Massacre at Menethil

[turen]

The icy wind of Dun Morogh whipped Turens beard behind his head as his gryphon shot north, towards Menethil Harbor. Rage burned inside of him. As soon as he landed he intended to beat the cause of his rage to the ground. Show that damned uppity private what’s what…He thought angrily. The blinding white snows gave way to the lush green and vivid blues of the Wetlands, the icy wind replaced by the pleasant sea breeze. He would have enjoyed the experience had he not been in such a foul mood.

Turen was off his mount almost before it hit the ground. A quick glance around and he saw his target amid two Regimental officers, near the Tavern. There, between Captain Thurgo and Lieutenant Eldridgen was Axt. His face a mask of anger, Turen marched up to the trio. He ignored the officers polite greetings, indeed he hardly heard them, and knocked Axt to the ground with one powerful punch.

‘Turen! What are ye doin’?” Eldrigen cried as he moved between Axt and Turen.
“ Teachin’ this damn whelp a lesson!” Turen snarled back. He tried to push through the troublesome officer to no use.
“Git outta me way ye poor excuse fer a dwarf!” Turen roared.
“ Nay. Ye want me Private, yell have t’ git me first. Axt, yer not ta fight Turen no matta whot!” Eldridgen replied.
“ So be I’” Turen growled. Before Eldriden could respond, Turen was on him. Eldridgen fought back, but it was clear he could not hope to best Turen. The fight went on, showing no signs of stopping. Eldridgen fought bravely, but Turen would dodge punches and following up with mighty counterattacks that were devastating to Eldrigen. When it looked as if Eldridgen would be knocked into unconsciousness Turen was hauled off of him by an Elf bearing the Swordwaltzer insignia.
“Whot th’ hell are ye doin! Git offa me!” Turen roared at the elf.
“Kurohane, one whom fought to save your life, has information that you must hear.” The elf stated angrily. After making sure Eldridgen made no attempt to follow, Turen allowed himself to be taken to Kurohane, who was waiting on the docks.
“Turen…What are you doing?! Why would you brawl with another of the Regiment so?” she asked, her face full of concern.
“Ye had information fer me?” Turen growled.
“Yes. Jacan, one of the Warlocks that held you captive, yet lives.” Kurohane stated.
“ And?”
“Well... He would be able to know your thoughts use you still against the Alliance!” she explained.
“Then kill ‘im!” Turen yelled.
“ We have many times, but yet he returns. He has powerful magic!”
“Kill ‘im, ‘is family, and burn down the town ‘e lives in!”
Kurohane simply stared at Turen, clearly unimpressed. Ah need t’ get ‘er ta shut her trap so ah kin git back to the REAL business at ‘and, Turen thought.
“ Whot do ye want me ta do about it?” He asked.
“ Be alert, and ready. And know we will lend aid in any way we can.” Kurohane answered. Without so replying, Turen turned and ran back towards the Tavern. He found Eldridgen with his back turned, leaning heavily on the wall. Turen grabbed Eldridgen by the back of the head and slammed it into the wall over and over. When he finally let go, Eldridgen fell to the floor, out cold. At that moment, Thurgo and Axt exited the tavern.
“Turen! WHot the hell did ye do! Yer killin yer own kind!” Thurgo roared.
“ This ain’ me kind, ah’m no weak lassy excuse fer an officer! E shoulda ‘ad the damned decendy t’ let me take oot me true target, HIM!” Turen growled and glared at Axt accusingly.
“Turen, that’s MY XO yer badmouthin’, and ah’ll heare none o’ it!” Thurgo yelled and charged Turen. Turen barely defended in time to the powerful attack and was hard pressed to fend off the warrior. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Axt drag the limp Eldridgen to the docks, but was too occupied with Thurgo to do anything about it. Thurgo had a great deal of strength over Turen, and being a warrior, was better suited to the type of battle. However, Turen was tireless and seemed to feel no pain. Time after time he would be thrown to the ground and yet he would simply spit some blood and rush back into battle. To Thurgos was shocked to realized that he could not outlast Turen, who was fighting with supernatural rage. The two grappling soldiers eventually ended up not too far from the prone Eldridgen and Axt, who was tirelessly trying to patch up Eldridgen. This was made difficult, however, as Turen would stomp on him every time the fight got close enough. Finally, despite all his advantages, Thurgo was forced to his knees. Turen was about to finish him off when Axt jumped to Thurgos aid. Though stout in hart, however, Axt had no hope of fending off the rabid Turen was thrown from the dock into the icy waters of Baradin Bay.

