ka. She watched over her family as they ate with the rest of the tribe. She had specially prepared a large feast, as it was a special occasion, that only she and Xia’ki, her sister, knew about. She was pregnant with a third child, and was planning to break the news that very night. She called to Xia’ki, “Sis’sa, ah be needin’ yo help!”. Eerie silence was all that responded. “Sis’sa?”, she called again, cautiously approaching her sisters’ dwelling.
She noticed that the interior of the hut was dark, which was unusual, as Xia’ki liked to leave the torches lit. She hated the dark, just like her mother. Ji’arta had no problem with the dark, however she needed light to see an unusual shape that was foreign to the hut. She muttered a few arcane words, and magic flames sprung to her hand. She lit the torch, illuminating the small dwelling. At first glimpse, it appeared to be a normal trollish dwelling, with small trinkets and pieces of jewelry adorning the furniture and belongings. However, a trained eye would notice bits and pieces one would not expect to find, such as foreign weapons from soldiers of both the Alliance and Horde, and other factions of Azeroth.
“Yer won’t find yer sister, miz troll.” A voice rasped from behind her.
Zulizashazua was halfway through telling his third tale to his father when a shrill scream pierced the commotion of dinner.
“Kel’jin, arm yo’selves!” Zulai called out to his warriors. The scream had sparked a flurry of activity, mothers rushing to their children, the elderly fleeing in terror. The soldiers of the Kel’jin were quick to follow the captains’ orders ; drawing their axes and bows, and assembling in front of him. “Split up in’ta groups o’ two, ‘den go searchin’ every hut o’ ‘da village. Jaiza, wit’ me.” He beckoned for Jaiza to follow, and they hastily made their way to the kitchen.
“Ji!” Zulai called to his wife. He scanned the kitchen, searching for any activity. When he found it was dead still, he made his way to his brother – in – laws’ hut, thinking Ji’arta may be visiting her sister.
What he found shocked him into stillness. The hut was on fire, the timber beams blazing, the dressers’ contents spilled across the floor. Ji’arta was unconscious under the upturned bed, blood trickling from an open wound on her forehead. “Ji! Ji’arta… kin ya ‘ear me?” He kneeled beside his wife, trying to get a response from her. Her eyes flickered as she looked up at him, then her head fell limp. Her grip on a small dagger loosened, and Zulai knew that she had been given Loa’s grace.
His eyes burning with hatred for whoever, whatever had slain his beloved, he looked up to the nearby beach. A dark ship, obviously belonging to the assassin of his wife, was anchored about 5 score yards out. Its’ sails dark and tattered fluttered in the late night breeze, as the ship bobbed, or rocked, as if being lifted up and down by some invisible force.
“Boss, ah t’ink we sh’ood go look ‘round ‘da village fo’ ‘da assailants o’ yo’ miss’uz.” Jaiza nervously made this suggestion, afraid that Zulai would be in a very irritable mood. “Aye, befo’ mo’ get hurt.” Zulai seemed to have lost the glint in his eye, his posture more drooped than usual. Then his ears stood right up, as his gaze snapped back to the feast hall. “Ma boy!”
Zulizashazua had found refuge under a table in the raptor stable. After his father had ran off to locate his mother, pirates swept in through the entrances of the feast hall, bearing torches, swords and strange looking bows that his father had called guns. They had killed all that didn’t make it out of the feast hall. Some stayed to try and fend off the attackers with knives, forks, whatever was available, but their efforts were futile. The pirates set fire to anything made of wood, even spilling the finely cooked wyvern meat on the ground. He saw boots appear at the entrance to the barn, it was only a matter of time before they found him now. “Please find me, pop…”
Zulai, Jaiza and some others they had met up with were hastily making their way through the heaps of corpses and piles of rubble towards the raptor stable. “Ah saw some o’er ‘dere, boss, we kin take ‘em too.” One of the soldiers informed Zulai. Drawing his axe, he let loose a blood curdling battlecry. “Fo’ ‘da Kel’jin! Fo’ Ji’arta!”
The pirates entering the raptor stable turned to face the troll that had screamed at them in their foreign language. In a flurry of blades, the trolls lept upon their opponents, lacerating their flesh. Zulai, powered with bloodlust, was an unstoppable hurricane of axes. The pirates that didn’t flee his wrath were mown down, rended limb from limb.
