Thoughts

[Evanthe]

[This is not a journal, per se, but this seemed to be the appropriate section for this type of writing. These are Evanthe's thoughts, feelings, etc. It is not written down, there is no physical object for you to find with this information. If you want that here is her sketchbook (http://www.wow-tng.org/showthread.php?t=6566). ]

[Evanthe]

What did he say for you to believe his lies?

It wasn't what he said, oh no. It wasn't his contrition, his tears. Apologies made after the transgressor has been caught-- and what is his bastard child if not proof of his indiscretion-- are meaningless. Would he have confessed if the evidence wasn't growing in the whore's womb? Begged for absolution, or kept his sins burried in his memory?

No, it was what they said. Their words. None of them a friend of mine, and she would love nothing more than to heal his wounds if I cast him aside like so much spilt paint. But their words were the same. Dedicated, they claimed. But foolish. An imbicile. A silly, silly boy. But not malicious. Not a coward.

And I, of everyone, most know how very easy the runes are to use.

The whore will have to be dealt with.

[Ninorra]

((*rubs hands together* VENDETTA!!))

[Evanthe]

I have people to confide in? No, Chauncey. You do not know me well enough if that is what you think. Closeness concedes power. I prefer distance. Why else would I chose you? You are safe, for now. I did not think you would turn this to your advantage. I still don't. At the very least you did not speak to me with your flower metaphors. I was not in any mood for symbolism.

But your advice was well taken. I do not know why he effects me this way. I was torn between speaking my mind and avoiding it all together; an ostrich burying her head in the sand. Pathetic. With others I am a tiger. I have no issue making my concerns, my desires known. I impose my will with no hesitency. With him I am a kitten. Tame.

I did not tell him I am lost without him. I did not want to appear more weak than I did in that moment. Powerless. Floundering. A silly little girl.

My actions will speak louder than my words. They always do. Words mean little, easy forgeries floating on cusions of breath. I am not a trusting person, less so after all he and I have been through. You said I sounded hopeless. Perhaps I am just steeling against what seems, when I am alone, inevitable. What seems, when I am with him, impossible.

The island. I place high hopes on what will happen there.

The headache is such a devoted companion I hardly remember what it felt before this pain. I at least now know what to avoid to prevent the rest. Pity it is near everything I've worked for.

I should speak with Visant before I leave.

I should thank Fynne. I wanted to rip off his blindfold and force him to look at me. Would that make him quite uncomfortable?

[Evanthe]

Ninorra missed the point.

I wasn't accusing Saphiara of anything, not anything she didn't already admit herself. Mmm... well, perhaps she didn't admit the degree her obsession runs, but it's quite clear, isn't it?

She's in love with him, he isn't with her, yet she cannot leave him alone. And when she's not with Skafloc, she's ingratiating herself with his-- our-- household staff. And even that wasn't enough for her. She took up farstraider training when she was already an accomplished knight. Another little excuse to get close to him.

I could brush that off, yes, all of it, were it not for the owl. A beautiful bird. Pity it's in the hands of such an inexperienced master. White, from Winterspring. I've painted them several times. I merely asked for it's name. But she hesitated. A brief pause. And that's when I knew.

Skafloc's raven, Ebony. Her white owl? Ivory. How very fitting.

She's clearly still focused on him, obsessed. And obsessed women are dangerous, aren't they? Oh yes, Ninorra, they are. Although not in the way you seemed to think. I can deal with Skafloc on my own. I'm no longer afraid he'll run off with this little psychotic, damaged knight. But obsessed she remains.

Dangerous.

I told her she was lucky. She is. I could hurt her in ways unimaginable, were it not for this condition. I'm not weak, no. I showed that to Sabachthan the other night. But she's not worth the pain and sickness.

Silly girl.

Izrail is not Izrail. How very peculiar. This must have been what Skafloc was going to tell me the other night before I led him into much more satisfying activites. I rather like Izrail. He's snarky. Obsidian portals... I've done this before. It shouldn't be so very difficult.

Kethy-something thought I was an amateur artist as I do not take commissions. I wouldn't expect her to remember my gallery. She's not one of us. She's never seen my work. But perhaps it's time I opened it again. I could use the distraction.

[Evanthe]

So many lies I've told, so easy to hide the truth.

But not tonight. I'll never forgive myself for this one.