“Run, Axt! Run fer yer life!” Thurgo ordered as Turen made his way back to him. Turen drew his axe and pushed the blade on Thurgos throat.
“Ye’ve gotten in me way. Ah’ve no mind t’ kill ye, ah trained ye meself. Git gone and ferget all ye saw here.” Turen warned.
“ Bah! Are ye thinking me for a coward?” Thurgo replied, his voice dripping with comtept.
“Ah’m thinking yer goin t’ need yerself a new XO” Turen said with a grin. With that, Turen knocked Thurgo out with a hard blow from the haft of his axe. The grin never leaving his face, Turen strode purposefully to the still unconscious body of Eldridgen.
“ Shoulda minded yer own business, ye damned fool.” Turen sighed as he struck Eldridgen over and over, hacking and slashing away until blood pooled around them. With a satisfied grin, Turen light up his pipe and strode out into the swampy Wetlands.

[Aquizit]

The following is a standard Order Issue tacked onto the Regiment Kiosk.

Regiment Wide Order:

Issuing officer: Captain Pylith Thunderfist, Grimsilver Company Commander

Effective Date: Immediately

Details:

If any Regimenter is to see Lt. Turen Longrifle, said Regimenter is to contact the on duty officer immediately! If no officer is currently reporting in, then the Regimenter is to write a letter to all Captains and General Borgas before reporting out themselves.

NOTE: Turen Longrife should be approached with UTMOST caution! Any Regimenter below his 55th season should NOT attempt conversation with Lt. Longrifle! This is for your own safety!

Axe High!

~Pylith

[Malerage]

Turen:

This is a nice piece of work, but if I may offer one constructive comment:

The word "said" as a dialogue tag becomes practically invisible to a reader. It fades into the background. That's why if you look at a published work, whether fantasy or in some other genre, you'll find that tag used almost exclusively (sometimes exclusively).

Your characters don't 'say' anything, instead they roar, snarl, cry, yell, order, state, or explain. You also follow some of your dialogue tags with adverbs, whcih tend to weaken the writing. Instead of saying 'stated angrily' make it apparent in what was said, or in some other way show the reader, that the character is angry (most often it will be apparent from the dialogue itself). Adverbs, as I said, tend to weaken writing. Replace with a strong verb. I.e. instead of saying someone 'ran quickly' say the 'rushed,' or whatever.

In any event, I like the writing - just thought I'd point out the piece about dialogue tags. If you rewrote this using "said" instead of other tags, I think you'll find it reads better.

[turen]

(( Eldridgens view by Eldridgen))

"Whut did yeh do, Lad?" Eldridgen asked Axt over the Gnomish communication box, reffering to Thurgo and Turen's repeated yelling at him over the Guild selected frequency. Eldridgen had been in Tannaris, ready to have a rest for the eve when he picked up on all the commotion. Not forgetting what Turen did to Axt that night in Ironforge when Eldridgen had been Axt's Sergeant. Also not forgetting what he had promised Axt, at his bediside at the Infirmary that same night in Ironforge..."Ne'er Again."

Never again indeed. When Axt would not offer a reason for such treatment, Eldridgen gathered his gear, and Twisted through the Nether via his Hearthstone to Kharanos. From there, onto Ironforge, and a quick Crow Path to Menethil. Upon arrival to Menethil, Eldridgen recieved greetings from His commander, and the young Axt, musing by the Inn, planning a raid to Ashenvale. Obvious reception proved Eldridgen that Captain Thurgo was simply grilling a new Private. Treatment as this would serve as nothing more than a simple build of character for the young lad. Putting it off as such was both understanding, and Eldridgen's First mistake.

Talking the upcomming raid, no one saw Turen aproach the small fellowship.

Axt was knocked to the ground with ease, and with power.

Thus will NAy beh uh repeat o' Ironforge, ah let t'lad inta harm once afore due ta meh complacenceh, NAY AGAIN!

"Turen, what are yeh doin!?" Shouted Eldridgen as he quickly moved in between the enraged Lieutenant and the rising young Private.

“Git outta me way ye poor excuse fer a dwarf!” Turen roared. A fierce attempt at moving Eldridgen was made to no effect. Eldridgen would not let harm come again to one of the most promosing young lads of the Regiment.

Ef et beh a fight 'e beh after, ta meh will et come thus time. “ Nay. Ye want me Private, yell have t’ git me first. Axt, yer not ta fight Turen no matta whot!” Eldridgen replied.

With lightning reflexes Turen replied, and a fierce battle ensued.

Ah beh nay a stranger ta a fight, bu' by t' light thus one fights whuth such a power ah aint ne'er encountered afore...

Turen and Eldridgen battled across from the Inn to by the Crow master. Eldridgen pulled all his tricks of trade trying to best the senior Hunter.