“Pop!” Zuli called out to the Kel’jin chief. “Ah’m o’er here!” Leaping from his cover, he started waving his hands to make sure that someone saw him. He caught the eye of Jaiza, who decapitated the pirate standing in his way and started charging through the mass to the chiefs’ child.
“Ah’m comin’, jus’ hold on!” Jaiza lept over a rung post, and landed at Zulis’ feet. “C’mon boy, jus’ foller me back to ya pop, ‘den we kin get’cha away from all ‘dis mess.” Zuli nodded, scared into silence. Jaiza slung him over his shoulder, and started making his way back to Zulai.
Shruiken looked out towards the stable that the trolls kept their mounts in, and saw a small group of them massacring his pirates. “Pathetic excuses fer fighters, them maggots.” He hacked a troll blocking his path down, and lumbered towards the raptor stables. He aimed his musket at one of the larger ones, and fired. His shot found home, the pellet embedding itself in the trolls skull.
Zulai turned to see where the bullets came from, as one had grazed his arm. Kil’ja had received a bullet to his head, felling him instantly. He charged at a taller, scruffier looking pirate, clad in a red trench coat. He drew his battle-axe and charged the pirate, obviously the captain. They locked into a fierce duel, each parrying the others’ swipe, and sometimes landing a small successful hit, each one drawing blood. Zulai ducked a swipe from the pirate captain, and brought his axe up to meet the handle of the foes’ cutlass. The blow sent the blade flying from his adveraries’ hand, and left him stunned, kneeling on the ground.
“Take ‘dis, pinkskin,” Zulai spat with hatred, and with a single deft blow to the neck ended Shruiken Sunbrows’ life. He turned back to the raptor stables, to accompany his friends in battle against the pirates.
Just as he was about to bound into the battle, a sharp pain shot through his calf muscle. Screaming in pain, he turned to face the pirate who shot him. He tried to charge his foe, but his leg gave way underneath him. He collapsed in agony, hearing the pirate cackling at him. He looked over to the raptor stables, seeing Jaiza and his son escaping the furious onslaught of the pirates.
The last thing he saw was the pirates’ grim face grinning down upon him, a toothless smile. He blacked out.
Zuli was struggling to see his father, who had charged the pirate captain. He saw the chief bring down the battle-axe he bore, and shut his eyes just as it reached the pirates’ neck. Jaiza turned around and yelled something he couldn’t understand, and hacked a pirate barring his path. When Zuli looked back to see his father again, he saw him collapse, blood freely pouring from his leg.
A sudden scream from Jaiza interrupted his shock at his father collapsing.
“Boy, run! I canna’ save ya know!” Zuli obeyed, and jumped off of Jaizas’ back. Hearing the clash of blades behind him, he started sprinting to the beach, and beyond, the Stranglethorn jungle.
About ten minutes later, he had made his way to a small creek with shrubs and palms on the banks. He hid in a hollow tree, and gazed back to the direction of the village. He saw thick black smoke pouring from the remnants of his village. Although he couldn’t see Kel’jin village, he knew the the pirates had defeated the trolls. The reign of his tribe was over, and nothing remained to show it.
The next morning, the smell of smoke hung in the air. After feasting on some eggs Zuli had found in a small nest next to the river, he started making his way back to the ruins of the village. He hid behind the trees on the beach, peering across the water to the ruins. The pirates had made camp, and it seemed they were beginning some kind of meeting. A crowd had assembled, facing to Zulis’ right. He saw a pirate clad in the old captains’ uniform, wielding a large axe. It was unmistakably his fathers’ old axe, drenched in blood.
Then he noticed a man with a dark hood marching a figure with a sack over his head through a line of onlookers. He instantly noticed the man with the sack on his head was not a man, but a troll, standing 7 feet tall. He instantly knew that it was his father. “Pop…” he whispered.
The man with the dark hood, an executioner of sorts, stood his father up on a makeshift platform. The man pulled the sack of off his fathers’ head. Zuli saw his fathers’ eyes burning with hatred for the pirates surrounding him. He spat on the new captains’ boots, and sneered after he received a blow to the back.
As the pirate captain adressed his pirate crew, Zuli saw a look of defiance spread across Zulai’s face. He saw a hint of fear, which made the troll child terribly sad. It made him scared to see his father, the fearless chief of the Kel’jin, frightened.