Why can ah nay 'urt em? Ah aint ne'er had no one take blows from meh an show nay a sign of tire... Ah-

With a harsh blow from Turen, Eldridgen was knocked off his feet to a more "sitting" position. Before Eldridgen could react, Turen seemed to turn his stance, and plow a foot to the back of Eldridgen's head, busting a gaping split to it. Blood spewed, and Eldridgen was knocked quite silly.

Oi, meh 'ead frss..medf..uughh...

By the time Eldridgen had risen, a blurr of Turen heading off towards the Docks with some of Elvish decent was all he could make out. Captain Thurgo, who was quite drunk, and moreso confused demanded to know what was going on. As the three of them made their way back to the Inn, Eldridgen and Axt explained to Thurgo the events of that night in Ironforge, and why Eldridgen would not stand to let it happen again. This confused Thurgo even more, as the timeline he was given put Turen still dead the the Horde. He was dead still then, wasn't he? Thurgo and Axt then headed into the Inn for a re-supply of drinks, as Eldridgen preffered the fresh air, and to gather his thoughts the best he could. A bandage was applied to his head, and he stood there, back turned to the docks, leaning up against the wall of the Inn. Eldridgen's Second mistake.

Cmon, Eld. Gather yerself, 'e may nay beh done ye'. Ah canno let 'im get t'best o' meh, if'n 'e wants ta continue thus, ah will.....

A sharp pain as the gash on the back of Eldridgen's head was infuriated as it was the bandage there was grabbed. The wall, the wall, and all went black.

An "awakening" of sort, as Eldridgen was awoken by a hit to the face, and a pummel to the chest. Eldridgen's eyes opened to see Two, perhaps Three Turens move off of him as an equal number of Thurgo's pulled at the Turens and continuosly bashed them.

Sounds of splashing and the smell of the sea filled Elridgen's stilled senses...Ah'm on t'docks?



Whut th...A splatter of blood hit Eldridgen across the face and some foreign object landed on his lip. A tooth...Turen's? Thurgo's? Time to figure that out did not give way as more bashes from Turen came to Eldridgen periodically..Blackness...Again.

"A..xt...run..lad" Muffled words from the voice Eldridgen could barely make out as...hmm...sounded like Thurgo...Eldridgen could not be sure.

As his Right eye barely opened, the left now swelled shut completely, Eldridgen saw at the foot of the dock A blur of a Dwarf at his knees, and another standing over behind him, axes out. Eldridgen painfully reached for his Boomstick, which had been securly fixed to his back.

Wha...The Shotgun was gone...seemingly he saw another within reach...not his...perhaps Axt's....None the matter, Eldridgen weakily grabbed at the Rifle, Securing it. Raising aim to the Standing Dwarf, a despersate last attempt at salvation. Muffled sentences and shouts were made by the Dwarves over yonder, nothing Eldridgen could make out at this point. The level of conciousness this Dwarf was under bordered another black out as it was.

*Click*

The Rifle did not fire. Did Eldridgen forget to pull back on the fireing pin before he fired? Eldridgen's Third, and last mistake.

By t'gods...Marleeth...ah luv yeh.

Eldridgen's last thought as he was now stood over by a half red blurr with two green glows raised over his head.

[Shadowspeak]

((bravo))

[Alucian]

((In most writing circles, repeating "said" over and over is a no-no. So I prefer to leave things to the preference of the writer himself. In any case, perhaps we should leave the OOC writing tips to a PM? I thought that was IC for a moment. :)

Lovely writing, Turen...keep up the good work! :D ))

[turen]

(( I personally don't like to use 'said' very often, as I feel it makes the writing monotonous and bland. I like to pack in as much description as possible, and with "roared" or growled" it adds a bit of tone to what si being said, hopefully helping the reader imagine the voice easier. However, I'm still a high school studend and apologieze for any crimes against wtiring I may commit here and in the future))

[Malerage]

((Alucian: good point about the appropriate place for comments - I'm used to writers critique forums, and forgot about IC for a moment. That said, though, most professional editors will tell you to stick to 'said' or to eliminate the dialogue tag entirely (and in fact in many cases it can be eliminated). Like I stated above, using 'said' as a dialogue tag isn't tedious because when the reader is reading the story the tag disappears in the reader's mind. Repeated use of other tags is considered to be a sign of amateurism, and I know at least two editors who'll put a manuscript aside the moment they see it. A few others I know will read it, but if they want to publish the work they'll ask the author to change the tags, and rightly so (or get rid of tags when entirely at many points, since they aren't needed).

Turen: It's good work, keep it up. The comments wasn't a criticism, just a bit of advice from someone whose been an editor and sold some fiction. I did precisely the same thing when I was your age, until I got a few rejection letters specifically pointing out the issue. So that's the spirit in which the comment was given.))