Something the captain said had sparked the pirates into a frenzy of laughing and cheering. They started jeering at Zulai, throwing things at him, and spitting on his face. This did not deter him, still looking as defiant as ever. Then the captain turned to the executioner, and nodded grimly. The executioner took the axe, and spoke to Zulai. He didn’t understand, but he shook his head defiantly.
The executioner nodded. With a grim smile on his face, he lifted the heavy axe above his head. Zuli didn’t look away, but stared with empty eyes as his father was decapitated. “Fo’ Kel’jin!” screamed his father, just before the blade struck. The pirates cheered, and the captain started to loot the limp corpse. Zuli sat, staring into the water. Millions of thoughts filled his head, yet he understood none of them.
My father is dead. My mother is dead. My friends are dead. I’ve lost everything; it’s all gone. I have nobody to care for me. Where will I go? What will I do?
He knew the answers to none of these questions. He sobbed, muttering incoherently. Life as he knew it was about to change.
Malerage
07-31-2006, 04:15 PM
((Hi Zuli - sorry for the delay. I'm see plenty of ooc comments on stories in this forum, so I'll put this here.
I'll start with things I thought were problematic, but there is plenty good to say so I'll get to that as well.
Dialect: it is always difficult to know where to draw the line when trying to convey dialect in writing. Most often, the advice I see is to flavor the dialogue with bits and pieces of dialect, letting the reader's brain supply it for the remainder of the words (which it will do). There were a few places in this story where I had to stop and puzzle out what was being said because of the dialect you present. You do not want to pull the reader out of the story and make them focus on the words. That hurts the flow of the story and doesn't allow the reader to be pulled into the tale. I'd recommend cutting back on the dialect. Of course, for others it might have read just fine.
Grammar: Actually, grammar overall was fine. You do, however, have a bit of a problem with some of your commas. If you're going to write for publication, one of the most common excuses editors use to put a manuscript aside is bad grammar. For example - you don't use a comma in front of the word "and" (or any of the seven coordinating conjunctions like 'but' and 'or') unless what follows the comma is an independent clause. You can tell if it is an independent clause because it could stand as its own sentence. If it can't, it is a dependent clause and you eliminate the comma. I saw that mistake a few times, as well as other sentences where you had commas that aren't needed. A comma can be added stylistically to affect the rhythm of a sentence, of couse, but I think in many cases the commas you used simply weren't necessary.
Point-of-View (POV): You do a lot of hopping around between POVs. This isn't necessarily wrong, actually. You may be using an omniscient POV, or simply a third-person limited POV where the POV changes often. Yours struck me as the latter. This, however, is a difficult POV to sustain and do well. I'd recommend trying to rewrite this with a single viewpoint character (Zuli) for most of it, then switching only when necessary (such as when the scene changes to Zuli's mother).
Also, before I forget, a few times you use words such as 'he,' and it is evident from your usage that you mean one person while, technically, the word refers back to another person. In other words, the subject of the sentence may be different than you intended. Just something to watch.
Now on to the good stuff:
1. Dialect: No, I'm not insane and contradicting myself. The dialect is nice, and it adds flavor the piece. Furthermore, you seem to have a good handle on it. I'd just use less of it so it doesn't trip up the reader.
2. Description: The description is evocative. It is nice to be working with an environment that your reader is familiar with (such as STV), but even with a reader unfamiliar I think you've done a nice job of painting the scene here. That's important.
3. Characterization: You've got a good handle on the characters here, and I think you do a nice job of getting past one-dimensional caricatures to characters that have feeling, who think, fear, hate, or what have you. I enjoyed the characters, and you've done a nice enough job with Zuli to make me sympathize with him and want to know more.
4. Flow: I thought the flow was good overall. Even the combat portions flowed well, which is something that people often have a hard time with. There were some places where the flow was interrupted (usually by misplaced commas), but for the most part I think you did a nice job with it.
This is a good story, Zuli. Keep up the work on it!
Malerage))
Zulizashazua
08-01-2006, 05:45 AM
(( I REALLY appreciate your criticism, I really do. I read it through again, and I saw what you meant, with all of those things. I'll be sure to make some changes and such with the upcoming chapters. I guess with the dialect I'm too used to speaking to my guildmates whp understand my trollish perfectly.
Also, I kind of thought that with the POV's, I was worried that might lose people in some bits. Thanks a bundle, I'll try not to make those mistakes again! :D ))
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.1.12 Copyright © 2012 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.